Ghosted by friends after surgery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it kind of seems like you're being needy if you need to ruminate on it this much. you had surgery - as you have said, it went perfectly, you need nothing, your family, neighbors, and other friends have been very supportive. I understand it was a big event in your life, but you need to cut other people slack. as others have said, people are managing a LOT right now. personally, I might not reach out because I'd be worried that you would ask me for something. if we aren't super close and you asked me for something I'd probably do it to be nice, but oh my god I can't handle something else on my plate right now. I barely have time to breathe, and I can't handle another person's emotional/physical needs right now. maybe you're just not that close to them

The posters hyperventilating about how busy they are are just selfish people. It takes 10 seconds to send a post but you're freaking out that the person might ask you to help. You are selfish - not busy. But super.

All the people claiming they're too busy to send a "hope it went well" text sure manage to find the time to post on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

NP - maybe this is not your friends, but here's my take. I'm super awkward socially and am not great at knowing the right thing to say or do. I'm also extremely introverted and definitely prefer to be left alone when I'm not feeling well, including not wanting to read or reply to a lot of texts that feel like people mining for information that it's too taxing for me to provide at the moment. So my instinctive take is that I am being kind by leaving someone alone and staying out of their way while they recover, and I'll be sure to ask all about it when they're well enough to meet up or talk.

For a few extreme things for people we know well I'll send care packages (eg bypass, transplant, or starting chemo). BUT I'd also love to know if one of my friends WISHED I'd been in touch - I'm not a mind reader, but I do love my friends and am always ready to be there if they need me.

I say that if you otherwise love them, tell them you could use some company rather than scolding them for not having been in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - maybe this is not your friends, but here's my take. I'm super awkward socially and am not great at knowing the right thing to say or do. I'm also extremely introverted and definitely prefer to be left alone when I'm not feeling well, including not wanting to read or reply to a lot of texts that feel like people mining for information that it's too taxing for me to provide at the moment. So my instinctive take is that I am being kind by leaving someone alone and staying out of their way while they recover, and I'll be sure to ask all about it when they're well enough to meet up or talk.

For a few extreme things for people we know well I'll send care packages (eg bypass, transplant, or starting chemo). BUT I'd also love to know if one of my friends WISHED I'd been in touch - I'm not a mind reader, but I do love my friends and am always ready to be there if they need me.

I say that if you otherwise love them, tell them you could use some company rather than scolding them for not having been in touch.

It's the super poster... again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right or wrong, I wouldn't be all that consumed with checking on a friend who had an elective surgery to address what sounds like a normal wear-and-tear type of injury. Chemo, radiation, surgery on a major organ, sure.

Yeah, I think there just may be simple difference in perspectives going on here. I would not necessarily check in on a friend after elective (presumably safe) surgery unless it was a friend with whom I was in continual contact (which for me is really only a handful of the closest friends). And with respect to these closest friends, it would be weird not to mention/ask about the surgery simply because I would have probably texted them several times in the two weeks anyway! And I absolutely would not expect y friends/acquaintances to check in with me if the situation were reversed. I just don't think everyone sees this as as big deal the way you do OP. And it is totally fine and reasonable that this is your perspective--but I don't think it is as universally shared as you think.

Same. I don’t think surgery is a big deal worth special attention unless it’s a life-saving procedure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - maybe this is not your friends, but here's my take. I'm super awkward socially and am not great at knowing the right thing to say or do. I'm also extremely introverted and definitely prefer to be left alone when I'm not feeling well, including not wanting to read or reply to a lot of texts that feel like people mining for information that it's too taxing for me to provide at the moment. So my instinctive take is that I am being kind by leaving someone alone and staying out of their way while they recover, and I'll be sure to ask all about it when they're well enough to meet up or talk.

For a few extreme things for people we know well I'll send care packages (eg bypass, transplant, or starting chemo). BUT I'd also love to know if one of my friends WISHED I'd been in touch - I'm not a mind reader, but I do love my friends and am always ready to be there if they need me.

I say that if you otherwise love them, tell them you could use some company rather than scolding them for not having been in touch.

It's the super poster... again.

PP here - and, what? I'm not on DCUM too much. Maybe you're mixing me up with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right or wrong, I wouldn't be all that consumed with checking on a friend who had an elective surgery to address what sounds like a normal wear-and-tear type of injury. Chemo, radiation, surgery on a major organ, sure.

Yeah, I think there just may be simple difference in perspectives going on here. I would not necessarily check in on a friend after elective (presumably safe) surgery unless it was a friend with whom I was in continual contact (which for me is really only a handful of the closest friends). And with respect to these closest friends, it would be weird not to mention/ask about the surgery simply because I would have probably texted them several times in the two weeks anyway! And I absolutely would not expect y friends/acquaintances to check in with me if the situation were reversed. I just don't think everyone sees this as as big deal the way you do OP. And it is totally fine and reasonable that this is your perspective--but I don't think it is as universally shared as you think.

Same. I don’t think surgery is a big deal worth special attention unless it’s a life-saving procedure.

Really? You wouldn't acknowledge a friend having surgery at all unless it was that drastic? I'm curious how old you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friends should have texted. I get why your nose is out of joint.

People who claim they can't be bothered to send a text because they're dealing with life issues that every single person on earth faces, such as raising kids, dealing with work, caring for an aging spouse, etc., just don't have (a) good executive functioning skills or (b) a ton of empathy. "I'm so busy!" Oh puhleez. You have the same amount of hours in the day as Mother Teresa, Albert Einstein, and Nelson Mandela. Yet you can't send a text because your neighbor had a hip replacement and work is a little busy? Yeeeeah...no.

OP, send a text to your friends and say, gently, why you're hurt.

Lousy advice. Guilt tripping them when you don't know what they are dealing with will just push them away. This person clearly has as little empathy as you suspect your friends have. These are unusual times and many of us faced far more stressors in a shorter period time than people did pre-pandemic. Just because your feelings are hurt does not mean you have to go twisting a knife in the heart of a friend who may have a serious life challenges you know nothing about. I have not told most of my close friends all the things I am dealing with now because it's just too much and I prefer to cope by just being light and pleasant when I engage with friends.

I have learned it's best to assume the best unless you gets tons of evidence otherwise. All you have to do is send a text that says "surgery went well! I wish the recuperation were faster" or whatever. At least it gives a reminder without being self-centered. There is a point where we all lose our ability to even send a text. Sorry when you have a loved one in the hospital and are running on 2 hours of sleep a day for over a week things fall apart. Sometimes it's just an elderly parent ranting at you for the past 8 years during an endless decline into dementia or a child with special needs and chronic illness. It is not anyone's place to shame others and say "sorry, no excuse, you should text ME and check on ME and you are SELFISH not to think of ME." We all have our breaking points and quite a few people are functioning about 2 skips away from it. Cut people some slack and just assume they have too much on their plate.

OK, but some people want deeper relationships with friends instead of being light and pleasant -- they need more connection. It's OK to want that from a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right or wrong, I wouldn't be all that consumed with checking on a friend who had an elective surgery to address what sounds like a normal wear-and-tear type of injury. Chemo, radiation, surgery on a major organ, sure.

I don't know a single person who thinks this way. It's just another excuse to be selfish and uncaring. Let's face it, people are assholes now. All these excuses are nothing but excuses. It has just become more acceptable for people to act this way.

Stop making excuses for unkind behavior.

Ummm... there are obviously multiple PPs on this thread alone. And it is not unreasonable to want friends' support during even a fairly minor surgery. What is unreasonable/needy is to expect everyone to feel exactly the same and place exactly the same importance on this event.

[Anonymous]

When a friend has surgery, you reach out.
This is not complicated. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a friend has surgery, you reach out.
This is not complicated. The end.

So if they had an outpatient surgery to remove a wart, you should reach out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right or wrong, I wouldn't be all that consumed with checking on a friend who had an elective surgery to address what sounds like a normal wear-and-tear type of injury. Chemo, radiation, surgery on a major organ, sure.

Yeah, I think there just may be simple difference in perspectives going on here. I would not necessarily check in on a friend after elective (presumably safe) surgery unless it was a friend with whom I was in continual contact (which for me is really only a handful of the closest friends). And with respect to these closest friends, it would be weird not to mention/ask about the surgery simply because I would have probably texted them several times in the two weeks anyway! And I absolutely would not expect y friends/acquaintances to check in with me if the situation were reversed. I just don't think everyone sees this as as big deal the way you do OP. And it is totally fine and reasonable that this is your perspective--but I don't think it is as universally shared as you think.

Same. I don’t think surgery is a big deal worth special attention unless it’s a life-saving procedure.

Same - very relative, depending on the type of surgery and context, and the closeness of the friendship (frequency of contact).

I also am not shy and asking for what I need, even if that is some company.

You sound a bit dramatic OP, especially since you didn't need any particular help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a friend has surgery, you reach out.
This is not complicated. The end.

So if they had an outpatient surgery to remove a wart, you should reach out?

NP. Yes.

Agree with PP. This is not hard. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a friend has surgery, you reach out.
This is not complicated. The end.

So if they had an outpatient surgery to remove a wart, you should reach out?

NP. Yes.

Agree with PP. This is not hard. Full stop.

NP. I'm so glad my friends aren't drama queens who expect to be checked on after wart removal. I just had a mole removed and am awaiting biopsy results. I have told literally no one but my husband, and I only thought to mention it to him because we were both working from home and I wanted him to know where I was. If he had been in the office, I don't think it would have crossed my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it kind of seems like you're being needy if you need to ruminate on it this much. you had surgery - as you have said, it went perfectly, you need nothing, your family, neighbors, and other friends have been very supportive. I understand it was a big event in your life, but you need to cut other people slack. as others have said, people are managing a LOT right now. personally, I might not reach out because I'd be worried that you would ask me for something. if we aren't super close and you asked me for something I'd probably do it to be nice, but oh my god I can't handle something else on my plate right now. I barely have time to breathe, and I can't handle another person's emotional/physical needs right now. maybe you're just not that close to them

The posters hyperventilating about how busy they are are just selfish people. It takes 10 seconds to send a post but you're freaking out that the person might ask you to help. You are selfish - not busy. But super.

All the people claiming they're too busy to send a "hope it went well" text sure manage to find the time to post on DCUM.

Yeah, because their time is theirs to spend how they want. I go on DCUM as entertainment and a bit of catharsis. It's "me" time. And I deserve some "me" time every now and then. It's a mental break.

[Anonymous]

OP: How many people are we talking about?