Divorce with kids - do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Logistics of divorcing or logistics of living /custody schedules?

Logistics meaning housing. Figuring out how one person could keep the house and the other person finding a nearby house. Custody scheduling not a big deal. The tight housing market and being limited to a certain radius to minimize change was hard and took a long time. Everything else was easy. People act like divorce is super hard. It is really not. Logistics of where to live with kids though in a tight housing market...that is hard.

You might be the exception. This has not been the experience of friends and family who’ve divorced.

+1 Definitely wasn't my experience.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

Your children lost the privilege of living in one house with their parents. They lost time with their parents. If you made a bad decision about who to have children with and your marriage was really that bad, I'm sorry for you and your children. But I really don't understand how you can operate two homes rather than one without a financial impact. And I'm really perplexed that you say the holiday schedule has not changed.

What about the few years in which you were not doing it "this way"? Those years were part of your children's childhood too, and whatever they missed out on or lost during those years can't be gotten back. That time is gone.

Nothing is different in the house at all between marriage and divorce. Imagine living separate lives being married. That is how it was. It was never any different. I don't agree with time lost. I work. I see them as much as before.

You are still seeming rather crazy to me. Do your children not go to their father's house?

OMG. There are two houses. 50/50. We see the kids just as much. The same as before--separately. Same in marriage. Same in divorce. One change: an extra house. EVERYTHING else is exactly the same. (literally, I set up both houses exactly the same. same routines...only difference is where parents sleep...I have a house rather than a guest room, which I had since before second was even born). Everyone assumes all marriages are some lovey dovey fairytale so every divorce must be a horrible disaster. Not. My marriage was a legal contract and nothing more. My divorce is a lack of a legal contract and nothing more.

Okay, but they still have the burden of schlepping back and forth, right? How do you see them equally as much as before if you only have 50%? Are you at the father's house during the day on weekends? How do you plan to ensure he does not remarry ever?

It seems really weird and unhealthy that you have enough control over your ex to make him set up his house the same and keep the same routines. You seem very weird and are definitely not convincing anyone that all is well in your family.

There is no control. He kept the house and kept the same routines. He is lazy. It’s easier.
There is minimal inconvenience going back and forth but hardly a burden. That is ridiculous.
We are flexible with time. Officially 50/50 but we are not super strict about it. I see them about the same as before.
No one is ensuring anyone won’t remarry but neither of us want to or see the point. There would be a prenup if it happens…very very unlikely though.
Sorry you can’t understand that we purposefully did our doc or to have minimal impact on kids. There is not much difference in their lives despite what you might assume.

Ahhhhhh... I get it. So you all effed up your kids way before the divorce even happened. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

Your children lost the privilege of living in one house with their parents. They lost time with their parents. If you made a bad decision about who to have children with and your marriage was really that bad, I'm sorry for you and your children. But I really don't understand how you can operate two homes rather than one without a financial impact. And I'm really perplexed that you say the holiday schedule has not changed.

What about the few years in which you were not doing it "this way"? Those years were part of your children's childhood too, and whatever they missed out on or lost during those years can't be gotten back. That time is gone.

Nothing is different in the house at all between marriage and divorce. Imagine living separate lives being married. That is how it was. It was never any different. I don't agree with time lost. I work. I see them as much as before.

You are still seeming rather crazy to me. Do your children not go to their father's house?

OMG. There are two houses. 50/50. We see the kids just as much. The same as before--separately. Same in marriage. Same in divorce. One change: an extra house. EVERYTHING else is exactly the same. (literally, I set up both houses exactly the same. same routines...only difference is where parents sleep...I have a house rather than a guest room, which I had since before second was even born). Everyone assumes all marriages are some lovey dovey fairytale so every divorce must be a horrible disaster. Not. My marriage was a legal contract and nothing more. My divorce is a lack of a legal contract and nothing more.

Okay, but they still have the burden of schlepping back and forth, right? How do you see them equally as much as before if you only have 50%? Are you at the father's house during the day on weekends? How do you plan to ensure he does not remarry ever?

It seems really weird and unhealthy that you have enough control over your ex to make him set up his house the same and keep the same routines. You seem very weird and are definitely not convincing anyone that all is well in your family.

There is no control. He kept the house and kept the same routines. He is lazy. It’s easier.
There is minimal inconvenience going back and forth but hardly a burden. That is ridiculous.
We are flexible with time. Officially 50/50 but we are not super strict about it. I see them about the same as before.
No one is ensuring anyone won’t remarry but neither of us want to or see the point. There would be a prenup if it happens…very very unlikely though.
Sorry you can’t understand that we purposefully did our doc or to have minimal impact on kids. There is not much difference in their lives despite what you might assume.

Ahhhhhh... I get it. So you all effed up your kids way before the divorce even happened. Got it.

My kids are perfectly happy kids and not effed up at all—you are a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

Your children lost the privilege of living in one house with their parents. They lost time with their parents. If you made a bad decision about who to have children with and your marriage was really that bad, I'm sorry for you and your children. But I really don't understand how you can operate two homes rather than one without a financial impact. And I'm really perplexed that you say the holiday schedule has not changed.

What about the few years in which you were not doing it "this way"? Those years were part of your children's childhood too, and whatever they missed out on or lost during those years can't be gotten back. That time is gone.

Nothing is different in the house at all between marriage and divorce. Imagine living separate lives being married. That is how it was. It was never any different. I don't agree with time lost. I work. I see them as much as before.

You are still seeming rather crazy to me. Do your children not go to their father's house?

OMG. There are two houses. 50/50. We see the kids just as much. The same as before--separately. Same in marriage. Same in divorce. One change: an extra house. EVERYTHING else is exactly the same. (literally, I set up both houses exactly the same. same routines...only difference is where parents sleep...I have a house rather than a guest room, which I had since before second was even born). Everyone assumes all marriages are some lovey dovey fairytale so every divorce must be a horrible disaster. Not. My marriage was a legal contract and nothing more. My divorce is a lack of a legal contract and nothing more.

Okay, but they still have the burden of schlepping back and forth, right? How do you see them equally as much as before if you only have 50%? Are you at the father's house during the day on weekends? How do you plan to ensure he does not remarry ever?

It seems really weird and unhealthy that you have enough control over your ex to make him set up his house the same and keep the same routines. You seem very weird and are definitely not convincing anyone that all is well in your family.

There is no control. He kept the house and kept the same routines. He is lazy. It’s easier.
There is minimal inconvenience going back and forth but hardly a burden. That is ridiculous.
We are flexible with time. Officially 50/50 but we are not super strict about it. I see them about the same as before.
No one is ensuring anyone won’t remarry but neither of us want to or see the point. There would be a prenup if it happens…very very unlikely though.
Sorry you can’t understand that we purposefully did our doc or to have minimal impact on kids. There is not much difference in their lives despite what you might assume.

Ahhhhhh... I get it. So you all effed up your kids way before the divorce even happened. Got it.

My kids are perfectly happy kids and not effed up at all—you are a horrible person.

Ignore them, PP. My divorce was similar to yours. Amicable. Kids are fine, nothing really changed for them. They have a great relationship with their step-mom, too, and they adore their half-brother. Lots of people on this board with no actual experience with the topic being discussed. My answer to the OP is no, I don’t regret my divorce at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never really get it when divorced people insist that everything is the same and everything is fine. I think that's re-traumatizing and it's better to acknowledge the loss. If you think your ex won't date or re-marry, how do you ever really know that? What are you going to do about it if he does? If the two homes are the same, how do you keep them the same? It's just this weird insistence that everything is fine and they know it is and they know for sure and they KNOW THEY KNOW THEY KNOW IT WILL ALL BE FINE FOREVER!

Can't we just admit that some divorces are the right choice in the long run but it's still pretty difficult?

My neighbor lives 3 streets away from where she used to live. The kids seem happy. It's really not a big deal.

To add on, it was hard for them the first two years but now they just pick where they want to go and see both parents regularly. The parents work around the kids schedules.

I love how two years of difficulty are not a big deal according to you. This is their childhood and it matters, you can't get that time back.

Having to pick is a burden in its own way, and seeing parents "regularly" is not the same thing as living with your family.

The dad decided he was gay. It is what it is. I think the kids are pretty well adjusted and they get along with both parents are successful in school and have many friends. Life happens. You can't control everything. Do you think this couple should have just stayed married? You'd prefer a married couple where the husband is an alcoholic? That happens a lot. I think it scars the kids but life scars people. I'm not making light of it, but it also isn't a death sentence. I've actually seen the kids mature well as a result of watching their parents act respectfully.

I don't think people have to stay married if they really don't want to, but I think it's really unhealthy to pretend that nothing important was lost or that the two houses thing isn't burdensome. Divorce exchanges one set of problems for another, and we don't have to pretend away the second set of problems to prove it was the right decision. The weird PP who insists that the "extra" house is exactly the same and the kids have lost literally nothing is really strange to me. Just get divorced, own your choice and acknowledge the consequences, and it's okay.

You know people go through other changes besides divorce right? They have to move for a job. Someone looses a job. Grandma is sick and has to move in. House catches on fire. Spouse dies. Etc. I think it’s a change. I don’t think it’s insurmountable for kids.

[Anonymous]

My marriage is in a rocky place and talking to my close friend who recently went through a divorce is really helpful for understanding pros and cons. She is a high earner and so there were not any financial ramifications for the kids which I think makes a huge difference.

Negatives: 2 years later kids still ask her if she will get back together with their dad. They have had a tough time letting go of the "dream of an intact family." They seem to idealize family life. My friend is sometimes really lonely on the weekends when she doesn't have the kids bc most of her friends are married with kids and weekends are busy with family time. She sometime feels enormous pressure being the sole adult at home responsible for everything. She is very busy at work and online dating is a time suck and requires lots of filtering.

Positives: She does not have to deal with her alcoholic ex anymore or constantly worry about his health and mental state. She doesn't harbor the resentment of being the main breadwinner and the person doing everything at home. She likes having more free time to pursue her own individual hobbies. Loves having her own home and space as her personal sanctuary.

I think regretting a divorce is so dependent on your day to day situation. Is the marriage just stagnant but day to life and family life is okay? Or is there abuse/addiction chronic cheating involved. I think having an untenable daily living situation in a marriage with fighting and deep resentment is not healthy. But if it is just a question of not being "in love" then sometimes it is worth waiting until the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Reviving this thread, hope you don't mind.

I've been grappling with the should I/shouldn't I question for at least 5 years. Awhile back I said I would work on the marriage for the benefit of our kids, when I otherwise would have been long gone. I've been doing that ever since. Without getting into too much detail, some things have changed, some haven't. DH has addressed a dealbreaker that I brought to his attention. I've tried hard to work on myself (what I can control). Again, all for the kids. The rest of our issues are still festering, but the thought of seeing my kids less is unfathomable. And DH has also shown to make many objectively poor decisions so I would be concerned about his time alone with them. My plan is to continue to work on our marriage and hope our efforts pay off. I experience joy in raising and being with my kids and my friends. I will continue this until the kids are older or possibly even out of the house. At that point I'll reassess. No, I'm not happy being with him, but from what I can tell divorce isn't a magical pill that makes all the bad stuff disappear. There are unknowns that no one can answer definitively, like what impact that will have on the kids at this stage in their lives. How I'll feel about coparenting and the people who will have intimate access to my kids in the future (i.e. step parent/family). I would also be giving up half of my HHI, which means the lifestyle I have now and that my kids enjoy and have become accustomed to would need to change drastically. We would need to maintain two homes, which would likely mean living in a less expensive area, further from my kids friends and activities.

If there were abuse, alcoholism or some other serious issue it would be different for me. But I'm willing to deal with our current issues until the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Glad you gave it a serious thought and your husband is working on his transgressions . A meh marriage is better than a bad divorce.