Unhealed Betrayed Wives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not one of these wives but I assume they do all the things you’ve suggested in real life and an anonymous outlet gives them momentary freedom to be honest with the uglier side of their feelings.

Bingo. They can say everything they can’t say IRL. It’s an incredibly isolating and lonely thing to go through because to protect the kids and family they don’t share what happened with anyone. They suffer in incredible silence. With other tragedy or death, you have a village come supper you, check on you and it’s accepted that you are down, sad, can’t work well. With betrayal you are pretending every single day with a big smile on your face for your kids, neighbors, family while you are dying inside.

It’s a horribly unique trauma.

[Anonymous]

Please report, people. It's a troll.


I've been on DCUM for close to 15 years now, and there's been a recent uptick in such posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not one of these wives but I assume they do all the things you’ve suggested in real life and an anonymous outlet gives them momentary freedom to be honest with the uglier side of their feelings.

Bingo. They can say everything they can’t say IRL. It’s an incredibly isolating and lonely thing to go through because to protect the kids and family they don’t share what happened with anyone. They suffer in incredible silence. With other tragedy or death, you have a village come supper you, check on you and it’s accepted that you are down, sad, can’t work well. With betrayal you are pretending every single day with a big smile on your face for your kids, neighbors, family while you are dying inside.

It’s a horribly unique trauma.

+1 and they feel shame and judged. Everyone always blames them for not having done something in the marriage which is why they were cheated on. They don’t do that to men when they’re wives are the cheaters like they do to women. It’s awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not one of these wives but I assume they do all the things you’ve suggested in real life and an anonymous outlet gives them momentary freedom to be honest with the uglier side of their feelings.

Bingo. They can say everything they can’t say IRL. It’s an incredibly isolating and lonely thing to go through because to protect the kids and family they don’t share what happened with anyone. They suffer in incredible silence. With other tragedy or death, you have a village come supper you, check on you and it’s accepted that you are down, sad, can’t work well. With betrayal you are pretending every single day with a big smile on your face for your kids, neighbors, family while you are dying inside.

It’s a horribly unique trauma.

+1 and they feel shame and judged. Everyone always blames them for not having done something in the marriage which is why they were cheated on. They don’t do that to men when they’re wives are the cheaters like they do to women. It’s awful.

Well, yeah, look at what people (women!) say about them even on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don’t get therapy because they don’t see that they are part of the problem in their own misery, and often feel like being a victim gets them some kind of social leverage.

I understand that being cheated on can be a very traumatic event to some people, but the choice to not heal and move on to real happiness is what baffles me.

Agreed. It's a theme here, and it not just calling out -- it's stewing yourself in these bitter juices. What's the old phrase? It's like holding a hot coal tight in your hand and expecting it to burn someone else.

It's also weirdly self-indulgent, like public masturbation. Again, the public and vindictive joy, not just calling out bad behavior, but the lascivious indulgence in spitting it out over every thread.

Never cheated on anyone, by the way, but my first husband cheated on me. His weakness, his loss, his problem. I refuse to take it with me.

I call it suffering p*rn. My MIL and SIL love it, they get a high from people feeling bad for them, all that attention and drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

I'm glad for you if you are in a healthy place. For some people, the destruction of ones marriage has life long negative implications, and also for one's children. It's not easy to just shrug off the trauma when you still have to live it, for example, raising the cheater's children for about 20 years.

And I say that as someone who has forgiven my dad and step mom for cheating and wrecking our family, and who is friendly with my cheating, gaslighting ex, to the point where we do extended family vacations together.

But there are some wounds that take decades to heal. Decades.

[Anonymous]

I would say some people are going through the process you went through to heal, they just aren't there yet. They may be in the anger stage and that is completely normal.

Its nice to have compassion in life and realise that not everyone else is having a great day like you are. Its ok if they are sad, hurt or angry. Its probably still raw for them.

Just because you are over and done with it doesn't mean everyone else is. Imagine you told a friend you were getting a divorce because he cheated and they simply told you to get over it. I imagine its healthier to go through that rage stage, no point keeping it held inside.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah OP it sounds like you are super well-adjusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say some people are going through the process you went through to heal, they just aren't there yet. They may be in the anger stage and that is completely normal.

Its nice to have compassion in life and realise that not everyone else is having a great day like you are. Its ok if they are sad, hurt or angry. Its probably still raw for them.

Just because you are over and done with it doesn't mean everyone else is. Imagine you told a friend you were getting a divorce because he cheated and they simply told you to get over it. I imagine its healthier to go through that rage stage, no point keeping it held inside.

ITA but after a while it's so unhealthy. My MIL is still not over it over 10 years later and frankly it is getting annoying for everyone, including her adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t get therapy because they don’t see that they are part of the problem in their own misery, and often feel like being a victim gets them some kind of social leverage.

I understand that being cheated on can be a very traumatic event to some people, but the choice to not heal and move on to real happiness is what baffles me.

Yes, some people LIKE being a victim.

[Anonymous]

It's the veil behind which they hide their misandry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a ton here. Ranting and raving about how awful cheaters are on every thread, name calling, immature snarkiness. My ex-husband had an affair, we separated, we reconciled, he did it again, we divorced. It was painful, it was ugly, but craps happens. Heal and get over it, and move on with your life. Giving non-useful advice isn't going to heal you. And all the AP/cheating husband name calling in the world isn't going stop them.

Do betrayed spouses get therapy, or is bleeding all over DCUM therapy for you?

Just wondering.

What’s your question?

People can still divorce, heal and tell their truths wherever or whenever they want.

Last month I had dinner with an old high school coach of mine who was in town. While catching up he had an earful to say about his divorce 20 years ago. Did I complain or fault him for merely saying his truth? No.

Grow up OP. Esp for an anonymous chat board where all you have to do is go read something else. Your post is asinine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don’t get therapy because they don’t see that they are part of the problem in their own misery, and often feel like being a victim gets them some kind of social leverage.

I understand that being cheated on can be a very traumatic event to some people, but the choice to not heal and move on to real happiness is what baffles me.

Yes, some people LIKE being a victim.

You heal but you don’t forget, you don’t forgive. Yes your forgive yourself and free yourself, but you don’t forgive an a-hole. You move on and if anyone asks you know what to call your Ex and what advice to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yeah OP it sounds like you are super well-adjusted.

This! Someone who is really healed and well adjusted would not make such a thread. I agree with pps that the op is a troll who created this thread just to bash women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh yeah OP it sounds like you are super well-adjusted.

This! Someone who is really healed and well adjusted would not make such a thread. I agree with pps that the op is a troll who created this thread just to bash women

+1 they did a poor nonsensical job of it as well.