Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Common theme here is how incredibly screwed the APs are. Can you imagine being the solo parent of two kids by an AP who leaves you? Nothing worse foe the kids than to see their only parent in that position.

Yes they clearly have issues too, but I'm most interested in the cheating spouse. It's also insane to have random kids everywhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are no common themes. Three people I know who cheated all ended up married to their AP in way more successful marriages than their first. All of these marriages are going on 12 years plus now. (Two are 20+ years)

This I really do find fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They all have mental heath isdues

Good friend - bipolar
BIL. - PTSD
roommate from college - serious daddy issues
Coworker - sex molested by brother
Neighbor - alcoholic
H’s coworker - on the job he shot somebody started drinking and had affair

I could go on and on

He shot somebody? Wtf? Is he a police officer or in a line of work that is possible?

Is anyone going to address this???

[Anonymous]

Common theme: cheaters were selfish and narcissistic. The women almost always had a large fabricated happy marriage/banner mom/so charitable on social media. So far from reality. The men were all middle aged, entitled, drank a lot socially, big careers.

I’m every instance, I was surprised because the cheater was not the more attractive one in the marriage. And when I saw the APs, the spouse was almost always significantly better looking, better educated, better body, etc.

I agree with another pp, that all of the women cheaters complained a lot about their husbands. Unhappy marriages, the entitled men did not.

[Anonymous]

I married at 24. I have 5 friends who all married between 24 and 27. We are in our mid-50s now. One of them is divorced and yes infidelity was involved, though I don't think there were mental health issues. We all know about the infidelity because my friend told us. I don't think any of us knew about it before she told us.

My 4 other friends and I are still married. One of my married friends' DHs had an affair 20 years ago. Here, too, I know only because my friend told me, and I don't think any of our mutual friends knows. There we're no mental health issues AFAIK. They separated briefly, then reconciled and went thru therapy and as far as I can tell have been happy since then. She has never mentioned any difficulties since, and DH and I are not otherwise aware of any problems. But since we weren't aware of major problems before he cheated 20 years ago, it's possible that they still have problems and we just don't know about it.

This is all to say that (1) plenty of people who marry young have long marriages without obvious cheating, (2) plenty of people who have affairs are in good mental health; and (3) you don't "just know" when people are cheating. In fact, IMO, just the opposite is true: You rarely know what is really going on in someone else's marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Common theme: cheaters were selfish and narcissistic. The women almost always had a large fabricated happy marriage/banner mom/so charitable on social media. So far from reality. The men were all middle aged, entitled, drank a lot socially, big careers.

I’m every instance, I was surprised because the cheater was not the more attractive one in the marriage. And when I saw the APs, the spouse was almost always significantly better looking, better educated, better body, etc.

I agree with another pp, that all of the women cheaters complained a lot about their husbands. Unhappy marriages, the entitled men did not.

This. For women it’s real, an exit strategy or a way out, a desperation move. For men it’s an entitlement, a luxury, a fantasy and the AP is expendable.

[Anonymous]

Are we talking short affairs or long term ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are we talking short affairs or long term ones?

Either or.

[Anonymous]

Either you know a TON of people, very intimately.

Or your circle has a particular bent.

Either way, posting about it doesn't necessarily make you look good, OP.

None of the people I know have had affairs... to my limited knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Dishonest

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Common theme: cheaters were selfish and narcissistic. The women almost always had a large fabricated happy marriage/banner mom/so charitable on social media. So far from reality. The men were all middle aged, entitled, drank a lot socially, big careers.

I’m every instance, I was surprised because the cheater was not the more attractive one in the marriage. And when I saw the APs, the spouse was almost always significantly better looking, better educated, better body, etc.

I agree with another pp, that all of the women cheaters complained a lot about their husbands. Unhappy marriages, the entitled men did not.

Recognition that some things are more important than looks.

[Anonymous]

The ones I personally know of were instances where several couples married very young. Several also grown children of divorced parents.

[Anonymous]

The patterns I have noticed are:

For men, they often were dorky or mediocre in high school, then had a glow-up, either physically or professionally, and can't resist exploring what is now available to them. It's an ego boost.

For women, they often aren't getting attention and romance from their partner and they crave feeling wanted. Actually that's similar to the men, but the men crave being wanted because it leads to sex. Women crave being wanted in and of itself.

A factor for both sexes is marrying young, and my theory is their spouse feels like a family member, a sibling, not someone they crave sexually. That can happen in any long term relationship, but especially ones where they get together young, because often you don't develop your sexual desires until you're well into your 30s and there's no guarantee your spouse would share your particular kinks, and you've been together so long that it would feel awkward to discuss your new desires openly. So cheating allows them to have a sexual world it'd be impossible to have with their spouse, all while keeping their comfortable family life intact.

[Anonymous]

You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.

Huh? Your AP doesn’t know who is getting “better gifts” or how you behave at home, and vice versa. Personally I don’t see the point of doing something as destructive as an affair unless you love the person, and if you do you tell them.