When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and if I saw that my husband really was invested into kids, family time, their development dialogue with school I definitely would say yes to an open marriage. Particular if she’s not interested in sex or remarrying in general in the future and staying in that marriage not “wasting” her time in terms of potentially serious relationships. At least until kids are off to college. I’ve lived through the hassle of divorce fighting, moving, new living arrangement and then my child torn between 2 households.
So I do recommend and encourage an open dialogue between spouses about ways of addressing their needs. It’s way healthier than cheating which creates a lot of animosity and costly divorces

Have you ever been divorced, cheated on, or had an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and if I saw that my husband really was invested into kids, family time, their development dialogue with school I definitely would say yes to an open marriage. Particular if she’s not interested in sex or remarrying in general in the future and staying in that marriage not “wasting” her time in terms of potentially serious relationships. At least until kids are off to college. I’ve lived through the hassle of divorce fighting, moving, new living arrangement and then my child torn between 2 households.
So I do recommend and encourage an open dialogue between spouses about ways of addressing their needs. It’s way healthier than cheating which creates a lot of animosity and costly divorces

Have you ever been divorced, cheated on, or had an open marriage?

Yes, divorced last year after 16 years of marriage (he cheated for the last 5 years of it). Our marriage by far was not "sexless". I was significantly younger and initiated sex, but he just seemed to have very low libido. He was that "cosy" husband in glasses and a sweater, always with contractors at backyard, watching his TV or traveling for work. Little that I knew he was cheating with a married colleague of him, possibly, since 2012.
His cheating brought a very unhealthy dynamic in our divorce (cutting of financial accounts, secretly sending money to AP and registering assets to her name while still being married). In fact I learned about AP when I found out a suspicious banking transaction on an account he thought was separate, but the bank included me in a statement. Also he behaved totally deranged during divorce, abusive verbally and physically. Screaming I was nobody (because his AP was an executive and while I worked, my "main" job was my family) etc.

Currently we are still at war over parenting differences with our son, and he's in the middle.

I wish my exH ever spoke to me about his needs, and I certainly would have tried an open marriage knowing now he was probably polygamous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and if I saw that my husband really was invested into kids, family time, their development dialogue with school I definitely would say yes to an open marriage. Particular if she’s not interested in sex or remarrying in general in the future and staying in that marriage not “wasting” her time in terms of potentially serious relationships. At least until kids are off to college. I’ve lived through the hassle of divorce fighting, moving, new living arrangement and then my child torn between 2 households.
So I do recommend and encourage an open dialogue between spouses about ways of addressing their needs. It’s way healthier than cheating which creates a lot of animosity and costly divorces

Have you ever been divorced, cheated on, or had an open marriage?

Yes, divorced last year after 16 years of marriage (he cheated for the last 5 years of it). Our marriage by far was not "sexless". I was significantly younger and initiated sex, but he just seemed to have very low libido. He was that "cosy" husband in glasses and a sweater, always with contractors at backyard, watching his TV or traveling for work. Little that I knew he was cheating with a married colleague of him, possibly, since 2012.
His cheating brought a very unhealthy dynamic in our divorce (cutting of financial accounts, secretly sending money to AP and registering assets to her name while still being married). In fact I learned about AP when I found out a suspicious banking transaction on an account he thought was separate, but the bank included me in a statement. Also he behaved totally deranged during divorce, abusive verbally and physically. Screaming I was nobody (because his AP was an executive and while I worked, my "main" job was my family) etc.

Currently we are still at war over parenting differences with our son, and he's in the middle.

I wish my exH ever spoke to me about his needs, and I certainly would have tried an open marriage knowing now he was probably polygamous.

Sorry forgot to add: and I think that I myself would have benefited from an open marriage, instead of being "faithful" at the expense of being sexually deprived since age 35. I was watching porn while he was on business trips sleeping around. Funny, huh? I am totally fine looking, slim and attractive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and if I saw that my husband really was invested into kids, family time, their development dialogue with school I definitely would say yes to an open marriage. Particular if she’s not interested in sex or remarrying in general in the future and staying in that marriage not “wasting” her time in terms of potentially serious relationships. At least until kids are off to college. I’ve lived through the hassle of divorce fighting, moving, new living arrangement and then my child torn between 2 households.
So I do recommend and encourage an open dialogue between spouses about ways of addressing their needs. It’s way healthier than cheating which creates a lot of animosity and costly divorces

Have you ever been divorced, cheated on, or had an open marriage?

Yes, divorced last year after 16 years of marriage (he cheated for the last 5 years of it). Our marriage by far was not "sexless". I was significantly younger and initiated sex, but he just seemed to have very low libido. He was that "cosy" husband in glasses and a sweater, always with contractors at backyard, watching his TV or traveling for work. Little that I knew he was cheating with a married colleague of him, possibly, since 2012.
His cheating brought a very unhealthy dynamic in our divorce (cutting of financial accounts, secretly sending money to AP and registering assets to her name while still being married). In fact I learned about AP when I found out a suspicious banking transaction on an account he thought was separate, but the bank included me in a statement. Also he behaved totally deranged during divorce, abusive verbally and physically. Screaming I was nobody (because his AP was an executive and while I worked, my "main" job was my family) etc.

Currently we are still at war over parenting differences with our son, and he's in the middle.

I wish my exH ever spoke to me about his needs, and I certainly would have tried an open marriage knowing now he was probably polygamous.

Sorry forgot to add: and I think that I myself would have benefited from an open marriage, instead of being "faithful" at the expense of being sexually deprived since age 35. I was watching porn while he was on business trips sleeping around. Funny, huh? I am totally fine looking, slim and attractive

I am one of the men who is being attacked here and I have to say, I am sorry you went through this. It sounds awful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and if I saw that my husband really was invested into kids, family time, their development dialogue with school I definitely would say yes to an open marriage. Particular if she’s not interested in sex or remarrying in general in the future and staying in that marriage not “wasting” her time in terms of potentially serious relationships. At least until kids are off to college. I’ve lived through the hassle of divorce fighting, moving, new living arrangement and then my child torn between 2 households.
So I do recommend and encourage an open dialogue between spouses about ways of addressing their needs. It’s way healthier than cheating which creates a lot of animosity and costly divorces

Have you ever been divorced, cheated on, or had an open marriage?

Yes, divorced last year after 16 years of marriage (he cheated for the last 5 years of it). Our marriage by far was not "sexless". I was significantly younger and initiated sex, but he just seemed to have very low libido. He was that "cosy" husband in glasses and a sweater, always with contractors at backyard, watching his TV or traveling for work. Little that I knew he was cheating with a married colleague of him, possibly, since 2012.
His cheating brought a very unhealthy dynamic in our divorce (cutting of financial accounts, secretly sending money to AP and registering assets to her name while still being married). In fact I learned about AP when I found out a suspicious banking transaction on an account he thought was separate, but the bank included me in a statement. Also he behaved totally deranged during divorce, abusive verbally and physically. Screaming I was nobody (because his AP was an executive and while I worked, my "main" job was my family) etc.

Currently we are still at war over parenting differences with our son, and he's in the middle.

I wish my exH ever spoke to me about his needs, and I certainly would have tried an open marriage knowing now he was probably polygamous.

Sorry forgot to add: and I think that I myself would have benefited from an open marriage, instead of being "faithful" at the expense of being sexually deprived since age 35. I was watching porn while he was on business trips sleeping around. Funny, huh? I am totally fine looking, slim and attractive

I am one of the men who is being attacked here and I have to say, I am sorry you went through this. It sounds awful

A man who leaves their wife to care for children, including a special needs child, and don’t take on significant parental duties, and then seeks divorce for a sex partner: what’s not to love?

Cheated always play the victim. I bet your wife has the kids right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need less/no sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not unilaterally cease intimacy while still married, and deny their partner the ability to have sex while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage with no sex.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced if you don’t want a sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, we don’t need to have sex, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and if I saw that my husband really was invested into kids, family time, their development dialogue with school I definitely would say yes to an open marriage. Particular if she’s not interested in sex or remarrying in general in the future and staying in that marriage not “wasting” her time in terms of potentially serious relationships. At least until kids are off to college. I’ve lived through the hassle of divorce fighting, moving, new living arrangement and then my child torn between 2 households.
So I do recommend and encourage an open dialogue between spouses about ways of addressing their needs. It’s way healthier than cheating which creates a lot of animosity and costly divorces

Have you ever been divorced, cheated on, or had an open marriage?

Yes, divorced last year after 16 years of marriage (he cheated for the last 5 years of it). Our marriage by far was not "sexless". I was significantly younger and initiated sex, but he just seemed to have very low libido. He was that "cosy" husband in glasses and a sweater, always with contractors at backyard, watching his TV or traveling for work. Little that I knew he was cheating with a married colleague of him, possibly, since 2012.
His cheating brought a very unhealthy dynamic in our divorce (cutting of financial accounts, secretly sending money to AP and registering assets to her name while still being married). In fact I learned about AP when I found out a suspicious banking transaction on an account he thought was separate, but the bank included me in a statement. Also he behaved totally deranged during divorce, abusive verbally and physically. Screaming I was nobody (because his AP was an executive and while I worked, my "main" job was my family) etc.

Currently we are still at war over parenting differences with our son, and he's in the middle.

I wish my exH ever spoke to me about his needs, and I certainly would have tried an open marriage knowing now he was probably polygamous.

Sorry forgot to add: and I think that I myself would have benefited from an open marriage, instead of being "faithful" at the expense of being sexually deprived since age 35. I was watching porn while he was on business trips sleeping around. Funny, huh? I am totally fine looking, slim and attractive

I am one of the men who is being attacked here and I have to say, I am sorry you went through this. It sounds awful

A man who leaves their wife to care for children, including a special needs child, and don’t take on significant parental duties, and then seeks divorce for a sex partner: what’s not to love?

Cheated always play the victim. I bet your wife has the kids right now.

We have 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need less/no sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not unilaterally cease intimacy while still married, and deny their partner the ability to have sex while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage with no sex.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced if you don’t want a sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, we don’t need to have sex, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

Dude, I get you’ve been exposed, but give it up. You are bitter your wife uses a lot of energy taking care of your kids, whom you blame the birth of for your lack of sex. You are not a nice person to your children. They didn’t ask to be born or have special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and if I saw that my husband really was invested into kids, family time, their development dialogue with school I definitely would say yes to an open marriage. Particular if she’s not interested in sex or remarrying in general in the future and staying in that marriage not “wasting” her time in terms of potentially serious relationships. At least until kids are off to college. I’ve lived through the hassle of divorce fighting, moving, new living arrangement and then my child torn between 2 households.
So I do recommend and encourage an open dialogue between spouses about ways of addressing their needs. It’s way healthier than cheating which creates a lot of animosity and costly divorces

Have you ever been divorced, cheated on, or had an open marriage?

Yes, divorced last year after 16 years of marriage (he cheated for the last 5 years of it). Our marriage by far was not "sexless". I was significantly younger and initiated sex, but he just seemed to have very low libido. He was that "cosy" husband in glasses and a sweater, always with contractors at backyard, watching his TV or traveling for work. Little that I knew he was cheating with a married colleague of him, possibly, since 2012.
His cheating brought a very unhealthy dynamic in our divorce (cutting of financial accounts, secretly sending money to AP and registering assets to her name while still being married). In fact I learned about AP when I found out a suspicious banking transaction on an account he thought was separate, but the bank included me in a statement. Also he behaved totally deranged during divorce, abusive verbally and physically. Screaming I was nobody (because his AP was an executive and while I worked, my "main" job was my family) etc.

Currently we are still at war over parenting differences with our son, and he's in the middle.

I wish my exH ever spoke to me about his needs, and I certainly would have tried an open marriage knowing now he was probably polygamous.

Sorry forgot to add: and I think that I myself would have benefited from an open marriage, instead of being "faithful" at the expense of being sexually deprived since age 35. I was watching porn while he was on business trips sleeping around. Funny, huh? I am totally fine looking, slim and attractive

I am one of the men who is being attacked here and I have to say, I am sorry you went through this. It sounds awful

A man who leaves their wife to care for children, including a special needs child, and don’t take on significant parental duties, and then seeks divorce for a sex partner: what’s not to love?

Cheated always play the victim. I bet your wife has the kids right now.

We have 50/50 custody

So he is divorced. To address his sexual needs totally derailed his kids' stability shuttling them back and forth just so he could spend 50% of his time with the GF who he claims is "not serious".

The money transfer to AP that I found on my exH account was over $300k. I didn't even know he had that much cash! If you think your GF loves YOU for being YOU, believe me that's not the case. She's just waiting for you to get ready for next more serious level, and eventually get control over your income and assets.

My exH AP did this: when he got older and emotionally attached to her more than he was to me (because I was very consumed with household duties), she demanded that he divorced. Now she has full access to his paycheck and I sometimes cover my son's essential expenses even on "dads" weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and if I saw that my husband really was invested into kids, family time, their development dialogue with school I definitely would say yes to an open marriage. Particular if she’s not interested in sex or remarrying in general in the future and staying in that marriage not “wasting” her time in terms of potentially serious relationships. At least until kids are off to college. I’ve lived through the hassle of divorce fighting, moving, new living arrangement and then my child torn between 2 households.
So I do recommend and encourage an open dialogue between spouses about ways of addressing their needs. It’s way healthier than cheating which creates a lot of animosity and costly divorces

Have you ever been divorced, cheated on, or had an open marriage?

Yes, divorced last year after 16 years of marriage (he cheated for the last 5 years of it). Our marriage by far was not "sexless". I was significantly younger and initiated sex, but he just seemed to have very low libido. He was that "cosy" husband in glasses and a sweater, always with contractors at backyard, watching his TV or traveling for work. Little that I knew he was cheating with a married colleague of him, possibly, since 2012.
His cheating brought a very unhealthy dynamic in our divorce (cutting of financial accounts, secretly sending money to AP and registering assets to her name while still being married). In fact I learned about AP when I found out a suspicious banking transaction on an account he thought was separate, but the bank included me in a statement. Also he behaved totally deranged during divorce, abusive verbally and physically. Screaming I was nobody (because his AP was an executive and while I worked, my "main" job was my family) etc.

Currently we are still at war over parenting differences with our son, and he's in the middle.

I wish my exH ever spoke to me about his needs, and I certainly would have tried an open marriage knowing now he was probably polygamous.

Sorry forgot to add: and I think that I myself would have benefited from an open marriage, instead of being "faithful" at the expense of being sexually deprived since age 35. I was watching porn while he was on business trips sleeping around. Funny, huh? I am totally fine looking, slim and attractive

I am one of the men who is being attacked here and I have to say, I am sorry you went through this. It sounds awful

A man who leaves their wife to care for children, including a special needs child, and don’t take on significant parental duties, and then seeks divorce for a sex partner: what’s not to love?

Cheated always play the victim. I bet your wife has the kids right now.

We have 50/50 custody

So he is divorced. To address his sexual needs totally derailed his kids' stability shuttling them back and forth just so he could spend 50% of his time with the GF who he claims is "not serious".

The money transfer to AP that I found on my exH account was over $300k. I didn't even know he had that much cash! If you think your GF loves YOU for being YOU, believe me that's not the case. She's just waiting for you to get ready for next more serious level, and eventually get control over your income and assets.

My exH AP did this: when he got older and emotionally attached to her more than he was to me (because I was very consumed with household duties), she demanded that he divorced. Now she has full access to his paycheck and I sometimes cover my son's essential expenses even on "dads" weeks.

Sad thing is that if these men had just taken on 50% of the responsibility at home, and devoted the same energy into their marriage as they do their AP, they wouldn’t be divorced. They’d have a happy marriage, intact family, and more wealth.

What’s even more sad is those APS and GFs will bail the minute he ages and needs any kind of help. They won’t visit the nursing home, they won’t be there by his side as he dies. Kids likely won’t, either. Usually once kids get married and have their own kids, they realize how messed up their dad’s behavior was and cut him off.

[Anonymous]

My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you. And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

Let me translate for everyone:

“I never did my fair share of caring for a SN child because I made a lot of money, you see. Money makes me exempt from having to actually put in effort and allows me to do whatever I want. I’m sorry other people have been hurt, but my wife wasn’t hurt at all, because I gave her a lot of money. And no, none of my poor choices were my fault, it was all because of my SN’s child!”

I’ve never been cheated on but it’s so obvious to me you have your head way far up your butt. You made a series of poor choices, starting with letting your xW shoulder all of the burden of a SN child. You should have been helping her. That money and time you spent on your AP? If you put that towards your family, you’d still be having sex and you wouldn’t be divorced.

It’s really not that hard. We go through sexless periods when I’m overwhelmed. H notices, asks how he can help, and then follows through. When I was a SAHM he handled the kids 100% on the weekend so I could go out and feel human again. A lot of men would have thrown a tantrum, but those men tend not to get laid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you. And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.