Ghosted by friends after surgery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they all know? Just getting everything...was it for a health issue or for cosmetic? I have a million crises going on a la sandwich generation including ill kids right now (not covid-thank goodness). I would make calling a frie3nd who had major surgery a priority. If she just got a tummy tuck it would not be high on my list.

Oh yes, they know...we all talked before. Major orthopedic fix after injury.

Oh goodness, that is tough. Thanks for clarifying. I am sorry they didn't reach out. text isn't a lot to ask. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Thank you! This is a long time coming after an injury, and I'm thrilled to have it done! I kept being told the only answer was a total knee replacement but I'm way too young, but kept pushing and found a surgeon to fix it. I'm so happy, and doing well. Will be better when I can drive again!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they all know? Just getting everything...was it for a health issue or for cosmetic? I have a million crises going on a la sandwich generation including ill kids right now (not covid-thank goodness). I would make calling a frie3nd who had major surgery a priority. If she just got a tummy tuck it would not be high on my list.

Oh yes, they know...we all talked before. Major orthopedic fix after injury.

Oh goodness, that is tough. Thanks for clarifying. I am sorry they didn't reach out. text isn't a lot to ask. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Thank you! This is a long time coming after an injury, and I'm thrilled to have it done! I kept being told the only answer was a total knee replacement but I'm way too young, but kept pushing and found a surgeon to fix it. I'm so happy, and doing well. Will be better when I can drive again!!

Maybe you need new friends if you are that needy?

[Anonymous]

Wow in my friend group people would be bringing meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So I guess my question is this: If you have a friend that tells you they are having major (not cosmetic) surgery, how long before you check in on them or shoot them a text?

For a close friend, I’d be checking in as soon as I expected them to be up to reading/responding to texts, which obviously depends on the nature of the surgery. I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like these friendships aren’t what you thought they were.

[Anonymous]

I would check in within a few days, for sure - once I knew you were home. If I were friends with your DH I might try him first. I brought food to a neighbor I didn’t know we’ll in a similar circumstance, so there’s no question I would do it for a friend. My feelings would be hurt too, OP.

[Anonymous]

^didn’t know *well*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So I guess my question is this: If you have a friend that tells you they are having major (not cosmetic) surgery, how long before you check in on them or shoot them a text?

Probably the normal timeframe of when I would normally message them. Unfortunately I am not a naturally caring or nurturing person and typically something like checking on a friend after surgery just does not occur to me I do not like this part of my personality and am trying to be more caring but it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I'm drowning at home and work. Every day I'm totally exhausted. My good friend had surgery and it took me until Friday to be able to reach out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope that you are mending quickly and in good spirits!

I note that you don't say how old you and friends are or where you are in life cycle. But it's mid-Septmber and school just started. If your friend group is all moms of kids under 18, these are hectic days. This does not excuse not checking in on a friend, but I know many are just overwhelmed with life and COVID, just barely coping with what must be done.

Please forgive them! If I were you, I would send a short private note to your small Facebook group saying it went well. That might be a gentle nudge to get them to reach out. Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

Maybe you’re not as close as you think? Have they moved on to other or new friends this past year? Have you drifted apart because of COVID?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, unless previously agreed upon I would leave them be until they sent a text indicating they were up for a chat. I'm not a person who when hospitalized or in recovery wants people fussing over me or bombarding me with texts so I tend to assume the same of other people unless otherwise indicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know them a lot better than we do — what’s your sense of why they haven’t checked in with you?

Everyone has busy lives, but we usually all keep up on a closed FB group. I guess out of sight out of mind? Assume I'm ok unless I reached out? I didn't really think about it a lot until today....2nd weekend after. And it's not like I'm mad or angry...or maybe I am a little?? Or have we all gotten so busy with life that the basic touching base is so hard? That makes me sad.

Post in your FB group. That is how you normally communicate, weird to expect a different form of communication. Feel better soon!

[Anonymous]

This is a perfect example of why we all need to abide by The Four Agreements.

Don't take it personally. I know it's hard, but your "two weekends after surgery" are someone else's "two weekends getting the kids back to school/updating my resume/negotiating my divorce/dealing with my aging mother"

Believe that your friends care and give them the opportunity to show it. Don't just hide in your hidey hole feeling sorry for yourself because no one else is living your life.

Tell them you want support and tell them exactly how you want to be supported. Post on FB whatever you're feeling now and whatever you'd like them to do about it.

This is why I tell everyone when it's my birthday -- because I like my birthday and I like hearing 'Happy birthday." And sadly enough, the cashier at my grocery store doesn't remember my birthday until I remind him. Then I get the best smile and the warmest Happy Birthday ever. It works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So I guess my question is this: If you have a friend that tells you they are having major (not cosmetic) surgery, how long before you check in on them or shoot them a text?

I had heart surgery and some friends never texted me! I heard from my (out of town) family twice. The only person who contacted me daily for a week to see how I was is a friend with benefits who lives 600 miles away.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but I’m the forgetful friend that didn’t realize you got surgery already.