Fiance oblivious to his son's issues

[Anonymous]

He doesn't embarrass me. My concern is not so much when we are out. It's when he will be on his own. And first what?

I have zero disdain for him. Clearly my issues lay with his parents who aren't doing anything. And are not picking up on what everyone else around them sees.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to add...we have 3 DS and my DH takes off work every year for locker day since 7 th. One now in 12 th and a great ritual as boys love it. Again, dad needs to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgot to add...we have 3 DS and my DH takes off work every year for locker day since 7 th. One now in 12 th and a great ritual as boys love it. Again, dad needs to be involved.

OP here. I agree. I think he has slacked off with assumptions of what was going on. And last years truancy letter and principals office visit opened his eyes that he can't just go along thinking everything is operating as it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

He wasn't getting to school because mom was running late all the time. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with his son. Son was embarrassed about always being late, actually. That is factual and not in dispute and everyone knows it. She put him in a school he was not supposed to be at, so she had to drive him instead of him taking the bus like he usually did (and didn't have attendance problems then), and she has two other kids and she could not get everyone dressed and ready in time to leave.

So, yes, I do think some of you are projecting. Especially those jumping to the conclusion he is special needs. Instead of just never appropriately taught how to act and social skills and what are things you shouldn't do or say in public. He's going into middle school, and as far as I know, hasn't been identified by anyone at his schools as needing to be evaluated. And again, if he did, they would've informed his mother who did not share that information with his father.

Hahahahaha. Special needs mom here and I laughed out loud when I read the bolded. It is clear that you have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to identifying "special needs" and how school systems "identify" and "serve" those with special needs.

I really encourage you to go over to the DCUM Kids with Special Needs board and start a new thread posting what you see as your step-son's deficits and asking 1) whether or not he could have a "special need" and 2) if so, how to go about getting that "need" identified in a way that the stepson can either receive services in public school or get appropriate private therapy.

Meanwhile let me tell you a few things. The idea that a school would voluntarily identify a child as having a special need and tell the parents (either one) is a huge laugh. They are supposed to do this, but many, many times they do not unless the child is highly dysfunctional (meaning failing, hurting people in school, etc.) The idea of "special needs" comes from federal educational and disability legislation (primarily IDEA and Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act). In order to be identified as "special needs" a child has to have 1) a disorder that 2) adversely impacts education and 3) necessitates special instruction (for an IEP). For a 504 plan, the child just needs 1 and 2.

Many, many, many schools will refuse to identify or serve kids unless they are failing at school. (This is illegal, but schools do it all the time.) Often, even if schools have a child is failing, the school first jumps to "bad parenting" or "emotional problems" or "lack of motivation" rather than considering whether a "disorder" is causing the school problems (i.e. "creating an adverse impact").

You are engaging one of the the classic patterns of stigmatization of special needs kids -- blaming the parent first instead of examining whether a "disorder" could be behind the behavior. You seem to think that the problem is that step-son hasn't been "taught" appropriate social behaviors. Truthfully, most kids absorb social behaviors thru watching all of the people around them (parents, friends, school peers, teachers, etc.) and aligning their behavior. For neurotypical kids, it really won't matter that one person in their galaxy doesn't have time to properly teach them social behavior, because they are getting the instruction implicitly in so many other ways. So, even an over-taxed mom is unlikely to be the cause of serious social dysfunction. But, for "special needs" kids, there is often a "disorder" getting in the way of the easy, implicit way most of the rest of us learn and use these social rules. A "special needs" kid may need very explicit instruction on what the appropriate behavior is. They may need practice in order to be able to do it. And then they may need more instruction on how to recognize when a behavior is appropriate, not just what the appropriate behavior is.

Overall, your posts show red flags for the following "disorders" that the parents should explore -- high functioning autism, language disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, social pragmatic deficit or ADHD. (BTW, the symptom of "not turning in homework" is a classic ADHD symptom, which is often blamed on the parents, as you seem to be doing.) Your stepson could have anyone of these disorders based on your description. It is necessary to test and rule them out before jumping to "he's fine, he's mom is the problem". Many kids go unidentified and without help and grow up thinking they are stupid or lazy instead of getting the necessary help they need. These need to be explored by a full psyched or neuropsych exam which costs 3-5K and is often not reimbursed by insurance. If the family can't afford that, they can ask the school to do it, but as I mentioned above, schools often refuse (illegally) unless the child is failing. Then, even when the school does the assessment, it is often crappy or improperly interpreted so that the parent is again told there is no problem. Read up or post on the special needs board to learn more about this type of situation.

I know many parents who have pleaded with schools to assess and serve their kids with anxiety, depression, learning disability or other "disorders," but the school system refuses. A kid who gets a truancy letter and has had trouble turning in work/grades, is a case that should obviously be screened for "disorder" and school support via an IEP or 504 plan. But it is rare for the school system to raise the possibility of assessment and diagnosis themselves. Usually a parent needs to recognize and start the process. This is even more true considering the oncoming rise to middle school. Kids who were previously able to compensate academically or socially often decompensate and have problems in 3rd, 6th or 9th grade when academic, social and organizational expectations increase.

I am taking you concerns very seriously, OP. It may well be that your stepson needs some help. But, you are absolutely going in the wrong direction by blaming bioMom. It takes tons of time to read up on various "disorders" and figure out your rights under the educational laws. I am a smart single mom educated as a lawyer, and I have spent thousands of hours over the years on this and spent tens of thousands of dollars. I am lucky that together with my family of origin, I have the resources and can find the time to do this. Our BioDad has not contributed in any way. (although, I will say, that when brought a solution that I needed him to agree to, he has never interfered....) I meet many, many parents who don't have the time or knowledge to recognize that there may be a problem. We can't blame parents for not knowing what they don't know. Or for jumping to the wrong conclusion about the cause behind behaviors (as you could be doing).

Rather than blaming bioMom (she put him at a school he was not supposed to be at), why don't you ask why she is doing that and whether she needs help with driving in the AM? Or maybe some other solution -- more money for paid school lunch so she has one less thing to do in the AM? Getting 3 kids ready by yourself in the AM and being on time is not as easy as you think, especially when you are solely responsible for everything else. Ask, why did she chose the special school? Why is the older child not able to help get the younger ones ready if leaving late is a problem (perhaps it is the lack of older child's pragmatic skills...)

[Anonymous]

The last post is very good but it won't get through to op who would rather believe the ex is purposely screwing up this kid and that he could just behave normally if only mom would get it together. Guarantee you if a solution involved more child support for therapies or op driving him to school she suddenly would have a problem with it.

[Anonymous]

On another note, something you might want to take notice of, if your fiance was this checked out about his current child do not expect that if you have a child together he will suddenly turn into SuperSDd and be all involved. Pretty much, what you see is what you are going to get in terms of parenting. If you are envisioning something else, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that even legal: sharing information only with one parent? You keep saying she keeps school and Dr information to herself. Why can't the dad sign up for all grade books/ student accts/ and school emails. All of our school forms ask for info on both parents. He can absolutely do that.

As for Dr, I don't know but maybe a court order that anytime son at Drs. For anything g parent has to be asked to attend or given date and can then call the office for an update.

I'm just thinking out loud about these things but should be really easy to resolve - especially the school stuff.

He went up to the school and asked. She didn't put down his address, just his name. So he added his address. He was put on the email list, but was left off of mailings. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, just a breakdown in the front office I assume.

OP, your assumptions are very sexist. It is not bioMom's obligation to provide this. Schools serve the parents that show up at school and demonstrate an interest in their kids academic life. Your DH has the ability to go to school every year, ask for a copy of son's schedule, make sure all forms and teachers have Dad's info, etc. Your DH can contact the school and find out about Back to School night, Open House, etc., and meet son's teachers, etc. Unless bioMom is somehow also keeping where kids go to school secret, your DH should be taking care of this directly himself. BioMom is not his family life administrator or secretary.

Same with birth certificate and social security info. If bioMom won't share, DH is perfectly capable of contacting the appropriate government offices and getting a duplicate birth certificate and Social security info. Both parents have a right to this info and can get it directly. Again, bioMom is not your DH's family life secretary.

This family administrative stuff takes time. I no longer do it for my ex. I can't tell you how many times he has called me asking for birth certificate and SS #s. I have provided them repeatedly and he has them, but he is just too important to spend time keeping track of these items himself. It is easier for him to call me and try to get me to do it. These requests represent uncompensated work that takes time away from my effort to earn income and the time that I have to build my own relationship with my children. i don't do them any longer. Now, when ex asks, I say, "I gave that to you already. You should have it in your files." or "Search your email, I emailed you those numbers last year." or "Ask your HR person. I gave you those numbers last year when you asked for them for your HR forms." He is responsible for figuring these things out, not me.

Also, re: the doctor -- so what if bioMom doesn't give you doctor info.? If DH is so concerned about having kid seen by a doctor, DH can take son himself. I have never been to a doctor's office where the doctor refused to see my child because I didn't have a permission slip from ex-spouse. Also, in all the psychiatrists and psychologists that my children have seen for assessment purposes for getting a disorder diagnosed and an IEP set up at school, I have only once been asked by a psychologist to have both parents sign the intake form giving permission for medical treatment or assessment. So, again, you are blaming bioMom for not doing or sharing things that you can just do yourself directly.

Frankly, if you try to go to court to get a court order that bioMom has to tell you about every doctor's appointment, the court will be irritated that you are wasting valuable court time on something that DH can take care of directly.

Grow up. Stop blaming bio Mom and seeing your DH as perfect Dad. Stop thinking you are a better parent than bioParents. Acknowledge that everyone is probably doing their best even if their best is not perfect. Educate yourself. Think about what positive, supportive contribution you can make.

[Anonymous]

I'd think titling it that my fiance is oblivious would indicate I do not think he's the perfect dad.

He asked one time to borrow the birth certificate and ss card for about 8 hours (when he came over on a Sunday) so he could make copies. I did not realize that was overly onerous and sexist.

I never suggested going to court to get a court order to have her tell us about every doctor appointment. What I have suggested to him is document all the times she has been uncooperative, refused to let him see him, the school issues, etc.

She chose this school in a different county than the one she lives in (she used a family member's address) and is under performing compared to the one he should've attended, because she "wants him to go to school there." Verbatim, the reason gave when asked. There are no special services being offered there. And he gets good grades. So if there are, then they certainly wouldn't go to him, when half the school is free/reduced lunch and ESL. When my fiance said that he would sign him up for school where we live and he can stay with us M-F and we can make sure he gets to/from school on time, she declined.

But if this is the resistance I'm getting from strangers online, than I am certainly not going to push the issue with him. Maybe another family member will say something next time we are at a family function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd think titling it that my fiance is oblivious would indicate I do not think he's the perfect dad.

He asked one time to borrow the birth certificate and ss card for about 8 hours (when he came over on a Sunday) so he could make copies. I did not realize that was overly onerous and sexist.

I never suggested going to court to get a court order to have her tell us about every doctor appointment. What I have suggested to him is document all the times she has been uncooperative, refused to let him see him, the school issues, etc.

She chose this school in a different county than the one she lives in (she used a family member's address) and is under performing compared to the one he should've attended, because she "wants him to go to school there." Verbatim, the reason gave when asked. There are no special services being offered there. And he gets good grades. So if there are, then they certainly wouldn't go to him, when half the school is free/reduced lunch and ESL. When my fiance said that he would sign him up for school where we live and he can stay with us M-F and we can make sure he gets to/from school on time, she declined.

But if this is the resistance I'm getting from strangers online, than I am certainly not going to push the issue with him. Maybe another family member will say something next time we are at a family function.

EVERY TIME YOU POST YOU PROVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. The bold is *laughable* in its ignorance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd think titling it that my fiance is oblivious would indicate I do not think he's the perfect dad.

He asked one time to borrow the birth certificate and ss card for about 8 hours (when he came over on a Sunday) so he could make copies. I did not realize that was overly onerous and sexist.

I never suggested going to court to get a court order to have her tell us about every doctor appointment. What I have suggested to him is document all the times she has been uncooperative, refused to let him see him, the school issues, etc.

She chose this school in a different county than the one she lives in (she used a family member's address) and is under performing compared to the one he should've attended, because she "wants him to go to school there." Verbatim, the reason gave when asked. There are no special services being offered there. And he gets good grades. So if there are, then they certainly wouldn't go to him, when half the school is free/reduced lunch and ESL. When my fiance said that he would sign him up for school where we live and he can stay with us M-F and we can make sure he gets to/from school on time, she declined.

But if this is the resistance I'm getting from strangers online, than I am certainly not going to push the issue with him. Maybe another family member will say something next time we are at a family function.

EVERY TIME YOU POST YOU PROVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. The bold is *laughable* in its ignorance.

Really? Because I have several friends that are teachers. And the kids in their classes that are getting decent grades and not getting in trouble do not get the attention or resources that other students get who do have difficulties. Is that not true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd think titling it that my fiance is oblivious would indicate I do not think he's the perfect dad.

He asked one time to borrow the birth certificate and ss card for about 8 hours (when he came over on a Sunday) so he could make copies. I did not realize that was overly onerous and sexist.

I never suggested going to court to get a court order to have her tell us about every doctor appointment. What I have suggested to him is document all the times she has been uncooperative, refused to let him see him, the school issues, etc.

She chose this school in a different county than the one she lives in (she used a family member's address) and is under performing compared to the one he should've attended, because she "wants him to go to school there." Verbatim, the reason gave when asked. There are no special services being offered there. And he gets good grades. So if there are, then they certainly wouldn't go to him, when half the school is free/reduced lunch and ESL. When my fiance said that he would sign him up for school where we live and he can stay with us M-F and we can make sure he gets to/from school on time, she declined.

But if this is the resistance I'm getting from strangers online, than I am certainly not going to push the issue with him. Maybe another family member will say something next time we are at a family function.

EVERY TIME YOU POST YOU PROVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. The bold is *laughable* in its ignorance.

Really? Because I have several friends that are teachers. And the kids in their classes that are getting decent grades and not getting in trouble do not get the attention or resources that other students get who do have difficulties. Is that not true?

I'm so tired of pointing out the many ways you're wrong. First of all you said his school has no special services. Flat out wrong. Second of all, you can get good grades and still be struggling in other ways that require special services like an iep or 504. You don't know this because you know nothing about school or special needs or parenting kids with special needs but you want to pretend you do and it just makes you look like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd think titling it that my fiance is oblivious would indicate I do not think he's the perfect dad.

He asked one time to borrow the birth certificate and ss card for about 8 hours (when he came over on a Sunday) so he could make copies. I did not realize that was overly onerous and sexist.

I never suggested going to court to get a court order to have her tell us about every doctor appointment. What I have suggested to him is document all the times she has been uncooperative, refused to let him see him, the school issues, etc.

She chose this school in a different county than the one she lives in (she used a family member's address) and is under performing compared to the one he should've attended, because she "wants him to go to school there." Verbatim, the reason gave when asked. There are no special services being offered there. And he gets good grades. So if there are, then they certainly wouldn't go to him, when half the school is free/reduced lunch and ESL. When my fiance said that he would sign him up for school where we live and he can stay with us M-F and we can make sure he gets to/from school on time, she declined.

But if this is the resistance I'm getting from strangers online, than I am certainly not going to push the issue with him. Maybe another family member will say something next time we are at a family function.

EVERY TIME YOU POST YOU PROVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. The bold is *laughable* in its ignorance.

Really? Because I have several friends that are teachers. And the kids in their classes that are getting decent grades and not getting in trouble do not get the attention or resources that other students get who do have difficulties. Is that not true?

I'm so tired of pointing out the many ways you're wrong. First of all you said his school has no special services. Flat out wrong. Second of all, you can get good grades and still be struggling in other ways that require special services like an iep or 504. You don't know this because you know nothing about school or special needs or parenting kids with special needs but you want to pretend you do and it just makes you look like an idiot.

I meant being offered there TO HIM.

[Anonymous]

But again, it doesn't matter, I will sit my "ignorant" ass down and let his parents continue to parent the way they are and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd think titling it that my fiance is oblivious would indicate I do not think he's the perfect dad.

He asked one time to borrow the birth certificate and ss card for about 8 hours (when he came over on a Sunday) so he could make copies. I did not realize that was overly onerous and sexist.

I never suggested going to court to get a court order to have her tell us about every doctor appointment. What I have suggested to him is document all the times she has been uncooperative, refused to let him see him, the school issues, etc.

She chose this school in a different county than the one she lives in (she used a family member's address) and is under performing compared to the one he should've attended, because she "wants him to go to school there." Verbatim, the reason gave when asked. There are no special services being offered there. And he gets good grades. So if there are, then they certainly wouldn't go to him, when half the school is free/reduced lunch and ESL. When my fiance said that he would sign him up for school where we live and he can stay with us M-F and we can make sure he gets to/from school on time, she declined.

But if this is the resistance I'm getting from strangers online, than I am certainly not going to push the issue with him. Maybe another family member will say something next time we are at a family function.

Yes, but do you realize you are also not the perfect stepmom?

Also realize that if you split it up, he will bad mouth you and make you out to be the crazy one just like he is doing with his ex.

There could be many reasons she choose that school that she simply didn't tell you about.

Also, if your fiance was that checked out that he didn't bother to have any of the school info until this year, how can you really believe him when he says that his ex doesn't get therapy or services for her son? He doesn't seem to know much of anything that is going on with his kid.

How nice of you to pass judgement on the mom who is trying to wrangle three kids out of the house in the morning. You might be surprised to know that it's not always the most easy task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd think titling it that my fiance is oblivious would indicate I do not think he's the perfect dad.

He asked one time to borrow the birth certificate and ss card for about 8 hours (when he came over on a Sunday) so he could make copies. I did not realize that was overly onerous and sexist.

I never suggested going to court to get a court order to have her tell us about every doctor appointment. What I have suggested to him is document all the times she has been uncooperative, refused to let him see him, the school issues, etc.

She chose this school in a different county than the one she lives in (she used a family member's address) and is under performing compared to the one he should've attended, because she "wants him to go to school there." Verbatim, the reason gave when asked. There are no special services being offered there. And he gets good grades. So if there are, then they certainly wouldn't go to him, when half the school is free/reduced lunch and ESL. When my fiance said that he would sign him up for school where we live and he can stay with us M-F and we can make sure he gets to/from school on time, she declined.

But if this is the resistance I'm getting from strangers online, than I am certainly not going to push the issue with him. Maybe another family member will say something next time we are at a family function.

Yes, but do you realize you are also not the perfect stepmom?

Also realize that if you split it up, he will bad mouth you and make you out to be the crazy one just like he is doing with his ex.

There could be many reasons she choose that school that she simply didn't tell you about.

Also, if your fiance was that checked out that he didn't bother to have any of the school info until this year, how can you really believe him when he says that his ex doesn't get therapy or services for her son? He doesn't seem to know much of anything that is going on with his kid.

How nice of you to pass judgement on the mom who is trying to wrangle three kids out of the house in the morning. You might be surprised to know that it's not always the most easy task.

Never claimed to be the perfect stepmom. He didn't badmouth her. In fact, he went out of the way to talk kindly about her, which I think is why he is now embarrassed that all this stuff is coming out about school and how she has acted towards me and the behavior shift towards him and being uncooperative. I think it's also why he assumed she had everything together, as far as the kids go. You can believe me or not, but she sends him there just because she wants to. She will tell you that. The son will tell you. Her older son (different dad) who also goes to school out of district will tell you. Her fiance will tell you. And the youngest (with biomom and fiance) isn't in school yet. They all live together. The oldest is in high school and can get himself dressed and ready. He doesn't have any of the same issues as my fiance's son. I know this because he will sometimes spend time at our house since he doesn't have a relationship with his bio-father and spends most of his time with his grandma and fiance doesn't like when he goes and only picks up just his son all the time if the older one is there. And her fiance is there to help with the youngest. She is not a struggling single mother living by herself with no help and 3 little kids.

His son isn't a liar. He does not have one ill-intentioned bone in his body. Anytime he does or says something that is hurtful he does not intend to hurt them. And he shares information freely. (too freely in public) If he were seeing a therapist, or having counseling, we'd know. That's how we found out about the meeting with the principal, he told us because it was something new that happened in school that week.