Unhealed Betrayed Wives

[Anonymous]

There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

[Anonymous]

I think its all fake.

[Anonymous]

They don’t get therapy because they don’t see that they are part of the problem in their own misery, and often feel like being a victim gets them some kind of social leverage.

I understand that being cheated on can be a very traumatic event to some people, but the choice to not heal and move on to real happiness is what baffles me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t get therapy because they don’t see that they are part of the problem in their own misery, and often feel like being a victim gets them some kind of social leverage.

I understand that being cheated on can be a very traumatic event to some people, but the choice to not heal and move on to real happiness is what baffles me.

Agreed. It's a theme here, and it not just calling out -- it's stewing yourself in these bitter juices. What's the old phrase? It's like holding a hot coal tight in your hand and expecting it to burn someone else.

It's also weirdly self-indulgent, like public masturbation. Again, the public and vindictive joy, not just calling out bad behavior, but the lascivious indulgence in spitting it out over every thread.

Never cheated on anyone, by the way, but my first husband cheated on me. His weakness, his loss, his problem. I refuse to take it with me.

[Anonymous]

So many cheaters on this forum. I see so many on both sides; the gloating, shameless cheaters as well as the betrayed spouses.

In general, people seek out forums like this when pain is new and raw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t get therapy because they don’t see that they are part of the problem in their own misery, and often feel like being a victim gets them some kind of social leverage.

I understand that being cheated on can be a very traumatic event to some people, but the choice to not heal and move on to real happiness is what baffles me.

This. But it's probably just a handful of women with too much time on their hands. They just show up in every thread because the whole world must know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

[Anonymous]

Remember that they might be at a different point in the process than you are. I bet you were not fully healed the day after you found out your husband cheated for the second time. They might get there to by the time they have more separation from the initial hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

Exactly. OP is not a "healed wife"

[Anonymous]

What you say about people who name it doesn't change it. It's still the same dysfunction.

It's understandable if you are a month out. It's your problem if you are two years out. And, unfortunately, it's other people's problem if you are obsessively posting about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

I’ll half bit on this one, but in a different way.

I’d say many cheated upon men would fall into the same category of needing to move on.

The interesting thing, kind of to your point, is that most of these These scorned women and men blame the women in relationship - the OW or the wayward wife, for the cheating, and then generalize forever that women are wh*res in some capacity.

Men aren’t here wondering how to beat blow up the OM’s life. They want the realists against their wife.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a refusal to see that either they played a role in the demise of their marriage. Or that they have some control over getting cheated on again. You see it on those posts about how all cheaters have mental illness and unresolved childhood abuse or some other pathology. If they can just steer clear of those men, they will have fidelity in their next relationship.

It's easier to believe that than accept monogamy is hard, people have cheated since the dawn of time (even mentally stable people!) and you really have no control over how well someone controls very natural and powerful urges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I can tell this thread is a bash women thread so we should ignore

+1. I don’t know why women are the ones bashing other women. There are so many cheating men on here that it’s just calling out their bad behavior. All of these men support each other and so it’s interesting that you think supporting women who have been cheated on is not the right approach.

[Anonymous]

I’m not one of these wives but I assume they do all the things you’ve suggested in real life and an anonymous outlet gives them momentary freedom to be honest with the uglier side of their feelings.

[Anonymous]

The reason some people take longer to heal from something like a cheating spouse is that people gave different starting points. Many people are still carrying trauma from their childhoods or from past relationships. For a person like this, being cheated on is not an isolated event they can just move on from. It’s part of a series of traumas and betrayals by loved ones. Often people in this position hit a rock bottom because if the cheating, they feel so worthless and unloved that their only connection to self-love us the anger they feel. Because it’s proof that somewhere inside them, something believes they deserve more and better.

- never been cheated on, but very familiar with how compounding trauma works and how long it can take to recover (years, it can take years).