Ghosted by friends after surgery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a friend has surgery, you reach out.
This is not complicated. The end.

Exactly.

Its not hard to send a text saying "I hope surgery went well. When you feel up to it, let me know how you are doing! Wishing you a speedy recovery!"

I would check in on ANY kind of friend I knew who included me in the "FYI Im having surgery" list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it kind of seems like you're being needy if you need to ruminate on it this much. you had surgery - as you have said, it went perfectly, you need nothing, your family, neighbors, and other friends have been very supportive. I understand it was a big event in your life, but you need to cut other people slack. as others have said, people are managing a LOT right now. personally, I might not reach out because I'd be worried that you would ask me for something. if we aren't super close and you asked me for something I'd probably do it to be nice, but oh my god I can't handle something else on my plate right now. I barely have time to breathe, and I can't handle another person's emotional/physical needs right now. maybe you're just not that close to them

The posters hyperventilating about how busy they are are just selfish people. It takes 10 seconds to send a post but you're freaking out that the person might ask you to help. You are selfish - not busy. But super.

All the people claiming they're too busy to send a "hope it went well" text sure manage to find the time to post on DCUM.

Yeah, because their time is theirs to spend how they want. I go on DCUM as entertainment and a bit of catharsis. It's "me" time. And I deserve some "me" time every now and then. It's a mental break.

Sure. But PP could own that choice, rather than proclaiming, "OMG life is too hard for me right now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friends should have texted. I get why your nose is out of joint.

People who claim they can't be bothered to send a text because they're dealing with life issues that every single person on earth faces, such as raising kids, dealing with work, caring for an aging spouse, etc., just don't have (a) good executive functioning skills or (b) a ton of empathy. "I'm so busy!" Oh puhleez. You have the same amount of hours in the day as Mother Teresa, Albert Einstein, and Nelson Mandela. Yet you can't send a text because your neighbor had a hip replacement and work is a little busy? Yeeeeah...no.

OP, send a text to your friends and say, gently, why you're hurt.

Lousy advice. Guilt tripping them when you don't know what they are dealing with will just push them away. This person clearly has as little empathy as you suspect your friends have. These are unusual times and many of us faced far more stressors in a shorter period time than people did pre-pandemic. Just because your feelings are hurt does not mean you have to go twisting a knife in the heart of a friend who may have a serious life challenges you know nothing about. I have not told most of my close friends all the things I am dealing with now because it's just too much and I prefer to cope by just being light and pleasant when I engage with friends.

I have learned it's best to assume the best unless you gets tons of evidence otherwise. All you have to do is send a text that says "surgery went well! I wish the recuperation were faster" or whatever. At least it gives a reminder without being self-centered. There is a point where we all lose our ability to even send a text. Sorry when you have a loved one in the hospital and are running on 2 hours of sleep a day for over a week things fall apart. Sometimes it's just an elderly parent ranting at you for the past 8 years during an endless decline into dementia or a child with special needs and chronic illness. It is not anyone's place to shame others and say "sorry, no excuse, you should text ME and check on ME and you are SELFISH not to think of ME." We all have our breaking points and quite a few people are functioning about 2 skips away from it. Cut people some slack and just assume they have too much on their plate.

Well said, pp.

[Anonymous]

For what it’s worth, my spouse has had a knee replacement, several cervical spine and brain surgeries and considered the knee replacement the most painful and difficult to recover from. Hope you are back on your feet soon, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hope you feel better soon OP. It's back to school time, Covid is crazy, and people have a lot going on. It's definitely possible your friends forgot you were having the surgery or assumed you would reach out if you needed anything. It's not an excuse, but you can choose to be offended or choose to be understanding and reach out to them with an update to give them a chance to send well-wishes and support.

I try to be a good friend but I do forget stuff sometimes. I have little kids and aging parents (one of whom is dying of cancer) and other peoples' issues sometimes fall off my radar. Again, not an excuse and I do try, but sometimes I forget and it is what it is.