Ghosted by friends after surgery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the posters criticizing that it only takes a second to text.

yes, that's true. but then OP (who clearly loves attention) wants to give details and wait for follow up questions. way more than a "hope things went well!" text.

OP aside, it does only take a second to text. The "OMG, life is too hard, I shouldn't make their phone ding" crowd are offering weak excuses.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP! I also had surgery recently (orthopedic fix after injury). I too have had less "how are you" messages than I expected. I think they just don't want to disturb me, and they're busy. I'm not taking it to heart in any way, shape or form. If I needed them for anything and reached out they would 100% be there for me.

Hope your recovery is going well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right or wrong, I wouldn't be all that consumed with checking on a friend who had an elective surgery to address what sounds like a normal wear-and-tear type of injury. Chemo, radiation, surgery on a major organ, sure.

Yeah, I think there just may be simple difference in perspectives going on here. I would not necessarily check in on a friend after elective (presumably safe) surgery unless it was a friend with whom I was in continual contact (which for me is really only a handful of the closest friends). And with respect to these closest friends, it would be weird not to mention/ask about the surgery simply because I would have probably texted them several times in the two weeks anyway! And I absolutely would not expect y friends/acquaintances to check in with me if the situation were reversed. I just don't think everyone sees this as as big deal the way you do OP. And it is totally fine and reasonable that this is your perspective--but I don't think it is as universally shared as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right or wrong, I wouldn't be all that consumed with checking on a friend who had an elective surgery to address what sounds like a normal wear-and-tear type of injury. Chemo, radiation, surgery on a major organ, sure.

Yeah, I think there just may be simple difference in perspectives going on here. I would not necessarily check in on a friend after elective (presumably safe) surgery unless it was a friend with whom I was in continual contact (which for me is really only a handful of the closest friends). And with respect to these closest friends, it would be weird not to mention/ask about the surgery simply because I would have probably texted them several times in the two weeks anyway! And I absolutely would not expect y friends/acquaintances to check in with me if the situation were reversed. I just don't think everyone sees this as as big deal the way you do OP. And it is totally fine and reasonable that this is your perspective--but I don't think it is as universally shared as you think.

Exactly. OP is being a drama Queen. If you want them to fawn all over you, send a mass text saying that recuperating is harder than expected. Then you’ll get your casserole.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to show them some grace. Personally I feel like I have been spinning dozens of plates for 18 months and every time one more gets added, I begin to fall apart.

I'm sure the minute you text them and let them know you are recovering well they will be happy and relieved and feel awful about forgetting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know them a lot better than we do — what’s your sense of why they haven’t checked in with you?

Everyone has busy lives, but we usually all keep up on a closed FB group. I guess out of sight out of mind? Assume I'm ok unless I reached out? I didn't really think about it a lot until today....2nd weekend after. And it's not like I'm mad or angry...or maybe I am a little?? Or have we all gotten so busy with life that the basic touching base is so hard? That makes me sad.

If you haven't been posting on your facebook group, they probably assume you don't want to be bothered. They think you are taking the lead. Why don't you reach out? People get so needlessly offended over misunderstandings.

[Anonymous]

People have different needs, OP. When I was very ill with Covid this past winter, I was super annoyed with all the texts and "how are you" messages I kept getting. I just wanted to rest and not have any distractions. I could have come on here and complained about how nobody would leave me alone, but I just turned off my ringer and spent 10 minutes when I was feeling up to it replying to messages, or in some cases asked my husband to take care of it and send out a blast that I was tired but thanks for their well wishes.

If you want people fawning all over you, then it's up to you to let the know. You can't just wait for people to meet expectations that you never set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely sorry, and I wish you a full recovery. If you need anything, please reach out.

But, I’m sorry—which friend are you and which problem do you have, again?

Are you my coworker whose husband recently committed suicide, or are you my college friend whose teenage son was recently evaluated at the hospital because of suicidal ideation?

Are you my neighbor whose wife recently died of lung cancer, or are you my neighbor who just had a hip replacement?

Are you my aunt and uncle who just lost their jobs and are hastily selling their home and relocating, or are you my uncle who just got out of the hospital from COVID complications?

Are you my friend whose kid has a nasty stomach bug and at the same time has severe arthritis herself, or are you my friend whose father just died?

If all I did was check in on friends, family and neighbors who were going through stuff, it would be all I did all day. And by the way, I’m going through some stuff of my own.

This is typical dcum dramatic hyperbole. I don't even believe this pile of crap. Your life is so hard because everyone around you wants to die or know someone who died? If op was your friend you couldn't spend 5 seconds sending her a text. What a bunch of self centered asses.

I'm sorry op. I don't know what is going on with your friends but it is disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have different needs, OP. When I was very ill with Covid this past winter, I was super annoyed with all the texts and "how are you" messages I kept getting. I just wanted to rest and not have any distractions. I could have come on here and complained about how nobody would leave me alone, but I just turned off my ringer and spent 10 minutes when I was feeling up to it replying to messages, or in some cases asked my husband to take care of it and send out a blast that I was tired but thanks for their well wishes.

If you want people fawning all over you, then it's up to you to let the know. You can't just wait for people to meet expectations that you never set.

Op never said she wanted people fawning all over her. Nice humble brag about how "super" popular you are.

The facts are that people are just rude and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right or wrong, I wouldn't be all that consumed with checking on a friend who had an elective surgery to address what sounds like a normal wear-and-tear type of injury. Chemo, radiation, surgery on a major organ, sure.

I don't know a single person who thinks this way. It's just another excuse to be selfish and uncaring. Let's face it, people are assholes now. All these excuses are nothing but excuses. It has just become more acceptable for people to act this way.

Stop making excuses for unkind behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a small but close group of friends that go back 20 years. Kids friends, grew up together etc. We go out on occasion but have each others' backs. Text, keep in touch, live close by.

I had surgery 10 days ago. Have not had one of them check in on me. People are busy, I get that, but how long does it take to send a "how are you doing?" text?

I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction this summer and the same. Actually, the people I would have least expected it checked in, brought thoughtful care packages, etc. My 2 best friends: not a meal, not an offer of help to do anything, one sent no texts/calls/emails, the other stopped by with flowers once for about 5 min.

As I continue to rehab and heal, this entire process has been eye opening on many levels. This being one of them.

I'm so sorry you have gone through this. I am stunned by your friend's callousness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it kind of seems like you're being needy if you need to ruminate on it this much. you had surgery - as you have said, it went perfectly, you need nothing, your family, neighbors, and other friends have been very supportive. I understand it was a big event in your life, but you need to cut other people slack. as others have said, people are managing a LOT right now. personally, I might not reach out because I'd be worried that you would ask me for something. if we aren't super close and you asked me for something I'd probably do it to be nice, but oh my god I can't handle something else on my plate right now. I barely have time to breathe, and I can't handle another person's emotional/physical needs right now. maybe you're just not that close to them

The posters hyperventilating about how busy they are are just selfish people. It takes 10 seconds to send a post but you're freaking out that the person might ask you to help. You are selfish - not busy. But super.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it kind of seems like you're being needy if you need to ruminate on it this much. you had surgery - as you have said, it went perfectly, you need nothing, your family, neighbors, and other friends have been very supportive. I understand it was a big event in your life, but you need to cut other people slack. as others have said, people are managing a LOT right now. personally, I might not reach out because I'd be worried that you would ask me for something. if we aren't super close and you asked me for something I'd probably do it to be nice, but oh my god I can't handle something else on my plate right now. I barely have time to breathe, and I can't handle another person's emotional/physical needs right now. maybe you're just not that close to them

The posters hyperventilating about how busy they are are just selfish people. It takes 10 seconds to send a post but you're freaking out that the person might ask you to help. You are selfish - not busy. But super.

Bean-counting whether friends send you a frankly pretty meaningless "How was surgery?" text is pretty selfish.

It's nice when people reach out. But it's not "selfish" when they don't. They're busy, and let's be honest--OP isn't exactly going through a double mastectomy.

[Anonymous]

You had a super simple scheduled elective surgery with a husband that can take care of any short time issues. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had a super simple scheduled elective surgery with a husband that can take care of any short time issues. Get over yourself.

Are you so brain addled that you can't communicate without using the word super? Are you 12?

Op doesn't need to get over herself.

These posts just point out how rude and uncaring people are now. Are you people stopping to read what you've written? The ridiculous excuses are almost humorous. These responses are drama filled. Op's post was not.

Super!