Fiance oblivious to his son's issues

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'd think titling it that my fiance is oblivious would indicate I do not think he's the perfect dad.

He asked one time to borrow the birth certificate and ss card for about 8 hours (when he came over on a Sunday) so he could make copies. I did not realize that was overly onerous and sexist.

I never suggested going to court to get a court order to have her tell us about every doctor appointment. What I have suggested to him is document all the times she has been uncooperative, refused to let him see him, the school issues, etc.

She chose this school in a different county than the one she lives in (she used a family member's address) and is under performing compared to the one he should've attended, because she "wants him to go to school there." Verbatim, the reason gave when asked. There are no special services being offered there. And he gets good grades. So if there are, then they certainly wouldn't go to him, when half the school is free/reduced lunch and ESL. When my fiance said that he would sign him up for school where we live and he can stay with us M-F and we can make sure he gets to/from school on time, she declined.

But if this is the resistance I'm getting from strangers online, than I am certainly not going to push the issue with him. Maybe another family member will say something next time we are at a family function.

EVERY TIME YOU POST YOU PROVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. The bold is *laughable* in its ignorance.

Really? Because I have several friends that are teachers. And the kids in their classes that are getting decent grades and not getting in trouble do not get the attention or resources that other students get who do have difficulties. Is that not true?

I'm so tired of pointing out the many ways you're wrong. First of all you said his school has no special services. Flat out wrong. Second of all, you can get good grades and still be struggling in other ways that require special services like an iep or 504. You don't know this because you know nothing about school or special needs or parenting kids with special needs but you want to pretend you do and it just makes you look like an idiot.

I meant being offered there TO HIM.

They aren't OFFERED to any kid. Again, you have zero clue what it takes to have your child evaluated and found eligible for any kind of services through the school, those are not just "offered" and are in fact often vociferously protested as the school bends every which way to prove the struggling kid does not truly need them. You literally don't even know what you don't know but you don't have the sense to realize how out of your depths you are on this.

I'm sorry you have had trouble with your child's school system. Maybe you should move to an area that is more accommodating to students with special needs. Not all schools refuse to help their students. I hope you and your child receive the help needed.

If you are the OP, you need to start by paying a visit to the child's school's website and read up on how and why services are provided. A school can not refuse to provide services to a student with a documented need for such services but the key is documented. The school simply can't decide based on what they think or feel from general observation and then start providing services.

Also look over the information your fiance received from the school and see what has or has not been done. If there are questions, ask your fiance to call and schedule a follow up visit with the school teacher and counselor.

The school can not just start providing special services. There has to be documented testing that show there is a need for such services. The school does not automatically provide such testing and in some cases they can't even suggest a child has a problem or even needs testing. The parents must ask for the testing. Once testing is complete, then the school can provide services. A classroom teacher without any information on a diagnosis for a child can try his or her best to modify instruction for a student based on what they observe in the classroom but that is by no means ideal and it is better to have the child formally tested.

No, OP doesn't. If anyone, the parents do. I'm a step parent, I also happen to have a child with some mild special needs, so I can see both sides of this but OP is not a parent and she's not even a step parent yet. She's dad's girlfriend. That gives her no power or say over this. Going to the school website and figuring any of this out falls to the kid's parents, if anyone. OP's goal going forward is not to figure out what is wrong with this kid or how to get the parents to agree, it's to decide if she can handle this child and the fact that she can't do anything about this if the parents don't want to or don't think anything is wrong. Being a step parent very often means you are expected to love the kid as a parent but also accept you do not get the say or authority of a parent. So, rather than focusing on what may or may not be going on with this child and how his parents contributed or made it worse, she needs to be looking inward and asking is this really how she wants to spend the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids who has Asperger's syndrome and some kids who have ADHD typically don't learn social skills by observation. They have to be taught social skills explicitly. They can't read reactions in other people's faces or body language and don't realize when they are being rude. It has to be explained.

If you teach social skills explicitly, they usually can learn them and become pretty functional.

If the kid has not been taught social skills, then the kid won't have social skills.

+1. But, being "taught" social skills for a kid with Asperger's or ADHD is more than just the normal "teaching" that goes on between parent and child. It is much more explicit and repetitive over a long period of time.

I get the feeling that OP wants to blame bioMom for not "teaching" social skills, and this is not at all appropriate when the social skills deficit is due to a disorder like Asperger's, ADHD, etc. In these cases, often the parent is teaching social skills in the way that they were taught and in the way that most neurotypical kids would learn, but a kid with a disorder as above needs quite a different more intense instructional style with positive behavioral reinforcement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - didn't expect this thread to still be active.

Fiance's niece (so his son's cousin) was down visiting with her mom (fiance's sister), and he said something really offensive to her about being fat. Fiance was upstairs so didn't hear it, and I just sat there wide-eyed. She straight up asked me what was wrong with him and if he's autistic and why he acts like that as soon as he left the room. I just shrugged and was like "I'm not sure what's going on". She didn't want to say anything to my fiance either.

Literally every weekend I have a story about something the son said and did. It's like when a toddler blurts out something in a grocery line and everyone laughs. But he's 11.

Is it possible that he just has never been taught proper social behavior or etiquette? That no one corrects him so he just keeps doing it? Or maybe he is attention seeking? Maybe he is just one of those people who is "quirky" but no one has reigned it in to the point of telling him to tone it down. I'm not trying to excuse it and act like my fiance and ignore it, but I don't want to put a label on him either.

There is no chance that my fiance or biomom will get him tested. They both don't think there is anything wrong with him and that he's so nice and polite. It's true. He's very nice. He doesn't mean to be rude. But he is. But if I'm gonna be attacked for it, I'm not gonna say anything and get "beaten up" about it by them for suggesting their son has special needs. And if this thread is any indicator, it won't go well bringing it up.

This thread has actually been very supportive of the idea that the kid is probably a good kid with some kind of disorder that might be contributing to a social skills deficit. This thread has corrected lots of misinformation you seemed to have about the possibility of school services to help diagnose and treat the social skills deficit. Where this thread has not gone well for you, is where you have tried to blame bioMom for the social skills deficit and used his school placement as an excuse to suggest change in custody. If you are ready to suggest in a supportive manner to your fiance that you think DSS is a terrific kid and bioMom has been doing a good job, but DSS seems to have inappropriate social skills that might benefit from more support and perhaps an assessment/diagnosis and that that's important so he can feel less anxious and have more friends, then I think that can "go well" for you.

But, if your idea is to raise these issues to criticize bioMom, argue for a change in school placement or custody or plump up bioDad's involvement, then, no, I don't think that's going to go well for you.