Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
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Anonymous
| I just don't get how you admit your fiancé is a deadbeat dad with no idea what's going on because his ex doesn't tell him anything yet you also seem to believe you know everything going on with this kid. Dad is checked out and mom is handling it on her own which means at best you probably have 20-% of the info. |
Anonymous
They aren't OFFERED to any kid. Again, you have zero clue what it takes to have your child evaluated and found eligible for any kind of services through the school, those are not just "offered" and are in fact often vociferously protested as the school bends every which way to prove the struggling kid does not truly need them. You literally don't even know what you don't know but you don't have the sense to realize how out of your depths you are on this. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry you have had trouble with your child's school system. Maybe you should move to an area that is more accommodating to students with special needs. Not all schools refuse to help their students. I hope you and your child receive the help needed. |
Anonymous
| All the evaluations, accommodations, therapies, and plans in the world may not change this kid. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'll go back to your original concern - your fiance's son's behavior. You and several PPs very quickly jumped to the conclusion that the boy is on the spectrum or has other SN. I'd be careful about diagnosing via DCUM; you obviously don't know a ton about kids or parenting, and we all interpret your descriptions through our own experiences.
Here's my take: 11yo boys can be weird creatures, esp if they are not stereotypically sporty boys. They are ALL socially awkward and occasionally disruptive. It's a tough age to navigate, more so if you've got a big complicated family like this boy seems to do. Whatever his issues, you really need to take a step back and consider what kind of person you are marrying in your fiance, and how you are going to relate to a stepson who may or may not have unaddressed issues. In other words, stop trying to solve the 11yo boy's problems and focus on your own. |
Anonymous
Um my kid is fine. Go take a gander at the special needs board and see what people in MCPS deal with. Not one of them will say their kid was "offered" services and many of them fight tooth and nail year in and year out to make sure the school follows the plan in place. But yet here comes Op with all the answers because she knows some teachers. Maybe one day when her fiancé ditches her and their kids and becomes just as absentee to her and them as he is to this one, she will have to deal with some new girlfriend questioning her parenting and offering their expertise. |
Anonymous
I think you are confusing two different situations. In the general education classroom, for all kids who have not been identified as a student with a disability and given an IEP or 504, what you describe -- that kids who are having difficulties get more attention -- does happen. It is a normal choice about how to expend resources. If all kids have to get over an academic bar, and some can do so easily on their own and others need help, then, of course, the ones who need help are more likely to get it and the ones who can do it on their own are pretty much left, more or less, on autopilot. But, what PPs are describing is something different -- a child who has been diagnosed as having a disorder which "adversely impacts education," and are therefore defined under the law as "disabled". These "disabled" students have a federal right to be "accommodated" or be given "special instruction" so that they too have equal access to and benefit from public education. BTW, "adverse impact on education" is not determined solely by "grades" or "passing". It is an analysis that takes into account the variety of educational tasks. For example, a highly functional autistic kid who is passing with good grades may still be given an IEP because he has difficulty socially in school and this creates problems in class participation and/or group work. That child's IEP may provide for special instruction and support in learning social expectations and communication. A student CAN be getting decent grades and not be getting in trouble and STILL qualify as a "disabled" student who needs accommodation or special instruction. My DS always got As and Bs, even though he has ADHD, a specific learning disability and slow processing issues. He has a relatively high IQ and is able to compensate for his disabilities in a lot of ways, but he still has an IEP. The accommodations and special instruction he gets help him benefit from education in all the ways that a neurotypical child can. BTW, I put "disabilities" in quotes because, of course, these kids are often very able, but just not able in the ways that school expects. |
Anonymous
Well you've probably got more advice then you ever cared to get  . I will just say I am praying that God opens the mom and your fiance's eyes to any mental issues their son (and your soon to be your stepson) may be dealing with. That He will lead them to do what is best for their son and that they will be sensitive to the issues he may be experiencing as he enters into middle school. I believe your heart is in a good place. Continue to do what you can to reach your fiance and continue to lend an ear for his son, where your fiance may not be listening.
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Anonymous
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OP, I am a stepmom to a child with special needs.
Let me start by saying that there is a lot of hostility on this board to stepmothers in general, as if we were all husband stealing, money stealing idiots. Just ignore those unhelpful posts. What you should not ignore is the following: 1) this child appears to have serious social issues that may or may not be stemming from a diagnosable issue. From your description, it does sound like an expression of autism, but regardless I think the key issue here is that your fiance is checked out and oblivious. 2) biomom may or may not be a total flake, may or may not be a saint struggling with 3 kids, but in a way it doesn't matter, or rather, you cannot control it. You have very little say over how she parents her child. But none of this prevents your fiance from stepping up. HE can talk with the school and request an evaluation, he can find and pay for neuropsych, he can and should discuss his child's health and well being with biomom. this is the convo you need to have with him. It has nothing to do with mom. 3) as a stepmom you are in a tenuous position. It is great that you get along well with the child and he seems to trust you and that you are concerned for his happiness and well being. But you really can't do all that much--and even if the parents are totally on board, he may be like this. In other words, you have to decide whether you want to be a steparent to this child. 4) your fiance's obvliousness should be a red flag, particularly if you want to have children with him. What kind of father will he be? 5) If stepchild does have diagnosis, therapies, etc, this is not a cure. It is just what you do, and sometimes you have no idea whether it will work or not. It is challenging, draining emotionally and financially. Keep this in mind if you want to have biokids of your own--time and money are limited resources, all kids need love, attention, but some require extra. Be sure you are okay with that (and consider hte possibility of having a special needs kid of your own and that stress). 6) i'm not trying to scare you away, but I would be hesistant to get married in this situation. I married someone who was on top of his kid's issues, and it is still challenging at times, for all of us. 7) dont focus on bioMom and what she is or isn't doing because it wont help and will just lead to frustration. Dad needs to step up and work with biomom. Your role is to support dad and stepchild, not to run interference with biomom. also, dont take over tasks for Dad that really should be his (working out issues with bioMom, being primary parent to stepchild in the home you two share). I made this mistake early on and have backed away--my DH was all too happy to let me take over a lot of stuff, but it really is his job, with my support. |
Anonymous
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You say the child has not been diagnosed -- I bet the child has never been tested. I second others here that it could be Aspergers, or something else on the autism spectrum plus tics manifesting themselves at the moment vocally (that can change with time.
The child needs comprehensive psychoeducational or neuropsychoeducational testing. |
Anonymous
If you are the OP, you need to start by paying a visit to the child's school's website and read up on how and why services are provided. A school can not refuse to provide services to a student with a documented need for such services but the key is documented. The school simply can't decide based on what they think or feel from general observation and then start providing services. Also look over the information your fiance received from the school and see what has or has not been done. If there are questions, ask your fiance to call and schedule a follow up visit with the school teacher and counselor. The school can not just start providing special services. There has to be documented testing that show there is a need for such services. The school does not automatically provide such testing and in some cases they can't even suggest a child has a problem or even needs testing. The parents must ask for the testing. Once testing is complete, then the school can provide services. A classroom teacher without any information on a diagnosis for a child can try his or her best to modify instruction for a student based on what they observe in the classroom but that is by no means ideal and it is better to have the child formally tested. |
Anonymous
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OP here - didn't expect this thread to still be active.
Fiance's niece (so his son's cousin) was down visiting with her mom (fiance's sister), and he said something really offensive to her about being fat. Fiance was upstairs so didn't hear it, and I just sat there wide-eyed. She straight up asked me what was wrong with him and if he's autistic and why he acts like that as soon as he left the room. I just shrugged and was like "I'm not sure what's going on". She didn't want to say anything to my fiance either. Literally every weekend I have a story about something the son said and did. It's like when a toddler blurts out something in a grocery line and everyone laughs. But he's 11. Is it possible that he just has never been taught proper social behavior or etiquette? That no one corrects him so he just keeps doing it? Or maybe he is attention seeking? Maybe he is just one of those people who is "quirky" but no one has reigned it in to the point of telling him to tone it down. I'm not trying to excuse it and act like my fiance and ignore it, but I don't want to put a label on him either. There is no chance that my fiance or biomom will get him tested. They both don't think there is anything wrong with him and that he's so nice and polite. It's true. He's very nice. He doesn't mean to be rude. But he is. But if I'm gonna be attacked for it, I'm not gonna say anything and get "beaten up" about it by them for suggesting their son has special needs. And if this thread is any indicator, it won't go well bringing it up. |
Anonymous
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Kids who has Asperger's syndrome and some kids who have ADHD typically don't learn social skills by observation. They have to be taught social skills explicitly. They can't read reactions in other people's faces or body language and don't realize when they are being rude. It has to be explained.
If you teach social skills explicitly, they usually can learn them and become pretty functional. If the kid has not been taught social skills, then the kid won't have social skills. |
Anonymous
| Sure, maybe he doesn't have social skills or hasn't been corrected. You could just gently say next time hey that's not ok to say in public and see what happens. |
Anonymous
And keep saying it. Sometimes it takes a while for the child to accept/learn. |