Divorce with kids - do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:People who think stigma is 100% bad in all cases don't understand human nature and the importance of cultural norms. Stop stigmatizing everything and see where it gets you.

It's okay for divorce when you have children to be viewed negatively. It's freakin' negative.

I disagree. The stigma hurts kids.

These discussions always seem to overlook the fact that there are plenty of unhealthy and dangerous marriages that hurt kids too. It’s all a crapshoot.

+100

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who think stigma is 100% bad in all cases don't understand human nature and the importance of cultural norms. Stop stigmatizing everything and see where it gets you.

It's okay for divorce when you have children to be viewed negatively. It's freakin' negative.

I disagree. The stigma hurts kids.

These discussions always seem to overlook the fact that there are plenty of unhealthy and dangerous marriages that hurt kids too. It’s all a crapshoot.

+100

The stigma hurts men. But it’s real. They were subpar marital partners and parental partners. There was no reason to be married to them. In fact there could have been real reasons to NOT stay married to them - verbal abuse, physical, neglect, addictions or vices, unmanaged mental disorders, cheating.

[Anonymous]

i would recommend talking to a therapist to help sort out your understandably many different feelings. there is nothing inherently wrong with divorce and i think people down the road probably regret staying more than leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:People who think stigma is 100% bad in all cases don't understand human nature and the importance of cultural norms. Stop stigmatizing everything and see where it gets you.

It's okay for divorce when you have children to be viewed negatively. It's freakin' negative.

I disagree. The stigma hurts kids.

These discussions always seem to overlook the fact that there are plenty of unhealthy and dangerous marriages that hurt kids too. It’s all a crapshoot.

+100

The stigma hurts men. But it’s real. They were subpar marital partners and parental partners. There was no reason to be married to them. In fact there could have been real reasons to NOT stay married to them - verbal abuse, physical, neglect, addictions or vices, unmanaged mental disorders, cheating.

When a marriage ends because of a WIFE'S affairs, serial cheating or crazy behavior (which often is not presented to the public), everyone immediately says 'oh he must have been cheating'. Innocent men face stigma too.

Obviously, there are many where the divorce is not their choice, e.g., partner left for someone else, just walked out or was physically abusive, had severe addiction, etc.

You can't truly know what anyone else's marriage is like. But, barring all the circumstances above, the flighty selfish ones that just decide one day they want me, me, me and turn outward to have their needs met instead of not working on the relationship and use all kinds of delusional thinking and behavior to justify it (and often settled to just get married in the first place) are the only ones that don't sit well with me. Those people didn't understand or have the capacity to endure a long marriage and weather normal ups and downs and change with it and they really shouldn't have married anyone to begin with.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

Your children lost the privilege of living in one house with their parents. They lost time with their parents. If you made a bad decision about who to have children with and your marriage was really that bad, I'm sorry for you and your children. But I really don't understand how you can operate two homes rather than one without a financial impact. And I'm really perplexed that you say the holiday schedule has not changed.

What about the few years in which you were not doing it "this way"? Those years were part of your children's childhood too, and whatever they missed out on or lost during those years can't be gotten back. That time is gone.

Nothing is different in the house at all between marriage and divorce. Imagine living separate lives being married. That is how it was. It was never any different. I don't agree with time lost. I work. I see them as much as before.

You are still seeming rather crazy to me. Do your children not go to their father's house?

OMG. There are two houses. 50/50. We see the kids just as much. The same as before--separately. Same in marriage. Same in divorce. One change: an extra house. EVERYTHING else is exactly the same. (literally, I set up both houses exactly the same. same routines...only difference is where parents sleep...I have a house rather than a guest room, which I had since before second was even born). Everyone assumes all marriages are some lovey dovey fairytale so every divorce must be a horrible disaster. Not. My marriage was a legal contract and nothing more. My divorce is a lack of a legal contract and nothing more.

Okay, but they still have the burden of schlepping back and forth, right? How do you see them equally as much as before if you only have 50%? Are you at the father's house during the day on weekends? How do you plan to ensure he does not remarry ever?

It seems really weird and unhealthy that you have enough control over your ex to make him set up his house the same and keep the same routines. You seem very weird and are definitely not convincing anyone that all is well in your family.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

What part of one thing changed do you not understand. My kids got an extra house. There literally is nothing different for them. I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing dead I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing did for them. Not really. Normal is relative and so is change stop assuming that there was a massive change just because there was a divorce it literally is a legal piece of paper. Yes there are two houses with the interactions in the houses are exactly the same as before because we live separately in the same house for the entire marriage there are no memories of us doing stuff together we’re having dinner together we’re going to family stuff together we did all of that separately. I did all the parenting until a certain age and then he chipped in so by the time we were divorced they were used to us being completely separate because they have no memory of us even sharing a room together so stop making assumptions about other peoples divorces! Have the same amount of time and the same amount of money we just have two houses six minutes apart.

Nothing different? They had 100% of their time with both parents, now they have to shuffle back and forth. They will have to split holidays when they are older. They will have to explain to future partners their parents are married. They will potentially have step parents and step siblings. There are now two households, so less money. On and on.

No. They had about half the time with each of us married in the same house. We were never in the same room. Ever. We both work. The only difference is that instead of me being in the guest room, I have a house now nearby and they have two houses. Shuffling back and forth 6 minutes is not a big deal. Same school. There is not less money. We maintained our standard of living. We always lived below our means. We both worked. Our money is split--the same as before. Our savings rate is the same. There is actually more money because I got a better job. There will not be stepparents or stepsiblings. We don't agree with remarrying and only a 1% chance that would happen. No one is having another kid. Early and mid-40s. Again, the same as before--just being honest about it instead of pretending. "My parents are divorced" is not hard to explain. And hopefully by that point, IF they marry (which I don't think they even should), I would hope this ridiculous stigma of divorce as if it is horrible is finally dissapated. We made a mistake getting married. We were not compatible. We are still good parents and coparent okay like coworkers. That is not hard to explain or horrible in any way when they are adults.

Np.

I believe that PP is being accurate...some of you are questioning her veracity but she's pretty much describing my best friend's divorce (and marriage actually). On paper, nothing has changed from her divorce either. They were already doing everything separately, and they make enough money to have two middle class houses...same school, friends, etc.

I wonder about the 50-50 custody though...was your ex always 50% involved prior to the divorce? This is the issue my friend is having - she went for 50% custody to be fair and quick, but the reality is that both her kids are far more bonded with her, especially as they get older. They'd like to spend the majority of their time with mom. Ex DH is not interested in giving up more time. So that's actually difficult. Do you not face this issue of parental preference? Both of her kids are girls...

[Anonymous]

I'm a child of divorce and VERY happy my parents divorced when I was a kid.

[Anonymous]

Dude it's not an "extra" house! It's an alternative house that your children are REQUIRED to leave their first house and switch to, whether they want to or not. It's not like a happy family that also owns a place by the ocean! Your children have the BURDEN of switching houses and no matter how weirdly you coerce your ex into maintaining sameness of home and routines, it's not the same house! If you let them choose, they have the BURDEN of choosing between their parents. If you make them have a schedule, they have the BURDEN of moving. I'm not saying this isn't better than your apparently bizarrely awful marriage. But this isn't good and it isn't the same as having a house and an extra house.

Have you ever met an adult who lived in two identical homes? No, because that's a real pain and very weird. Yet that's what your children are doing and you're insisting that it's totally fine. Would you want to live that way? I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

I never really get it when divorced people insist that everything is the same and everything is fine. I think that's re-traumatizing and it's better to acknowledge the loss. If you think your ex won't date or re-marry, how do you ever really know that? What are you going to do about it if he does? If the two homes are the same, how do you keep them the same? It's just this weird insistence that everything is fine and they know it is and they know for sure and they KNOW THEY KNOW THEY KNOW IT WILL ALL BE FINE FOREVER!

Can't we just admit that some divorces are the right choice in the long run but it's still pretty difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never really get it when divorced people insist that everything is the same and everything is fine. I think that's re-traumatizing and it's better to acknowledge the loss. If you think your ex won't date or re-marry, how do you ever really know that? What are you going to do about it if he does? If the two homes are the same, how do you keep them the same? It's just this weird insistence that everything is fine and they know it is and they know for sure and they KNOW THEY KNOW THEY KNOW IT WILL ALL BE FINE FOREVER!

Can't we just admit that some divorces are the right choice in the long run but it's still pretty difficult?

My neighbor lives 3 streets away from where she used to live. The kids seem happy. It's really not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I never really get it when divorced people insist that everything is the same and everything is fine. I think that's re-traumatizing and it's better to acknowledge the loss. If you think your ex won't date or re-marry, how do you ever really know that? What are you going to do about it if he does? If the two homes are the same, how do you keep them the same? It's just this weird insistence that everything is fine and they know it is and they know for sure and they KNOW THEY KNOW THEY KNOW IT WILL ALL BE FINE FOREVER!

Can't we just admit that some divorces are the right choice in the long run but it's still pretty difficult?

My neighbor lives 3 streets away from where she used to live. The kids seem happy. It's really not a big deal.

To add on, it was hard for them the first two years but now they just pick where they want to go and see both parents regularly. The parents work around the kids schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never really get it when divorced people insist that everything is the same and everything is fine. I think that's re-traumatizing and it's better to acknowledge the loss. If you think your ex won't date or re-marry, how do you ever really know that? What are you going to do about it if he does? If the two homes are the same, how do you keep them the same? It's just this weird insistence that everything is fine and they know it is and they know for sure and they KNOW THEY KNOW THEY KNOW IT WILL ALL BE FINE FOREVER!

Can't we just admit that some divorces are the right choice in the long run but it's still pretty difficult?

My neighbor lives 3 streets away from where she used to live. The kids seem happy. It's really not a big deal.

To add on, it was hard for them the first two years but now they just pick where they want to go and see both parents regularly. The parents work around the kids schedules.

I love how two years of difficulty are not a big deal according to you. This is their childhood and it matters, you can't get that time back.

Having to pick is a burden in its own way, and seeing parents "regularly" is not the same thing as living with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I never really get it when divorced people insist that everything is the same and everything is fine. I think that's re-traumatizing and it's better to acknowledge the loss. If you think your ex won't date or re-marry, how do you ever really know that? What are you going to do about it if he does? If the two homes are the same, how do you keep them the same? It's just this weird insistence that everything is fine and they know it is and they know for sure and they KNOW THEY KNOW THEY KNOW IT WILL ALL BE FINE FOREVER!

Can't we just admit that some divorces are the right choice in the long run but it's still pretty difficult?

My neighbor lives 3 streets away from where she used to live. The kids seem happy. It's really not a big deal.

To add on, it was hard for them the first two years but now they just pick where they want to go and see both parents regularly. The parents work around the kids schedules.

I love how two years of difficulty are not a big deal according to you. This is their childhood and it matters, you can't get that time back.

Having to pick is a burden in its own way, and seeing parents "regularly" is not the same thing as living with your family.

The dad decided he was gay. It is what it is. I think the kids are pretty well adjusted and they get along with both parents are successful in school and have many friends. Life happens. You can't control everything. Do you think this couple should have just stayed married? You'd prefer a married couple where the husband is an alcoholic? That happens a lot. I think it scars the kids but life scars people. I'm not making light of it, but it also isn't a death sentence. I've actually seen the kids mature well as a result of watching their parents act respectfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see lots of threads on DCUM about regrets not divorcing earlier. What about the other side -- do you regret divorcing your ex?

Since the question always comes from somewhere, here's my situation: husband had a long term affair that ended when I found out several years ago. He almost got into another (if not acted on it, but I can't confirm and he denies). I buried the feelings and moved on in the marriage and its been....fine. I am now at a place where I'm at least ready to deal with the betrayal and am taking concrete steps to do that, and that could lead me to a place where I want to leave the marriage. I have to heal me, first, regardless of my relationship status. But then...??? Lots of big scary things. We have elementary/middle school aged children. So, back to my question....do you regret your divorce?

I stayed in the marriage long after I realized she had no sincere intent to address her selfish attitudes and passive aggressive behavior and did so primarily for the children. Never ceased efforts to get things right/better but while they would change for a time never any permanent progress on her end.

Eventually gave a timeline, worked on myself while she did little to nothing and we divorced when the youngest was in college. Over 20 years later I do not regret for a minute that I gave that to my children. I loved their mother, and still do, but was not willing to continue to live with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never really get it when divorced people insist that everything is the same and everything is fine. I think that's re-traumatizing and it's better to acknowledge the loss. If you think your ex won't date or re-marry, how do you ever really know that? What are you going to do about it if he does? If the two homes are the same, how do you keep them the same? It's just this weird insistence that everything is fine and they know it is and they know for sure and they KNOW THEY KNOW THEY KNOW IT WILL ALL BE FINE FOREVER!

Can't we just admit that some divorces are the right choice in the long run but it's still pretty difficult?

My neighbor lives 3 streets away from where she used to live. The kids seem happy. It's really not a big deal.

To add on, it was hard for them the first two years but now they just pick where they want to go and see both parents regularly. The parents work around the kids schedules.

I love how two years of difficulty are not a big deal according to you. This is their childhood and it matters, you can't get that time back.

Having to pick is a burden in its own way, and seeing parents "regularly" is not the same thing as living with your family.

The dad decided he was gay. It is what it is. I think the kids are pretty well adjusted and they get along with both parents are successful in school and have many friends. Life happens. You can't control everything. Do you think this couple should have just stayed married? You'd prefer a married couple where the husband is an alcoholic? That happens a lot. I think it scars the kids but life scars people. I'm not making light of it, but it also isn't a death sentence. I've actually seen the kids mature well as a result of watching their parents act respectfully.

I don't think people have to stay married if they really don't want to, but I think it's really unhealthy to pretend that nothing important was lost or that the two houses thing isn't burdensome. Divorce exchanges one set of problems for another, and we don't have to pretend away the second set of problems to prove it was the right decision. The weird PP who insists that the "extra" house is exactly the same and the kids have lost literally nothing is really strange to me. Just get divorced, own your choice and acknowledge the consequences, and it's okay.