Fiance oblivious to his son's issues

[Anonymous]

My fiance has a son from his previous relationship. His son is 11 and has clear social/awkward/behavior issues. He has not been diagnosed with anything, I think it's just the way he's been raised. He has lived primarily with his mother for the past 4 years.

EVERYONE sees it. Including my fiance's entire extended family. But he appears to be the only person completely unaware of how socially awkward and inappropriate he is. I've tried to gently explain that he is going to have a difficult time in middle school next year, not wanting to offend him as I know how defensive people get about their kids. But his response was basically kids will be kids, maybe if a few kids are mean to him, he won't be so "quirky" about things.

There is a difference between kids being mean to each other occasionally, but still having a group of friends, and your child being the one kid ostracized and ALL the other kids avoid, because your child is flat out weird. He already talks about how he has no friends, except for the ones on the internet he meets playing his online games.

For instance, he just sits there and makes random loud noises, for no reason, while everyone around him is in the middle of a conversation. Everyone stares at him, and then stares at my fiance for him to do something about it, but my fiance just gives a look like "oh, there goes my quirky kid again!" and doesn't address it. He says inappropriate things about someone having scars, or being overweight, to them. He attempts to correct adults behavior and tells them they are doing something he doesn't like, that he has no business saying anything about. He tells private family stories in public forums. He's taken a toy, and walked around the room and hit people (including adults) in the head with it. He closed to door to a dark basement on two little kids because they annoyed him. All this around my fiance, and he doesn't do or say anything, because if you asked my fiance, his son is the nicest, most well-behaved kid you'll ever meet.

How can I make him address these issues with him getting offended about it.

[Anonymous]

It is clear from your language that you dislike your fiance's child. You should not marry this man. He should not marry a woman who clearly dislikes his kid; he needs to focus on his child right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is clear from your language that you dislike your fiance's child. You should not marry this man. He should not marry a woman who clearly dislikes his kid; he needs to focus on his child right now.

I thought I was just making it clear cut the issues. What language are you talking about? I actually like him and we get along great. I feel horrible for him because he's gonna have a miserable time next year, and his mother is clearly not helping the situation (may even be encouraging it with her parenting) and his dad isn't doing anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Some of my in-laws have Asperger's, my husband and son have tendencies, and this sounds very similar.

Does your fiance exhibit the symptoms of social awkwardness and lack of empathy? The fact that he is not interpreting his son's symptoms correctly and not taking them seriously speaks volumes about his own lack of perception and social processing.

If this indeed comes from his side of the family, your future children might have symptoms as well.
And let me tell you from personal experience, it's HARD to live with people like this. You will feel as if your feelings are not taken into account and you will live daily with their rigid thinking and inflexibity.

So before marrying this guy please think long and hard about this. Like all autism spectrum disorders, this is not curable. Adults and older children who are aware of their deficits and highly motivated to change can work with a therapist to learn how to observe and correctly interpret social, verbal, and non-verbal clues, but the later you start, the harder it gets. This 11 year old should be evaluated by a psychologist ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Some of my in-laws have Asperger's, my husband and son have tendencies, and this sounds very similar.

Does your fiance exhibit the symptoms of social awkwardness and lack of empathy? The fact that he is not interpreting his son's symptoms correctly and not taking them seriously speaks volumes about his own lack of perception and social processing.

If this indeed comes from his side of the family, your future children might have symptoms as well.
And let me tell you from personal experience, it's HARD to live with people like this. You will feel as if your feelings are not taken into account and you will live daily with their rigid thinking and inflexibity.

So before marrying this guy please think long and hard about this. Like all autism spectrum disorders, this is not curable. Adults and older children who are aware of their deficits and highly motivated to change can work with a therapist to learn how to observe and correctly interpret social, verbal, and non-verbal clues, but the later you start, the harder it gets. This 11 year old should be evaluated by a psychologist ASAP.

This is what I was thinking also. We have a nephew w/Autism/Aspergers (SIL says he was diagnosed with both). The things that you describe are all things that I could see him doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiance has a son from his previous relationship. His son is 11 and has clear social/awkward/behavior issues. He has not been diagnosed with anything, I think it's just the way he's been raised. He has lived primarily with his mother for the past 4 years.

EVERYONE sees it. Including my fiance's entire extended family. But he appears to be the only person completely unaware of how socially awkward and inappropriate he is. I've tried to gently explain that he is going to have a difficult time in middle school next year, not wanting to offend him as I know how defensive people get about their kids. But his response was basically kids will be kids, maybe if a few kids are mean to him, he won't be so "quirky" about things.

There is a difference between kids being mean to each other occasionally, but still having a group of friends, and your child being the one kid ostracized and ALL the other kids avoid, because your child is flat out weird. He already talks about how he has no friends, except for the ones on the internet he meets playing his online games.

For instance, he just sits there and makes random loud noises, for no reason, while everyone around him is in the middle of a conversation. Everyone stares at him, and then stares at my fiance for him to do something about it, but my fiance just gives a look like "oh, there goes my quirky kid again!" and doesn't address it. He says inappropriate things about someone having scars, or being overweight, to them. He attempts to correct adults behavior and tells them they are doing something he doesn't like, that he has no business saying anything about. He tells private family stories in public forums. He's taken a toy, and walked around the room and hit people (including adults) in the head with it. He closed to door to a dark basement on two little kids because they annoyed him. All this around my fiance, and he doesn't do or say anything, because if you asked my fiance, his son is the nicest, most well-behaved kid you'll ever meet.

How can I make him address these issues with him getting offended about it.

Share everything you just posted and see what he says. How he response is very important and telling of things to come for your future marriage. If he is still not acknowledging the problem, it's time to pull the, let's -hold-off-on-the-marriage card. Please ignore the people that say you don't like his kid. It's not you it's him. He may be having a hard time accepting reality. These are people that ignore major issues, ignore the underlining behavioral problems and expect the world to accommodate their needs rather than be an adult and take control of the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Some of my in-laws have Asperger's, my husband and son have tendencies, and this sounds very similar.

Does your fiance exhibit the symptoms of social awkwardness and lack of empathy? The fact that he is not interpreting his son's symptoms correctly and not taking them seriously speaks volumes about his own lack of perception and social processing.

If this indeed comes from his side of the family, your future children might have symptoms as well.
And let me tell you from personal experience, it's HARD to live with people like this. You will feel as if your feelings are not taken into account and you will live daily with their rigid thinking and inflexibity.

So before marrying this guy please think long and hard about this. Like all autism spectrum disorders, this is not curable. Adults and older children who are aware of their deficits and highly motivated to change can work with a therapist to learn how to observe and correctly interpret social, verbal, and non-verbal clues, but the later you start, the harder it gets. This 11 year old should be evaluated by a psychologist ASAP.

No one in my fiance's side of the family, that I've met, acts like this. He has a large family that I've spent quite a bit of time around. We were just at a large family function with tons of his extended family, 50+ people. It was out of town and we were there for 4 days. Everyone noticed this behavior. It got to the point where towards the end of our stay, they were stepping in and saying things to his son because my fiance wasn't.

I'm not sure about his mother's side of the family, if they have any autism. I think my fiance is in complete denial because he is literally the opposite of his son. He was athletic and social and popular. So he's trying to accept that his son won't grow up to be like him, which is great. But he's not seeing that it's not just that his son and his son's interests aren't different than him, it's his behavior that's abnormal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is clear from your language that you dislike your fiance's child. You should not marry this man. He should not marry a woman who clearly dislikes his kid; he needs to focus on his child right now.

I actually think it is clear that the OP cares about the kid , which is why she is concerned that he will have social issues in middle school.

OP, you are in a rough spot as the stepparent-to-be since it appears the biological parents are in denial about the kids issues. Honestly, to me, it sounds like he may be on the spectrum &, if it were my kid, I'd have him evaluated. You said your fiance's family also seems concerned about his son's behavior. Is there a family member -- one of his parents or siblings, maybe? -- who your fiance might listen to? If so, I would ask him or her to talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Don't do this to yourself, life is too short. Run away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is clear from your language that you dislike your fiance's child. You should not marry this man. He should not marry a woman who clearly dislikes his kid; he needs to focus on his child right now.

I actually think it is clear that the OP cares about the kid , which is why she is concerned that he will have social issues in middle school.

OP, you are in a rough spot as the stepparent-to-be since it appears the biological parents are in denial about the kids issues. Honestly, to me, it sounds like he may be on the spectrum &, if it were my kid, I'd have him evaluated. You said your fiance's family also seems concerned about his son's behavior. Is there a family member -- one of his parents or siblings, maybe? -- who your fiance might listen to? If so, I would ask him or her to talk to him.

All of this!
I don't know how many other children your fiancé is around but this is not typical 11 year old behavior. Unfortunately for you OP your hands are tied. You can do what's been suggested other than that of his bio parents won't help him there is nothing you can do.

I'm surprised the school hasn't had him evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is clear from your language that you dislike your fiance's child. You should not marry this man. He should not marry a woman who clearly dislikes his kid; he needs to focus on his child right now.

I actually think it is clear that the OP cares about the kid , which is why she is concerned that he will have social issues in middle school.

OP, you are in a rough spot as the stepparent-to-be since it appears the biological parents are in denial about the kids issues. Honestly, to me, it sounds like he may be on the spectrum &, if it were my kid, I'd have him evaluated. You said your fiance's family also seems concerned about his son's behavior. Is there a family member -- one of his parents or siblings, maybe? -- who your fiance might listen to? If so, I would ask him or her to talk to him.

I am definitely concerned about next year. Kids are cruel and middle school is tough enough as it is. I am so worried about how things will go for him next year. I don't want this to affect him long-term. And it's not like my fiance can even do anything, because his son's mother is the one who controls the medical part. It's joint decision making, but she doesn't share who his doctor is or when he goes and she has his insurance card. (her control issues are another issue) And don't you need both parents consent to see a psychologist or get evaluated?

School starts in 5 weeks. I'm upset and annoyed that I'm more worried about this than his parents are. He is going to a school where he already doesn't know anyone because they moved, which is going to make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Some of my in-laws have Asperger's, my husband and son have tendencies, and this sounds very similar.

Does your fiance exhibit the symptoms of social awkwardness and lack of empathy? The fact that he is not interpreting his son's symptoms correctly and not taking them seriously speaks volumes about his own lack of perception and social processing.

If this indeed comes from his side of the family, your future children might have symptoms as well.
And let me tell you from personal experience, it's HARD to live with people like this. You will feel as if your feelings are not taken into account and you will live daily with their rigid thinking and inflexibity.

So before marrying this guy please think long and hard about this. Like all autism spectrum disorders, this is not curable. Adults and older children who are aware of their deficits and highly motivated to change can work with a therapist to learn how to observe and correctly interpret social, verbal, and non-verbal clues, but the later you start, the harder it gets. This 11 year old should be evaluated by a psychologist ASAP.

No one in my fiance's side of the family, that I've met, acts like this. He has a large family that I've spent quite a bit of time around. We were just at a large family function with tons of his extended family, 50+ people. It was out of town and we were there for 4 days. Everyone noticed this behavior. It got to the point where towards the end of our stay, they were stepping in and saying things to his son because my fiance wasn't.

I'm not sure about his mother's side of the family, if they have any autism. I think my fiance is in complete denial because he is literally the opposite of his son. He was athletic and social and popular. So he's trying to accept that his son won't grow up to be like him, which is great. But he's not seeing that it's not just that his son and his son's interests aren't different than him, it's his behavior that's abnormal.

In that case, address the issue head-on. Select a couple of people in his family who have his son's best interest at heart, and whom your fiance loves, and get together to insist that this boy undergo a psychological evaluation. It's HEARTBREAKING that your fiance thinks his quirks will go away with teasing in middle school! My son was teased and bullied in elementary school and let me tell you, he would have done anything to stop being pushed around and rejected!!! Makes me so mad at your fiance, and so sad for this poor child. My son has an IEP in his public school, a legal federally-mandated document guaranteeing services and accommodations for his special needs. There are even designated autism and Asperger's services in Montgomery County schools. Therefore if your fiance's child receives a diagnosis, he could benefit from free resources and help at school which could make his life a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, please keep in mind that this is one big issue that you have already encountered with FI that he isn't handling well. If you marry him, which clearly you want to, there will be other issues that he isn't handling well.

You and he need to find a way to work as a team, and ensure that you can do so, before you get married. If he can't deal with this issue, do you want to deal with his ignoring big, important issues like his son's health, for the rest of your life?

[Anonymous]

Lots of kids are quirky and in all reality, except a social skills class that may or may not help, not much one can do but embrace him and love him. If dad does not have shared custody and just a few weekends a month and mom is not open to working with him, there is nothing he can do. It sucks but that is the reality a lot of dad's face.

I'd help him to find friends. What interests does he have? If he likes board games, he'll find lots of kids similar to him. Take him to a game store (board games, card games, D & D, Magic) on a game night.

[Anonymous]

He said he was bullied already, but I didn't push him on the details because he moved on to another subject before I had a chance. When he comes over, he talks to me a lot, more than his dad. He tells me about being anxious about new people/situations and all about the video games he plays and his favorite You Tubers. He talks about what goes on at his mom's house. Things that happen at school or when he visits his maternal grandma, etc. And then I relay some of this back to my fiance, because some of it is, I think, worrisome.

I am hoping that it's just because it's his son that he gets defensive, and that if it's OUR child, he wouldn't feel like I'm attacking, since it's ours together? If that makes any sense.

But I get the overall point, of him just not wanting to deal with big problems and go about his life as though they don't exist, and I'm gonna be left holding the bag.

He's not over at our house enough for us to make a real difference in his life that I think could help this. We (I) do what we can on the weekends and when she lets us get him during the week. I think it would be good for him to fight custody, but I'm not about to suggest that and open that can of worms that could potentially blow up in his face.