Tell me about adoption

[Anonymous]

We did international to avoid the whole "open" adoption thing. Not for our family.

[Anonymous]

Adoptive parent twice over. We adopted DS 12 years ago, when he was 1. Then, a few later, we learned there was a younger (half) sibling, in foster care. We were offered the chance to adopt her from foster care which we did. We were foster parents for 2 years, before being able to finalize her adoption when she was 3. They are now 13 and 9. BM had mental health issues and wasn't able to parent without risking harm to her children, and in neither case did the BF or other close relatives want to step in.

The whole experience has been overwhelmingly positive for us and for the kids. Easily the closest thing to a miracle that we have ever experienced. Both kids are ADHD, but that has nothing to do with adoption. Actually in the case of DS its an asset sometimes as he can hyperfocus on the things he's interested in. Both adoptions are open, in that I e-mail an update and a photo twice a year. (Adopting from foster care is a closed adoption, but I send an update anyway as it would be cruel to report on one child and not the other).

Our adoption attorney has since retired. That said people in the DMV adoption community speak very highly of Jennifer Fairfax, and she is the adoption attorney we would seek out if we were to pursue adoption again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did international to avoid the whole "open" adoption thing. Not for our family.

Well actually, your child did not get a vote. So, it would be more accurate to say "not for my husband and me."

[Anonymous]

"the closest thing to a miracle that we have ever experienced"

This, exactly PP, you have captured it perfectly.

--another grateful adoptive mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did international to avoid the whole "open" adoption thing. Not for our family.

Well actually, your child did not get a vote. So, it would be more accurate to say "not for my husband and me."

No, it does not mean that. It means for the whole family.

Minor children do not get a say in the decisions of adults. Do you consult your kids for major parental decisions?

The anti-adopters on here need to get out. We are here to support and encourage adoptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did international to avoid the whole "open" adoption thing. Not for our family.

Well actually, your child did not get a vote. So, it would be more accurate to say "not for my husband and me."

No, it does not mean that. It means for the whole family.

Minor children do not get a say in the decisions of adults. Do you consult your kids for major parental decisions?

The anti-adopters on here need to get out. We are here to support and encourage adoptions.

Um, the OP asked:

"Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision."

That does not mean ONLY positive experiences are allowed That does not mean that some people have NOT had positive experiences.

People need to be able to hear both sides and make an informed decision including input from those who have had a difficult adoption experience.

It is much, much worse for people to get glowing propaganda from adoption agencies/attorneys who can often be more interested in financials than family. Which seems to be the obvious intent of your comment.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks that open adoption is just a new way to pressure the birth parent into consenting to the adoption.
I am not sure if it helps her grieve her loss.
Sometimes it can be very hard for her if the adoptive parents divorce.
I am not convinced that open adoption is not marketed as co-parenting, which it is not
A little googling with find plenty of stories of heart broken birth moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks that open adoption is just a new way to pressure the birth parent into consenting to the adoption.
I am not sure if it helps her grieve her loss.
Sometimes it can be very hard for her if the adoptive parents divorce.
I am not convinced that open adoption is not marketed as co-parenting, which it is not
A little googling with find plenty of stories of heart broken birth moms

No, you are not alone in your thinking. The rise of private "open" adoptions is extremely concerning, especially since there is very little regulatory oversight and it varies so much from state to state.

A little more googling will show that these "open" agreements are NOT legally enforceable. If the adoptive family chooses to cut out the birth mom/family and go no-contact, they have every legal right to do so.

It would not surprise me that in 20 or 30 years, we will see a flood of problems from these open adoptions which have gone sour. As you've pointed out, what happens if the adoptive parents divorce? And then remarry? And have biological children with new spouses? That's just one complication out of many. Likewise, what happens when the young birth mother gets older, more settled and is actively watching others raise her child when all she really needed was some help for a few years to get to a more mature age and financial security, and she could have kept her child.

I get that open works for some families and everything is wonderful (now) but who know what lies in anyone's future...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks that open adoption is just a new way to pressure the birth parent into consenting to the adoption.
I am not sure if it helps her grieve her loss.
Sometimes it can be very hard for her if the adoptive parents divorce.
I am not convinced that open adoption is not marketed as co-parenting, which it is not
A little googling with find plenty of stories of heart broken birth moms

Adoption is heartbreaking for a birth mom regarldess of open or closed. Open adoption doesn't make it any more or less heart breaking.

I think people hear about open adoption and get defensive because they fear the child will like the birth mother more than their adoptive mother and the birth mother may try and insist that a child be parented a certain way.
In the majority of people who I have spoke with that have an open adoption situations, neither of these have come to pass. It seems like in the first one to two years there is more contact and then as time goes on it settles into a more routine and spread out pattern.

[Anonymous]

As a teacher I have contact with many adopted older kids. I think it would help if there was not such a push to proclaim adoption status and look for bio parents. There are plenty of naturally born children who do not know every detail of their parents and ancestors lives … and they are going very well in life. Making it an issue is just that: making it an issue. I’m sure I will get flamed for this. I have had so many students introduced themselves as “Hi I’m Jacob and I’m adopted!” It’s ok but is it really your only identity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher I have contact with many adopted older kids. I think it would help if there was not such a push to proclaim adoption status and look for bio parents. There are plenty of naturally born children who do not know every detail of their parents and ancestors lives … and they are going very well in life. Making it an issue is just that: making it an issue. I’m sure I will get flamed for this. I have had so many students introduced themselves as “Hi I’m Jacob and I’m adopted!” It’s ok but is it really your only identity?

No flamethrower here. But the easiest way to adopt in the U.S. is to agree to an open adoption where the birth family is often enjoined with the adopted family. As a teacher, don't be surprised if at one point in the future a meeting with a child's parents will encompass multiple adults, to include both adopted/birth parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher I have contact with many adopted older kids. I think it would help if there was not such a push to proclaim adoption status and look for bio parents. There are plenty of naturally born children who do not know every detail of their parents and ancestors lives … and they are going very well in life. Making it an issue is just that: making it an issue. I’m sure I will get flamed for this. I have had so many students introduced themselves as “Hi I’m Jacob and I’m adopted!” It’s ok but is it really your only identity?

As a teacher, please make sure you’re not using “naturally born” in your vocabulary anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Here's some IG accts to check out so that you can fully understand some things

@karpoozy
@babybebrave
@lovedbyohana
@adopteenation
@haleyradke
@anne_heffron
@my_refocused_life
@adopteevoices
@noonetoldme
@evolvingadoptee
@girlxadapted

So many more. The world has evolved from closed adoptions and there needs to be an understanding as to why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher I have contact with many adopted older kids. I think it would help if there was not such a push to proclaim adoption status and look for bio parents. There are plenty of naturally born children who do not know every detail of their parents and ancestors lives … and they are going very well in life. Making it an issue is just that: making it an issue. I’m sure I will get flamed for this. I have had so many students introduced themselves as “Hi I’m Jacob and I’m adopted!” It’s ok but is it really your only identity?

Unless you were adopted, please refrain from sharing your opinion on anything regarding adoption, biological family, DNA, searches, or adoption, period. Not in your purview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher I have contact with many adopted older kids. I think it would help if there was not such a push to proclaim adoption status and look for bio parents. There are plenty of naturally born children who do not know every detail of their parents and ancestors lives … and they are going very well in life. Making it an issue is just that: making it an issue. I’m sure I will get flamed for this. I have had so many students introduced themselves as “Hi I’m Jacob and I’m adopted!” It’s ok but is it really your only identity?

So, are YOU the authority on the identity of adopted people? Let me answer- you are not.

This was quite cringwworthy. And what does "naturally born" even mean?