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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family. 
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to  continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.[/quote]

I don't think you are wrong for feeling angry or deceived.

I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex-husband and I wish I had not married him and just moved on with my life. His past caused me so much pain, not only in our marriage, but in my life. We already had our 2 kids when we were in our early 20s and decided to marry after a tumultuous relationship in order to give our kids a stable family. Yeah right. I suspected he had been abused by his stepdad(adopted father) all along because of how he acted around him. He was always on edge and seemed to lash out at me after we spent time with this man. However, the father was not someone I admired and it amazed me that he seemed to have such power over people with such an acerbic and nasty personality. I think he was triggered when we got married and moved to the same city as his father. We moved there for economic reasons and I was too young and inexperienced to realize being anywhere near this man spelled doom for my relationship with my new husband. He is a true psychopath and pedophile in every sense of the word. So I was also VERY ANGRY when I found out he had, in fact, been sexually abused by him.  I had asked my ex over and over if it was true and he had denied it for years. Looking back, I handled it horribly and I wasn't as supportive towards my ex as I should have been. He also had a history of substance abuse, definitely caused by his abuse.

Being with anyone who has been sexually abused and is not actively working through their issues is a HUGE RED FLAG. Having kids with them is a gamble and should not be taken lightly. I put up major boundaries with his family around my kids and kept them safe. They were never allowed to be around my kids without me present and really didn't want to be because of how dysfunctional they are. Their grandfather knew he wasn't getting away with his behavior around me because I confronted him about it despite his denials. After we finally broke up, my ex spiraled into drug abuse and ended up passing way from his abuse problem. It all has been a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My experience is extreme but I hope you can see where it could go.

My ex didn't want to get help and just wanted to drink his pain away. Yes, it's heartbreaking but who wants to raise kids with someone who is so damaged and just DOES NOT WANT HELP? You know your fiance but it does strike me as unhealthy that he has not put up boundaries with his abuser. He may still be struggling and in fear, despite being a grown man. That is what this kind of abuse does to a person. May I suggest you start doing your own research and read Allies in Healing. It helped me gain perspective and insight into my ex's dilemma nad why he felt compelled to stay in relationship with his abuser, though I was against it. I agree you both should be in counseling. [/quote]

Thank you for sharing your story. It seems you understand what I'm trying to say.  This is all very overwhelming. I'm not saying that I don't love my fiance or somehow blame him.
I just don't know how to reconcile being related to the abuser. I don't think I can go along with it and pretend. I'm already dreading Thanksgiving. It's a few weeks a ways, but I can't exactly pull out without causing drama. I don't want to cause drama and make problems for my fiance.

I honestly do not know if he's spoken to someone about it, I haven't asked him about it, but my gut tells me he hasn't, and I don't know if he would.  He doesn't use drugs , but he does drink not to the point of being out of control, but he drinks. I'm not a drinker so it probably stands out to me, and may not mean anything. 
His relationship history is busy, but what guy in his 30s hasn't had lots of girlfriends, he was engaged once before me, but I think he's grown up a lot since then so that doesn't worry me, so much. Other than that he's pretty normal, very moody at times, but who isn't. Honestly, knowing what I now know is putting a lot of things into perspective.
I don't want to analyze him.[/quote]

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