Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women overthink the motivation for an affair when it comes to men, perhaps because some women have affairs for complicated reasons.

Men have affairs primarily for sex and often but not always - I am sure you were having great sex with your DH when he cheated - because his wife stopped having sex with him.

Sex is a basic need for almost all men. It's that simple. To classify seeking sex as a pathology would pathologize everyone.

this ^^^ poster gets it
+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.

Good lord, now I’ve seen everything - the white knight benevolent cheater. You are a good man, a clever man. Your wife, your kids and your AP(s) are so fortunate to have a thoughtful and kind man like you in their lives.

So to answer OP’s question: a common theme of cheaters seems to be delusional thinking and a desire to live in a fantasy land of one’s own creation rather than in the boring real world and being fully present for those in it.

LOL I was thinking the same thing. He can manage his wife/marriage/kids/work/AP all so perfectly. Isn’t he just perfect? /s

I’m thinking do these people have critical thinking skills or any emotional awareness? It’s either pure selfishness or he’s just truly clueless. Not sure which.

This is classic “entitled man” with a dash of narcissism and lots of compartmentalization. See how he’s superior, e.g., “not an amateur”? Other cheaters are bad people, not him.

I was married to someone that played the above exactly. He convinced himself he was doing nothing wrong because: he loved me and never said anything bad to me to anyone (including AP), didn’t do it on time that would have been spent with me or kids, wasn’t in love with AP, didn’t spend $ on her. Also, in his words “I picked someone I knew I would never fall in love with (due to looks, personality, intelligence, lack of ambition). It was insane. But, when it was discovered he was shattered and the compartments exploded. He finally saw how f—-d up he was and what he did and so filled with shame and embarrassment because it didn’t line up with the person he projected to be or inner values. He needed a lot, a lot of therapy. This guy sounds eerily similar. He’s in lala, fantasy world where he thinks if nobody finds out, nobody will get hurt, and it’s just some variety on the side, what’s the problem?

Scary. They can’t see how messed up what they are doing is.

You know, I always thought this was the case for most people until I got involved with someone (nevermind why for now) and he made hardly any effort to hide it. I was meticulous. He had an emotionally smart wife who asked him point blank if he was having an affair and he admitted it. However he didn’t crumble or stop. He said it was something he needed, he even went a little crazy and had us be in the same place at the same time with our spouses, had me in his house, met his young kids (not as a love interest obviously), really put me in his real life and showed me what was important to him. I don’t know what he told her, probably that he couldn’t stop and had to get it out of his system. She asked if he loved me and he said yes. But he wouldn’t leave her. He carried this on with both of us for several years. I was never discovered but eventually divorced. He on the other hand was able to return to his wife because he hadn’t left, didn’t stop parenting or providing and hadn’t lied to her. In reality he did lie to her about being in touch with me afterwards but she never knew that. So basically my life was wrecked and his continued, as is so often the case for women.

[Anonymous]

Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

[Anonymous]

I know 5 couples I know who had marriages end due to infidelity. The only commonality between them is that in all five cases, the unfaithful spouse was the wife.

[Anonymous]

The DH's were either: a) lousy in bed; b) poor communicators; c) didn't do enough housework or help with the kids. Those are the reasons DCUM tells us women cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn sounds like the common theme among your friends is they don’t know how birth control works. Maybe give them some condoms?

Agree. What is it with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They all have mental heath isdues

Good friend - bipolar
BIL. - PTSD
roommate from college - serious daddy issues
Coworker - sex molested by brother
Neighbor - alcoholic
H’s coworker - on the job he shot somebody started drinking and had affair

I could go on and on

He shot somebody? Wtf? Is he a police officer or in a line of work that is possible?

Is anyone going to address this???

Presumably a cop.

Cop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.

It never occurred to me that everyone would assume that I am a man. Very few men are motivated enough to do the intense emotional coordination that the conducting of a successful long-term affair requires. Another rule is to never pick as your AP a man who dislikes his wife. Affairs are for sex and passion; marriages are for maintaining family and social status. The self-aware cheater who does not seek love can thrive.

Good lord, now I’ve seen everything - the white knight benevolent cheater. You are a good man, a clever man. Your wife, your kids and your AP(s) are so fortunate to have a thoughtful and kind man like you in their lives.

So to answer OP’s question: a common theme of cheaters seems to be delusional thinking and a desire to live in a fantasy land of one’s own creation rather than in the boring real world and being fully present for those in it.

LOL I was thinking the same thing. He can manage his wife/marriage/kids/work/AP all so perfectly. Isn’t he just perfect? /s

I’m thinking do these people have critical thinking skills or any emotional awareness? It’s either pure selfishness or he’s just truly clueless. Not sure which.

[Anonymous]

It never occurred to me that everyone would assume that I am a man. Very few men are motivated enough to do the intense emotional coordination that the conducting of a successful long-term affair requires. Another rule is to never pick as your AP a man who dislikes his wife. Affairs are for sex and passion; marriages are for maintaining family and social status. The self-aware cheater who does not seek love can thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most cheaters would cheat even if they were in a good marriage with a great spouse. I have seen it happen. There is something broken in some people that makes them cheat. I think some people need the chaos and risk factor vs. a stable marriage.

I wish there was a reliable way to vet people like this, but they tend to be really good liars. Their track record should be taken as a warning, yet some people think they can 'change' a cheater - pure delusion.

That broken thing comes from their background and what they experienced growing up. Experiencing Alcoholic parents, neglect, cheating, divorce and/or abandonment as a child.

None of the 3 people I know who had affairs fit this description. They were in bad marriages to begin with. And eventually they divorced and married their APs. Sometimes a marriage is a mistake...and in those cases, cheating and divorce often occur.

[Anonymous]

You know, I always thought this was the case for most people until I got involved with someone (nevermind why for now) and he made hardly any effort to hide it. I was meticulous. He had an emotionally smart wife who asked him point blank if he was having an affair and he admitted it. However he didn’t crumble or stop. He said it was something he needed, he even went a little crazy and had us be in the same place at the same time with our spouses, had me in his house, met his young kids (not as a love interest obviously), really put me in his real life and showed me what was important to him. I don’t know what he told her, probably that he couldn’t stop and had to get it out of his system. She asked if he loved me and he said yes. But he wouldn’t leave her. He carried this on with both of us for several years. I was never discovered but eventually divorced. He on the other hand was able to return to his wife because he hadn’t left, didn’t stop parenting or providing and hadn’t lied to her. In reality he did lie to her about being in touch with me afterwards but she never knew that. So basically my life was wrecked and his continued, as is so often the case for women.

You write as if he has all the control here over your actions and decisions. You have/had agency, and your willingness to go along with the horrible ways he flaunted his affair with you says a lot about you, not just him. You were both incredibly cruel and it sounds like you need therapy to learn how to own what you did and why it’s not ok.

[Anonymous]

By about the 20th year of marriage many people are ready for something fresh, new, exciting, though most won’t admit this. Sadly, we allow society to dictate the paths of our relationships, we are afraid to branch out and cultivate a new romantic relationship. We don’t want to be ostracized and shunned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

[Anonymous]

It never occurred to me that everyone would assume that I am a man. Very few men are motivated enough to do the intense emotional coordination that the conducting of a successful long-term affair requires. Another rule is to never pick as your AP a man who dislikes his wife. Affairs are for sex and passion; marriages are for maintaining family and social status. The self-aware cheater who does not seek love can thrive.

You sound pathological. Healthy adults have marriages for sex, passion AND maintaining family. Do your spouse a favor and divorce because no one deserves to be victim to your screwed up world view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most cheaters would cheat even if they were in a good marriage with a great spouse. I have seen it happen. There is something broken in some people that makes them cheat. I think some people need the chaos and risk factor vs. a stable marriage.

I wish there was a reliable way to vet people like this, but they tend to be really good liars. Their track record should be taken as a warning, yet some people think they can 'change' a cheater - pure delusion.

That broken thing comes from their background and what they experienced growing up. Experiencing Alcoholic parents, neglect, cheating, divorce and/or abandonment as a child.

None of the 3 people I know who had affairs fit this description. They were in bad marriages to begin with. And eventually they divorced and married their APs. Sometimes a marriage is a mistake...and in those cases, cheating and divorce often occur.

Cheating is for people who like the marriage enough to stay. It basically indicates that there is something you like about the marriage and there's some need that you have that you aren't willing to admit. Cheating is by nature deceptive.