Reply to Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family. 
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to  continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.[/quote]

There are "those kinds of people" in more families than apparently you're aware.  If one out of 4 kids is sexually abused in childhood, it shouldn't be a huge shock that many of those people are in families with abuses and have to negotiate relationships and boundaries with said abuser.

My experience with this is that I maintain a relationship with my older brother who abused me.  If my DH had been angry with ME when I told him about my brother, I would have dumped him on the spot.  Seriously.  This is not about YOU and you seriously need to examine your anger.  It sounds like you had some idealistic expectations about this new family, and you are angry that they are not picture perfect idealized versions of that you had imagined.  That's your shit to get over.  Do not put that on your fiancé.

I had decades to confront and adapt my feelings toward my brother and set and adapt boundaries with him as situations changed and we both changed.  If my DH had come in and expected me to share his anger and outrage, it would have been pretty inconsiderate.  That said, I understood that it was difficult for him to resolve his hurt in my behalf with my choice to keep him in my family.  I simply set very simple expectation for my DH: I didn't expect him to love or like my brother, but I did expect him to be cordial and polite and refrain from causing drama at family occasions because of his latent dislike of my brother.  He has been able to do that, which I appreciate.   And we talk privately about how comfortable we are with our son having a relationship with him.  Right now, we agree that he can have contact with our child at joint family occasions, but will never stay alone at his house and he is not invited to sleep at ours.

Personally, you sound really immature to me and I hope you will read up on the issue of childhood sexual abuse and how you can support him better.  And keep apologizing.  You really messed up here.

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