Tell me about adoption

[Anonymous]

We have 3 adopted DC, now in college, all adopted as infants internationally over a period of a few years. I would do it again in a heartbeat and I love my children more than life. We have had issues similar to issues that my friends with bio kids have had. Kids are happy and well attached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Closed adoption doesn't mean the child won't need to know they are adopted and it won't shield them from being adopted or feeling different.

Most international adoptions are considered closed but not really as you can hire someone in country to find the birth parents.

Domestic adoption - if you are offered a closed adoption scenario which is very rare these days I would think long and hard about it and assume there is some issue with one or both of the birth parents.

If you want to adopt an infant or young toddler, than international adoption is not for you.

Poke around social media for adult adoptee accounts to get a better idea of the lifelong issues some adoptees faces. You can be wonderful, loving, caring and perfect and still your child could end up resenting the fact they are adopted. So just know that going in.

It's much better to have some connection with the birth family. (I say this as an adoptive parent btw)

Don't adopt a bi-racial child because they won't really be Black. Agencies often say this and it's easy to get caught up and believe it. They will really be viewed by society as Black.

Lastly, it's ok to decide that you don't want to adopt. It isn't a cure for infertility and some people simply can't truly accept adoption over a biological child or one they birth.

If you can carry a child, you could consider other methods - egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption. These might be a better fit.

This is just not true for all adoptees. I hate blanketed statements like this. Two people can have the exact same adoption history and have completely different reactions to it. Adoption is nuanced and all your statements are very black and white.

This. Please don’t listen to all that.

No regrets. It was a long, hard and difficult process. But, so worth it.

Yes but you are the adoptive parents.

Years from now when your kids are teens and young adults, they will get to have their own ideas and feelings about adoption. It's just so hard when the kids are young to think they or you will ever see adoption as anything but wonderful and rosy.

Nothing I wrote is black and white except that adoption isn't a cure for infertility.

It's just the kind of things that adoptive parents don't want to think about especially when their kids are young. Instead of getting upset and defensive, just accept that like the PP said every person's experience being adopted is different and your child might not have the same feelings about adoption as you do.

Every biological parent's experience is also unique. You are obviously biased against adoption.

I would put more weight on parents who have actually raised children through adoption. Not onlookers who are judging it from the outside.

PP here that you are addressing. That’s great! I am glad you will give more weight on what I wrote. I am an adoptive parent - as I mentioned in my first post - and our child is now in college.

[Anonymous]

I adopted a healthy newborn girl at age 46. I was (and still am) single. Domestic and closed adoption. Best thing I ever did. Stars must have been aligned because we are such a great fit, and she is more than I could have asked for. I could not have had a biological child as amazing as she is even when my eggs were good! The process took 1 year. I started with a lawyer, and after 11 months, she recommended I join an adoption agency. A month to the day I joined, my daughter was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I adopted a healthy newborn girl at age 46. I was (and still am) single. Domestic and closed adoption. Best thing I ever did. Stars must have been aligned because we are such a great fit, and she is more than I could have asked for. I could not have had a biological child as amazing as she is even when my eggs were good! The process took 1 year. I started with a lawyer, and after 11 months, she recommended I join an adoption agency. A month to the day I joined, my daughter was born.

Forgot to mention this was 8 years agi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I adopted a healthy newborn girl at age 46. I was (and still am) single. Domestic and closed adoption. Best thing I ever did. Stars must have been aligned because we are such a great fit, and she is more than I could have asked for. I could not have had a biological child as amazing as she is even when my eggs were good! The process took 1 year. I started with a lawyer, and after 11 months, she recommended I join an adoption agency. A month to the day I joined, my daughter was born.

Forgot to mention this was 8 years agi.

So very happy for you both. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I adopted a healthy newborn girl at age 46. I was (and still am) single. Domestic and closed adoption. Best thing I ever did. Stars must have been aligned because we are such a great fit, and she is more than I could have asked for. I could not have had a biological child as amazing as she is even when my eggs were good! The process took 1 year. I started with a lawyer, and after 11 months, she recommended I join an adoption agency. A month to the day I joined, my daughter was born.

Forgot to mention this was 8 years agi.

So very happy for you both. Hugs!

Thank you! So nice of you. Made me smile!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

Trust me, that is far from the worst in open adoption. The unthinkable happened to us.

IMO our family member's open adoption situation is a ticking time bomb. Bio family was welcomed to be involved from birth and they blew that door wide open with extreme involvement. They've made it publicly clear over and over that this is THEIR family's child. It's almost as if the adoptive parents are nothing more than caregivers.

That wasn't what I was even remotely talking about. You clearly have no idea. We maintain a very open relationship with the "birthmother's" family and they are wonderful. We are all family. There is no birth vs. adoption or competition like your family member does. They are aunt/uncle/grandma/grandpa/cousins. We talk a minimum of a few times a month, often more. I don't have to worry about their intentions and they are very supportive of us (and we each consider each other family). We have what you'd consider extreme involvement and its wonderful not only for them, but us and our child.

Your relative sounds horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

Trust me, that is far from the worst in open adoption. The unthinkable happened to us.

IMO our family member's open adoption situation is a ticking time bomb. Bio family was welcomed to be involved from birth and they blew that door wide open with extreme involvement. They've made it publicly clear over and over that this is THEIR family's child. It's almost as if the adoptive parents are nothing more than caregivers.

That wasn't what I was even remotely talking about. You clearly have no idea. We maintain a very open relationship with the "birthmother's" family and they are wonderful. We are all family. There is no birth vs. adoption or competition like your family member does. They are aunt/uncle/grandma/grandpa/cousins. We talk a minimum of a few times a month, often more. I don't have to worry about their intentions and they are very supportive of us (and we each consider each other family). We have what you'd consider extreme involvement and its wonderful not only for them, but us and our child.

Your relative sounds horrible.

We have a very good idea. It just isn't the same as your situation so don't point your smug finger.

Why does the relative sound horrible when it's the birthfamily which is being exclusionary? While you may all be one big happy family (sincere congratulations on that BTW) it sounds like you only have the one adopted child. It doesn't always work out like that especially if there are bio children in the family. The birth family does not consider the other bio children other than ancillary: "We are Larlo's grandparents." NOT "We are Larlo, Larla and Suzy's grandparents." Yet the adoptive family's side doesn't make that distinction.

This is an issue which is rarely talked about in many open adoptions and can be very thorny.

[Anonymous]

This thread went off the rails

OP, I'm an adult adoptee and also a parent to adopted and bio children. I adopted internationally from the same country I was adopted from. The rules have changed since I adopted but the process was relatively easy for me (as easy as an adoption process can get, that is). The whole thing took 14 months from start (first application) to bringing my child home and much of that was waiting on the two countries' governments to review and approve the emigration.

One thing I've found as an adult adoptee who is also an adoptive parent, at least in the international, transracial adoption world, is that today's adoptive parents go through more education in terms of racial awareness, which is a very good thing. I am very close to my adoptive parents, but did search for my bio family, but it had nothing to do with my adoptive parents. I can't say that finding my birth family has brought any more medical knowledge, unfortunately. My adoptive parents traveled with me to meet my birth family and it was a very special trip.

My adopted child is still a teen, so they're still young, but so far there have been no negative ways that being adopted has manifested. We are open about it and I think it helps that I am their racial and ethnic mirror. My bio child, also a teen, has had some challenges that my adopted child hasn't faced and most likely never will. I love my children very much, yet I'm cognizant that my joy comes on the back of another family's loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

Trust me, that is far from the worst in open adoption. The unthinkable happened to us.

IMO our family member's open adoption situation is a ticking time bomb. Bio family was welcomed to be involved from birth and they blew that door wide open with extreme involvement. They've made it publicly clear over and over that this is THEIR family's child. It's almost as if the adoptive parents are nothing more than caregivers.

That wasn't what I was even remotely talking about. You clearly have no idea. We maintain a very open relationship with the "birthmother's" family and they are wonderful. We are all family. There is no birth vs. adoption or competition like your family member does. They are aunt/uncle/grandma/grandpa/cousins. We talk a minimum of a few times a month, often more. I don't have to worry about their intentions and they are very supportive of us (and we each consider each other family). We have what you'd consider extreme involvement and its wonderful not only for them, but us and our child.

Your relative sounds horrible.

We have a very good idea. It just isn't the same as your situation so don't point your smug finger.

Why does the relative sound horrible when it's the birthfamily which is being exclusionary? While you may all be one big happy family (sincere congratulations on that BTW) it sounds like you only have the one adopted child. It doesn't always work out like that especially if there are bio children in the family. The birth family does not consider the other bio children other than ancillary: "We are Larlo's grandparents." NOT "We are Larlo, Larla and Suzy's grandparents." Yet the adoptive family's side doesn't make that distinction.

This is an issue which is rarely talked about in many open adoptions and can be very thorny.

Its not exclusionary. They are not the other children's relatives and its their choice to include all kids or not. But, anyone decent in adoption isn't calling the kids bio vs. adopted and it sounds like there are a lot of issues in this family starting with you. The family through adoption are the legal grandparents. The birth family is only the birth family to one child. The parents should have thought about this and how they'd handle it prior to adoption. They should not be expected to have the same relationship, send gifts to all, etc. You are unreasonable.

No, I have multiple children. And my kids aren't my adopted kids. They are my children. They joined our family through adoption but that does not define their role in our family.

[Anonymous]

We have had a (thus far) successful international closed adoption. We have bio child as well. There are different issues that come up ( multi racial family and abandonment issues but we did family therapy for that).

Our agency would only handle closed adoptions in order to protect the children and adoptive families because they had several bad experiences with bio families extorting payments but showing no interest in the wel being of the children.

We did have access to a lot of info about the bio mother though including her name and SS number equivalent so we will search for her when our teen is an adult if she wants to.

We did heritage trip to the birth country of our DD and have enrolled her in language classes in the main language of her birth country so she communicate there later if she wishes to.

The level of racism in society is astonishing. We try to support our DD as much as possible in navigating racism with grit and sensitivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

Trust me, that is far from the worst in open adoption. The unthinkable happened to us.

IMO our family member's open adoption situation is a ticking time bomb. Bio family was welcomed to be involved from birth and they blew that door wide open with extreme involvement. They've made it publicly clear over and over that this is THEIR family's child. It's almost as if the adoptive parents are nothing more than caregivers.

That wasn't what I was even remotely talking about. You clearly have no idea. We maintain a very open relationship with the "birthmother's" family and they are wonderful. We are all family. There is no birth vs. adoption or competition like your family member does. They are aunt/uncle/grandma/grandpa/cousins. We talk a minimum of a few times a month, often more. I don't have to worry about their intentions and they are very supportive of us (and we each consider each other family). We have what you'd consider extreme involvement and its wonderful not only for them, but us and our child.

Your relative sounds horrible.

We have a very good idea. It just isn't the same as your situation so don't point your smug finger.

Why does the relative sound horrible when it's the birthfamily which is being exclusionary? While you may all be one big happy family (sincere congratulations on that BTW) it sounds like you only have the one adopted child. It doesn't always work out like that especially if there are bio children in the family. The birth family does not consider the other bio children other than ancillary: "We are Larlo's grandparents." NOT "We are Larlo, Larla and Suzy's grandparents." Yet the adoptive family's side doesn't make that distinction.

This is an issue which is rarely talked about in many open adoptions and can be very thorny.

Its not exclusionary. They are not the other children's relatives and its their choice to include all kids or not. But, anyone decent in adoption isn't calling the kids bio vs. adopted and it sounds like there are a lot of issues in this family starting with you. The family through adoption are the legal grandparents. The birth family is only the birth family to one child. The parents should have thought about this and how they'd handle it prior to adoption. They should not be expected to have the same relationship, send gifts to all, etc. You are unreasonable.

No, I have multiple children. And my kids aren't my adopted kids. They are my children. They joined our family through adoption but that does not define their role in our family.

In your opinion it is reasonable for people to come into the home, focus on one child in the FAMILY, bring gifts/recognize birthdays of that one child, and ignore the others because they are not "relatives?" How is that not exclusionary?

But you are right that it should have been discussed, at length, before the private open adoption was agreed upon. Unfortunately the private adoption business is rife with problems not the least of which is making sure proper counseling/discussion is done prior to finalization.

[Anonymous]

I actually do think that is fine, because that child has a unique person in their lives the others do not. Their time together (and gift giving) should be outside your home,

Your family make make-up is complex. It will not look like Donna Reed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

Trust me, that is far from the worst in open adoption. The unthinkable happened to us.

IMO our family member's open adoption situation is a ticking time bomb. Bio family was welcomed to be involved from birth and they blew that door wide open with extreme involvement. They've made it publicly clear over and over that this is THEIR family's child. It's almost as if the adoptive parents are nothing more than caregivers.

That wasn't what I was even remotely talking about. You clearly have no idea. We maintain a very open relationship with the "birthmother's" family and they are wonderful. We are all family. There is no birth vs. adoption or competition like your family member does. They are aunt/uncle/grandma/grandpa/cousins. We talk a minimum of a few times a month, often more. I don't have to worry about their intentions and they are very supportive of us (and we each consider each other family). We have what you'd consider extreme involvement and its wonderful not only for them, but us and our child.

Your relative sounds horrible.

We have a very good idea. It just isn't the same as your situation so don't point your smug finger.

Why does the relative sound horrible when it's the birthfamily which is being exclusionary? While you may all be one big happy family (sincere congratulations on that BTW) it sounds like you only have the one adopted child. It doesn't always work out like that especially if there are bio children in the family. The birth family does not consider the other bio children other than ancillary: "We are Larlo's grandparents." NOT "We are Larlo, Larla and Suzy's grandparents." Yet the adoptive family's side doesn't make that distinction.

This is an issue which is rarely talked about in many open adoptions and can be very thorny.

Its not exclusionary. They are not the other children's relatives and its their choice to include all kids or not. But, anyone decent in adoption isn't calling the kids bio vs. adopted and it sounds like there are a lot of issues in this family starting with you. The family through adoption are the legal grandparents. The birth family is only the birth family to one child. The parents should have thought about this and how they'd handle it prior to adoption. They should not be expected to have the same relationship, send gifts to all, etc. You are unreasonable.

No, I have multiple children. And my kids aren't my adopted kids. They are my children. They joined our family through adoption but that does not define their role in our family.

In your opinion it is reasonable for people to come into the home, focus on one child in the FAMILY, bring gifts/recognize birthdays of that one child, and ignore the others because they are not "relatives?" How is that not exclusionary?

But you are right that it should have been discussed, at length, before the private open adoption was agreed upon. Unfortunately the private adoption business is rife with problems not the least of which is making sure proper counseling/discussion is done prior to finalization.

Yes, I do. They are there to see their grandchild. You are the relatives for all the kids, not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

Trust me, that is far from the worst in open adoption. The unthinkable happened to us.

IMO our family member's open adoption situation is a ticking time bomb. Bio family was welcomed to be involved from birth and they blew that door wide open with extreme involvement. They've made it publicly clear over and over that this is THEIR family's child. It's almost as if the adoptive parents are nothing more than caregivers.

That wasn't what I was even remotely talking about. You clearly have no idea. We maintain a very open relationship with the "birthmother's" family and they are wonderful. We are all family. There is no birth vs. adoption or competition like your family member does. They are aunt/uncle/grandma/grandpa/cousins. We talk a minimum of a few times a month, often more. I don't have to worry about their intentions and they are very supportive of us (and we each consider each other family). We have what you'd consider extreme involvement and its wonderful not only for them, but us and our child.

Your relative sounds horrible.

We have a very good idea. It just isn't the same as your situation so don't point your smug finger.

Why does the relative sound horrible when it's the birthfamily which is being exclusionary? While you may all be one big happy family (sincere congratulations on that BTW) it sounds like you only have the one adopted child. It doesn't always work out like that especially if there are bio children in the family. The birth family does not consider the other bio children other than ancillary: "We are Larlo's grandparents." NOT "We are Larlo, Larla and Suzy's grandparents." Yet the adoptive family's side doesn't make that distinction.

This is an issue which is rarely talked about in many open adoptions and can be very thorny.

I agree. Open adoptions are not for everyone and the thorny issues need to be addressed.