Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me sad. All my kids grandparents have passed away and I would give anything to have a vacation with them!

[Anonymous]

I’d bow out and let H take himself and the kids. I’m not using my only remaining PTO this year after taking off so much time for COVID quarantines with my young kids to see my ILs on a trip I don’t even want to go on. I need to take our kids to visit my parents at some point too, we can’t do both with what little PTO we have remaining. So in our situation, my husband is covering the obligatory visit his side and I’m covering the one to my side and we are both equally miserable not getting a single day of PTO to use for ourselves or to do something together as a family! Yay 2022!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws did this to us— “took” us on vacation and covered hotels while international airfare was on us. Oh and *just* us his married sisters were treated to everything. We have subsequently declined to travel with them except when it’s someplace we want to go and we invite *them* to join *us* at their expense if they want to. Much less resentment that way.

How did that go down? What made them think that was a good approach?

I don’t know that they think it’s a good idea, but they know it’s the only way they’re vacationing with us.

It went down by my saying, I am not using half of my PTO to go on a vacation that someone else chooses as their all-expenses-paid dream vacation and we’re just along for the ride. My husband was so embarrassed that his parents did it in the first place I think he would have been fine never vacationing with them again, but as a compromise we invite them on trips when it suits us to do so.

[Anonymous]

Sourpuss OP should just stay home and sulk about money and let DH and kids go. She doesn't like the inlaws, they probably don't care for her either. Everyone should stop pretending except the husband and children.

[Anonymous]

My parents are sort of doing this too. They rented a beach house for a week next summer and invited my family and my siblings’ families to come. It’s a pretty inconvenient place to get to…closest mid size airport is 2 hours away and even that is not a major airport so there are no direct flights and flights are super expensive. My parents will be driving as they live about 6 hours away. My family and siblings’ families live very far away so we will fly and pay $$$$ plus rental cars to do so.

I’m glad we’re going bc I love the beach and my family and I know my kids and my parents will be so happy. But I can’t help be annoyed at how little consideration was given to how inconvenient and expensive the trip will be for us. And I know my parents think of it as their gift to us when it’s not quite accurate since they’re just treating us to a small part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws did this to us— “took” us on vacation and covered hotels while international airfare was on us. Oh and *just* us his married sisters were treated to everything. We have subsequently declined to travel with them except when it’s someplace we want to go and we invite *them* to join *us* at their expense if they want to. Much less resentment that way.

How did that go down? What made them think that was a good approach?

I don’t know that they think it’s a good idea, but they know it’s the only way they’re vacationing with us.

It went down by my saying, I am not using half of my PTO to go on a vacation that someone else chooses as their all-expenses-paid dream vacation and we’re just along for the ride. My husband was so embarrassed that his parents did it in the first place I think he would have been fine never vacationing with them again, but as a compromise we invite them on trips when it suits us to do so.

I just can't imagine paying for only 2 of 3 siblings. Who does that???

[Anonymous]

They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws did this to us— “took” us on vacation and covered hotels while international airfare was on us. Oh and *just* us his married sisters were treated to everything. We have subsequently declined to travel with them except when it’s someplace we want to go and we invite *them* to join *us* at their expense if they want to. Much less resentment that way.

How did that go down? What made them think that was a good approach?

I don’t know that they think it’s a good idea, but they know it’s the only way they’re vacationing with us.

It went down by my saying, I am not using half of my PTO to go on a vacation that someone else chooses as their all-expenses-paid dream vacation and we’re just along for the ride. My husband was so embarrassed that his parents did it in the first place I think he would have been fine never vacationing with them again, but as a compromise we invite them on trips when it suits us to do so.

I just can't imagine paying for only 2 of 3 siblings. Who does that???

If I’m giving them the most benefit of the doubt, it’s because his sisters are pushy, demanding people who would absolutely have asked/insisted on being given plane tickets, and my DH and I are not that kind of people. So we found out upon arrival that we were out $5k and everyone else was all-expenses paid. We are a more professionally successful couple than the others now, but this was first year out of graduate school for me at $2500 was significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sourpuss OP should just stay home and sulk about money and let DH and kids go. She doesn't like the inlaws, they probably don't care for her either. Everyone should stop pretending except the husband and children.

Um, that sounds like an amazing deal for OP. Her husband can manage three kids on his own running all over a national park while she gets a quiet house all to herself. Staycation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sourpuss OP should just stay home and sulk about money and let DH and kids go. She doesn't like the inlaws, they probably don't care for her either. Everyone should stop pretending except the husband and children.

Um, that sounds like an amazing deal for OP. Her husband can manage three kids on his own running all over a national park while she gets a quiet house all to herself. Staycation!

Except then DH has no more PTO because he’s wasted it on this ego stroking trip, so OP doesn’t get to vacation with her own family, all because her in-laws are cheap.

[Anonymous]

As an only child, I'm kind of grateful that I don't have to deal with stuff like this (at least not from my side). My mom and I plan where we'd like to go and then we coordinate. Inlaws just don't travel.

I do think that this would be extremely annoying. I don't think you can "invite" people on a trip as a parent unless you pay airfare and hotels. (note: my parents don't pay). Unless I get a lot of input, I'm not going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws did this to us— “took” us on vacation and covered hotels while international airfare was on us. Oh and *just* us his married sisters were treated to everything. We have subsequently declined to travel with them except when it’s someplace we want to go and we invite *them* to join *us* at their expense if they want to. Much less resentment that way.

SAME. Except my SILs aren't married. They plan all these trips with my inlaws that don't work at all for my family (like in the middle of the school year, Ocean City in January), inlaws pay for them, not us. I absolutely refuse to spend my annual leave on Ocean City in January. I like my inlaws, just not vacationing there or spending money in places I don't want to be. We've invited them on trips that we thought they'd enjoy, but of course they decline. So I feel no guilt when I decline too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sourpuss OP should just stay home and sulk about money and let DH and kids go. She doesn't like the inlaws, they probably don't care for her either. Everyone should stop pretending except the husband and children.

Um, that sounds like an amazing deal for OP. Her husband can manage three kids on his own running all over a national park while she gets a quiet house all to herself. Staycation!

+1. Everyone wins!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws did this to us— “took” us on vacation and covered hotels while international airfare was on us. Oh and *just* us his married sisters were treated to everything. We have subsequently declined to travel with them except when it’s someplace we want to go and we invite *them* to join *us* at their expense if they want to. Much less resentment that way.

SAME. Except my SILs aren't married. They plan all these trips with my inlaws that don't work at all for my family (like in the middle of the school year, Ocean City in January), inlaws pay for them, not us. I absolutely refuse to spend my annual leave on Ocean City in January. I like my inlaws, just not vacationing there or spending money in places I don't want to be. We've invited them on trips that we thought they'd enjoy, but of course they decline. So I feel no guilt when I decline too.

I’m the poster you quoted— call it out. Really it’s awkward in the moment but “Belinda, Fred, we appreciate the invitation but these trips seem to be more about what works for (SiL, SiL) than us. If you want to plan a trip together sometime, let us know” is perfectly respectful and polite.

I was less respectful and told my in laws that I wasn’t using half of my leave to be ordered around by an entitled lunatic (sil) for ten days ever again. They were embarrassed because they know she’s nuts, and they know their inequal treatment was obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sourpuss OP should just stay home and sulk about money and let DH and kids go. She doesn't like the inlaws, they probably don't care for her either. Everyone should stop pretending except the husband and children.

Um, that sounds like an amazing deal for OP. Her husband can manage three kids on his own running all over a national park while she gets a quiet house all to herself. Staycation!

Except then DH has no more PTO because he’s wasted it on this ego stroking trip, so OP doesn’t get to vacation with her own family, all because her in-laws are cheap.

Where did she say she was giving up a vacation with her own family? Even if it was all expenses paid that wouldn't fix the limited PTO issue anyway.