Ghosted by friends after surgery

[Anonymous]

A friend who had knee surgery and was not mobile? Of course I'd be checking in to see if she needed anything!

[Anonymous]

Reach out to them OP. People excuse themselves by saying that you probably don’t want to be disturbed. So they don’t bother them they forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of my divorce. Radio silence. Sorry op.

Yep don’t care about your divorce either. It’s your choice and your private business.

I’m raising kids, working full time, taking care of a disabled spouse and aging parents. Your divorce doesn’t hit my radar.

LOL, yet you have the bandwidth to post on DCUM!

Sorry, OP. Not sure who these people are who can't take 30 seconds to send a "hey, hope surgery went smoothly" text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely sorry, and I wish you a full recovery. If you need anything, please reach out.

But, I’m sorry—which friend are you and which problem do you have, again?

Are you my coworker whose husband recently committed suicide, or are you my college friend whose teenage son was recently evaluated at the hospital because of suicidal ideation?

Are you my neighbor whose wife recently died of lung cancer, or are you my neighbor who just had a hip replacement?

Are you my aunt and uncle who just lost their jobs and are hastily selling their home and relocating, or are you my uncle who just got out of the hospital from COVID complications?

Are you my friend whose kid has a nasty stomach bug and at the same time has severe arthritis herself, or are you my friend whose father just died?

If all I did was check in on friends, family and neighbors who were going through stuff, it would be all I did all day. And by the way, I’m going through some stuff of my own.

Wow.

DP.

You should check in on family and close friends…otherwise, you aren’t really close friends.

I do check on them. It’s non-stop. If a few friends fall through the cracks, I’m genuinely sorry. Or maybe I’m more focused on family with severe problems rather than married friends recovering from orthopedic surgery. If you have a spouse, you’re not going to be on the top of my list. My colleague whose husband committed suicide lives near me, and I’m running errands for her and am watching her kids.

Well aren't you something - a cross between a non-empathetic sociopath and Mother Theresa. Your posting did nothing to help OP other than demonstrate that if any of her friends are like you, then she is best to drop them.

NP here, but I understand the pp's post. OP had knee surgery and will be fine. I was in a serious car accident and won't be ok again, plus dealing with husband's and kids' injuries too. The only person who offered help was a stranger we met at the scene of the accident who performed a much-needed and important one-time favor. It never occurred to me to expect people except family to check on us or do anything for us. We got some nice messages on social media when we mentioned it, but we didn't even tell people all the specific procedures we needed to get because we're not looking for anything from others.

OP is definitely coming across as very dramatic and needy given that this isn't life-threatening. I expected her to say she has a 50% survival chance. Post on Facebook if you really want some well wishers responding, but expecting anything above and beyond that is extremely high maintenance.

I'm so sorry. I am lucky in that I have a great network (church, neighbors) that have checked on me and we do the same for others. I can't imagine not having that.

Sorry to make people interpret that I'm "dying".

If you already have that then no need to come here complaining that no one reached out to you. OP doesn't have that and it seems really needy to expect it given her condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely sorry, and I wish you a full recovery. If you need anything, please reach out.

But, I’m sorry—which friend are you and which problem do you have, again?

Are you my coworker whose husband recently committed suicide, or are you my college friend whose teenage son was recently evaluated at the hospital because of suicidal ideation?

Are you my neighbor whose wife recently died of lung cancer, or are you my neighbor who just had a hip replacement?

Are you my aunt and uncle who just lost their jobs and are hastily selling their home and relocating, or are you my uncle who just got out of the hospital from COVID complications?

Are you my friend whose kid has a nasty stomach bug and at the same time has severe arthritis herself, or are you my friend whose father just died?

If all I did was check in on friends, family and neighbors who were going through stuff, it would be all I did all day. And by the way, I’m going through some stuff of my own.

Well as your friend, I would be on your doorstep with a Starbucks or cookies and do a dropoff.

Well as an introvert…I. Don’t. Want. Any. Of. That.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of my divorce. Radio silence. Sorry op.

Yep don’t care about your divorce either. It’s your choice and your private business.

I’m raising kids, working full time, taking care of a disabled spouse and aging parents. Your divorce doesn’t hit my radar.

Why? It sounds like you have a rough time managing your own schedule. Sending a text takes 10 seconds. Oh my.

[Anonymous]

People don’t care about divorces. Period.

[Anonymous]

The only person who cares about your divorce is your husband’s side piece.

[Anonymous]

Your friends should have texted. I get why your nose is out of joint.

People who claim they can't be bothered to send a text because they're dealing with life issues that every single person on earth faces, such as raising kids, dealing with work, caring for an aging spouse, etc., just don't have (a) good executive functioning skills or (b) a ton of empathy. "I'm so busy!" Oh puhleez. You have the same amount of hours in the day as Mother Teresa, Albert Einstein, and Nelson Mandela. Yet you can't send a text because your neighbor had a hip replacement and work is a little busy? Yeeeeah...no.

OP, send a text to your friends and say, gently, why you're hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a small but close group of friends that go back 20 years. Kids friends, grew up together etc. We go out on occasion but have each others' backs. Text, keep in touch, live close by.

I had surgery 10 days ago. Have not had one of them check in on me. People are busy, I get that, but how long does it take to send a "how are you doing?" text?

I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction this summer and the same. Actually, the people I would have least expected it checked in, brought thoughtful care packages, etc. My 2 best friends: not a meal, not an offer of help to do anything, one sent no texts/calls/emails, the other stopped by with flowers once for about 5 min.

As I continue to rehab and heal, this entire process has been eye opening on many levels. This being one of them.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the posters criticizing that it only takes a second to text.

yes, that's true. but then OP (who clearly loves attention) wants to give details and wait for follow up questions. way more than a "hope things went well!" text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are just keeping up with your facebook/blog posts and don't want to bother you during your recovery. You might be my friend, I haven't texted you yet, but I'm following everything you write and care deeply about you. I just don't want to disturb you because it sounds like you're having a rough time with your recovery.

I haven't posted anything publicly. Surgery came up quickly, and not too many people even know it happened.

So how do you know they know it happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a small but close group of friends that go back 20 years. Kids friends, grew up together etc. We go out on occasion but have each others' backs. Text, keep in touch, live close by.

I had surgery 10 days ago. Have not had one of them check in on me. People are busy, I get that, but how long does it take to send a "how are you doing?" text?

I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction this summer and the same. Actually, the people I would have least expected it checked in, brought thoughtful care packages, etc. My 2 best friends: not a meal, not an offer of help to do anything, one sent no texts/calls/emails, the other stopped by with flowers once for about 5 min.

As I continue to rehab and heal, this entire process has been eye opening on many levels. This being one of them.

I can’t imagine not being there for a friend going through that. I’m sorry but there’s just no excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friends should have texted. I get why your nose is out of joint.

People who claim they can't be bothered to send a text because they're dealing with life issues that every single person on earth faces, such as raising kids, dealing with work, caring for an aging spouse, etc., just don't have (a) good executive functioning skills or (b) a ton of empathy. "I'm so busy!" Oh puhleez. You have the same amount of hours in the day as Mother Teresa, Albert Einstein, and Nelson Mandela. Yet you can't send a text because your neighbor had a hip replacement and work is a little busy? Yeeeeah...no.

OP, send a text to your friends and say, gently, why you're hurt.

Lousy advice. Guilt tripping them when you don't know what they are dealing with will just push them away. This person clearly has as little empathy as you suspect your friends have. These are unusual times and many of us faced far more stressors in a shorter period time than people did pre-pandemic. Just because your feelings are hurt does not mean you have to go twisting a knife in the heart of a friend who may have a serious life challenges you know nothing about. I have not told most of my close friends all the things I am dealing with now because it's just too much and I prefer to cope by just being light and pleasant when I engage with friends.

I have learned it's best to assume the best unless you gets tons of evidence otherwise. All you have to do is send a text that says "surgery went well! I wish the recuperation were faster" or whatever. At least it gives a reminder without being self-centered. There is a point where we all lose our ability to even send a text. Sorry when you have a loved one in the hospital and are running on 2 hours of sleep a day for over a week things fall apart. Sometimes it's just an elderly parent ranting at you for the past 8 years during an endless decline into dementia or a child with special needs and chronic illness. It is not anyone's place to shame others and say "sorry, no excuse, you should text ME and check on ME and you are SELFISH not to think of ME." We all have our breaking points and quite a few people are functioning about 2 skips away from it. Cut people some slack and just assume they have too much on their plate.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry that your friends have not checked in on you. I'd feel hurt, for sure. However, I would not send out a group message telling them that, which will come across as dramatic. People will either care or not. You cannot make them care. I hope you hear from them soon and that they had valid reasons for not reaching out sooner.