Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do).  I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him.  I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that.  I have too much respect for my husband.   He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do.  You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years.  Why in 10 years?  If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her.  Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now.   I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc.  Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that?  This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years.  This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters:  they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done.  This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary.  Give your wife her future now.  Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).  [/quote]  You don't know the question I'm asking?  Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc.  It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect.  I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido.  I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that.  I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings.  Even she wouldn't care.  Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her.  I couldn't care less.  It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her."  [u]Let her[/u] find someone else?  I don't have her chained down.  I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life.  If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go.  I know they are out there. 
 I'm not stopping her.  Really, I'm not.  And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____.  I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world.  Either way, she is free to go.  She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her.  She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

[b]As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating.  Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons[/b] but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything.  I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her.  I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together.  I told her that as kindly as possible many times.  And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her.  It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage.  So feel sorry for her if you like.  She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it.  Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection.  I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal.  Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation.  If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me.  But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.[/quote]

The bold is actually the crux of what you're doing in your own words.  You do not tell her you are getting sex outside the marriage because it is not in your own interest.  As another PP said above, you basically want to manipulate the situation so that you still get a value out of having a wife -- not sure quite what that is for you, maybe power, revenge, the feeling that you are not risking any money that could be lost in divorce, having a woman in the home to do work for you, having someone who participates (or maybe does most) of the work of parenting....

Whatever the reason it is clear that it is justified to you, and you go on to explain that you think it isn't "totally" unfair, and that you've told her in some words, that you don't accept not getting sex from her.

For me and my morals, I really don't understand why you don't take the next step and say, "since you aren't interested in having sex any more, I am going to go ahead and get my need for sex fulfilled outside the marriage, but since there are other things I value about our marriage/life, I am not filing for divorce.  I prefer to remain married but just have sex outside the marriage."

But, it's clear that you fear that if you did something like that, you would no longer be in control of the situation or there would be some kind of negative consequence for you, whether tangible or simply emotional.

On the one hand, you seem pretty narcissistic, so it's hard to feel bad for you.  On the other hand, the fact that your wife stopped sleeping with you clearly hurts you emotionally (although you would deny that), and much of what you write about your attitude seems like an effort to "get back at her" via cheating in a kind of subtextual way.  The cheating clearly makes you feel like you hold the upper hand and are the "winner" in some sense.

Your contempt for her (and women in general) drips from the page, so much so that it's hard to imagine that you can successfully compartmentalize that from seeping into your real relationship with her.

I really hope you don't have kids. [/quote]

YES.  He's definitely a narc who twists things to his advantage and his contempt for his wife (and women in general) does drop form the page.  I hope he doesn't have kids either.  What horrible lessons to pass down to kids.  [/quote]

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