Fiance oblivious to his son's issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the other replies but I don't agree with the post about you just not liking this kid. Sounds like he has real issues and no one is doing anything about it.

Before you even attempt to marry this guy, make sure he comes to grips with all this and deals with it. Just how do you suppose he'll be with your future child? Scary isn't it.

That's not what it sounds like at all. It sounds like OP has the mistaken belief you can just "do" something about special needs. She has no idea what goes on at his moms house or how much work might be put into working with him that makes minimal difference or falls by the wayside when he's at dad's. Instead she just wants to blame mom, because that's cool. Op has no business inserting herself into this issue anymore than she has. If she can't handle the child as he is, the good news for her is she doesn't have to.

I don't get all of you who are attacking OP. If this kid turns suicidal or into a school shooter some day you'll be the first ones telling that the dad and stepmother should have been doing something about his issues. She sees a problem and wants to explore the options, but can't do that if Dad is in denial. To me, it sounds like this kid is asking for help and she's the only one listening. Maybe there's nothing that can completely fix it all, but if you don't try to help, how will you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the other replies but I don't agree with the post about you just not liking this kid. Sounds like he has real issues and no one is doing anything about it.

Before you even attempt to marry this guy, make sure he comes to grips with all this and deals with it. Just how do you suppose he'll be with your future child? Scary isn't it.

That's not what it sounds like at all. It sounds like OP has the mistaken belief you can just "do" something about special needs. She has no idea what goes on at his moms house or how much work might be put into working with him that makes minimal difference or falls by the wayside when he's at dad's. Instead she just wants to blame mom, because that's cool. Op has no business inserting herself into this issue anymore than she has. If she can't handle the child as he is, the good news for her is she doesn't have to.

I don't get all of you who are attacking OP. If this kid turns suicidal or into a school shooter some day you'll be the first ones telling that the dad and stepmother should have been doing something about his issues. She sees a problem and wants to explore the options, but can't do that if Dad is in denial. To me, it sounds like this kid is asking for help and she's the only one listening. Maybe there's nothing that can completely fix it all, but if you don't try to help, how will you know?

I'm attacking OP because *she has no idea* what his mom does for him which is probably a fuckton, but because the kid isn't normal, she thinks mom is doing nothing. So much time and effort and money is poured into kids with special needs and sometimes it doesn't show and sometimes the kids will just never function like typical kids, but that doesn't mean the parents are doing nothing. OP isn't a parent, let alone THIS kid's parent, and probably has zero idea what it's like to parent a kid with special needs full time. So she's going to just rag on the kid and act like because his dad can't make him behave like a typical kid that nobody is doing anything for him. I think of all the IEP meetings I've attended for my kid, the doctor's appointments, the talks with teachers, and this is for MILD learning disabilities, and it ticks me off to think that this kid's mom is probably doing all of this by herself behind the scenes so OP can come here and play Hollywood Savior Stepmom.

[Anonymous]

^^ you are not reading and projecting your issues here, PP.

OP says the child wasn't even getting to school to the point of a truancy letter and meeting at school due to excessive absences, and does not have any diagnosed special needs or receiving any services in school.

Those are the facts of this particular situation, and entirely different from what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ you are not reading and projecting your issues here, PP.

OP says the child wasn't even getting to school to the point of a truancy letter and meeting at school due to excessive absences, and does not have any diagnosed special needs or receiving any services in school.

Those are the facts of this particular situation, and entirely different from what you are talking about.

No it's not. She has no idea why he wasn't getting to school. Maybe he freaked out about bullying and his mom could not get him to go. Maybe any other number of things is going on. But because the ex wife doesn't like her, she wants to pretend she's just a shit mom who doesn't care about her weird kid. I'm not projecting anything because luckily my life doesn't involve some girlfriend acting like she knows how to parent my kid better than I do. Op needs to butt out of this and either accept how this child is being parented BY HIS PARENTS or recuse herself from the relationship. Period.

[Anonymous]

Also OP says herself he's never been diagnosed with anything. That doesn't mean he SHOULD have a diagnosis necessarily. Maybe he is just a quirky kid who's socially awkward. I mean one of her examples was that he shut a basement door because kids down there were being noisy. That is... Not an indicator of special needs. Maybe he's been evaluated and doesn't have anything and just is a bit weird and awkward. Op is not a doctor or special educator or even a parent so who the hell is she to armchair diagnose this poor kid?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

He wasn't getting to school because mom was running late all the time. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with his son. Son was embarrassed about always being late, actually. That is factual and not in dispute and everyone knows it. She put him in a school he was not supposed to be at, so she had to drive him instead of him taking the bus like he usually did (and didn't have attendance problems then), and she has two other kids and she could not get everyone dressed and ready in time to leave.

So, yes, I do think some of you are projecting. Especially those jumping to the conclusion he is special needs. Instead of just never appropriately taught how to act and social skills and what are things you shouldn't do or say in public. He's going into middle school, and as far as I know, hasn't been identified by anyone at his schools as needing to be evaluated. And again, if he did, they would've informed his mother who did not share that information with his father.

[Anonymous]

Many PP seem to think it is inappropriate for a step-parent (like OP) to be raising these issues. Not sure how that is relevant to offering a solution/advice that is helpful to the child - your reply should be the same is OP were a grandparent or uncle/aunt to this child. I hope PPs wouldn't tell them to abandon their grandchild/niece/nephew, or tell them that because they aren't a "parent" they don't have the standing to raise any concerns about a child in their lives.

A child benefits when the people who love them are looking out for them. Obviously only the parents/guardians get to make the decisions, but OP shouldn't get criticized for raising her concerns.

OP, I sympathize with your position. Being a step-parent is tough, as you care deeply for your stepchild, but have no additional influence over how they are raised other than being a positive presence in their life.

That's actually my advice to you - do your best to influence your fiance to get the help your future stepchild needs, understanding (and I mean really, truly understanding) that you might never be able to do anything about the situation and that your fiance never really has to listen to you about his child. He may never agree with or act on any of your concerns, and there is nothing you can do about it.

You need to be honest with yourself about your tolerance for that dynamic, and how it can negatively influence your relationship with your fiance, his child, and the child's mother. If this limitation within your new family is a deal-breaker for you, even if you love your fiance and his child, you should reconsider being in the relationship. If you can accept it, and focus on the fact that you love your future step-child even if you can't do anything for him other than occasionally talk, you have a much better chance of creating a happy family environment.

[Anonymous]

Or, I suppose I can just say nothing more, don't address it again and let it continue and his son get ostracized at school and made fun of and continue to act inappropriately in public, so I don't look like the bitter stepmom. Because that seems like the most helpful solution for him. And certainly won't have any long-term impact on his psyche.

I've taken him out and had complete strangers make comments to me. Adult strangers! ("Did he really just say that?") But I'm sure middle school kids will be nicer.

[Anonymous]

Is that even legal: sharing information only with one parent? You keep saying she keeps school and Dr information to herself. Why can't the dad sign up for all grade books/ student accts/ and school emails. All of our school forms ask for info on both parents. He can absolutely do that.

As for Dr, I don't know but maybe a court order that anytime son at Drs. For anything g parent has to be asked to attend or given date and can then call the office for an update.

I'm just thinking out loud about these things but should be really easy to resolve - especially the school stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that even legal: sharing information only with one parent? You keep saying she keeps school and Dr information to herself. Why can't the dad sign up for all grade books/ student accts/ and school emails. All of our school forms ask for info on both parents. He can absolutely do that.

As for Dr, I don't know but maybe a court order that anytime son at Drs. For anything g parent has to be asked to attend or given date and can then call the office for an update.

I'm just thinking out loud about these things but should be really easy to resolve - especially the school stuff.

He went up to the school and asked. She didn't put down his address, just his name. So he added his address. He was put on the email list, but was left off of mailings. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, just a breakdown in the front office I assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

He wasn't getting to school because mom was running late all the time. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with his son. Son was embarrassed about always being late, actually. That is factual and not in dispute and everyone knows it. She put him in a school he was not supposed to be at, so she had to drive him instead of him taking the bus like he usually did (and didn't have attendance problems then), and she has two other kids and she could not get everyone dressed and ready in time to leave.

So, yes, I do think some of you are projecting. Especially those jumping to the conclusion he is special needs. Instead of just never appropriately taught how to act and social skills and what are things you shouldn't do or say in public. He's going into middle school, and as far as I know, hasn't been identified by anyone at his schools as needing to be evaluated. And again, if he did, they would've informed his mother who did not share that information with his father.

OP, a child who does not understand how to behave appropriately in public by middle school has special needs. By definition.

[Anonymous]

When he asks for anything, like birth certificate, SS card, ID card, she says he doesn't need it, because she claims him on taxes and she takes him to the doctor, so he doesn't need those things. She actually wrote that in a text message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or, I suppose I can just say nothing more, don't address it again and let it continue and his son get ostracized at school and made fun of and continue to act inappropriately in public, so I don't look like the bitter stepmom. Because that seems like the most helpful solution for him. And certainly won't have any long-term impact on his psyche.

I've taken him out and had complete strangers make comments to me. Adult strangers! ("Did he really just say that?") But I'm sure middle school kids will be nicer.

We get it op. He's weird and it embarrasses you. You just want your fiancé to agree that both his kid and his kid's mom suck so you can feel better about not being first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many PP seem to think it is inappropriate for a step-parent (like OP) to be raising these issues. Not sure how that is relevant to offering a solution/advice that is helpful to the child - your reply should be the same is OP were a grandparent or uncle/aunt to this child. I hope PPs wouldn't tell them to abandon their grandchild/niece/nephew, or tell them that because they aren't a "parent" they don't have the standing to raise any concerns about a child in their lives.

A child benefits when the people who love them are looking out for them. Obviously only the parents/guardians get to make the decisions, but OP shouldn't get criticized for raising her concerns.

OP, I sympathize with your position. Being a step-parent is tough, as you care deeply for your stepchild, but have no additional influence over how they are raised other than being a positive presence in their life.

That's actually my advice to you - do your best to influence your fiance to get the help your future stepchild needs, understanding (and I mean really, truly understanding) that you might never be able to do anything about the situation and that your fiance never really has to listen to you about his child. He may never agree with or act on any of your concerns, and there is nothing you can do about it.

You need to be honest with yourself about your tolerance for that dynamic, and how it can negatively influence your relationship with your fiance, his child, and the child's mother. If this limitation within your new family is a deal-breaker for you, even if you love your fiance and his child, you should reconsider being in the relationship. If you can accept it, and focus on the fact that you love your future step-child even if you can't do anything for him other than occasionally talk, you have a much better chance of creating a happy family environment.

It's inappropriate because op is clearly not coming from a loving place. Her every comment drips with disdain for this kid. We're supposed to kiss her butt for coming in at age 11 and lambasting his parents and acting like she knows best? She's not even dad's wife which means she's a non-factor.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so this year your fiancé needs to go to locker day/back to school night/ and new parent orientation. Do not let her say no or let him have an excuse. He absolutely needs to and meet all the teachers.

They all have slips of paper in the rooms asking for parent emails. He needs a copy of DS schedule. He needs name of school counselor. All their contact info is on web. Ex cannot co from that.

If in MS, dad can get a weekly progress report by email - automatically generated. Or, he can check gradebook daily. No excuses. This guy needs to be more involved DAILY! Technology will allow him to do so. Even text his son every AM, after school, at night.