Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.

[Anonymous]

If you believe in that sort of thing. But I don’t think the rules of a bunch of desert dwelling nomads who didn’t have scientific understanding of the universe abs worshipped a golden cow and feared the war god of ancient Babylonia are truly applicable to today. What rules were given to us by the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you believe in that sort of thing. But I don’t think the rules of a bunch of desert dwelling nomads who didn’t have scientific understanding of the universe abs worshipped a golden cow and feared the war god of ancient Babylonia are truly applicable to today. What rules were given to us by the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

You need to brush up on your religious studies. Those were the rules they rejected, not the ones supplied on Sinai. You can take the Bible literally if you are want to and are simple minded. For those who care to think more deeply there is a lot of wisdom about human nature and how to live in there that is worth not rejecting out of hand just bc you live in the modern world. It’s not as if the modern world has solved the problems these rules were talking about, as this thread plainly shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

The poster you are responding to is a type: everything must be black and white. There must be a right person and a wrong person. And people who do something hurtful must be bad or broken people. It is an extremely simplistic and immature view of the world, and you see it all the time on any thread discussing infidelity. There is no reasoning with those people.

It's called dualistic thinking. It's very lazy.

I’m a NP. I think people who justify cheating are the lazy ones. They don’t want to do the hard work of doing the right thing. Cheating by definition is wrong. Otherwise it’s called open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

The poster you are responding to is a type: everything must be black and white. There must be a right person and a wrong person. And people who do something hurtful must be bad or broken people. It is an extremely simplistic and immature view of the world, and you see it all the time on any thread discussing infidelity. There is no reasoning with those people.

It's called dualistic thinking. It's very lazy.

I’m a NP. I think people who justify cheating are the lazy ones. They don’t want to do the hard work of doing the right thing. Cheating by definition is wrong. Otherwise it’s called open marriage.

I think some people are just more sexual than others, some are more attractive, they have many options and opportunities throughout their lives. Not that I condone cheating but who are we to tell someone how to live their life? If they can make it work for them, who am I to judge? The Ten Commandments are a good guideline but again, we seem to really hold those Puritan values close in the US. Sometimes there is a gray area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Common? All cheaters: No morals, no integrity and poor character. Dishonest, liars.

To cheat you have to be a liar first and foremost.

Yes! So true. It starts with bad character.

100%

Cheating=Liar

Without honesty you have no integrity. Your word means absolutely nothing.

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated on me. He grew up in an emotionally abusive home and with a passive father who never truly modeled masculine behavior to him. He doesn't truly know what is or is not masculine so he often takes the toxic route.

He also has low self esteem and wanted validation through women. He was not a popular guy growing up so in his thirties he thought he is suddenly desirable or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me. He grew up in an emotionally abusive home and with a passive father who never truly modeled masculine behavior to him. He doesn't truly know what is or is not masculine so he often takes the toxic route.

He also has low self esteem and wanted validation through women. He was not a popular guy growing up so in his thirties he thought he is suddenly desirable or something.

Mine too. Dad would leave the house basically abdicating his role for pleasure seeking. No wonder his son does the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

The poster you are responding to is a type: everything must be black and white. There must be a right person and a wrong person. And people who do something hurtful must be bad or broken people. It is an extremely simplistic and immature view of the world, and you see it all the time on any thread discussing infidelity. There is no reasoning with those people.

It's called dualistic thinking. It's very lazy.

No it's not. I was just working during the day. God forbid. I'll have to look up a list of reasons why infidelity is dangerous. I can think of several off the top of my head but wanted to respond more thoroughly. If you don't mind, I need to do other things after work and will get back to this question.

And I mean seriously. It's one of the commandments that has been around for centuries. Multiple thousands of years. But I know. You are the enlightened one. Those billions of people who lived didn't know what they were talking about. I know there is a lot of increased STD's since the birth control pill and since the dating apps but I wanted to be more thorough. and cover more areas.

There is no commandment about adultery. It is about "coveting thy neighbor's wife" -- i.e., his possession. But if that's your best argument, you can go back to and spare us the rest of your insights.

I think she’s referring to the unforgivable sins. Unrepentant adulterated is considered a path to eternal damnation biblically.

Where is that in the Bible? Curious about the source. Google is not being helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

The poster you are responding to is a type: everything must be black and white. There must be a right person and a wrong person. And people who do something hurtful must be bad or broken people. It is an extremely simplistic and immature view of the world, and you see it all the time on any thread discussing infidelity. There is no reasoning with those people.

It's called dualistic thinking. It's very lazy.

No it's not. I was just working during the day. God forbid. I'll have to look up a list of reasons why infidelity is dangerous. I can think of several off the top of my head but wanted to respond more thoroughly. If you don't mind, I need to do other things after work and will get back to this question.

And I mean seriously. It's one of the commandments that has been around for centuries. Multiple thousands of years. But I know. You are the enlightened one. Those billions of people who lived didn't know what they were talking about. I know there is a lot of increased STD's since the birth control pill and since the dating apps but I wanted to be more thorough. and cover more areas.

There is no commandment about adultery. It is about "coveting thy neighbor's wife" -- i.e., his possession. But if that's your best argument, you can go back to and spare us the rest of your insights.

I think she’s referring to the unforgivable sins. Unrepentant adulterated is considered a path to eternal damnation biblically.

Where is that in the Bible? Curious about the source. Google is not being helpful.

The Ten Commandments, thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

The poster you are responding to is a type: everything must be black and white. There must be a right person and a wrong person. And people who do something hurtful must be bad or broken people. It is an extremely simplistic and immature view of the world, and you see it all the time on any thread discussing infidelity. There is no reasoning with those people.

It's called dualistic thinking. It's very lazy.

No it's not. I was just working during the day. God forbid. I'll have to look up a list of reasons why infidelity is dangerous. I can think of several off the top of my head but wanted to respond more thoroughly. If you don't mind, I need to do other things after work and will get back to this question.

And I mean seriously. It's one of the commandments that has been around for centuries. Multiple thousands of years. But I know. You are the enlightened one. Those billions of people who lived didn't know what they were talking about. I know there is a lot of increased STD's since the birth control pill and since the dating apps but I wanted to be more thorough. and cover more areas.

There is no commandment about adultery. It is about "coveting thy neighbor's wife" -- i.e., his possession. But if that's your best argument, you can go back to and spare us the rest of your insights.

I think she’s referring to the unforgivable sins. Unrepentant adulterated is considered a path to eternal damnation biblically.

Where is that in the Bible? Curious about the source. Google is not being helpful.

Not very good at doing google searches?
https://www.openbible.info/topics/infidelity

[Anonymous]

And homosexuality

https://www.openbible.info/topics/homosexuality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair. It is b/c the cheaters are bad people? Narcissists? Good people doing bad things? Bored in their marriage? Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs." Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.

How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.

The poster you are responding to is a type: everything must be black and white. There must be a right person and a wrong person. And people who do something hurtful must be bad or broken people. It is an extremely simplistic and immature view of the world, and you see it all the time on any thread discussing infidelity. There is no reasoning with those people.

It's called dualistic thinking. It's very lazy.

No it's not. I was just working during the day. God forbid. I'll have to look up a list of reasons why infidelity is dangerous. I can think of several off the top of my head but wanted to respond more thoroughly. If you don't mind, I need to do other things after work and will get back to this question.

And I mean seriously. It's one of the commandments that has been around for centuries. Multiple thousands of years. But I know. You are the enlightened one. Those billions of people who lived didn't know what they were talking about. I know there is a lot of increased STD's since the birth control pill and since the dating apps but I wanted to be more thorough. and cover more areas.

There is no commandment about adultery. It is about "coveting thy neighbor's wife" -- i.e., his possession. But if that's your best argument, you can go back to and spare us the rest of your insights.

I think she’s referring to the unforgivable sins. Unrepentant adulterated is considered a path to eternal damnation biblically.

Where is that in the Bible? Curious about the source. Google is not being helpful.

Not very good at doing google searches?
https://www.openbible.info/topics/infidelity

The Ten Commandments are a good guideline, like the Golden Rule. However, maybe we should look at relationships, marriage in particular, differently. If individuals feel the urge to cheat, maybe monogamy is not realistic or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me. He grew up in an emotionally abusive home and with a passive father who never truly modeled masculine behavior to him. He doesn't truly know what is or is not masculine so he often takes the toxic route.

He also has low self esteem and wanted validation through women. He was not a popular guy growing up so in his thirties he thought he is suddenly desirable or something.

Mine too. Dad would leave the house basically abdicating his role for pleasure seeking. No wonder his son does the same.

So both you and PP were having regular sex (couple times/week) with your husbands prior to their cheating?

[Anonymous]

Of the two common themes from men who have cheated - they were either very handsome and charming. Or they were married to rude, controlling women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of the two common themes from men who have cheated - they were either very handsome and charming. Or they were married to rude, controlling women.

And what about the women cheaters?

I found them to be BDP, raging beatches at home or critical passive aggressive ones. All were looking for an exit.