Unhealed Betrayed Wives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wonder what Op thinks about talking about the holocaust or racism…

Op here. I'm black. Again, because it seems that many of you here read to respond, and not to comprehend, I was betrayed by my ex-husband, but guess what, me coming to this forum raging against every cheater and OW doesn't change what happened in my life so I don't get the point of anyone doing that.

Of course you are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

Exactly. OP is not a "healed wife"

OP here. You are correct, I'm a healed EX-wife. The point is to make a choice, get some healing and move on.

You aren't that either. People can post about their cheating spouses how many times they want in whatever way you want. If you don't like it skip the thread.

[Anonymous]

If there is one gift I wish I could give people, it is the understanding that everyone's experience is unique.

When you see someone in pain, who is doing things that you believe (or may even know) don't heal or might make it worse, it's so, so easy to say "why won't they just do what I did and then they could heal and move on." It's so easy! And if you struggled to move on, you will feel even stronger about it because it's like, yes, I know it's hard but I did it so you can too. So many people feel this way. It's really common among people with shared traumas.

But the truth is, you do not know or understand what the other person is going through. Even if you think you've been through the same thing. You don't know. Maybe their brain works different than yours. Maybe their childhood was different. Maybe this is the sixth time this has happened to them and it only happened to you once. Maybe they are over it 4 days out of 5 and you saw them on the 5th day, at their worst. Maybe they've been good for a year but they just found out their ex is marrying the person they cheated with. Maybe their dad cheated on their mom. Maybe the cheater was also an emotional abuser and they are still recovering from that trauma. Maybe they are a sexual assault survivor and the cheating simply re-triggered that trauma and that's what they are actually upset about. Maybe they have addiction issues and it's getting in the way of moving forward. Maybe their ex had addiction issues and they are still deep in the role of enabler and it's inhibiting their ability to move on.

And so on and so on. Everyone's situation is unique. Everyone comes to a certain experience with different baggage or emotional skills. People have varying levels of support from their families and communities. You just don't know. What worked for you might not work for them.

If something someone says bothers you or doesn't sit write with you, you can always just step away. Especially on a place like DCUM. You are not required to read any of these posts. The healthy thing to do (and I know it can be hard at times) is to just log off.

But raging against how other people feel will always be a fool's errand. You cannot change their feelings, you cannot alter the way they are processing their lived experience. If you are gentle and kind, you might offer insight that could help them, but it's up to them whether to use it and how (and it might just not be something that can reach them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

Exactly. OP is not a "healed wife"

OP here. You are correct, I'm a healed EX-wife. The point is to make a choice, get some healing and move on.

You aren't that either. People can post about their cheating spouses how many times they want in whatever way you want. If you don't like it skip the thread.

Never said they couldn't. In fact, what I originally said was, "Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness."

I definitely AM that.

It's just difficult for a lot of you to believe that a woman can be betrayed, divorce and then move on and have a healthy state-of-mind which is so freakin odd to me. It's ok if you or anyone you know that has dealt with a marital affair isn't there yet. From the comments I've read, I'm assuming healing and moving forward doesn't happen for everyone, but that is by choice. It is a choice to stay stuck on that painful affair and be bitter about it. I choose not to live that way. I have a life of my own to live and a child to raise. My ex-husband moved on to live a life of his own so what should a woman in this situation do?? Stop living?!?! Be angry all the time?? Jump on every thread and every time a woman says she's an OP or a man says he cheated in his marriage I just go full on attack?? Every single one of us has choices in life. Some stranger on an anonymous board calling you names is NOT going to change your mind about what you feel is right.

I'm going to choose happiness in my life every time and name calling strangers on an anon forum would never heal any of the hurt I endured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

Exactly. OP is not a "healed wife"

OP here. You are correct, I'm a healed EX-wife. The point is to make a choice, get some healing and move on.

You aren't that either. People can post about their cheating spouses how many times they want in whatever way you want. If you don't like it skip the thread.

Never said they couldn't. In fact, what I originally said was, "Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness."

I definitely AM that.

It's just difficult for a lot of you to believe that a woman can be betrayed, divorce and then move on and have a healthy state-of-mind which is so freakin odd to me. It's ok if you or anyone you know that has dealt with a marital affair isn't there yet. From the comments I've read, I'm assuming healing and moving forward doesn't happen for everyone, but that is by choice. It is a choice to stay stuck on that painful affair and be bitter about it. I choose not to live that way. I have a life of my own to live and a child to raise. My ex-husband moved on to live a life of his own so what should a woman in this situation do?? Stop living?!?! Be angry all the time?? Jump on every thread and every time a woman says she's an OP or a man says he cheated in his marriage I just go full on attack?? Every single one of us has choices in life. Some stranger on an anonymous board calling you names is NOT going to change your mind about what you feel is right.

I'm going to choose happiness in my life every time and name calling strangers on an anon forum would never heal any of the hurt I endured.

I think it's not your place to tell other women what they can and can not post about, especially with a condescending and misogynistic attitude and presentation.

You are in no way healed, but you are incredibly self-righteous.

IF you don't like a thread skip it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don’t get therapy because they don’t see that they are part of the problem in their own misery, and often feel like being a victim gets them some kind of social leverage.

I understand that being cheated on can be a very traumatic event to some people, but the choice to not heal and move on to real happiness is what baffles me.

This. But it's probably just a handful of women with too much time on their hands. They just show up in every thread because the whole world must know.

I find it odd to blame the victims. How about the nasty cheaters bragging about what crappy people they are.[b]

To be fair we are all here.....

The woman recently bragging about blowing her AP in a parking garage over a hundred times. OMG. These cheaters are insane and disgusting. Who brags about that? I'm sure everyone calls her D@@ck breath behind her back, you know, like the security guys watching it on their camera and the co-workers that watch her get in and out of the car. Gross.

That was just an incel posting as a woman. Women don't do that, there's nothing to gain from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

Exactly. OP is not a "healed wife"

OP here. You are correct, I'm a healed EX-wife. The point is to make a choice, get some healing and move on.

You aren't that either. People can post about their cheating spouses how many times they want in whatever way you want. If you don't like it skip the thread.

Never said they couldn't. In fact, what I originally said was, "Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness."

I definitely AM that.

It's just difficult for a lot of you to believe that a woman can be betrayed, divorce and then move on and have a healthy state-of-mind which is so freakin odd to me. It's ok if you or anyone you know that has dealt with a marital affair isn't there yet. From the comments I've read, I'm assuming healing and moving forward doesn't happen for everyone, but that is by choice. It is a choice to stay stuck on that painful affair and be bitter about it. I choose not to live that way. I have a life of my own to live and a child to raise. My ex-husband moved on to live a life of his own so what should a woman in this situation do?? Stop living?!?! Be angry all the time?? Jump on every thread and every time a woman says she's an OP or a man says he cheated in his marriage I just go full on attack?? Every single one of us has choices in life. Some stranger on an anonymous board calling you names is NOT going to change your mind about what you feel is right.

I'm going to choose happiness in my life every time and name calling strangers on an anon forum would never heal any of the hurt I endured.

I think it's not your place to tell other women what they can and can not post about, especially with a condescending and misogynistic attitude and presentation.

[b]You are in no way healed, but you are incredibly self-righteous.[/b]

IF you don't like a thread skip it.

My guess is you're one of the ones posting these bitter comments all of the time. Let it go, boo. There's joy on the other side if you let it happen.

[Anonymous]

I know plenty of people that move on and their ex's hound them constantly. Take them to court. Lie to the children. On and on. Scary stuff. It's like the marriage from hell that never ends.

I'm with the previous poster that said, why do you care? If you have something positive to say just say it positively? I don't think your negativity will help anyone and what do any of us know of another person's situation?

I used to think divorce was manageable for both parties till I started hearing the horror stories of divorce and dating via the internet. Some of it is downright scary and very emotionally and physically abusive.

[Anonymous]

One friend had to go back to court five times. The courts have gotten more lenient. Maybe that is part of the issue. Plus just people went crazy during covid. Addiction is rampant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

Exactly. OP is not a "healed wife"

OP here. You are correct, I'm a healed EX-wife. The point is to make a choice, get some healing and move on.

You aren't that either. People can post about their cheating spouses how many times they want in whatever way you want. If you don't like it skip the thread.

Never said they couldn't. In fact, what I originally said was, "Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness."

I definitely AM that.

It's just difficult for a lot of you to believe that a woman can be betrayed, divorce and then move on and have a healthy state-of-mind which is so freakin odd to me. It's ok if you or anyone you know that has dealt with a marital affair isn't there yet. From the comments I've read, I'm assuming healing and moving forward doesn't happen for everyone, but that is by choice. It is a choice to stay stuck on that painful affair and be bitter about it. I choose not to live that way. I have a life of my own to live and a child to raise. My ex-husband moved on to live a life of his own so what should a woman in this situation do?? Stop living?!?! Be angry all the time?? Jump on every thread and every time a woman says she's an OP or a man says he cheated in his marriage I just go full on attack?? Every single one of us has choices in life. Some stranger on an anonymous board calling you names is NOT going to change your mind about what you feel is right.

I'm going to choose happiness in my life every time and name calling strangers on an anon forum would never heal any of the hurt I endured.

I think it's not your place to tell other women what they can and can not post about, especially with a condescending and misogynistic attitude and presentation.

[b]You are in no way healed, but you are incredibly self-righteous.[/b]

IF you don't like a thread skip it.

My guess is you're one of the ones posting these bitter comments all of the time. Let it go, boo. There's joy on the other side if you let it happen.

you would be wrong I haven't been cheated on at all. I however greatly take offense to misogyny and incels attacks disguised as helpful advice.

If you actually cared about these women and wanted them to know life could be better your entire post and approach would have been different.

You are nothing more than a misogynistic and racist troll.

[Anonymous]

First of all, this is an anonymous forum. If you can’t be honest here, where can you be? Just as you posit there are many “unhealthy betrayed wives,” be cognizant that you’re only aware of this because of the many threads written about infidelity, whether real, imagined, or rhetorical. Obviously it’s a part of life.

I divorced someone due PARTIALLY for cheating, but I can actually - gasp - imagine staying with an unfaithful spouse if things were otherwise good. I do not think the narratives are so black and white as some suggest. But I do offer stories about my experience because posters who’ve been cheated on/think they’ve been cheated on may feel isolated, or as though there’s no one in their actual life they can talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

Exactly. OP is not a "healed wife"

OP here. You are correct, I'm a healed EX-wife. The point is to make a choice, get some healing and move on.

You aren't that either. People can post about their cheating spouses how many times they want in whatever way you want. If you don't like it skip the thread.

Never said they couldn't. In fact, what I originally said was, "Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness."

I definitely AM that.

It's just difficult for a lot of you to believe that a woman can be betrayed, divorce and then move on and have a healthy state-of-mind which is so freakin odd to me. It's ok if you or anyone you know that has dealt with a marital affair isn't there yet. From the comments I've read, I'm assuming healing and moving forward doesn't happen for everyone, but that is by choice. It is a choice to stay stuck on that painful affair and be bitter about it. I choose not to live that way. I have a life of my own to live and a child to raise. My ex-husband moved on to live a life of his own so what should a woman in this situation do?? Stop living?!?! Be angry all the time?? Jump on every thread and every time a woman says she's an OP or a man says he cheated in his marriage I just go full on attack?? Every single one of us has choices in life. Some stranger on an anonymous board calling you names is NOT going to change your mind about what you feel is right.

I'm going to choose happiness in my life every time and name calling strangers on an anon forum would never heal any of the hurt I endured.

I think it's not your place to tell other women what they can and can not post about, especially with a condescending and misogynistic attitude and presentation.

[b]You are in no way healed, but you are incredibly self-righteous.[/b]

IF you don't like a thread skip it.

My guess is you're one of the ones posting these bitter comments all of the time. Let it go, boo. There's joy on the other side if you let it happen.

you would be wrong I haven't been cheated on at all. I however greatly take offense to misogyny and incels attacks disguised as helpful advice.

If you actually cared about these women and wanted them to know life could be better your entire post and approach would have been different.

You are nothing more than a misogynistic and racist troll.

OP here. Incel?! How did you gather that from anything that I've said?? Or do you even know what an incel is. My guess is no, you don't. You just toss out ignorant comments because you don't have anything intelligent to add here. I care about women enough to tell them that HEALING IS POSSIBLE AFTER A BETRAYAL IF YOU JUST WOULD LET IT GO AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE and stop posting angry comments to every cheater and AP here!!! But I guess you didn't get that part. I've said it more than once in this here thread.

I am a woman so your "misogynist" claim is baseless, inaccurate and just...DUMB. I'm saying that therapy and healing are both possible after a betrayal and that posting nasty comments won't lead to healing. You're are an absolute imbecile and clearly haven't read or understood a thing I've said in this entire post.

Again, I am a black woman. Should I point to you every reason why it's impossible for a black woman or person period to be racist because clearly you are ignorant in that area. By definition a racist: prejudiced against or antagonistic toward a person or people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized. I am marginalized in our society so it is literally IMPOSSIBLE for a black woman to be racist.

I don't even know why I'm taking the time to explain any of this to you. You clearly don't get it, and never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this is an anonymous forum. If you can’t be honest here, where can you be? Just as you posit there are many “unhealthy betrayed wives,” be cognizant that you’re only aware of this because of the many threads written about infidelity, whether real, imagined, or rhetorical. Obviously it’s a part of life.

I divorced someone due PARTIALLY for cheating, but I can actually - gasp - imagine staying with an unfaithful spouse if things were otherwise good. I do not think the narratives are so black and white as some suggest. But I do offer stories about my experience because posters who’ve been cheated on/think they’ve been cheated on may feel isolated, or as though there’s no one in their actual life they can talk to.

OP here. For the last time, I never said that people hear should not talk about their pain and experiences with betrayal. My post was about women who go on attack in damn near every post about affairs and attack cheaters and APs. My thoughts were that people who do that are constantly projecting their own feelings about being betrayed and showing just how much they haven't healed their own hurt. I asked in my original post if they had sought therapy to heal or if they were using this site to attack people as their healing.

My goodness, does anyone read anything here?!>!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason some people take longer to heal from something like a cheating spouse is that people gave different starting points. Many people are still carrying trauma from their childhoods or from past relationships. For a person like this, being cheated on is not an isolated event they can just move on from. It’s part of a series of traumas and betrayals by loved ones. Often people in this position hit a rock bottom because if the cheating, they feel so worthless and unloved that their only connection to self-love us the anger they feel. Because it’s proof that somewhere inside them, something believes they deserve more and better.

- never been cheated on, but very familiar with how compounding trauma works and how long it can take to recover (years, it can take years).

Perhaps were naive as to the nature of man
Marriage doesn't mean you own the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

Exactly. OP is not a "healed wife"

OP here. You are correct, I'm a healed EX-wife. The point is to make a choice, get some healing and move on.

You aren't that either. People can post about their cheating spouses how many times they want in whatever way you want. If you don't like it skip the thread.

Never said they couldn't. In fact, what I originally said was, "Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness."

I definitely AM that.

It's just difficult for a lot of you to believe that a woman can be betrayed, divorce and then move on and have a healthy state-of-mind which is so freakin odd to me. It's ok if you or anyone you know that has dealt with a marital affair isn't there yet. From the comments I've read, I'm assuming healing and moving forward doesn't happen for everyone, but that is by choice. It is a choice to stay stuck on that painful affair and be bitter about it. I choose not to live that way. I have a life of my own to live and a child to raise. My ex-husband moved on to live a life of his own so what should a woman in this situation do?? Stop living?!?! Be angry all the time?? Jump on every thread and every time a woman says she's an OP or a man says he cheated in his marriage I just go full on attack?? Every single one of us has choices in life. Some stranger on an anonymous board calling you names is NOT going to change your mind about what you feel is right.

I'm going to choose happiness in my life every time and name calling strangers on an anon forum would never heal any of the hurt I endured.

I think it's not your place to tell other women what they can and can not post about, especially with a condescending and misogynistic attitude and presentation.

[b]You are in no way healed, but you are incredibly self-righteous.[/b]

IF you don't like a thread skip it.

My guess is you're one of the ones posting these bitter comments all of the time. Let it go, boo. There's joy on the other side if you let it happen.

you would be wrong I haven't been cheated on at all. I however greatly take offense to misogyny and incels attacks disguised as helpful advice.

If you actually cared about these women and wanted them to know life could be better your entire post and approach would have been different.

You are nothing more than a misogynistic and racist troll.

You sound insane, and I’m not the OP. Get a grip.