How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

"He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc."

He is providing the things that a parent usually provides. If her mother had remained single, she might have had difficulties providing these things. I am not sure that would have been a better outcome for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc."

He is providing the things that a parent usually provides. If her mother had remained single, she might have had difficulties providing these things. I am not sure that would have been a better outcome for the child.

Yeah, let’s get this man a Parent of the Year award, stat!

[Anonymous]

On one hand, I don’t see why the flagship state university is the minimally accepted choice. Can’t she do two years at a less prestigious school and transfer? Or CC?

On the other hand, it’s the pain of comparison with his kids. And there’s nothing you can say OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc."

He is providing the things that a parent usually provides. If her mother had remained single, she might have had difficulties providing these things. I am not sure that would have been a better outcome for the child.

If I was that kid I would have preferred wearing target hoodies in high school and qualifying for financial aid for college instead of wearing Patagonia in high school and being stuck with hundreds of thousands in debt for the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you marry someone and blend your family with someone that isn’t willing to fold your daughter in as his own?

You were looking out for your own financial security but have no regard to your daughter. Not surprised. Plenty of divorced women latch on to any wealthy guy willing to marry them

That’s not his biological child. Why should he be expected to pay for her college tuition??

Some of the responses are insane and I’m a woman!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you marry someone and blend your family with someone that isn’t willing to fold your daughter in as his own?

You were looking out for your own financial security but have no regard to your daughter. Not surprised. Plenty of divorced women latch on to any wealthy guy willing to marry them

That’s not his biological child. Why should he be expected to pay for her college tuition??

Some of the responses are insane and I’m a woman!!

Not pp but the criticism is of OP. She should have considered the effect on her daughter’s future before marrying him by considering the following

1. Discussing with him whether he his willing to pay anything for her daughter’s college before marrying him.l (given that colleges expect this and use combined resources to determine financial aid.)
2. Cohabiting instead of marrying so that her daughter remains eligible for financial aid.
3. Estimating how much the marriage is costing her daughter in terms of financial aid and making up for it with the money she is saving by not having to pay for rent, food and clothing. (And she’s been spared these costs presumably for the last 5 years so not clear why she doesn’t have much more saved.)

Not just marrying someone without regard for its adverse effect on her daughter’s financial future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you marry someone and blend your family with someone that isn’t willing to fold your daughter in as his own?

You were looking out for your own financial security but have no regard to your daughter. Not surprised. Plenty of divorced women latch on to any wealthy guy willing to marry them

That’s not his biological child. Why should he be expected to pay for her college tuition??

Some of the responses are insane and I’m a woman!!

Because when one marries a person with a child, the support and care of the child has to be taken into account and discussed. When incomes are as disparate as OP claims they are, a discussion of expectations regarding financial support for the stepchild is needed. It's not about what is expected of the stepfather, it's about OP not thinking thru how her remarriage would affect her DD future - then being upset at DD when she was unhappy at being given the short straw.

[Anonymous]

This has got to be one of the most disgusting things I have read on here. Hope you are happy OP! Seems like a step worse than an actual prostitute bc you could have stayed single, provided stability and love for DD but instead got into some sort of ‘separate finances’ shady side deal where your DD is allowed to live with you part time. This poor, poor child. OP doesn’t gaf about her well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this private college have ROTC? They will pay...

This is the best suggestion on the thread. ROTC is the answer. She could also join the military now (possibly for as few as 2-3 years) and then your DH's income wouldn't be counted for FAFSA purposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you marry someone and blend your family with someone that isn’t willing to fold your daughter in as his own?

You were looking out for your own financial security but have no regard to your daughter. Not surprised. Plenty of divorced women latch on to any wealthy guy willing to marry them

That’s not his biological child. Why should he be expected to pay for her college tuition??

Some of the responses are insane and I’m a woman!!

When he married Mom, he also accepted responsibility for this child. If he is paying for housing, food, clothing and extra's now it seems weird he would not help with college. And, if he is paying for everything and mom is working, where is all her money going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

OP you we’re clearly willing to sign away your rights and decided that this situation was good enough for your daughter, and didn’t think things through. I think you thought your daughter would be “smart” like you and willing to make herself be especially liked by this rich family you are so impressed with. You cannot have your cake and eat it to- you are NOT an advocate for your daughter, and she resents it. You’re tossing her some crumbs and telling her she should be so happy to even be thought of. It’s awful and very Cinderella-esque. If you really want to do right by your daughter get a REAL job that is high paying, and help her pay off her student loans later, and if your husband has a problem with that, he can help out instead. You aren’t your husband and his kids entertainment with no human needs, and I’m getting gold digger vibes from this all. Your daughter may be smarter than you and knows she will be better set up for life than you are if she goes to a good school. Vassar isn’t “fancy”, it’s a damn good school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you marry someone and blend your family with someone that isn’t willing to fold your daughter in as his own?

You were looking out for your own financial security but have no regard to your daughter. Not surprised. Plenty of divorced women latch on to any wealthy guy willing to marry them

That’s not his biological child. Why should he be expected to pay for her college tuition??

Some of the responses are insane and I’m a woman!!

When he married Mom, he also accepted responsibility for this child. If he is paying for housing, food, clothing and extra's now it seems weird he would not help with college. And, if he is paying for everything and mom is working, where is all her money going?

This was my question as well. If stepdad is taking care of most household expenditures, why can't mom's money be used toward college tuition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Does this private college have ROTC? They will pay...


This is the best suggestion on the thread. ROTC is the answer.

It's not all that easy to get a ROTC scholarship. Not everyone enrolled in ROTC gets one. It's pretty competitive. The amount you get is usually limited to tuition, plus a living stipend, which isn't enough to pay room and board. It's impossible to work any other jobs when enrolled. The service commitment is longer for scholarship recipients, usually 8 years--4 years active duty and 5 years in the reserves.

One of my young neighbors did this. He ended up going to a good, but not elite school. He got into more highly ranked schools, but didn't get one of the scholarship slots at any of these, so had to go lower down--sort of like looking for merit money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Does this private college have ROTC? They will pay...


This is the best suggestion on the thread. ROTC is the answer.

It's not all that easy to get a ROTC scholarship. Not everyone enrolled in ROTC gets one. It's pretty competitive. The amount you get is usually limited to tuition, plus a living stipend, which isn't enough to pay room and board. It's impossible to work any other jobs when enrolled. The service commitment is longer for scholarship recipients, usually 8 years--4 years active duty and 5 years in the reserves.

One of my young neighbors did this. He ended up going to a good, but not elite school. He got into more highly ranked schools, but didn't get one of the scholarship slots at any of these, so had to go lower down--sort of like looking for merit money.

While ROTC may solve the problem of paying for college, it will doesn't change the fact that OP is more willing to have her daughter struggle than have an uncomfortable conversation with her 2nd husband. All the daughter's half siblings and step siblings get taken care of but OP's daughter gets the shaft. That's harsh.

[Anonymous]

people, stop pretending that there is a simple solution for a “rich” kid with no money to attend college. paying for college is hard enough for middle class kids whose parents are in their corner 100%. it three times as difficult for somebody in poverty who can’t take advantage of the safety net.