Tell me about adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is adopted — private, international — who always knew she wanted to adopt herself (didn’t want to be pregnant and doesn’t like babies). She preferred to go with an open adoption through foster care with an older child. Her own experience and all the research suggests that open adoptions are much healthier for adoptees and I know not having the option to find her birth family has been difficult for her even though she loves her adoptive parents very much. She fostered two siblings and has since adopted one of them. I think she’s an excellent parent and adores her daughter but I do know it was harder than she expected. She currently lives with her husband and her parents and says having four adults to one child feels like the right ratio to her. So y’know. Definitely can be a challenge. As with any parenting journey having help (family or paid) can be helpful.

If you have sources for this please post links! Open adoptions are relatively new and I'd be interested to see longitudinal studies especially those that include input from now young-adult adoptees. Also any statistics on the relevance of how open adoption was. (Was it just knowledge of who birth family is, occasional contact with birth family via photo/visits/phone, or full-on immersion with birth family throughout their lives.) Interesting to know how the level of openness affects outcomes for entire family including adoptive parents, not solely adoptees.

My comment was based on a foster-adopt info session I attended and internet research I did several years ago and the experiences of a friend (above) and family member who had totally closed adoptions and wanted to seek out their birth families as adults. But I found this paper just now that seems to get into some of what you’re asking: https://health.uconn.edu/adoption-assistance/wp-content/uploads/sites/68/2016/07/2012_03_OpennessInAdoption.pdf. My understanding is the research suggests that not having the option to learn about your birth family is not ideal. Beyond that, I think degrees of openness might depend on all the people involved and what’s healthiest for everyone? Obviously infant adoption is quite different than adopting eg a tween or teen.

[Anonymous]

With home genetic tests and 23 & me there is basically no such thing as a "closed" adoption anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Closed adoption doesn't mean the child won't need to know they are adopted and it won't shield them from being adopted or feeling different.

Most international adoptions are considered closed but not really as you can hire someone in country to find the birth parents.

Domestic adoption - if you are offered a closed adoption scenario which is very rare these days I would think long and hard about it and assume there is some issue with one or both of the birth parents.

If you want to adopt an infant or young toddler, than international adoption is not for you.

Poke around social media for adult adoptee accounts to get a better idea of the lifelong issues some adoptees faces. You can be wonderful, loving, caring and perfect and still your child could end up resenting the fact they are adopted. So just know that going in.

It's much better to have some connection with the birth family. (I say this as an adoptive parent btw)

Don't adopt a bi-racial child because they won't really be Black. Agencies often say this and it's easy to get caught up and believe it. They will really be viewed by society as Black.

Lastly, it's ok to decide that you don't want to adopt. It isn't a cure for infertility and some people simply can't truly accept adoption over a biological child or one they birth.

If you can carry a child, you could consider other methods - egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption. These might be a better fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Closed adoption doesn't mean the child won't need to know they are adopted and it won't shield them from being adopted or feeling different.

Most international adoptions are considered closed but not really as you can hire someone in country to find the birth parents.

Domestic adoption - if you are offered a closed adoption scenario which is very rare these days I would think long and hard about it and assume there is some issue with one or both of the birth parents.

If you want to adopt an infant or young toddler, than international adoption is not for you.

Poke around social media for adult adoptee accounts to get a better idea of the lifelong issues some adoptees faces. You can be wonderful, loving, caring and perfect and still your child could end up resenting the fact they are adopted. So just know that going in.

It's much better to have some connection with the birth family. (I say this as an adoptive parent btw)

Don't adopt a bi-racial child because they won't really be Black. Agencies often say this and it's easy to get caught up and believe it. They will really be viewed by society as Black.

Lastly, it's ok to decide that you don't want to adopt. It isn't a cure for infertility and some people simply can't truly accept adoption over a biological child or one they birth.

If you can carry a child, you could consider other methods - egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption. These might be a better fit.

This is just not true for all adoptees. I hate blanketed statements like this. Two people can have the exact same adoption history and have completely different reactions to it. Adoption is nuanced and all your statements are very black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Closed adoption doesn't mean the child won't need to know they are adopted and it won't shield them from being adopted or feeling different.

Most international adoptions are considered closed but not really as you can hire someone in country to find the birth parents.

Domestic adoption - if you are offered a closed adoption scenario which is very rare these days I would think long and hard about it and assume there is some issue with one or both of the birth parents.

If you want to adopt an infant or young toddler, than international adoption is not for you.

Poke around social media for adult adoptee accounts to get a better idea of the lifelong issues some adoptees faces. You can be wonderful, loving, caring and perfect and still your child could end up resenting the fact they are adopted. So just know that going in.

It's much better to have some connection with the birth family. (I say this as an adoptive parent btw)

Don't adopt a bi-racial child because they won't really be Black. Agencies often say this and it's easy to get caught up and believe it. They will really be viewed by society as Black.

Lastly, it's ok to decide that you don't want to adopt. It isn't a cure for infertility and some people simply can't truly accept adoption over a biological child or one they birth.

If you can carry a child, you could consider other methods - egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption. These might be a better fit.

This is just not true for all adoptees. I hate blanketed statements like this. Two people can have the exact same adoption history and have completely different reactions to it. Adoption is nuanced and all your statements are very black and white.

This. Please don’t listen to all that.

No regrets. It was a long, hard and difficult process. But, so worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With home genetic tests and 23 & me there is basically no such thing as a "closed" adoption anymore.

You know that only people with resources can afford these, right? If your point is that an adopted child may have an easier time finding bio relatives because of genetic testing, that is likely to be true for some. But I doubt it will help my kids and others like them at all given that they came from impoverished backgrounds in Eastern Europe and Asia. It is very likely mine could go to the grave never knowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a gay (f) couple and adopted DD at 30 days domestically thru adoptions together. We are white she is AA. Cost was partially based on income, at the time our income was $140k and we paid just over 20k. We got some of that back thru our taxes and my wife’s employer. DD is 9 now and thriving. We celebrate her birthday and her adoption day. Adoptions Together hands transracial support group that met monthly prior to the pandemic and now meets on zoom. We made a couple of friends thru this group with girls the same age and we see them about once a month for a hike or something outdoors. While the girls all enjoy each other now I think their friendship will be invaluable in the teen years and hope they can all help each other if need be with birth family issues they may go thru as teens.

Was it hard for you to find an agency to work with as a gay couple? I assume international is not an option? Also gay and thinking about adoption.

PP here. I wanted to do International but there was no country that would adopt to a gay couple. Some countries would adopt to a single woman ( Haiti) but we would have had to lie….Domestic though we had no problems whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if OP is the one saying closed adoption only or if that’s a DP. I am the PP with the adopted now 9yo. Our adoption is open, for us that means we know bio moms first name, names of siblings, medical history. We also have a photo we have given DD. We send 5 photos of DD a year and a quick letter to bio mom thru a web portal. We have no idea if she looks at them. We have not had contact and bio family is not in our lives. However, if DD wants that at some point I want to be able to give it to her. Part of me hopes she never does, but she might. As an adoptive parent you need to be ok with them wanting to know where they came from. Do your research before deciding on closed only.

[Anonymous]

I was a PP above. I want to add an anecdotal observation that I think there are real benefits to doing a sibling adoption because it seems to have given mine a biological "stability" that I think has been lacking in the situations of friends who either had one adopted child or several adopted, but biologically unrelated, children. Sibling adoptions carry their own issues---as all are older-child adoption scenarios---but I think it was a big positive for us. We also have an "open" adoption in the sense that we and our kids know where the biological family is. Even though we have no legal obligation, I send an annual letter update, which the bio family seems happy to have. The kids know I do it, and in some way it seems that my doing that gives them some security and relief---they know there's a door there if they want to go through it, but only when and if they decide to, and my keeping the door available takes the burden off them to go looking.

I know that current foster/social work paradigms endorse open adoptions but I think what we do is all that an adoptive parent should have to do. This trend in social work towards family reunification (in foster care)/open adoption just isn't in the long term best interests of the child when the biological families have serious on-going pathologies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a gay (f) couple and adopted DD at 30 days domestically thru adoptions together. We are white she is AA. Cost was partially based on income, at the time our income was $140k and we paid just over 20k. We got some of that back thru our taxes and my wife’s employer. DD is 9 now and thriving. We celebrate her birthday and her adoption day. Adoptions Together hands transracial support group that met monthly prior to the pandemic and now meets on zoom. We made a couple of friends thru this group with girls the same age and we see them about once a month for a hike or something outdoors. While the girls all enjoy each other now I think their friendship will be invaluable in the teen years and hope they can all help each other if need be with birth family issues they may go thru as teens.

Was it hard for you to find an agency to work with as a gay couple? I assume international is not an option? Also gay and thinking about adoption.

PP here. I wanted to do International but there was no country that would adopt to a gay couple. Some countries would adopt to a single woman ( Haiti) but we would have had to lie….Domestic though we had no problems whatsoever.

I knew a gay man in law school who had adopted 2 children internationally with his husband. I went to school in NY, and didn't know him well enough to know the details (he was one of my professors, so there was a boundary to what I could ask him, we were not close), but I know the children were adopted from South America somewhere - I do not remember the country.

[Anonymous]

I am not an adoptive parent, but my siblings were adopted (I am a "surprise" baby after my parents struggled with infertility for years).

My siblings were adopted internationally as infants, and while I know they struggled with some aspects of being adopted as children/teens they are very close to my parents now, as adults in their 30s. My younger sibling (I'm the middle kid) was adopted as a "special needs" infant because they were born very premature in a then developing country and it wasn't known what needs my sibling would have later in life - my sibling is perfectly fine as an adult although there were a few minor issues during childhood related to prematurity.

My older sibling now lives in the country they were born in, and married a local. They are still very close to me, our younger sibling and my parents despite living on the other side of the world.

Both adoptions are "closed" and one sibling has looked for their bio-family and been unsuccessful. I don't know about the other sibling. I do know someone we all went to school with who was adopted from the same country - they not only were able to find their bio-family but are now incredibly close to them and visit their first country frequently (or did, before COVID).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Closed adoption doesn't mean the child won't need to know they are adopted and it won't shield them from being adopted or feeling different.

Most international adoptions are considered closed but not really as you can hire someone in country to find the birth parents.

Domestic adoption - if you are offered a closed adoption scenario which is very rare these days I would think long and hard about it and assume there is some issue with one or both of the birth parents.

If you want to adopt an infant or young toddler, than international adoption is not for you.

Poke around social media for adult adoptee accounts to get a better idea of the lifelong issues some adoptees faces. You can be wonderful, loving, caring and perfect and still your child could end up resenting the fact they are adopted. So just know that going in.

It's much better to have some connection with the birth family. (I say this as an adoptive parent btw)

Don't adopt a bi-racial child because they won't really be Black. Agencies often say this and it's easy to get caught up and believe it. They will really be viewed by society as Black.

Lastly, it's ok to decide that you don't want to adopt. It isn't a cure for infertility and some people simply can't truly accept adoption over a biological child or one they birth.

If you can carry a child, you could consider other methods - egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption. These might be a better fit.

This is just not true for all adoptees. I hate blanketed statements like this. Two people can have the exact same adoption history and have completely different reactions to it. Adoption is nuanced and all your statements are very black and white.

This. Please don’t listen to all that.

No regrets. It was a long, hard and difficult process. But, so worth it.

Yes but you are the adoptive parents.

Years from now when your kids are teens and young adults, they will get to have their own ideas and feelings about adoption. It's just so hard when the kids are young to think they or you will ever see adoption as anything but wonderful and rosy.

Nothing I wrote is black and white except that adoption isn't a cure for infertility.

It's just the kind of things that adoptive parents don't want to think about especially when their kids are young. Instead of getting upset and defensive, just accept that like the PP said every person's experience being adopted is different and your child might not have the same feelings about adoption as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Closed adoption doesn't mean the child won't need to know they are adopted and it won't shield them from being adopted or feeling different.

Most international adoptions are considered closed but not really as you can hire someone in country to find the birth parents.

Domestic adoption - if you are offered a closed adoption scenario which is very rare these days I would think long and hard about it and assume there is some issue with one or both of the birth parents.

If you want to adopt an infant or young toddler, than international adoption is not for you.

Poke around social media for adult adoptee accounts to get a better idea of the lifelong issues some adoptees faces. You can be wonderful, loving, caring and perfect and still your child could end up resenting the fact they are adopted. So just know that going in.

It's much better to have some connection with the birth family. (I say this as an adoptive parent btw)

Don't adopt a bi-racial child because they won't really be Black. Agencies often say this and it's easy to get caught up and believe it. They will really be viewed by society as Black.

Lastly, it's ok to decide that you don't want to adopt. It isn't a cure for infertility and some people simply can't truly accept adoption over a biological child or one they birth.

If you can carry a child, you could consider other methods - egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption. These might be a better fit.

This is just not true for all adoptees. I hate blanketed statements like this. Two people can have the exact same adoption history and have completely different reactions to it. Adoption is nuanced and all your statements are very black and white.

This. Please don’t listen to all that.

No regrets. It was a long, hard and difficult process. But, so worth it.

Yes but you are the adoptive parents.

Years from now when your kids are teens and young adults, they will get to have their own ideas and feelings about adoption. It's just so hard when the kids are young to think they or you will ever see adoption as anything but wonderful and rosy.

Nothing I wrote is black and white except that adoption isn't a cure for infertility.

It's just the kind of things that adoptive parents don't want to think about especially when their kids are young. Instead of getting upset and defensive, just accept that like the PP said every person's experience being adopted is different and your child might not have the same feelings about adoption as you do.

Likewise, every adoptive parent's perspective may be different - which is I think is what OP is looking for. There are adoptive parents who say it was worth it and others who don't. Those who have small children will have a different perspective than those whose child is in their later teen years/young adulthood.

Sometimes at that older stage, the young adults choose to strengthen bonds with their biological family perhaps at the exclusion of adoptive parents. This may be part of the natural process and is certainly understandable but for many adoptive parents it can honeslty be a heartbreaking time.

[Anonymous]

We adopted a family member from a relative. He was born in an attempt by his birth mother to save her marriage. It didn't work.

We worked with a family law lawyer and I am very happy with the outcome. He's actually my favorite of all my children. He went through a phase of wanting to confront his mother and being very angry at both his parents and there was a screaming match with his bio father, and then he was mostly fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

It took us way way longer to adopt internationally then to have our own. It is a very involved process in order to protect children. You also need to protect yourselves as there are some unscrupulous adoption agencies.

1. Check that the adoption agency you use is accredited and has many good reviews.

2. Think carefully about what kind of adoption you want: domestic or international, closed or open, baby/ infant or older, gender, same race or different race, neuro typical or special needs. Be realistic about how much complexity and challenge you and your family can deal with.

3. Prepare for a laborious process - home surveys by social workers, criminal back ground checks, drug and alcohol addiction clearances, health checks, financial credit history checks, reference letters etc.

4. Check out CASE (Center for Adoption Support and Education). They are MD based and have many resources and support services. Www.adoption support.org

5. Be prepared for need for counseling, learning supports, therapy etc as many adopted children have abandonment issues and hidden LDs or mental illness that become apparent later. This true of biological children as well.

6. I highly recommend as long as you have a big heart, can deal with complex dynamics and have resources for extra care and support if needed.


Best wishes on your adoption journey OP.
🙂

+1

We have had successful closed adoption. I have several friends who have had negative experiences with open adoptions.

I am skeptical of the advice that all adoptions should be open.