How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

How do you "keep finances separate" when your meal ticket - I mean husband - pays for EVERYTHING?
You're a terrible person, OP. You daughter should cut you out of her life.

[Anonymous]

Change the details of the situation a bit and I think others would have very different opinions.

For example, let's say that OP was an ex-wife and was disgusted that her ex-husband was footing the bill for his new wife's kid to go to college. She thinks that is taking away assets from his own kids which should be used for them, or for eventual inheritance.

Wonder what the responses would be then?

[Anonymous]

I would never have married someone who didn’t consider himself a father for my kids.

Your poor child. You’ve put her in an awful position.

I hope you’re a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change the details of the situation a bit and I think others would have very different opinions.

For example, let's say that OP was an ex-wife and was disgusted that her ex-husband was footing the bill for his new wife's kid to go to college. She thinks that is taking away assets from his own kids which should be used for them, or for eventual inheritance.

Wonder what the responses would be then?

The same. When you marry someone with kids, expect to pay. Period.

[Anonymous]

This is how you handle it, you apologize to your dd that you are a terrible mother who has made her a Cinderella, and you take out loans and pay for her school. In-state is fine, but telling her that SHE had to take out loans for the in-state school, not YOU is the worst thing a parent can do.
Especially if she raised her dd with her stepdds who are getting private tuition on the plate, new cars, new apartments.
I am glad this thread is in the hottest topics, OP is that terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

How do you "keep finances separate" when your meal ticket - I mean husband - pays for EVERYTHING?
You're a terrible person, OP. You daughter should cut you out of her life.

Where is your income going, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

How do you "keep finances separate" when your meal ticket - I mean husband - pays for EVERYTHING?
You're a terrible person, OP. You daughter should cut you out of her life.

Where is your income going, OP?

This! I'm a single parent with a kid about to go to college. If I didn't pay rent that money would go straight to the 529.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hi OP, I was in a situation similar to your daughter’s. My mom remarried my first semester of college and I lost all my financial aid. My stepdad stated that he was marrying my mom, not us, and did not pay for anything. I got through financially because my grandmother passed and gave me money for college.

I saw, and still see my mom as a whore.

I’m now married with three kids and have already paid their college before they start elementary school (I understand not everyone can do that). I’m a multimillionaire. Although my mom and her husband have a good pension, they have very little in savings. The pension will be reduced greatly when stepdad passes and my mom will need support. I absolutely will not financially assist a whore.

I imagine your daughter will see you this way. When someone marries you, if they aren’t including your kids in their family, you’re a whore. Worse than a whore - you’re a whore who sells out your own daughter.

Wow! I felt this.

Yup, me too. My situation is different in details, but the crux is that my mom too is a whore who sold out both her kids for a new husband. She is now trying to use my infant daughter as a prop to keep his attention by trying to get me to give them alone time with her to do fun grandparent stuff, yet she doesn’t want to spend time with her alone without him present. Nope, GTFO whore.

[Anonymous]

I wish OP would update with an actual solution for her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

Oh please this is highly exaggerated. The girl can take a year off and get off their taxes as a dependent.

Being on her parents taxes has nothing to do with financial aid.

I can not imagine expecting my child to sacrifice this much, and then telling her it's because she's not part of the nuclear family.

How is the DD sacrificing? If Mom had not remarried, she would have been going to UMD. And now she will still be going to UMD, just like a lot of kids. And, she won't have to worry about supporting her mother during retirement like a lot of us have to do. Please, your priorities are skewed if you think the girl is sacrificing by having her parents pay for her public education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

When you call your daughter bratty, entitled, ask why she wants more, you really are not sympathetic. As for your step daughter, probably true, right? Seems like you should have let her into the financial strategy years ago.

OP - I agree with you that your daughter is bratty and entitled and should learn discretion. Maybe the two of you should go volunteer somewhere weekly so she can understand how privileged SHE is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hi OP, I was in a situation similar to your daughter’s. My mom remarried my first semester of college and I lost all my financial aid. My stepdad stated that he was marrying my mom, not us, and did not pay for anything. I got through financially because my grandmother passed and gave me money for college.

I saw, and still see my mom as a whore.

I’m now married with three kids and have already paid their college before they start elementary school (I understand not everyone can do that). I’m a multimillionaire. Although my mom and her husband have a good pension, they have very little in savings. The pension will be reduced greatly when stepdad passes and my mom will need support. I absolutely will not financially assist a whore.

I imagine your daughter will see you this way. When someone marries you, if they aren’t including your kids in their family, you’re a whore. Worse than a whore - you’re a whore who sells out your own daughter.

The PP is an example of the bratty entitlement the OP worries about. This person judges their single mom for wanting to remarry, judges a man who met her when she was already an adult and didn't want to bear the cost of her college AND she had her college paid for by someone. Yuck. But I am sure that the karma will come back to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

will OP cosign? Without a cosigned, the interest rates will be crippling

Even with a co-signer the interest rates are terrible.

Your examples are not equivalent. Tge daughter will have to take on all this debt because her mom married the stepdad. That’s a huge burden for her to carry. It’s not anywhere near the same thing as a parent not being able to afford college. The daughter is forced to pay the price for her mom’s marriage—that’s shit parenting. In Reddit-speak you're the asshole, OP.

Ha ha! The current rate for Parent Plus Loans is 6.28%. When I was in college, the SUBSIDIZED Federal GSLs were 8% and the private institutional loans were 10-13%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc."

He is providing the things that a parent usually provides. If her mother had remained single, she might have had difficulties providing these things. I am not sure that would have been a better outcome for the child.

If I was that kid I would have preferred wearing target hoodies in high school and qualifying for financial aid for college instead of wearing Patagonia in high school and being stuck with hundreds of thousands in debt for the rest of her life.

OR... you go to UMD with a bunch of other Patagonia wearing kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

Oh please this is highly exaggerated. The girl can take a year off and get off their taxes as a dependent.

Being on her parents taxes has nothing to do with financial aid.

I can not imagine expecting my child to sacrifice this much, and then telling her it's because she's not part of the nuclear family.

How is the DD sacrificing? If Mom had not remarried, she would have been going to UMD. And now she will still be going to UMD, just like a lot of kids. And, she won't have to worry about supporting her mother during retirement like a lot of us have to do. Please, your priorities are skewed if you think the girl is sacrificing by having her parents pay for her public education.

She won’t get enough financial aid to attend UMD because of stepfathers wealth and the amount mom provides only covers one year. Also if mom hadn’t married stepfather she might have been eligible to receive enough financial aid to attend a “fancy” need blind school which is out of the question now.