Divorce with kids - do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

I see lots of threads on DCUM about regrets not divorcing earlier. What about the other side -- do you regret divorcing your ex?

Since the question always comes from somewhere, here's my situation: husband had a long term affair that ended when I found out several years ago. He almost got into another (if not acted on it, but I can't confirm and he denies). I buried the feelings and moved on in the marriage and its been....fine. I am now at a place where I'm at least ready to deal with the betrayal and am taking concrete steps to do that, and that could lead me to a place where I want to leave the marriage. I have to heal me, first, regardless of my relationship status. But then...??? Lots of big scary things. We have elementary/middle school aged children. So, back to my question....do you regret your divorce?

[Anonymous]

Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

Agree. It would take a great deal of humility, the likes of which are not frequently found on DCUM

[Anonymous]

No regrets at all. I do get sad sometimes that things didn’t work out, but I couldn’t give my life up to a man who didn’t care about me or my well-being. I didn’t want to wake up at 60 and realize my life was gone.

Our child adapted well. Our house was a very toxic and stressful environment, she’s doing much better not being in the thick of it anymore.

My mom does regret divorcing my dad, despite having a deep hatred of him. But that has more to do with losing the cushy SAHM lifestyle….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see lots of threads on DCUM about regrets not divorcing earlier. What about the other side -- do you regret divorcing your ex?

Since the question always comes from somewhere, here's my situation: husband had a long term affair that ended when I found out several years ago. He almost got into another (if not acted on it, but I can't confirm and he denies). I buried the feelings and moved on in the marriage and its been....fine. I am now at a place where I'm at least ready to deal with the betrayal and am taking concrete steps to do that, and that could lead me to a place where I want to leave the marriage. I have to heal me, first, regardless of my relationship status. But then...??? Lots of big scary things. We have elementary/middle school aged children. So, back to my question....do you regret your divorce?

I just recently divorced and am happy both of my kids can stay at home on their own, make their own food, and do chores around the house. No aftercare needed which helps with expenses. The stories I hear about moms with little kids sound just exhausting.

Infidelity is hard because the person is allowing that behavior in their life and it's like an addiction they rationalize. Their go to method when they are either in need of a pick me up or are given an offer by someone.

[Anonymous]

I do not regret it, but I also do not regret trying very, very hard to save the marriage. My conscience is clear and I can tell the children I really tried. I am an ACOD and understand the difficulties it will pose for my kids throughout their lives, so I could never be cavalier about my own divorce.

I also do not regret that I waited until the kids were older and I had my ducks in a row financially. With little kids it would be really, really hard, harder than my specific marriage was at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not regret it, but I also do not regret trying very, very hard to save the marriage. My conscience is clear and I can tell the children I really tried. I am an ACOD and understand the difficulties it will pose for my kids throughout their lives, so I could never be cavalier about my own divorce.

I also do not regret that I waited until the kids were older and I had my ducks in a row financially. With little kids it would be really, really hard, harder than my specific marriage was at the time.

OP here -- I guess that's where I'm going with the question. If divorce is in the cards, the balance of how much i'm willing to compromise on my happiness with what my kids need and can comprehend. I hear of women who "wait until kids out of the house" -- but I don't know that I could sign up for that. That said, like you, I have been and will continue to try very hard to save the marriage. The problem is that is a two person job and I don't think my husband realizes we are circling the drain.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like a spouse who so easily falls into affairs cares very much about the kids, even if they are willing to stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like a spouse who so easily falls into affairs cares very much about the kids, even if they are willing to stay in the marriage.

This is dumb. He's staying in the marriage BECAUSE of his kids. You can love your kids and no longer be in love with your wife/husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not regret it, but I also do not regret trying very, very hard to save the marriage. My conscience is clear and I can tell the children I really tried. I am an ACOD and understand the difficulties it will pose for my kids throughout their lives, so I could never be cavalier about my own divorce.

I also do not regret that I waited until the kids were older and I had my ducks in a row financially. With little kids it would be really, really hard, harder than my specific marriage was at the time.

OP here -- I guess that's where I'm going with the question. If divorce is in the cards, the balance of how much i'm willing to compromise on my happiness with what my kids need and can comprehend. I hear of women who "wait until kids out of the house" -- but I don't know that I could sign up for that. That said, like you, I have been and will continue to try very hard to save the marriage. The problem is that is a two person job and I don't think my husband realizes we are circling the drain.

Well, you know, everyone's situation is unique. I definitely know people who stayed together until the kids were out of the house, and I think that can be a practical choice. Then you're both free to move without regard to school districts and day-to-day custody-sharing logistics.

Some people just really don't want to miss out on time with their kids, other people don't mind or know they would get enough time. Or they're waiting until at least one kid can handle their own school commute. Don't underestimate the logistical questions when you're dealing solo with your kids and have to take them to two different schools. Don't be over-optimistic about how long all of this stuff is going to take you, OP. It's easy to say "I want a divorce." It's not so easy to work it through the legal process, nor to prep your house to sell, actually sell it, and find a new home that you like. It really just depends on your own situation, but in my experience it's a slow process. You may not want to pull the trigger, in terms of telling the kids etc., until you and your STBX have these matters under control and teed up for resolution. I've definitely known people who didn't think they could stand to wait for X amount of time, but it turned out to take that long, so they had to.

[Anonymous]

I think if you've decided you need to divorce for your own happiness, you can take efforts to try to do it amicably and maintain a non-hostile or even friendly disposition toward your ex. This is not possible with everyone, as some are just determined to burn bridges -- even if it hurts their kids.

[Anonymous]

I flat out told my husband I would never give up on our marriage as long as there was a shred of hope that we could reconcile. A big part of why I tried so hard to stay together was because the last few years before we separated, husband barely was home and spent little time with the kids. I didn’t want time with their dad decreased even further. He didn’t want to look like the bad guy for walking out on his family, but he wanted out of the marriage so he waged a campaign to do everything he could to alienate me and make me want him to leave. He made life intolerable so that I would finally say, yep, I want out too.

I regret splitting up because of the price my children will pay for the rest of their lives, having to split holidays between more households, but I don’t regret it for myself because you can’t make someone stay in a relationship with you. I didn’t really have a choice. Like the pp, I have a clear conscience and can tell my kids I tried like hell to keep us together. They know the full deal because husband moved out, never sought any physical custody, and moved his girlfriend in without telling the kids. The kids have never spent a single night at his place because he hasn’t bothered to set up rooms for them. He maintains just enough contact with them to have the facade of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like a spouse who so easily falls into affairs cares very much about the kids, even if they are willing to stay in the marriage.

This is dumb. He's staying in the marriage BECAUSE of his kids. You can love your kids and no longer be in love with your wife/husband.

People like this enjoy their kids for their own benefit. The pleasure and status it gives them. I would say care is the correct term.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I wouldn't say care is the correct term when you are committing infidelity typically and over many years with different people.

[Anonymous]

They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.