Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 5 couples I know who had marriages end due to infidelity. The only commonality between them is that in all five cases, the unfaithful spouse was the wife.

Correct because when it is the man he is forgiven and you don’t hear about it, usually.

[Anonymous]

The only couple I know where there was infidelity was a DH with emotional issues that turned into low sex drive/impotence. Almost their entire marriage of 10+ years was sexless, and very little other physical affection. About 7 years in she had sex a few times with a colleague.

Doesn't quite fit the gender narratives people have created here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It never occurred to me that everyone would assume that I am a man. Very few men are motivated enough to do the intense emotional coordination that the conducting of a successful long-term affair requires. Another rule is to never pick as your AP a man who dislikes his wife. Affairs are for sex and passion; marriages are for maintaining family and social status. The self-aware cheater who does not seek love can thrive.

You sound pathological. Healthy adults have marriages for sex, passion AND maintaining family. Do your spouse a favor and divorce because no one deserves to be victim to your screwed up world view.

A hopelessly modern perspective. Why is it that powerful and wealthy people of both sexes cheat more often? Is the love/sex/family marriage the only possible iteration of partnership?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only couple I know where there was infidelity was a DH with emotional issues that turned into low sex drive/impotence. Almost their entire marriage of 10+ years was sexless, and very little other physical affection. About 7 years in she had sex a few times with a colleague.

Doesn't quite fit the gender narratives people have created here.

I know someone like this too, but the DH ended up being gay. So maybe it was sexually related as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

The poster you are responding to is a type: everything must be black and white. There must be a right person and a wrong person. And people who do something hurtful must be bad or broken people. It is an extremely simplistic and immature view of the world, and you see it all the time on any thread discussing infidelity. There is no reasoning with those people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You know, I always thought this was the case for most people until I got involved with someone (nevermind why for now) and he made hardly any effort to hide it. I was meticulous. He had an emotionally smart wife who asked him point blank if he was having an affair and he admitted it. However he didn’t crumble or stop. He said it was something he needed, he even went a little crazy and had us be in the same place at the same time with our spouses, had me in his house, met his young kids (not as a love interest obviously), really put me in his real life and showed me what was important to him. I don’t know what he told her, probably that he couldn’t stop and had to get it out of his system. She asked if he loved me and he said yes. But he wouldn’t leave her. He carried this on with both of us for several years. I was never discovered but eventually divorced. He on the other hand was able to return to his wife because he hadn’t left, didn’t stop parenting or providing and hadn’t lied to her. In reality he did lie to her about being in touch with me afterwards but she never knew that. So basically my life was wrecked and his continued, as is so often the case for women.

You write as if he has all the control here over your actions and decisions. You have/had agency, and your willingness to go along with the horrible ways he flaunted his affair with you says a lot about you, not just him. You were both incredibly cruel and it sounds like you need therapy to learn how to own what you did and why it’s not ok.

+100

She is in the 'he's bad, she's not' mindset I see with so many women cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only couple I know where there was infidelity was a DH with emotional issues that turned into low sex drive/impotence. Almost their entire marriage of 10+ years was sexless, and very little other physical affection. About 7 years in she had sex a few times with a colleague.

Doesn't quite fit the gender narratives people have created here.

I know someone like this too, but the DH ended up being gay. So maybe it was sexually related as well.

Huh, I hadn't considered that actually. I don't get that from him but you never know. He actually had his own emotional affair (with a woman) right before covid so it's kind of a mess.

I feel badly for my friend, the DW, who now struggles with her own self-esteem issues from not feeling desired by her husband for over a decade. She feels lonely in groups of women who are predominantly talking about how their husbands can't get enough of them and the women have to beg off their sex initiations. If he is gay, I hope he can find a way to be true to himself and "release" her in a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

Are you kidding?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You know, I always thought this was the case for most people until I got involved with someone (nevermind why for now) and he made hardly any effort to hide it. I was meticulous. He had an emotionally smart wife who asked him point blank if he was having an affair and he admitted it. However he didn’t crumble or stop. He said it was something he needed, he even went a little crazy and had us be in the same place at the same time with our spouses, had me in his house, met his young kids (not as a love interest obviously), really put me in his real life and showed me what was important to him. I don’t know what he told her, probably that he couldn’t stop and had to get it out of his system. She asked if he loved me and he said yes. But he wouldn’t leave her. He carried this on with both of us for several years. I was never discovered but eventually divorced. He on the other hand was able to return to his wife because he hadn’t left, didn’t stop parenting or providing and hadn’t lied to her. In reality he did lie to her about being in touch with me afterwards but she never knew that. So basically my life was wrecked and his continued, as is so often the case for women.

You write as if he has all the control here over your actions and decisions. You have/had agency, and your willingness to go along with the horrible ways he flaunted his affair with you says a lot about you, not just him. You were both incredibly cruel and it sounds like you need therapy to learn how to own what you did and why it’s not ok.

+100

She is in the 'he's bad, she's not' mindset I see with so many women cheaters.

You are both missing the point. I could write plenty about my role and responsibility in it all. But the post above was specifically in response to a PP who wrote about choosing someone they didn’t love and hiding it all.

[Anonymous]

Friend was the AP to a very respected and admired work colleague. He was her mentor first and really helped her advance in her career (not by directly promoting her, rather by teaching her how to be better). They had a pretty long affair. I don’t know his psychology but she had zero guilt or remorse, zero thoughts about his wife, and major unresolved daddy and commitment issues. Her parents divorced when she was young after infidelity on both sides and an outside child by her father whom he did not acknowledge, she is selfish and unforgiving, is in lifelong love with her dad, and because of being in love with her dad cannot commit to anyone else for more than two years. She married and divorced a perfectly good and nice guy who was blindsided by all this as she is beautiful, and has a great job/education/finances/style. She was in touch with the AP until he died in his 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It never occurred to me that everyone would assume that I am a man. Very few men are motivated enough to do the intense emotional coordination that the conducting of a successful long-term affair requires. Another rule is to never pick as your AP a man who dislikes his wife. Affairs are for sex and passion; marriages are for maintaining family and social status. The self-aware cheater who does not seek love can thrive.

Well then that changes everything PP. Your machinations in the emotional realm, somewhat unique because you’re a female sociopath rather than a male one, are to be lauded. {{Hat tip}}

[Anonymous]

Narcissism
Selfishness
Misogyny

[Anonymous]

People cheat because they realize they are married to the wrong person. When they meet their soulmate it’s earth shattering, but because they have a family obligations and small children, they feel guilty and ashamed. They lose all logical thought and decision making. For me, as a woman, it’s something I am very ashamed of, I can’t fathom destroying something I have worked so hard for, my family. However, I have met someone where the chemistry is palpable, I have not acted on it yet, but I almost have a compulsion, a magnetic attraction to this person. It’s hard to ignore. I have never ever felt this way before in my life.