Managing parents expectations about alone time with granddaughter

[Anonymous]

*eased into the logistics

[Anonymous]

OP, this is more an anxious wife issue than a “covid baby” or “parents expectations” issue.

[Anonymous]

OP - YOU deal with them by saying, "this is what I and my family would like to do ... " and you state YOUR schedule. You don't make this about your wife.

And if you need to, you spilt up your time, and YOU go alone on some activities.

Stop thinking you have to "explain your wife"

[Anonymous]

OP here:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think is the reason they want to be alone with the baby as opposed to just holding and playing with the baby while you both are around? Do you think they worry they will not get enough cuddle time, or that the baby will cry with mom around and won't let them hold her?

I think it's the fact that they haven't seen our daughter that much, due to COVID/being far away, so they understandably want to be able to spend some time with her.

Anonymous wrote:Two 10 month old left alone with grandparents who seemed to not have had experience with babies in a generation and that the babies are not familiar with. I wouldn't be okay with that and my kids weren't the nervous kind.
The fact that the grandparents think this is a good idea and would be likely to shame OP makes me even more not okay with this setup.


I left my 11 mo old with my parents so my DH and I could go to a movie, and my mom took the opportunity to attempt to "fix" what she deemed to be an unacceptable cowlick in my child's hair. When we arrived home, my DD was screaming, red faced, on the floor. Her hair was wet where my mom had wet it and presumably attempted to comb down the cowlick, and there were several little bows on the ground with hunks of my DD's hair in them where she had torn them out of her head.

Listen, no one died, but I stopped leaving my baby with my mom after that. And it's stuff like this that gives new parents, and moms in particular, anxiety about leaving their kids. Even people who are technically capable of keeping a baby safe are not necessarily suitable caregivers. And grandparents can be among the worst, because as my mom showed, sometimes they are just so fixated on their own needs and expectations that they do not use basic common sense in caring for a baby. My mom was so obsessed with getting a cowlick-free photo of my DD with a bow in her hair that she could show her friends, that she just ignored the fact that the baby was screaming and miserable. Sorry, but that is not what I look for in a caregiver for my child.

Just take the baby with you, and tell the grandparents there will be lots of opportunities later in life for one on one time with their granddaughter. Grandparents get obsessed with babies but most of them figure out that they do better with, and have more fun with, slightly older kids who have a little more agency and don't need quite such intensive care and attention.

My wife isn't as much concerned about something like this, but I could 100% see a similar scenario playing out with my Mom, which is why I'm a little anxious about leaving our daughter with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't listen to PPs who trained their babies like dogs: "Leave them for an hour with someone, then make it longer. It is ok if the baby is crying and is upset. S/he will get used to this"

Babies come in different "shapes": some are ok with staying with strangers/in unfamiliar setting, some are not.
You baby is not a dog, don't train her.

Of course babies -- people, in fact! -- are trainable. I did not post this, and am not advocating for it, but this is pretty much the exposure therapy my kid with social anxiety does, at the advice of his therapist. Start small to train your mind and body to understand there is no real danger, and then gradually increase exposure to the thing that is scaring you.

[Anonymous]

Your wife and daughter both sound normal to me. A 10 month old in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people is often going to be a bit nervous, and having your first kid in a pandemic + PPA is not uncommon either. Now is a great time to start setting FIRM boundaries with your parents. My DH and I did this from the start and it pays off. Your family is not a democracy and they don't get a vote, and if they choose to be offended by this decision which has nothing to do with them, that's on them. There's no need to fight about it, you can just repeat blandly something along the lines of "this is the plan/what we have decided, it's not a big deal, and it's not up for discussion."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think is the reason they want to be alone with the baby as opposed to just holding and playing with the baby while you both are around? Do you think they worry they will not get enough cuddle time, or that the baby will cry with mom around and won't let them hold her?

I think it's the fact that they haven't seen our daughter that much, due to COVID/being far away, so they understandably want to be able to spend some time with her.

Anonymous wrote:Two 10 month old left alone with grandparents who seemed to not have had experience with babies in a generation and that the babies are not familiar with. I wouldn't be okay with that and my kids weren't the nervous kind.
The fact that the grandparents think this is a good idea and would be likely to shame OP makes me even more not okay with this setup.


I left my 11 mo old with my parents so my DH and I could go to a movie, and my mom took the opportunity to attempt to "fix" what she deemed to be an unacceptable cowlick in my child's hair. When we arrived home, my DD was screaming, red faced, on the floor. Her hair was wet where my mom had wet it and presumably attempted to comb down the cowlick, and there were several little bows on the ground with hunks of my DD's hair in them where she had torn them out of her head.

Listen, no one died, but I stopped leaving my baby with my mom after that. And it's stuff like this that gives new parents, and moms in particular, anxiety about leaving their kids. Even people who are technically capable of keeping a baby safe are not necessarily suitable caregivers. And grandparents can be among the worst, because as my mom showed, sometimes they are just so fixated on their own needs and expectations that they do not use basic common sense in caring for a baby. My mom was so obsessed with getting a cowlick-free photo of my DD with a bow in her hair that she could show her friends, that she just ignored the fact that the baby was screaming and miserable. Sorry, but that is not what I look for in a caregiver for my child.

Just take the baby with you, and tell the grandparents there will be lots of opportunities later in life for one on one time with their granddaughter. Grandparents get obsessed with babies but most of them figure out that they do better with, and have more fun with, slightly older kids who have a little more agency and don't need quite such intensive care and attention.

My wife isn't as much concerned about something like this, but I could 100% see a similar scenario playing out with my Mom, which is why I'm a little anxious about leaving our daughter with them.

OP, your gut is telling you something (quite separate from your wife's anxiety or COVID baby.) Listen to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - YOU deal with them by saying, "this is what I and my family would like to do ... " and you state YOUR schedule. You don't make this about your wife.

And if you need to, you spilt up your time, and YOU go alone on some activities.

Stop thinking you have to "explain your wife"

I agree with this with a slight twist. Explain your wife doesn't feel comfortable. The end. Then you absorb the comments and pushback.

I had horrible anxiety for a full year after my first was born and I continued to push myself and do things and travel but all of it was miserable. And I am normally an extrovert and love traveling. When I had my second, I proactively just didn't do things where I knew I would be forcing it and just miserable. I knew it was a short period of time and it passed.

My husband during this time period saw that I wasn't myself and continued to try to support me and I tear up just sitting here thinking about it. He had my back and he just tried to help and he repeatedly kept saying to me, very kindly, that I didn't seem like myself and we worked together to try to get me back to a better place. You sound like a good one OP. You guys will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

Ugh. Please don't phrase it that way.

PP here. What's wrong with that phrasing?

I mean, no reasonable grandparent wants to hear that their grandchild is having anxiety issues, will be uncomfortable with them, and that it is an unfamiliar place.

PP back again. I was assuming with my phrasing that these grandparents are familiar with the concept of separation anxiety (as my parents and my husbands parents are, as grandparents many times over) and that it's not "an anxiety problem."

I agree if the phrase "separation anxiety" doesn't have meaning for them, as a temporary, normal part of development where babies scream when out of sight of their parents, then yes, my phrasing would not work. But my parents (and my in-laws) might be really disappointed, but they for sure know enough about kids to not take separation anxiety from a 10 month old personally, or as a sign of some kind of mental health issue in the kid.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a nightmare vacation on many levels. Why do your brothers get to decree forced activities every afternoon? That would be horrific, childcare situation or not. I would just play it by ear. Your wife is a grownup. If she wants to say “nope, go ahead, I’m staying with the baby” … that is fine!

Separately, she should make sure that the grandparents have at least a tiny bit of time with the baby, if only a walk or she is in the bedroom relaxing while they are in the living room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

Ugh. Please don't phrase it that way.

PP here. What's wrong with that phrasing?

I mean, no reasonable grandparent wants to hear that their grandchild is having anxiety issues, will be uncomfortable with them, and that it is an unfamiliar place.

PP back again. I was assuming with my phrasing that these grandparents are familiar with the concept of separation anxiety (as my parents and my husbands parents are, as grandparents many times over) and that it's not "an anxiety problem."

I agree if the phrase "separation anxiety" doesn't have meaning for them, as a temporary, normal part of development where babies scream when out of sight of their parents, then yes, my phrasing would not work. But my parents (and my in-laws) might be really disappointed, but they for sure know enough about kids to not take separation anxiety from a 10 month old personally, or as a sign of some kind of mental health issue in the kid.

DP. Any "reasonable" grandparent would be aware that the baby doesn't know them or the house. This is simply a fact. And separation anxiety is a normal phase for many kids that age, which I would also expect someone who professes to be competent enough to look after a 10 month old to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two 10 month old left alone with grandparents who seemed to not have had experience with babies in a generation and that the babies are not familiar with. I wouldn't be okay with that and my kids weren't the nervous kind.
The fact that the grandparents think this is a good idea and would be likely to shame OP makes me even more not okay with this setup.

not to mention, in a non-baby proofed vacation home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife and daughter both sound normal to me. A 10 month old in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people is often going to be a bit nervous, and having your first kid in a pandemic + PPA is not uncommon either. Now is a great time to start setting FIRM boundaries with your parents. My DH and I did this from the start and it pays off. Your family is not a democracy and they don't get a vote, and if they choose to be offended by this decision which has nothing to do with them, that's on them. There's no need to fight about it, you can just repeat blandly something along the lines of "this is the plan/what we have decided, it's not a big deal, and it's not up for discussion."

I agree with this, especially having read the OP's follow up post. If they chose to be pushy rather than understanding, you just push back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here with a few follow ups:


- DW has been seeing a therapist for her post-partum depression. It's definitely improved over the past few weeks. Having our daughter successfully transition to a new daycare has helped as well.

- Regarding specifics about our daughters anxiety, the issue is when she's without us in an unfamiliar place. Both my wifes parents and my parents have watched her in our house without us present, and that's been fine. Since for this weekend, our daughter will be in a place that she's literally never been to in her life, that's what's causing the anxiety.

- To the poster who commented that we're projecting our anxiety onto our daughter; that's probably true to an extent. There have been times where I've said to my wife "we just have to let her try a new situation," which is how we were able to successfully have her be watched in our house.

- Regarding how to talk with my parents about this, they're the kind of people who will be pushy to get us to watch our daughter, as opposed to being understanding. For example, I could see that if I said "our daughter is having some seperation anxiety, so we'll maybe do something all together," they'd counter with "oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. She doesn't seem fussy now!" instead of just being supportive of our decision. In talking to my wife, I can tell that this isn't something that she's going to budge/be flexible on.

ugh OP. can you minimize this vacation? whole family vacations stuffed into one house with in laws are really hard even in the best of times. maybe trim a day off each end and stay for 3 nights. This is asking a LOT of your wife. Please support her. Maybe even consider renting your own place instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Later this summer, we are renting a house with my parents, my brothers + spouses, and our (my wife and I, and my brother + SIL) two 10 month old daughters. This is the first time we've all been together in person since Thanksgiving 2019, as we don't all live in the same city.

Due to being a "COVID baby," our daughter struggles around people and places that she's unfamiliar with. As a result, my wife has anxiety about leaving her alone for extended periods of time. For example, we've been taking her to my wife parents (who live 15 mins away from us) mutiple times a week for an hour here and there. Sometimes our daughter is okay, other times she is not, but the crux of the matter is that my wife is anxious about leaving her alone. We've gotten a little better on working on her anxiety about this situation (last weekend went out to eat just the two of us for the first time since our daughter was born!), but there's still a ways for her to go.

Anyways, in talking about planning this trip with my family, the schedule has been centered around the "kids (me, wife, brothers + spouses) going to do some activity in the afternoon, while my parents watch the babies. Given her anxiety, my wife isn't comfortable with leaving our daughter alone with them in an unfamiliar setting, which i 100% support. Regardless of if her anxiety is justified (which is a whole separate topic) the fact of the matter is that she's not going to suddenly become more comfortable with leaving her alone in the next few weeks.

However, the issue is how to deal with my family. Since this is really the first time my parents have gotten to spend 1:1 with both granddaughters at the same time, they keep saying how excited they are to spend some 1:1 time. It also doesn't help that my brother + SIL are totally on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of leaving their baby alone, so they're trying to plan all these activities during the day that aren't baby friendly at all. I also know that my family can be judgemental about this type of thing (I can just hear my mom saying "oh leave her with us! It'll be fine!). I could also see my parents getting offended that we don't want to leave our daughter with them alone (which is shitty of them, so that'll be a treat to deal with). I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do I communicate with my family that we aren't comfortable leaving our daughter alone without throwing my wife under the bus about her anxiety, but also ensuring that no one is offended?

If your dd has been left alone with her parents and you say no to yours there is no way there isn't going to be hurt feelings on your parents. Do you think your pareents incapable of caring for your dd? Why are her parents better than yours? Honestly, you should not go if your wife is going to be this way. Don't be surprised if your daughter does not have a great relationship with your parents. Or if your parents favor the other grandchild.