Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous]It's going to be really hard, OP.  That's the best-case scenario.  You should read Stepmonster, Sandcastles Divorce, and The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

Do not expect these kids to like you.  They might, while they are young and naive, or they might go along to keep the peace.  But their lives have been very seriously disrupted, and are just starting to settle down-- but along you come to disrupt everything again!  Make sure you have age-appropriate and divorce-appropriate expectations for the children's behavior.  Many a childless 2nd wife has screwed up her relationship by not being realistic about normal child development.

Do not fall into the naive 2nd wife trap of blaming the ex-wife for everything.  Understand what role he played in the failure of his marriage.  He is equally responsible for raising the children, and equally at fault for whatever you don't like about the way they're being raised.

Understand that you will be financially, logistically, and emotionally linked with this other household.  If his ex loses her job, re-marries, has more kids or step-kids, has a serious illness, etc., it will affect your household as well.  Family travel plans will have to be cleared with all.  The schedule will be constantly changing and logistics will require a lot of time and attention.  You won't be able to re-locate, at least until they go to college.  It doesn't stop when they kids turn 18-- they still need to be parented and may return to the home.  Also, be prepared that you may have full custody if anything happens to his ex or if the kids decide they want to live with their dad as teenagers.  If you want to parent your future child in a significantly different style, that will be tough for everyone.

Your baby will be one of three.  He or she will not have the idyllic early childhood with the full attention of two parents.  Your husband will always be spread too thin financially, logistically, and emotionally.  He will probably not handle it well-- most men don't.  Try to make sure he understands what he's signing up for.

Lower your expectations to the absolute rock bottom and then some.  Apparently it takes about 5 years to "blend" and even then sometimes it never really works.  [/quote]

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