When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

Let me translate for everyone:

“I never did my fair share of caring for a SN child because I made a lot of money, you see. Money makes me exempt from having to actually put in effort and allows me to do whatever I want. I’m sorry other people have been hurt, but my wife wasn’t hurt at all, because I gave her a lot of money. And no, none of my poor choices were my fault, it was all because of my SN’s child!”

I’ve never been cheated on but it’s so obvious to me you have your head way far up your butt. You made a series of poor choices, starting with letting your xW shoulder all of the burden of a SN child. You should have been helping her. That money and time you spent on your AP? If you put that towards your family, you’d still be having sex and you wouldn’t be divorced.

It’s really not that hard. We go through sexless periods when I’m overwhelmed. H notices, asks how he can help, and then follows through. When I was a SAHM he handled the kids 100% on the weekend so I could go out and feel human again. A lot of men would have thrown a tantrum, but those men tend not to get laid.

FWIW, and I won't post again, you couldn't be more wrong on the efforts I made to try and rekindle things, including giving my wife ample opportunities to recharge.

Anyway, I am just some anonymous guy you can project your insecurities on. Never ever do you consider my wife having some responsibility, and that's fine. But your attitude is the mirror image of the men who trash the women in sexless marriages: Maybe if you didn't gain weight, cut your hair short, nag him, be a starfish in bed, he would actually want to date you and have sex with you.

Sometimes people get stuck with a partner who really lacks in some majors and profound ways. I admit my faults. You refuse to see anything other than mine. But anyway, I wish you well, life isn't so black and white as you wish it were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

Let me translate for everyone:

“I never did my fair share of caring for a SN child because I made a lot of money, you see. Money makes me exempt from having to actually put in effort and allows me to do whatever I want. I’m sorry other people have been hurt, but my wife wasn’t hurt at all, because I gave her a lot of money. And no, none of my poor choices were my fault, it was all because of my SN’s child!”

I’ve never been cheated on but it’s so obvious to me you have your head way far up your butt. You made a series of poor choices, starting with letting your xW shoulder all of the burden of a SN child. You should have been helping her. That money and time you spent on your AP? If you put that towards your family, you’d still be having sex and you wouldn’t be divorced.

It’s really not that hard. We go through sexless periods when I’m overwhelmed. H notices, asks how he can help, and then follows through. When I was a SAHM he handled the kids 100% on the weekend so I could go out and feel human again. A lot of men would have thrown a tantrum, but those men tend not to get laid.

FWIW, and I won't post again, you couldn't be more wrong on the efforts I made to try and rekindle things, including giving my wife ample opportunities to recharge.

Anyway, I am just some anonymous guy you can project your insecurities on. Never ever do you consider my wife having some responsibility, and that's fine. But your attitude is the mirror image of the men who trash the women in sexless marriages: Maybe if you didn't gain weight, cut your hair short, nag him, be a starfish in bed, he would actually want to date you and have sex with you.

Sometimes people get stuck with a partner who really lacks in some majors and profound ways. I admit my faults. You refuse to see anything other than mine. But anyway, I wish you well, life isn't so black and white as you wish it were.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you. And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.

I disagree. I stopped having sex with my xH and did explained to him multiple times what I needed to re-kindle things. He refused and instead would badger me until I gave in, which felt like assault and made me withdraw even more.

Every woman I know who lost interest in sex with their H felt the same. They explained what they needed and their H dismissed them, instead forcing them, accusing them of intentionally withholding, etc. Often for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you. And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.

I disagree. I stopped having sex with my xH and did explained to him multiple times what I needed to re-kindle things. He refused and instead would badger me until I gave in, which felt like assault and made me withdraw even more.

Every woman I know who lost interest in sex with their H felt the same. They explained what they needed and their H dismissed them, instead forcing them, accusing them of intentionally withholding, etc. Often for years.

They are intentionally withholding, as they have every right to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

Let me translate for everyone:

“I never did my fair share of caring for a SN child because I made a lot of money, you see. Money makes me exempt from having to actually put in effort and allows me to do whatever I want. I’m sorry other people have been hurt, but my wife wasn’t hurt at all, because I gave her a lot of money. And no, none of my poor choices were my fault, it was all because of my SN’s child!”

I’ve never been cheated on but it’s so obvious to me you have your head way far up your butt. You made a series of poor choices, starting with letting your xW shoulder all of the burden of a SN child. You should have been helping her. That money and time you spent on your AP? If you put that towards your family, you’d still be having sex and you wouldn’t be divorced.

It’s really not that hard. We go through sexless periods when I’m overwhelmed. H notices, asks how he can help, and then follows through. When I was a SAHM he handled the kids 100% on the weekend so I could go out and feel human again. A lot of men would have thrown a tantrum, but those men tend not to get laid.

FWIW, and I won't post again, you couldn't be more wrong on the efforts I made to try and rekindle things, including giving my wife ample opportunities to recharge.

Anyway, I am just some anonymous guy you can project your insecurities on. Never ever do you consider my wife having some responsibility, and that's fine. But your attitude is the mirror image of the men who trash the women in sexless marriages: Maybe if you didn't gain weight, cut your hair short, nag him, be a starfish in bed, he would actually want to date you and have sex with you.

Sometimes people get stuck with a partner who really lacks in some majors and profound ways. I admit my faults. You refuse to see anything other than mine. But anyway, I wish you well, life isn't so black and white as you wish it were.

So your wife cut her hair and got fat…and you wanted a thin, long haired girlfriend? The real reason for your divorce is clear. I feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you. And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.

I disagree. I stopped having sex with my xH and did explained to him multiple times what I needed to re-kindle things. He refused and instead would badger me until I gave in, which felt like assault and made me withdraw even more.

Every woman I know who lost interest in sex with their H felt the same. They explained what they needed and their H dismissed them, instead forcing them, accusing them of intentionally withholding, etc. Often for years.

They are intentionally withholding, as they have every right to do.

For me, I wasn’t intentionally withholding. That implies I did it as punishment. It was that I didn’t want to have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you. And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.

I don't agree with the statement that a classic dead bedroom spouse assumes it's just fine. Marriage is based on a premise that you are exclusive. I did not ASSUME that it was fine to have sex less frequently, I THOUGHT my exH was getting older and thus had lower sex drive. I only had 2 other sexual partners prior to him in my 20s, and how the heck I would know what sexual drive of a 55 y.o. man is? I thought he was satisfied having sex 2-4 times/month, and not every day as when he was 35 and I was 24.

But I do agree that affairs happen when one spouse is selfish and ego driven. My exH is an extremely wealthy person (over $25mm net worth). Just like the male PP above, he always "delegated" childcare on me, and was telling he was getting tired from work travel. I did work full time at a lower paying job basically putting my career on back burner. But the full time job+chid care did not give me ANY free time even to THINK about cheating! It never really came across my mind as an option, where I always had a collection of favorite porn videos on my cell phone to do "self-care". Moreover, I would have never divorced just because I needed sex outside marriage or didn't have an O with my exH.

He was not a sex giant by any means: after turning 50, he became selfish in bed. Never gave an an O and preferred unusual locations for sex: on the bathroom sink, shower, dining table, pool etc. Usually, after he had a morning jog in the park on Saturdays. I in turn could not get an O in those theatrical settings: I do need for sex to be in a specific always the same position with me being on top of him, or pillows placed under my back. He just lost interest in this "conservative" sex.

But as we did have sex occasionally, I was too shy to ask him to do what I needed and he seemed not to care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

$1mm settlement paid in installments is not much by dmv standards (I got several times more but we had a very high net worth).Your exW is probably in mid 40s now, and she will struggle finding a good job in her age. So it's like being provided for about 7 years with a decent rental housing. Comparing to financial security she had in the family it must be a serious financial hit for her. I don't believe she was not negotiable to improve sex life.

Sorry, but after what I lived through I just don't "buy" dead bedroom stories from a man, unless it's the wife herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

$1mm settlement paid in installments is not much by dmv standards (I got several times more but we had a very high net worth).Your exW is probably in mid 40s now, and she will struggle finding a good job in her age. So it's like being provided for about 7 years with a decent rental housing. Comparing to financial security she had in the family it must be a serious financial hit for her. I don't believe she was not negotiable to improve sex life.

Sorry, but after what I lived through I just don't "buy" dead bedroom stories from a man, unless it's the wife herself

Single mom here, where do I find this plan where I get a million, an annual salary of 100k per year and I don't even have to have sex with the guy?

Only in America is this woman considered a victim

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

$1mm settlement paid in installments is not much by dmv standards (I got several times more but we had a very high net worth).Your exW is probably in mid 40s now, and she will struggle finding a good job in her age. So it's like being provided for about 7 years with a decent rental housing. Comparing to financial security she had in the family it must be a serious financial hit for her. I don't believe she was not negotiable to improve sex life.

Sorry, but after what I lived through I just don't "buy" dead bedroom stories from a man, unless it's the wife herself

Single mom here, where do I find this plan where I get a million, an annual salary of 100k per year and I don't even have to have sex with the guy?

Only in America is this woman considered a victim

This guy's exW was at home with kids: she lost lifetime retirement savings of her own of at a minimum $2mm simply virtue of taking care of children and household. If she remained at any professional decent job, in DMV area she would have had a retirement account of at least $1mm, some home equity and a salary of around $120k/year.
Remember he said it's $1mm equalization payments, so it's part of their joint assets division, not a percentage of his income that he pays her. He probably couldn't pay her upfront/refinance a house at $1mm so she was kind enough to agree for installments.
My exH didn't agree to installments; I had urgently secure a higher paying job and bought him out in equalization for $800k , in order to keep my own place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby?
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first.

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you !

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't.

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore.

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind.
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife?

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”

She said no to an open marriage.

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply.

$1mm settlement paid in installments is not much by dmv standards (I got several times more but we had a very high net worth).Your exW is probably in mid 40s now, and she will struggle finding a good job in her age. So it's like being provided for about 7 years with a decent rental housing. Comparing to financial security she had in the family it must be a serious financial hit for her. I don't believe she was not negotiable to improve sex life.

Sorry, but after what I lived through I just don't "buy" dead bedroom stories from a man, unless it's the wife herself

Single mom here, where do I find this plan where I get a million, an annual salary of 100k per year and I don't even have to have sex with the guy?

Only in America is this woman considered a victim

It’s not that great of a deal:

- In DC, 100k doesn’t get you much. His wife likely had to downgrade and move to a different area and a smaller place.

- Given that PP says he had a dead bedroom for 10 years and is now divorced, kids are at a minimum 12 years old, likely older. So his xW only has a couple years of child support left. If they’re mid-40s, that’s now at least 20 years she has to work.

- xW gave up her career so she could care for the SN kid and PP could focus on his career, so now she has to re-start a career after over a decade out of the work force. She’s likely making the same as people 20 years younger than her.

- 1 million isn’t enough for retirement, so now xW has to figure out how to put away another $2-3 million, while working a job that likely barely covers her bills.

I’m divorced and it’s hard. I had to use the money intended for retirement to jump start my career. It freaking sucks when you have an H who refuses to do his fair share of childcare because he doesn’t want to take the career hit, so you take the hit yourself, and then he bails when a new shiny object comes along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you. And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.

I disagree. I stopped having sex with my xH and did explained to him multiple times what I needed to re-kindle things. He refused and instead would badger me until I gave in, which felt like assault and made me withdraw even more.

Every woman I know who lost interest in sex with their H felt the same. They explained what they needed and their H dismissed them, instead forcing them, accusing them of intentionally withholding, etc. Often for years.

I'm the BW that vilified guy was replying to.

What this thread sounds like to me is both sides firmly entrenched in their camps, unwilling to swallow their egos to walk to the middle. And yeah, I get it. And I relate to the sex issues too. On DDay my husband brought up less sex as a "reason" for his affair, but the truth is that I had carefully kept our sex life at historic levels despite losing my libido when I started on an SSRI for postpartum anxiety. He felt rejected by my obvious lack of interest. I felt like I was doing my darned best and it was a super slap in the face to suffer all my issues and then have him use them as his "excuse."

What I've learned coming out the other end of all of this many years and much therapy and self-work later, is that this whole power struggle represents a transactional relationship. A tit for tat. And what I want to have is a transformational relationship. It's hard to hold space for your spouse to have feelings that FEEL like rejection (she's not into sex) or criticism (you don't sleep with me enough). But if you can get control of your ego and look at everything as an "us" issue . . . our sex life tapering off is an "us" issue . . . your suddenly feeling alive because a coworker flirted with you is an "us" issue . . . then you can hopefully avoid these very common pitfalls.

I see the BW and the WH on here very firm in proving their own reasonableness and justification. But I think when you sit with yourself and trust yourself deeply, you don't need to prove to anyone, especially not strangers on the internet, whether or not you were trying your hardest. That's the agreement of marriage . . . that we will both try our hardest and that we will give the benefit of the doubt that the other person is too. That we won't internalize times when our spouse is struggling or putting less in because we will hold onto the hope and belief that they just need patience right now, like we sometimes do too. It's choosing to remain an "us" instead of two people keeping score. Once the score keeping begins and the resentment builds, it's really really hard to undo it. I see people on this thread saying maybe if their husband did more housework or their wife upped their sex life, they would have let go of the resentment, but honestly I don't think it's that easy. That's just a convenient way to distill the issue down to something that's (supposedly) not your fault. Once the door has closed on "us" and we're two individuals in our camps, it's really hard to be vulnerable again.

But not impossible, if you're both willing to do the work. You CAN grieve and work through your legitimate sorrow over your spouse's actions while also holding space for them to be humans who are hurting and struggling too. If you're two people who like and love one another (or at least, the elements are there if you can get through this storm) then I do think it can be done, but it's not easy.

Anyway, I still say that children don't NEED to know that there was adultery behind a divorce. Children should be taught that we're autonomous people who have a right to exit relationships when we choose to. It super duper sucks to be the betrayed spouse, and feeling like you have to "cover" for your spouse's infidelity when everyone is shocked by your divorce is adding insult to injury, for sure. But ideally you can get support for those feelings from other adults and your therapist and not pass them along to your children. If you weren't telling your kids about your sex life before the divorce, then why start now?

[Anonymous]

Leaving a relationship is getting a divorce. Sleeping with someone else while you are still married isn’t leaving a relationship. It’s staying in a marriage, and having a one sided open marriage without your partner’s consent.

[Anonymous]

Oh look shocker the thread devolves into multiple pages of adults arguing about cheaters. This is why none of us kids want to hear about it, figure out your crap and don’t ruin the events you both have to come to for the rest of our lives

- the kids, who will eventually hate both of you if you fight like jerk children for our whole childhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh look shocker the thread devolves into multiple pages of adults arguing about cheaters. This is why none of us kids want to hear about it, figure out your crap and don’t ruin the events you both have to come to for the rest of our lives

- the kids, who will eventually hate both of you if you fight like jerk children for our whole childhood

Do kids like you ever stop whining or playing the victim? If it’s so easy why are you on here telling everyone you feel you deserved better? I mean you should be over it right?