Tell me about adoption

[Anonymous]

My older half sister is adopted and she adopted 3 children due to infertility. When she was adopted (1960s) it was a closed adoption through catholic charities. A few years ago she did dna testing and checked the box “do you want to know if we find any family matches for you”, and she was connected to her birth father. She was able to meet her birth parents, two full biological brothers and extended family. She maintained that her adoptive family is her family, but I know it was a little hard for my dad, who was in his 90s when this happened. Her adoptive mom had already died several years before. My mom dad‘a second wife) and my sister have had many conversations about it.
For my sister the biggest missing piece in her life was medical history. She struggled to have children and didn’t know if there was a genetic link to her frequent miscarriages. She struggled with substance abuse.
Of her 3 kids, the oldest was an open adoption and ended up being a very sad case with lots of abuse and mental health problems. The younger two were adopted internationally.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for donor egg if you can make that work. The numbers are so against you in adoption. So many families so few kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

[Anonymous]

My daughter came into our family through international adoption. It was the BEST decision I ever made. She is now a happy and healthy adult. I am super proud of her. I can't imagine my life without the joy she has brought. Most of those joys are the same that any child brings any parent.

I do know children that have had issues, though of course, most such children are not adopted.

Love cannot be made risk free.

[Anonymous]

I remember reading that if you are trying to minimize the risk of health problems with your adopted child (including mental health problems), consider why the child is available. In Eastern Europe, they were often taken from parents due to abuse or addiction. That of course would increase the odds of the child having subsequent problems.

In Korea, babies were available because of the social stigma attached to having a child out of wedlock. In China, babies used to be available due to the strict "one child policy." Those type of reasons are less likely to be associated with medical issues for the child down the road.

[Anonymous]

I consider private adoptions (brokered by attorneys) to be MUCH more susceptible to ethical problems and coercion than adoptions brokered by licensed US agencies. This is particularly true when the birth mothers in question are from poor countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Closed adoption doesn't mean the child won't need to know they are adopted and it won't shield them from being adopted or feeling different.

Most international adoptions are considered closed but not really as you can hire someone in country to find the birth parents.

Domestic adoption - if you are offered a closed adoption scenario which is very rare these days I would think long and hard about it and assume there is some issue with one or both of the birth parents.

If you want to adopt an infant or young toddler, than international adoption is not for you.

Poke around social media for adult adoptee accounts to get a better idea of the lifelong issues some adoptees faces. You can be wonderful, loving, caring and perfect and still your child could end up resenting the fact they are adopted. So just know that going in.

It's much better to have some connection with the birth family. (I say this as an adoptive parent btw)

Don't adopt a bi-racial child because they won't really be Black. Agencies often say this and it's easy to get caught up and believe it. They will really be viewed by society as Black.

Lastly, it's ok to decide that you don't want to adopt. It isn't a cure for infertility and some people simply can't truly accept adoption over a biological child or one they birth.

If you can carry a child, you could consider other methods - egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption. These might be a better fit.

It is a "cure" for being a childless couple. Isn't that the "problem" that most people want to use their fertility for?

I have never understood people who would rather have NO child, than a child with different DNA inside their cells. But if you have that issue, then please do not adopt.

(PS-I know MANY families who have kids through both adoption AND birth. NONE of them feel less love or connection to the children who were adopted. That is a myth that parents who only have biological children project. But it is not how it works)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I consider private adoptions (brokered by attorneys) to be MUCH more susceptible to ethical problems and coercion than adoptions brokered by licensed US agencies. This is particularly true when the birth mothers in question are from poor countries.

+1. This is really something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the poster who said this is a terrible place to get info. My daughter is adopted internationally and we read this column. We just keep shaking our heads.

[Anonymous]

To the folks who truly think a bio child is *better* than an adopted child: please please, no not ever adopt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

Trust me, that is far from the worst in open adoption. The unthinkable happened to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I consider private adoptions (brokered by attorneys) to be MUCH more susceptible to ethical problems and coercion than adoptions brokered by licensed US agencies. This is particularly true when the birth mothers in question are from poor countries.

+1. This is really something to consider.

No, both agencies and attorneys (and facilitators) all have unethical practices, some just more than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Closed adoption doesn't mean the child won't need to know they are adopted and it won't shield them from being adopted or feeling different.

Most international adoptions are considered closed but not really as you can hire someone in country to find the birth parents.

Domestic adoption - if you are offered a closed adoption scenario which is very rare these days I would think long and hard about it and assume there is some issue with one or both of the birth parents.

If you want to adopt an infant or young toddler, than international adoption is not for you.

Poke around social media for adult adoptee accounts to get a better idea of the lifelong issues some adoptees faces. You can be wonderful, loving, caring and perfect and still your child could end up resenting the fact they are adopted. So just know that going in.

It's much better to have some connection with the birth family. (I say this as an adoptive parent btw)

Don't adopt a bi-racial child because they won't really be Black. Agencies often say this and it's easy to get caught up and believe it. They will really be viewed by society as Black.

Lastly, it's ok to decide that you don't want to adopt. It isn't a cure for infertility and some people simply can't truly accept adoption over a biological child or one they birth.

If you can carry a child, you could consider other methods - egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption. These might be a better fit.

This is just not true for all adoptees. I hate blanketed statements like this. Two people can have the exact same adoption history and have completely different reactions to it. Adoption is nuanced and all your statements are very black and white.

This. Please don’t listen to all that.

No regrets. It was a long, hard and difficult process. But, so worth it.

Yes but you are the adoptive parents.

Years from now when your kids are teens and young adults, they will get to have their own ideas and feelings about adoption. It's just so hard when the kids are young to think they or you will ever see adoption as anything but wonderful and rosy.

Nothing I wrote is black and white except that adoption isn't a cure for infertility.

It's just the kind of things that adoptive parents don't want to think about especially when their kids are young. Instead of getting upset and defensive, just accept that like the PP said every person's experience being adopted is different and your child might not have the same feelings about adoption as you do.

Every biological parent's experience is also unique. You are obviously biased against adoption.

I would put more weight on parents who have actually raised children through adoption. Not onlookers who are judging it from the outside.

[Anonymous]

My sister is adopted (Korea). My husband is adopted (domestic). Our 2 children are adopted (China). Agree with PP that if anyone thinks adopted children are 2nd-best or a "consolation prize", get out of the adoption arena. My sister, my husband, and my kids are the best there are out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

Totally closed adoption is not considered best for the child. Not sure how hard it would be to find an agency that allows it.

The child is likely to have questions down the line, and it is best if they have a road to getting them answered.

Some birth parents opt for little contact.

The worst is when it could be open, but birth parents just fade away (of their own choosing). Because then they knew the child and rejected them.

Trust me, that is far from the worst in open adoption. The unthinkable happened to us.

IMO our family member's open adoption situation is a ticking time bomb. Bio family was welcomed to be involved from birth and they blew that door wide open with extreme involvement. They've made it publicly clear over and over that this is THEIR family's child. It's almost as if the adoptive parents are nothing more than caregivers.