Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People I know who have had affairs:

My dad - I know nothing about it until WAY after it happened. (Still married to my mom)
My mom - revenge affair (again, knew nothing about it until WAY after it happened) (She is still married to my dad)
Me - angry, lonely, messed up (I'm still married to my husband)
My AP - wasn't having sex with his wife (He is still married to his wife)
Male friend - ended up divorcing wife and marrying AP, and they are still married (This all happened way before I knew them)

Yep, and that's all the affairs I knew about. So, in my eyes affairs result in long marriages.

Very common in the moneyed classes centuries ago. It is a fairy tale that most people want to live monogamously ever after. Having sex outside the marriage does not mean you do not love your spouse and value the family. Every spouse does not demand physical faithfulness. I knew a gay man who remained happily married for decades. He cared for his wife very well. Does his having had sex with men neutralize the wonderful things he did for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most cheaters would cheat even if they were in a good marriage with a great spouse. I have seen it happen. There is something broken in some people that makes them cheat. I think some people need the chaos and risk factor vs. a stable marriage.

I wish there was a reliable way to vet people like this, but they tend to be really good liars. Their track record should be taken as a warning, yet some people think they can 'change' a cheater - pure delusion.

That broken thing comes from their background and what they experienced growing up. Experiencing Alcoholic parents, neglect, cheating, divorce and/or abandonment as a child.

Neither I nor my AP had any of those things. What we had were unfulfilling marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The common theme for me from what I have seen is they are attractive and women flock to them. For women, they are unhappy in their marriage

Bingo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen plenty of cheating situations that have none of the qualities you mentioned.

In all the cases I’ve seen, there were undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People I know who have had affairs:

My dad - I know nothing about it until WAY after it happened. (Still married to my mom)
My mom - revenge affair (again, knew nothing about it until WAY after it happened) (She is still married to my dad)
Me - angry, lonely, messed up (I'm still married to my husband)
My AP - wasn't having sex with his wife (He is still married to his wife)
Male friend - ended up divorcing wife and marrying AP, and they are still married (This all happened way before I knew them)

Yep, and that's all the affairs I knew about. So, in my eyes affairs result in long marriages.

Very common in the moneyed classes centuries ago. It is a fairy tale that most people want to live monogamously ever after. Having sex outside the marriage does not mean you do not love your spouse and value the family. Every spouse does not demand physical faithfulness. I knew a gay man who remained happily married for decades. He cared for his wife very well. Does his having had sex with men neutralize the wonderful things he did for her?

No, of course not. But they are friends, not in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Common traits -- deceptive, secretive, and dishonest

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.

Good lord, now I’ve seen everything - the white knight benevolent cheater. You are a good man, a clever man. Your wife, your kids and your AP(s) are so fortunate to have a thoughtful and kind man like you in their lives.

So to answer OP’s question: a common theme of cheaters seems to be delusional thinking and a desire to live in a fantasy land of one’s own creation rather than in the boring real world and being fully present for those in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen plenty of cheating situations that have none of the qualities you mentioned.

In all the cases I’ve seen, there were undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues.

This

Um...unless the majority f the world has mental illness. LOTS of people have an affair at one time or another. I don't know if it is majority, but pretty close. And this is not new. No, it isn't a "mental illness" why people cheat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen plenty of cheating situations that have none of the qualities you mentioned.

In all the cases I’ve seen, there were undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues.

This

Um...unless the majority f the world has mental illness. LOTS of people have an affair at one time or another. I don't know if it is majority, but pretty close. And this is not new. No, it isn't a "mental illness" why people cheat

It may surprise you to know that at any given time one in ten people could be considered mentally ill. Even mentally ill people are not ill all the time. It comes and goes. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.

Good lord, now I’ve seen everything - the white knight benevolent cheater. You are a good man, a clever man. Your wife, your kids and your AP(s) are so fortunate to have a thoughtful and kind man like you in their lives.

So to answer OP’s question: a common theme of cheaters seems to be delusional thinking and a desire to live in a fantasy land of one’s own creation rather than in the boring real world and being fully present for those in it.

FFS why go to all this trouble and risk for someone you don’t even love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People I know who have had affairs:

My dad - I know nothing about it until WAY after it happened. (Still married to my mom)
My mom - revenge affair (again, knew nothing about it until WAY after it happened) (She is still married to my dad)
Me - angry, lonely, messed up (I'm still married to my husband)
My AP - wasn't having sex with his wife (He is still married to his wife)
Male friend - ended up divorcing wife and marrying AP, and they are still married (This all happened way before I knew them)

Yep, and that's all the affairs I knew about. So, in my eyes affairs result in long marriages.

Very common in the moneyed classes centuries ago. It is a fairy tale that most people want to live monogamously ever after. Having sex outside the marriage does not mean you do not love your spouse and value the family. Every spouse does not demand physical faithfulness. I knew a gay man who remained happily married for decades. He cared for his wife very well. Does his having had sex with men neutralize the wonderful things he did for her?

HA!!! VERY Common in the white trash/Jerry Springer, multiple baby momma world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.

Good lord, now I’ve seen everything - the white knight benevolent cheater. You are a good man, a clever man. Your wife, your kids and your AP(s) are so fortunate to have a thoughtful and kind man like you in their lives.

So to answer OP’s question: a common theme of cheaters seems to be delusional thinking and a desire to live in a fantasy land of one’s own creation rather than in the boring real world and being fully present for those in it.

LOL I was thinking the same thing. He can manage his wife/marriage/kids/work/AP all so perfectly. Isn’t he just perfect? /s

I’m thinking do these people have critical thinking skills or any emotional awareness? It’s either pure selfishness or he’s just truly clueless. Not sure which.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^thats because lies and betrayal ruin marriages, and discovery of non-monogamous sex. That guy will see how much hurt, destruction and devastation his “marriage friendly” affair causes sooner or later. None of them think they will get caught abs live in this fantasy where nobody gets hurt.

Yep. Lies and betrayal aren’t good things for a marriage. How does one know for sure that they won’t get caught? Is there a fool prod way to ascertain that?

[Anonymous]

For married men who cheat, the common theme (by far) is insufficient sex at home due to an uninterested wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.

Good lord, now I’ve seen everything - the white knight benevolent cheater. You are a good man, a clever man. Your wife, your kids and your AP(s) are so fortunate to have a thoughtful and kind man like you in their lives.

So to answer OP’s question: a common theme of cheaters seems to be delusional thinking and a desire to live in a fantasy land of one’s own creation rather than in the boring real world and being fully present for those in it.

LOL I was thinking the same thing. He can manage his wife/marriage/kids/work/AP all so perfectly. Isn’t he just perfect? /s

I’m thinking do these people have critical thinking skills or any emotional awareness? It’s either pure selfishness or he’s just truly clueless. Not sure which.

This is classic “entitled man” with a dash of narcissism and lots of compartmentalization. See how he’s superior, e.g., “not an amateur”? Other cheaters are bad people, not him.

I was married to someone that played the above exactly. He convinced himself he was doing nothing wrong because: he loved me and never said anything bad to me to anyone (including AP), didn’t do it on time that would have been spent with me or kids, wasn’t in love with AP, didn’t spend $ on her. Also, in his words “I picked someone I knew I would never fall in love with (due to looks, personality, intelligence, lack of ambition). It was insane. But, when it was discovered he was shattered and the compartments exploded. He finally saw how f—-d up he was and what he did and so filled with shame and embarrassment because it didn’t line up with the person he projected to be or inner values. He needed a lot, a lot of therapy. This guy sounds eerily similar. He’s in lala, fantasy world where he thinks if nobody finds out, nobody will get hurt, and it’s just some variety on the side, what’s the problem?

Scary. They can’t see how messed up what they are doing is.