Reply to Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.[/quote]

Good lord, now I’ve seen everything - the white knight benevolent cheater.  You are a good man, a clever man. Your wife, your kids and your AP(s) are so fortunate to have a thoughtful and kind man like you in their lives.

So to answer OP’s question:  a common theme of cheaters seems to be delusional thinking and a desire to live in a fantasy land of one’s own creation rather than in the boring real world and being fully present for those in it.  [/quote]

LOL I was thinking the same thing. He can manage his wife/marriage/kids/work/AP all so perfectly.  Isn’t he just perfect? /s

I’m thinking do these people have critical thinking skills or any emotional awareness?  It’s either pure selfishness or he’s just truly clueless.  Not sure which.[/quote]

This is classic “entitled man” with a dash of narcissism and lots of compartmentalization.  See how he’s superior, e.g.,  “not an amateur”?  Other cheaters are bad people, not him.

I was married to someone that played the above exactly.  He convinced himself he was doing nothing wrong because: he loved me and never said anything bad to me to anyone (including AP), didn’t do it on time that would have been spent with me or kids, wasn’t in love with AP, didn’t spend $ on her.  Also, in his words “I picked someone I knew I would never fall in love with (due to looks, personality, intelligence, lack of ambition).  It was insane.  But, when it was discovered he was shattered and the compartments exploded.  He finally saw how f—-d up he was and what he did and so filled with shame and embarrassment because it didn’t line up with the person he projected to be or inner values.  He needed a lot, a lot of therapy.  This guy sounds eerily similar.  He’s in lala, fantasy world where he thinks if nobody finds out, nobody will get hurt, and it’s just some variety on the side, what’s the problem?

Scary. They can’t see how messed up what they are doing is.[/quote]

You know, I always thought this was the case for most people until I got involved with someone (nevermind why for now) and he made hardly any effort to hide it. I was meticulous. He had an emotionally smart wife who asked him point blank if he was having an affair and he admitted it. However he didn’t crumble or stop. He said it was something he needed, he even went a little crazy and had us be in the same place at the same time with our spouses, had me in his house, met his young kids (not as a love interest obviously), really put me in his real life and showed me what was important to him. I don’t know what he told her, probably that he couldn’t stop and had to get it out of his system. She asked if he loved me and he said yes. But he wouldn’t leave her. He carried this on with both of us for several years. I was never discovered but eventually divorced. He on the other hand was able to return to his wife because he hadn’t left, didn’t stop parenting or providing and hadn’t lied to her. In reality he did lie to her about being in touch with me afterwards but she never knew that. So basically my life was wrecked and his continued, as is so often the case for women.[/quote]

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