Tell me about adoption

[Anonymous]

I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision.

[Anonymous]

My sister and her husband adopted 3 children. The first through an open adoption domestically and the second and third from Korea. The first has been a huge challenge from the start and they are now sadly estranged from their son who had significant mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

I have a son adopted 22 years ago as a ten month old infant. We have had high highs and low lows, but I can’t imagine life without him. Adoption does present some unique challenges, but no kid comes with a guarantee - estrangement and mental illness (as referenced above) happen with biological as well as adopted kids.

[Anonymous]

I have three adopted kids. The process is a lot of work, expensive and an emotional roller coaster. I love my kids and am glad I did it. But there are challenges. Two of mine have FASD and one has a lot of mental health issues, some related to adoption and abandonment.

While no kid comes with guarantees, adoption does have unique issues. Abandonment, reactive attachment disorder, FASD, and some other things are issues you may face. While bio kids can have FASD, it’s 100% in the birth mothers control so you can avoid it in a bio kid by electing not to drink during pregnancy. You don’t have that control with adoption.

Knowing everything I know now, I would do it again and I can’t imagine life without my three. But we’ve definitely had challenges that my friends and family who have bio kids neither experienced nor understand.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP.

It took us way way longer to adopt internationally then to have our own. It is a very involved process in order to protect children. You also need to protect yourselves as there are some unscrupulous adoption agencies.

1. Check that the adoption agency you use is accredited and has many good reviews.

2. Think carefully about what kind of adoption you want: domestic or international, closed or open, baby/ infant or older, gender, same race or different race, neuro typical or special needs. Be realistic about how much complexity and challenge you and your family can deal with.

3. Prepare for a laborious process - home surveys by social workers, criminal back ground checks, drug and alcohol addiction clearances, health checks, financial credit history checks, reference letters etc.

4. Check out CASE (Center for Adoption Support and Education). They are MD based and have many resources and support services. Www.adoption support.org

5. Be prepared for need for counseling, learning supports, therapy etc as many adopted children have abandonment issues and hidden LDs or mental illness that become apparent later. This true of biological children as well.

6. I highly recommend as long as you have a big heart, can deal with complex dynamics and have resources for extra care and support if needed.


Best wishes on your adoption journey OP.
🙂

[Anonymous]

I was adopted at birth, I am currently 34 years old. My parent are simply amazing. I have always known I was adopted but it has never defined me or my relationship with my parents/family. It is simply a way I joined the family, not who I am.

That being said, of course there are challenges, especially when I was younger, of feeling different. But through my parents support and their willingness to talk to me about the issues and get me the support I needed, they were all resolved.

[Anonymous]

We are a gay (f) couple and adopted DD at 30 days domestically thru adoptions together. We are white she is AA. Cost was partially based on income, at the time our income was $140k and we paid just over 20k. We got some of that back thru our taxes and my wife’s employer. DD is 9 now and thriving. We celebrate her birthday and her adoption day. Adoptions Together hands transracial support group that met monthly prior to the pandemic and now meets on zoom. We made a couple of friends thru this group with girls the same age and we see them about once a month for a hike or something outdoors. While the girls all enjoy each other now I think their friendship will be invaluable in the teen years and hope they can all help each other if need be with birth family issues they may go thru as teens.

[Anonymous]

Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a gay (f) couple and adopted DD at 30 days domestically thru adoptions together. We are white she is AA. Cost was partially based on income, at the time our income was $140k and we paid just over 20k. We got some of that back thru our taxes and my wife’s employer. DD is 9 now and thriving. We celebrate her birthday and her adoption day. Adoptions Together hands transracial support group that met monthly prior to the pandemic and now meets on zoom. We made a couple of friends thru this group with girls the same age and we see them about once a month for a hike or something outdoors. While the girls all enjoy each other now I think their friendship will be invaluable in the teen years and hope they can all help each other if need be with birth family issues they may go thru as teens.

Was it hard for you to find an agency to work with as a gay couple? I assume international is not an option? Also gay and thinking about adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of research about (domestic) open adoptions. Realize the life-long implications of having the birth parent(s) and their extended families involved in your child's life, and if that is something you are willing to take on.

We only want to do closed adoption.

Is it only possibly trough international adoption?

34 year old adoptee from above. I was a closed adoption but also a private adoption. My parents did not use an agency but used an adoption attorney. Granted, this was in the 80s.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is adopted — private, international — who always knew she wanted to adopt herself (didn’t want to be pregnant and doesn’t like babies). She preferred to go with an open adoption through foster care with an older child. Her own experience and all the research suggests that open adoptions are much healthier for adoptees and I know not having the option to find her birth family has been difficult for her even though she loves her adoptive parents very much. She fostered two siblings and has since adopted one of them. I think she’s an excellent parent and adores her daughter but I do know it was harder than she expected. She currently lives with her husband and her parents and says having four adults to one child feels like the right ratio to her. So y’know. Definitely can be a challenge. As with any parenting journey having help (family or paid) can be helpful.

[Anonymous]

I have three adopted kids. The process is a lot of work, expensive and an emotional roller coaster. I love my kids and am glad I did it. But there are challenges. Two of mine have FASD and one has a lot of mental health issues, some related to adoption and abandonment.

While no kid comes with guarantees, adoption does have unique issues. Abandonment, reactive attachment disorder, FASD, and some other things are issues you may face. While bio kids can have FASD, it’s 100% in the birth mothers control so you can avoid it in a bio kid by electing not to drink during pregnancy. You don’t have that control with adoption.

Knowing everything I know now, I would do it again and I can’t imagine life without my three. But we’ve definitely had challenges that my friends and family who have bio kids neither experienced nor understand.

Another parent of several children via adoption. Agree with everything this poster said. If you are looking to adopt because of infertility, and find the prospect of the issues above daunting, you may wish to look into pregnancy via donor eggs. Yes---there are no guarantees with respect to bio kids, but there is just simply a much higher rate of issues in the adoption realm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is adopted — private, international — who always knew she wanted to adopt herself (didn’t want to be pregnant and doesn’t like babies). She preferred to go with an open adoption through foster care with an older child. Her own experience and all the research suggests that open adoptions are much healthier for adoptees and I know not having the option to find her birth family has been difficult for her even though she loves her adoptive parents very much. She fostered two siblings and has since adopted one of them. I think she’s an excellent parent and adores her daughter but I do know it was harder than she expected. She currently lives with her husband and her parents and says having four adults to one child feels like the right ratio to her. So y’know. Definitely can be a challenge. As with any parenting journey having help (family or paid) can be helpful.

If you have sources for this please post links! Open adoptions are relatively new and I'd be interested to see longitudinal studies especially those that include input from now young-adult adoptees. Also any statistics on the relevance of how open adoption was. (Was it just knowledge of who birth family is, occasional contact with birth family via photo/visits/phone, or full-on immersion with birth family throughout their lives.) Interesting to know how the level of openness affects outcomes for entire family including adoptive parents, not solely adoptees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is adopted — private, international — who always knew she wanted to adopt herself (didn’t want to be pregnant and doesn’t like babies). She preferred to go with an open adoption through foster care with an older child. Her own experience and all the research suggests that open adoptions are much healthier for adoptees and I know not having the option to find her birth family has been difficult for her even though she loves her adoptive parents very much. She fostered two siblings and has since adopted one of them. I think she’s an excellent parent and adores her daughter but I do know it was harder than she expected. She currently lives with her husband and her parents and says having four adults to one child feels like the right ratio to her. So y’know. Definitely can be a challenge. As with any parenting journey having help (family or paid) can be helpful.

If you have sources for this please post links! Open adoptions are relatively new and I'd be interested to see longitudinal studies especially those that include input from now young-adult adoptees. Also any statistics on the relevance of how open adoption was. (Was it just knowledge of who birth family is, occasional contact with birth family via photo/visits/phone, or full-on immersion with birth family throughout their lives.) Interesting to know how the level of openness affects outcomes for entire family including adoptive parents, not solely adoptees.

NP here. I haven’t done extensive research on this but here is a starting point.
https://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/10-things-that-scientific-research-says-about-open-adoption/