Managing parents expectations about alone time with granddaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like your wife and you have the anxiety and not your 10-month-old dd.
It is like you two projected all your anxiety and gave it to your DD.
The kid will likely be perfectly fine, maybe the first day not too great, but the rest will be fine.
How is your kid to get used to being with someone else if she has never been actually left with someone else? So you leave her for an hour, so barely enough time for her to get settled with her other grandparents, and it sounds like your wife, and maybe you too, fuss so much, that your baby is picking it all up and knows how to fuss to get all the attention.
The first step is to learn how to leave! Without any fuss, that is advice for you and your wife. Just leave her with her grandparents without any fuss. That is step one in erasing your own kid's "anxiety" when you two leave.
Honestly, it sounds like you caused your kid to feel "unsettled" with your behaviors!
Now, some new parents do this; it is nothing out of the ordinary! It is a reflection of your personality and your way of parenting. But, for your own sake and your kids' sake, please learn how to keep your anxiety under control.

This!

[Anonymous]

I didn't have anxiety but I was not okay with leaving my babies with other people. I had babies so I could enjoy them during their awake time! I sent them to daycare because I had to, but on vacation I wanted to be with my kids. I would have found it really strange that my mom or MIL wanted to stay back and watch babies. Why couldn't babies go? We did adult things after the 7pm baby bedtime and got babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like your wife and you have the anxiety and not your 10-month-old dd.
It is like you two projected all your anxiety and gave it to your DD.
The kid will likely be perfectly fine, maybe the first day not too great, but the rest will be fine.
How is your kid to get used to being with someone else if she has never been actually left with someone else? So you leave her for an hour, so barely enough time for her to get settled with her other grandparents, and it sounds like your wife, and maybe you too, fuss so much, that your baby is picking it all up and knows how to fuss to get all the attention.
The first step is to learn how to leave! Without any fuss, that is advice for you and your wife. Just leave her with her grandparents without any fuss. That is step one in erasing your own kid's "anxiety" when you two leave.
Honestly, it sounds like you caused your kid to feel "unsettled" with your behaviors!
Now, some new parents do this; it is nothing out of the ordinary! It is a reflection of your personality and your way of parenting. But, for your own sake and your kids' sake, please learn how to keep your anxiety under control.

This is exactly right. I'm not clear how a 10 month old is exhibiting anxiety. Does that mean she cries? Well, OK, but after a while she'll stop, and in a few days, it isn't a big deal anymore. The only way to get her used to other people is to leave her with other people, and from your description, your parents are perfectly competent caregivers, who love your daughter.

Pinning this on covid is a red herring, too. Millions of families deal with this when they drop their kids off at daycare for the first time. It quickly resolves itself most of the time. Sure, there are a few times it doesn't, but you have to try, and then reassess if you need to.

It'll be good for your wife, also, if you can try this. But if you can't, you have to just tell the truth. Any lie would be completely transparent BS, and lead to bad feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like your wife and you have the anxiety and not your 10-month-old dd.
It is like you two projected all your anxiety and gave it to your DD.
The kid will likely be perfectly fine, maybe the first day not too great, but the rest will be fine.
How is your kid to get used to being with someone else if she has never been actually left with someone else? So you leave her for an hour, so barely enough time for her to get settled with her other grandparents, and it sounds like your wife, and maybe you too, fuss so much, that your baby is picking it all up and knows how to fuss to get all the attention.
The first step is to learn how to leave! Without any fuss, that is advice for you and your wife. Just leave her with her grandparents without any fuss. That is step one in erasing your own kid's "anxiety" when you two leave.
Honestly, it sounds like you caused your kid to feel "unsettled" with your behaviors!
Now, some new parents do this; it is nothing out of the ordinary! It is a reflection of your personality and your way of parenting. But, for your own sake and your kids' sake, please learn how to keep your anxiety under control.

This is exactly right. I'm not clear how a 10 month old is exhibiting anxiety. Does that mean she cries? Well, OK, but after a while she'll stop, and in a few days, it isn't a big deal anymore. The only way to get her used to other people is to leave her with other people, and from your description, your parents are perfectly competent caregivers, who love your daughter.

Pinning this on covid is a red herring, too. Millions of families deal with this when they drop their kids off at daycare for the first time. It quickly resolves itself most of the time. Sure, there are a few times it doesn't, but you have to try, and then reassess if you need to.

It'll be good for your wife, also, if you can try this. But if you can't, you have to just tell the truth. Any lie would be completely transparent BS, and lead to bad feelings.

Reading further, it is apparent that the main issue here is your wife, not your daughter. If she is *this* anxious, you should back out of the trip, out of concern for her and courtesy to everyone else involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Later this summer, we are renting a house with my parents, my brothers + spouses, and our (my wife and I, and my brother + SIL) two 10 month old daughters. This is the first time we've all been together in person since Thanksgiving 2019, as we don't all live in the same city.

Due to being a "COVID baby," our daughter struggles around people and places that she's unfamiliar with. As a result, my wife has anxiety about leaving her alone for extended periods of time. For example, we've been taking her to my wife parents (who live 15 mins away from us) mutiple times a week for an hour here and there. Sometimes our daughter is okay, other times she is not, but the crux of the matter is that my wife is anxious about leaving her alone. We've gotten a little better on working on her anxiety about this situation (last weekend went out to eat just the two of us for the first time since our daughter was born!), but there's still a ways for her to go.

Anyways, in talking about planning this trip with my family, the schedule has been centered around the "kids (me, wife, brothers + spouses) going to do some activity in the afternoon, while my parents watch the babies. Given her anxiety, my wife isn't comfortable with leaving our daughter alone with them in an unfamiliar setting, which i 100% support. Regardless of if her anxiety is justified (which is a whole separate topic) the fact of the matter is that she's not going to suddenly become more comfortable with leaving her alone in the next few weeks.

However, the issue is how to deal with my family. Since this is really the first time my parents have gotten to spend 1:1 with both granddaughters at the same time, they keep saying how excited they are to spend some 1:1 time. It also doesn't help that my brother + SIL are totally on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of leaving their baby alone, so they're trying to plan all these activities during the day that aren't baby friendly at all. I also know that my family can be judgemental about this type of thing (I can just hear my mom saying "oh leave her with us! It'll be fine!). I could also see my parents getting offended that we don't want to leave our daughter with them alone (which is shitty of them, so that'll be a treat to deal with). I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do I communicate with my family that we aren't comfortable leaving our daughter alone without throwing my wife under the bus about her anxiety, but also ensuring that no one is offended?

If your dd has been left alone with her parents and you say no to yours there is no way there isn't going to be hurt feelings on your parents. Do you think your pareents incapable of caring for your dd? Why are her parents better than yours? Honestly, you should not go if your wife is going to be this way. Don't be surprised if your daughter does not have a great relationship with your parents. Or if your parents favor the other grandchild.

It’s a baby and an exhausted mom with PPD being asked to go on her in-laws vacation. Not some kind of asset that everyone has equal rights to.

So the dad's parents should have zero interest in spending time with their grandchildren? Only the mom's parents should? I am not a grandmother but I let both sets of grandparents partipate in my kids lives as much as they wanted.

Why go when you have zero desire to facilitate any relationship with the grandchildren and the in-laws. But dont come back and complain when inlaws aren't close.

OP's DW is willing to go on a family vacation with the in laws, so she's hardly keeping them away. The baby is not a prize that the grandparents are competing over. The grandparents who refuse to cooperate with the overall needs of the family (and that includes the mom) are the ones who end up getting shut out. The grandparents who actually help/support/respect are the ones who get integrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok
Try to gently set expectations now.
I get it, your wife has anxiety AND you have an infant, that’s a lot.
HOWEVER, your brother and SIL know you may be baby on a few outings with the group. Because even though I’m understanding, I have to be honest if I were your brother and sister-in-law and I was planning a vacation and I was setting time to be baby free, because sometimes you need to be baby free, I would be pissed as all get out if every outing included your baby.

You act like this is some kind of Hawaiian adults-only resort. It's a family vacation with it sounds like at least 8 adults and 2 babies crammed into one house. To expect that it's going to be some kind of wonderful adult vacation is kind of absurd. Also unclear what kind of "baby free" things they were planning to do. Casinos? Windsurfing? 10 month old babies can go most places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like your wife and you have the anxiety and not your 10-month-old dd.
It is like you two projected all your anxiety and gave it to your DD.
The kid will likely be perfectly fine, maybe the first day not too great, but the rest will be fine.
How is your kid to get used to being with someone else if she has never been actually left with someone else? So you leave her for an hour, so barely enough time for her to get settled with her other grandparents, and it sounds like your wife, and maybe you too, fuss so much, that your baby is picking it all up and knows how to fuss to get all the attention.
The first step is to learn how to leave! Without any fuss, that is advice for you and your wife. Just leave her with her grandparents without any fuss. That is step one in erasing your own kid's "anxiety" when you two leave.
Honestly, it sounds like you caused your kid to feel "unsettled" with your behaviors!
Now, some new parents do this; it is nothing out of the ordinary! It is a reflection of your personality and your way of parenting. But, for your own sake and your kids' sake, please learn how to keep your anxiety under control.

This is exactly right. I'm not clear how a 10 month old is exhibiting anxiety. Does that mean she cries? Well, OK, but after a while she'll stop, and in a few days, it isn't a big deal anymore. The only way to get her used to other people is to leave her with other people, and from your description, your parents are perfectly competent caregivers, who love your daughter.

Pinning this on covid is a red herring, too. Millions of families deal with this when they drop their kids off at daycare for the first time. It quickly resolves itself most of the time. Sure, there are a few times it doesn't, but you have to try, and then reassess if you need to.

It'll be good for your wife, also, if you can try this. But if you can't, you have to just tell the truth. Any lie would be completely transparent BS, and lead to bad feelings.

Reading further, it is apparent that the main issue here is your wife, not your daughter. If she is *this* anxious, you should back out of the trip, out of concern for her and courtesy to everyone else involved.

So the alternative to just respecting OP's wife's preferences is to ... not go at all. Is that right? Grandparents and BILs way or the highway? Sounds really nice and really family-focused.

[Anonymous]

OP's wife is fine enough leaving her kid at daycare and at her parents. Now, she has come up with the baby has the anxiety to leave the baby with her ILs for a very short period of time?
I too would come up with an excuse if I was forced to "enjoy" time with some ILs or other people that demanded it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like your wife and you have the anxiety and not your 10-month-old dd.
It is like you two projected all your anxiety and gave it to your DD.
The kid will likely be perfectly fine, maybe the first day not too great, but the rest will be fine.
How is your kid to get used to being with someone else if she has never been actually left with someone else? So you leave her for an hour, so barely enough time for her to get settled with her other grandparents, and it sounds like your wife, and maybe you too, fuss so much, that your baby is picking it all up and knows how to fuss to get all the attention.
The first step is to learn how to leave! Without any fuss, that is advice for you and your wife. Just leave her with her grandparents without any fuss. That is step one in erasing your own kid's "anxiety" when you two leave.
Honestly, it sounds like you caused your kid to feel "unsettled" with your behaviors!
Now, some new parents do this; it is nothing out of the ordinary! It is a reflection of your personality and your way of parenting. But, for your own sake and your kids' sake, please learn how to keep your anxiety under control.

This is exactly right. I'm not clear how a 10 month old is exhibiting anxiety. Does that mean she cries? Well, OK, but after a while she'll stop, and in a few days, it isn't a big deal anymore. The only way to get her used to other people is to leave her with other people, and from your description, your parents are perfectly competent caregivers, who love your daughter.

Pinning this on covid is a red herring, too. Millions of families deal with this when they drop their kids off at daycare for the first time. It quickly resolves itself most of the time. Sure, there are a few times it doesn't, but you have to try, and then reassess if you need to.

It'll be good for your wife, also, if you can try this. But if you can't, you have to just tell the truth. Any lie would be completely transparent BS, and lead to bad feelings.

Reading further, it is apparent that the main issue here is your wife, not your daughter. If she is *this* anxious, you should back out of the trip, out of concern for her and courtesy to everyone else involved.

So the alternative to just respecting OP's wife's preferences is to ... not go at all. Is that right? Grandparents and BILs way or the highway? Sounds really nice and really family-focused.

The reason for backing out is for concern for OP's wife, you dolt. She is not in a place to enjoy this, at all.

[Anonymous]

How come OP's wife has anxiety about this but not about the daycare?
I mean, come on, people. Two hours out, and kids in daycare all day long? During covid? And an unvaccinated baby?
I mean, this is clearly because she doesn't want to be forced to do things with her BILsand their families. And if I am honest, dictating that they must leave the babies every day on vacation to go out is not something that normal family people do! Well, not those that I know. One or two, sure.
After a day at the poor or at the beach, why can't they all hang out after babies are asleep, and that way grandparents also get time with their adult sons and their wives?
OP, are you, brothers, that much into this and demanding that every single day must have you going out without kids? Or is this some anxiety you and your wife are projecting without knowing that it must be every single day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok
Try to gently set expectations now.
I get it, your wife has anxiety AND you have an infant, that’s a lot.
HOWEVER, your brother and SIL know you may be baby on a few outings with the group. Because even though I’m understanding, I have to be honest if I were your brother and sister-in-law and I was planning a vacation and I was setting time to be baby free, because sometimes you need to be baby free, I would be pissed as all get out if every outing included your baby.

You act like this is some kind of Hawaiian adults-only resort. It's a family vacation with it sounds like at least 8 adults and 2 babies crammed into one house. To expect that it's going to be some kind of wonderful adult vacation is kind of absurd. Also unclear what kind of "baby free" things they were planning to do. Casinos? Windsurfing? 10 month old babies can go most places.

OP already said brother and sister-in-law referenced outings without the kids I don’t know how long you’ve been a parent but even when I had infants sometimes I wanted to do some things without them sometimes I want to go to target without my baby sometimes I wanted to go to lunch with a girlfriend without my damn baby.
if I’m going on a vacation and some people are saying they would be willing to babysit my child for an hour or two hours or an afternoon I damn sure would to enjoy some time away from my baby, adult time can happen at any time. You can be willing to die for your kids but still want some time free of them.
P.S. You can take babies to Hawaii too you know

[Anonymous]

I’m a grandmother. I’m 55 with two grandbabies. Honestly, I would feel kind of offended if my DIL or my daughter weren’t comfortable leaving their toddlers with me for a few hours. Newborn, I totally understand (although my kids were more than willing to let me have the babies right from the beginning). Your wife needs to manage her anxiety. If the baby cries, grandma or grandpa are capable of managing it. Babies cry. As a mom of five and now grandma of two, it takes a lot to stress me out. A crying 10 month old is so easy to distract.

Of course you back your wife regardless. But you need to gently encourage her to try. Maybe make the first time a trip to the coffee shop. I’ll bet the baby does great.

[Anonymous]

I have issues with OP pathologizing his wife and baby. It's normal for moms not to want to leave infants w new people in an unfamiliar setting. It's normal for infants to have separation anxiety. You don't have to let anyone babysit your child.

[Anonymous]

Wife is fine leaving kids at daycare and with her parents, but not her in laws. This is not anxiety. She just doesn't like the in laws. I know because I didn't like my in laws and found any excuse to not leave my kids with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What even is the grandparent obsession with "one on one" time? It's honestly weird. Why do they need to be alone with an infant? I get as the child gets older and the grandparents want to have a direct relationship with them, not always mitigated by a parent. That makes sense to me. But what's the difference between spending time with a baby in the presence of the baby's parents, versus if the parents are elsewhere? IME, most babies will be more enjoyable if their parents are around because it helps set them at ease. It's normal and natural for babies to have intense bonds with their parents, especially their mothers. If mom is nearby, the baby will know that the grandparent is a trusted adult and will probably be less anxious.

My mom and MIL were both pushy about wanting 1:1 time with my DD, and I honestly think it was mostly because they wanted to do things they knew I wouldn't approve of. Like my MIL was really pushy about wanting to give my baby solids before we were ready (or before any pediatrician would ever recommend in this day and age) and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to go away so she could give my baby some rice cereal, which for some reason was really important to her. Grandparents can have a really hard time with boundaries.

No it is not weird.
Geez. Just because you have unreliable or pushy parents or in-laws doesn’t mean that every grandparent is wacko it cannot be trusted.
And lots of babies do just fine with grandparents and the parents aren’t around.
That may not be true in your case for your kids and that’s fine and that’s a valid but don’t generalize that it’s weird they grandparents want to establish independent relationship with their grandkids.

But insisting on one on one time (instead of just taking it as it comes) IS pushy, and it sounds like a lot of grandparents do it. No one is saying that grandparents should be around babies on their own, just asking why that is fundamentally better than spending quality time with the baby while the parents are there (not even necessarily in the same room! just in the same house). To insist that parents leave their kids entirely in your care actually is kind of weird. If they want, that's one thing, but trying to push it onto a parent who would clearly rather be with their child is a strange approach.

Also, you can establish an independent relationship with grandkids without the parents going away. My child has independent relationships with a number of adults, including family and close friends, and some of them have never been totally alone with her at all. But they take an interest in her, talk to her directly, and make an effort to spend time with her when they are around. None of them as ever told me they need me to leave so that they can spend one on one time with my kid, and if they did, I would find it off-putting.