How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

Of course she is welcome to live here during the summer or school breaks. When did I say she wasn’t?? I’m not “washing my hands” I’m trying to get her to see that 30k is a good deal if the way towards paying for UMD.

You don’t think it’s entitled that she expects more?

Doesn't 30k pay for a little more than a year of in-state school? In state cost with room and board is about 28k right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

will OP cosign? Without a cosigned, the interest rates will be crippling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

I feel for you, OP. You have done well to provide for your daughter, you live comfortably with your new husband. Your daughter needs to get over this somehow. She can make the choice: graciously accept the $30K you provide, and then decide if she wants to put that towards a more affordable, good school like UMD, or beg/whine/take out loans to go somewhere more expensive/private/prestigious. Maybe she's not at a maturity level to actually make this decision yet. Can she take a gap year, work somewhere, save money, THINK a little before making this decision of where to go/what is worth it?

You sound like a great mom. You're doing great, mama

I think I got a total of $1,000 from my parents when I got off to college, and a decade later I still have $65,000 in student loans, but I did work-study, did what I had to do, and made it work. Not many people even have a mother like you who's financially stable enough to provide such a chunk of money.

those people qualify for need based aid, heavily subsidized federal loans, and work study. OP's daughter will qualify for none of that and that 30k won't get her 2 years even a a cheap in state school. Instead, she'll get unsubsidized federal loans with interest accumulating from day one and even higher rate private loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

Jesus. I can't imagine telling my own child to just not sleep, which is the #1 thing you can do for mental and physical health. WTF is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

will OP cosign? Without a cosigned, the interest rates will be crippling

Even with a co-signer the interest rates are terrible.

Your examples are not equivalent. Tge daughter will have to take on all this debt because her mom married the stepdad. That’s a huge burden for her to carry. It’s not anywhere near the same thing as a parent not being able to afford college. The daughter is forced to pay the price for her mom’s marriage—that’s shit parenting. In Reddit-speak you're the asshole, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this private college have ROTC? They will pay...

Ha! I love this. OP and stepdad are going on exotic vacations but the daughter has to literally risk her life to obtain an education.

Mom of the year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

will OP cosign? Without a cosigned, the interest rates will be crippling

Even with a co-signer the interest rates are terrible.

Your examples are not equivalent. Tge daughter will have to take on all this debt because her mom married the stepdad. That’s a huge burden for her to carry. It’s not anywhere near the same thing as a parent not being able to afford college. The daughter is forced to pay the price for her mom’s marriage—that’s shit parenting. In Reddit-speak you're the asshole, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

Of course she is welcome to live here during the summer or school breaks. When did I say she wasn’t?? I’m not “washing my hands” I’m trying to get her to see that 30k is a good deal if the way towards paying for UMD.

You don’t think it’s entitled that she expects more?

Doesn't 30k pay for a little more than a year of in-state school? In state cost with room and board is about 28k right?

Lmao yeah that extra $2K changes everything...that will cover another three years of school...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

It is much harder to do this now.

Also the real point here is that OP doesn't see what her actions have done to hurt her dd and is blaming her dd for being unhappy and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

It is much harder to do this now.

Also the real point here is that OP doesn't see what her actions have done to hurt her dd and is blaming her dd for being unhappy and ungrateful.

I’m the immigrant poster - nah it’s not that much harder I did this a few years ago, my parents did co sign I got gasp! Unsubsidized loans that I gasp! refinanced snd consolidated into subsidized loans. I also worked hard at my job and I had a gig at the Kennedy Center in the evenings doing catering aside from work study. Ans sleep is over rated when you’re poor or can’t afford something. I went to law school and doing public service loan forgiveness and have about 4/3 years left until this mess is forgiven until then I pay because I get how loans work. DD needs advice on her options and implications and she should be happy with any funds.

Now separately, OP is a crappy mother because she’s not listening to what her DD wants and facilitating that even if it’s telling her go sign up for loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

It is much harder to do this now.

Also the real point here is that OP doesn't see what her actions have done to hurt her dd and is blaming her dd for being unhappy and ungrateful.

I’m the immigrant poster - nah it’s not that much harder I did this a few years ago, my parents did co sign I got gasp! Unsubsidized loans that I gasp! refinanced snd consolidated into subsidized loans. I also worked hard at my job and I had a gig at the Kennedy Center in the evenings doing catering aside from work study. Ans sleep is over rated when you’re poor or can’t afford something. I went to law school and doing public service loan forgiveness and have about 4/3 years left until this mess is forgiven until then I pay because I get how loans work. DD needs advice on her options and implications and she should be happy with any funds.

Now separately, OP is a crappy mother because she’s not listening to what her DD wants and facilitating that even if it’s telling her go sign up for loans.

You also didn’t face the issue of your parents having such a high income you don’t qualify for most aid

[Anonymous]

The part I am hung up on is OP’s marriage negatively impacting her child’s financial aid options. OP, due to that alone you really need to work something out with your new husband and ex and his new wife so that your child can at graduate from in state college with minimal debt. I still think it also sucks that she has to live in a household where everyone’s “wants” are met but hers, talk about recipe for resentment and little future relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

Jesus. I can't imagine telling my own child to just not sleep, which is the #1 thing you can do for mental and physical health. WTF is wrong with you?

I am the PP who said this. That was sarcasm. The point was that you do what you have to do. My mom did what she could but it wasn't much - she was a single parent and at the time we were still finding our footing in this country. She did eventually remarry (I am the OP from the strange inheritance thread) long after I finished college, but rest assured, had a remarriage affected my financial aid prospects, she would have headed straight for divorce court. I would too. You don't do that to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Same here. It can be done. If she has the brains to get into a school like this, she will have the brains to pay off the loans. I had a job through college. Every summer I had two or three. I still graduated first in my class. Sleep is overrated.

It is much harder to do this now.

Also the real point here is that OP doesn't see what her actions have done to hurt her dd and is blaming her dd for being unhappy and ungrateful.

I’m the immigrant poster - nah it’s not that much harder I did this a few years ago, my parents did co sign I got gasp! Unsubsidized loans that I gasp! refinanced snd consolidated into subsidized loans. I also worked hard at my job and I had a gig at the Kennedy Center in the evenings doing catering aside from work study. Ans sleep is over rated when you’re poor or can’t afford something. I went to law school and doing public service loan forgiveness and have about 4/3 years left until this mess is forgiven until then I pay because I get how loans work. DD needs advice on her options and implications and she should be happy with any funds.

Now separately, OP is a crappy mother because she’s not listening to what her DD wants and facilitating that even if it’s telling her go sign up for loans.

you can't refinance an unsubsidized loan into subsidized.

OP, this is tough, but I agree with the others who suggest quantifying to what extent your rmarraige to stepdad is impacting he financial aid. It reminds me of this recent slate article: https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/fiancee-daughter-second-marriage-care-and-feeding.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

You could divorce her step father.

I can't imagine marrying someone whose values were so awful that they wouldn't provide for a child living under their own roof.

WTF you BAHMF.