Managing parents expectations about alone time with granddaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Later this summer, we are renting a house with my parents, my brothers + spouses, and our (my wife and I, and my brother + SIL) two 10 month old daughters. This is the first time we've all been together in person since Thanksgiving 2019, as we don't all live in the same city.

Due to being a "COVID baby," our daughter struggles around people and places that she's unfamiliar with. As a result, my wife has anxiety about leaving her alone for extended periods of time. For example, we've been taking her to my wife parents (who live 15 mins away from us) mutiple times a week for an hour here and there. Sometimes our daughter is okay, other times she is not, but the crux of the matter is that my wife is anxious about leaving her alone. We've gotten a little better on working on her anxiety about this situation (last weekend went out to eat just the two of us for the first time since our daughter was born!), but there's still a ways for her to go.

Anyways, in talking about planning this trip with my family, the schedule has been centered around the "kids (me, wife, brothers + spouses) going to do some activity in the afternoon, while my parents watch the babies. Given her anxiety, my wife isn't comfortable with leaving our daughter alone with them in an unfamiliar setting, which i 100% support. Regardless of if her anxiety is justified (which is a whole separate topic) the fact of the matter is that she's not going to suddenly become more comfortable with leaving her alone in the next few weeks.

However, the issue is how to deal with my family. Since this is really the first time my parents have gotten to spend 1:1 with both granddaughters at the same time, they keep saying how excited they are to spend some 1:1 time. It also doesn't help that my brother + SIL are totally on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of leaving their baby alone, so they're trying to plan all these activities during the day that aren't baby friendly at all. I also know that my family can be judgemental about this type of thing (I can just hear my mom saying "oh leave her with us! It'll be fine!). I could also see my parents getting offended that we don't want to leave our daughter with them alone (which is shitty of them, so that'll be a treat to deal with). I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do I communicate with my family that we aren't comfortable leaving our daughter alone without throwing my wife under the bus about her anxiety, but also ensuring that no one is offended?

If your dd has been left alone with her parents and you say no to yours there is no way there isn't going to be hurt feelings on your parents. Do you think your pareents incapable of caring for your dd? Why are her parents better than yours? Honestly, you should not go if your wife is going to be this way. Don't be surprised if your daughter does not have a great relationship with your parents. Or if your parents favor the other grandchild.

It’s a baby and an exhausted mom with PPD being asked to go on her in-laws vacation. Not some kind of asset that everyone has equal rights to.

[Anonymous]

A couple of thoughts:

1. Separation anxiety is real and nothing new. Even before COVID, moms worried about how they kids would cope without them, and COVID certainly hasn’t helped. While they may feel your wife is overreacting, I think they would understand if your wife thanks them for their generous offer, but confides in them that as a mother she worries leaving the baby in new places, especially since COVID has meant you’ve basically been home bound the baby’s entire life. She can say that she looks forward to leaving DC with grandparents in future, and that she appreciates the great job they did raising the fine man she fell in love with.

2. Does it have to be either/or? When my baby was that age, I was exhausted. Sometimes my DH would take over so that I could just sleep, read a book, etc. could she plead off the outing saying she wants to take advantage of the baby care to recuperate. She should stay in a different part of the house, or outside and NOT HOVER. She can let them have their 1:1 time, but if the baby has a melt down, the grandparents would probably be relieved to have her available. Nobody wants the baby to suffer.

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous. Your wife needs to set the tone for the baby that of course everything is fine. The baby is picking up on her anxiety. Let the baby get used to the grandparents the first day, then leave her with them. If she cries hysterically then you'll know and adjust accordingly. But go in assuming the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Later this summer, we are renting a house with my parents, my brothers + spouses, and our (my wife and I, and my brother + SIL) two 10 month old daughters. This is the first time we've all been together in person since Thanksgiving 2019, as we don't all live in the same city.

Due to being a "COVID baby," our daughter struggles around people and places that she's unfamiliar with. As a result, my wife has anxiety about leaving her alone for extended periods of time. For example, we've been taking her to my wife parents (who live 15 mins away from us) mutiple times a week for an hour here and there. Sometimes our daughter is okay, other times she is not, but the crux of the matter is that my wife is anxious about leaving her alone. We've gotten a little better on working on her anxiety about this situation (last weekend went out to eat just the two of us for the first time since our daughter was born!), but there's still a ways for her to go.

Anyways, in talking about planning this trip with my family, the schedule has been centered around the "kids (me, wife, brothers + spouses) going to do some activity in the afternoon, while my parents watch the babies. Given her anxiety, my wife isn't comfortable with leaving our daughter alone with them in an unfamiliar setting, which i 100% support. Regardless of if her anxiety is justified (which is a whole separate topic) the fact of the matter is that she's not going to suddenly become more comfortable with leaving her alone in the next few weeks.

However, the issue is how to deal with my family. Since this is really the first time my parents have gotten to spend 1:1 with both granddaughters at the same time, they keep saying how excited they are to spend some 1:1 time. It also doesn't help that my brother + SIL are totally on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of leaving their baby alone, so they're trying to plan all these activities during the day that aren't baby friendly at all. I also know that my family can be judgemental about this type of thing (I can just hear my mom saying "oh leave her with us! It'll be fine!). I could also see my parents getting offended that we don't want to leave our daughter with them alone (which is shitty of them, so that'll be a treat to deal with). I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do I communicate with my family that we aren't comfortable leaving our daughter alone without throwing my wife under the bus about her anxiety, but also ensuring that no one is offended?

If your dd has been left alone with her parents and you say no to yours there is no way there isn't going to be hurt feelings on your parents. Do you think your pareents incapable of caring for your dd? Why are her parents better than yours? Honestly, you should not go if your wife is going to be this way. Don't be surprised if your daughter does not have a great relationship with your parents. Or if your parents favor the other grandchild.

It’s a baby and an exhausted mom with PPD being asked to go on her in-laws vacation. Not some kind of asset that everyone has equal rights to.

So the dad's parents should have zero interest in spending time with their grandchildren? Only the mom's parents should? I am not a grandmother but I let both sets of grandparents partipate in my kids lives as much as they wanted.

Why go when you have zero desire to facilitate any relationship with the grandchildren and the in-laws. But dont come back and complain when inlaws aren't close.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I think op can see that dd doesn't really have a separation issue. She goes to childcare! Surely nobody is demanding that you hand over your 10-month-old dd the minute you arrive to your parents, and then leave for hours on some "adult" adventure?
If this is the MO of your siblings, well they are clearly not mature enough if all they seek from this vacation is to ditch their kids to grandparents and pretend they are teens or something!
That honestly sounds like a terrible vacation for your parents too! Surely they like to enjoy some time with their kids and grandkids, and not be unpaid babysitters and have absolutely no vacation that they might enjoy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think is the reason they want to be alone with the baby as opposed to just holding and playing with the baby while you both are around? Do you think they worry they will not get enough cuddle time, or that the baby will cry with mom around and won't let them hold her?

I think it's the fact that they haven't seen our daughter that much, due to COVID/being far away, so they understandably want to be able to spend some time with her.

If it's really just that, there's no reason why you can't find a compromise and offer lots of play time and holding of the baby but with either Mom or Dad present. Just try really hard not to continually hold your daughter or go off with her, so that others get a chance to interact with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Later this summer, we are renting a house with my parents, my brothers + spouses, and our (my wife and I, and my brother + SIL) two 10 month old daughters. This is the first time we've all been together in person since Thanksgiving 2019, as we don't all live in the same city.

Due to being a "COVID baby," our daughter struggles around people and places that she's unfamiliar with. As a result, my wife has anxiety about leaving her alone for extended periods of time. For example, we've been taking her to my wife parents (who live 15 mins away from us) mutiple times a week for an hour here and there. Sometimes our daughter is okay, other times she is not, but the crux of the matter is that my wife is anxious about leaving her alone. We've gotten a little better on working on her anxiety about this situation (last weekend went out to eat just the two of us for the first time since our daughter was born!), but there's still a ways for her to go.

Anyways, in talking about planning this trip with my family, the schedule has been centered around the "kids (me, wife, brothers + spouses) going to do some activity in the afternoon, while my parents watch the babies. Given her anxiety, my wife isn't comfortable with leaving our daughter alone with them in an unfamiliar setting, which i 100% support. Regardless of if her anxiety is justified (which is a whole separate topic) the fact of the matter is that she's not going to suddenly become more comfortable with leaving her alone in the next few weeks.

However, the issue is how to deal with my family. Since this is really the first time my parents have gotten to spend 1:1 with both granddaughters at the same time, they keep saying how excited they are to spend some 1:1 time. It also doesn't help that my brother + SIL are totally on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of leaving their baby alone, so they're trying to plan all these activities during the day that aren't baby friendly at all. I also know that my family can be judgemental about this type of thing (I can just hear my mom saying "oh leave her with us! It'll be fine!). I could also see my parents getting offended that we don't want to leave our daughter with them alone (which is shitty of them, so that'll be a treat to deal with). I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do I communicate with my family that we aren't comfortable leaving our daughter alone without throwing my wife under the bus about her anxiety, but also ensuring that no one is offended?

There is a difference between putting on a united front for your parents/family, which I 100 percent agree with, and not recognizing that your baby could be picking up on your wife's anxiety and not properly adjusting to short separations. Many many babies suffer separation anxiety but it's part of the parents' job to take steps to help the baby adjust (not having tearful goodbyes, continually leaving the baby for durations increasing in time to help them get used to it).

You have two roles here, one in support of your wife as her husband, yes - but another as a father, and that second role requires you to at least acknowledge that you need to try to teach your baby that she will be ok with other adults if you have to leave.

Maybe the answer here is to just have your parents watch the baby in the short durations she is used to already with your in laws (30 min to an hour) and see how it goes. The problem would be if the baby does very well (!), which would put you and your wife on the spot when declining further and longer-duration babysitting offers...and that could very well happen.

This makes a lot of sense

[Anonymous]

Gah! I'm so glad I trust my parents with my children. They raised me and my siblings. They are loving, caring, competent people. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gah! I'm so glad I can trust my parents with my children. They raised me and my siblings. They are loving, caring, competent people. Good grief.

FIFY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of thoughts:

1. Separation anxiety is real and nothing new. Even before COVID, moms worried about how they kids would cope without them, and COVID certainly hasn’t helped. While they may feel your wife is overreacting, I think they would understand if your wife thanks them for their generous offer, but confides in them that as a mother she worries leaving the baby in new places, especially since COVID has meant you’ve basically been home bound the baby’s entire life. She can say that she looks forward to leaving DC with grandparents in future, and that she appreciates the great job they did raising the fine man she fell in love with.

2. Does it have to be either/or? When my baby was that age, I was exhausted. Sometimes my DH would take over so that I could just sleep, read a book, etc. could she plead off the outing saying she wants to take advantage of the baby care to recuperate. She should stay in a different part of the house, or outside and NOT HOVER. She can let them have their 1:1 time, but if the baby has a melt down, the grandparents would probably be relieved to have her available. Nobody wants the baby to suffer.

This seems like the obvious option. When my kids were tiny, I would frequently go upstairs or to another room - out of sight - and let grandparents have alone time with the baby, but then I was around to quickly help if needed.
And if that goes well and everyone feels comfortable, then maybe later in the week you can all go out for lunch without the babies or something

[Anonymous]

Ok
Try to gently set expectations now.
I get it, your wife has anxiety AND you have an infant, that’s a lot.
HOWEVER, your brother and SIL know you may be baby on a few outings with the group. Because even though I’m understanding, I have to be honest if I were your brother and sister-in-law and I was planning a vacation and I was setting time to be baby free, because sometimes you need to be baby free, I would be pissed as all get out if every outing included your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP will post in 10 years about how sad it is that his parents prefer his sibling's child? You have to stand by your wife, but if I was your mother I would absolutely be offended, but I would also happily take the time to bond with my other grandchild

I want those people third empathize with the wife and hope she gets to work on her anxiety and I think people need to give her some grace but why in the heck would they grandmother be offended?
I just cry babies have separation anxiety and parents have anxiety that’s part of life and learn how to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two 10 month old left alone with grandparents who seemed to not have had experience with babies in a generation and that the babies are not familiar with. I wouldn't be okay with that and my kids weren't the nervous kind.
The fact that the grandparents think this is a good idea and would be likely to shame OP makes me even more not okay with this setup.

I left my 11 mo old with my parents so my DH and I could go to a movie, and my mom took the opportunity to attempt to "fix" what she deemed to be an unacceptable cowlick in my child's hair. When we arrived home, my DD was screaming, red faced, on the floor. Her hair was wet where my mom had wet it and presumably attempted to comb down the cowlick, and there were several little bows on the ground with hunks of my DD's hair in them where she had torn them out of her head.

Listen, no one died, but I stopped leaving my baby with my mom after that. And it's stuff like this that gives new parents, and moms in particular, anxiety about leaving their kids. Even people who are technically capable of keeping a baby safe are not necessarily suitable caregivers. And grandparents can be among the worst, because as my mom showed, sometimes they are just so fixated on their own needs and expectations that they do not use basic common sense in caring for a baby. My mom was so obsessed with getting a cowlick-free photo of my DD with a bow in her hair that she could show her friends, that she just ignored the fact that the baby was screaming and miserable. Sorry, but that is not what I look for in a caregiver for my child.

Just take the baby with you, and tell the grandparents there will be lots of opportunities later in life for one on one time with their granddaughter. Grandparents get obsessed with babies but most of them figure out that they do better with, and have more fun with, slightly older kids who have a little more agency and don't need quite such intensive care and attention.

Gurl plz, not everyone is as batsh*** crazy as your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What even is the grandparent obsession with "one on one" time? It's honestly weird. Why do they need to be alone with an infant? I get as the child gets older and the grandparents want to have a direct relationship with them, not always mitigated by a parent. That makes sense to me. But what's the difference between spending time with a baby in the presence of the baby's parents, versus if the parents are elsewhere? IME, most babies will be more enjoyable if their parents are around because it helps set them at ease. It's normal and natural for babies to have intense bonds with their parents, especially their mothers. If mom is nearby, the baby will know that the grandparent is a trusted adult and will probably be less anxious.

My mom and MIL were both pushy about wanting 1:1 time with my DD, and I honestly think it was mostly because they wanted to do things they knew I wouldn't approve of. Like my MIL was really pushy about wanting to give my baby solids before we were ready (or before any pediatrician would ever recommend in this day and age) and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to go away so she could give my baby some rice cereal, which for some reason was really important to her. Grandparents can have a really hard time with boundaries.

No it is not weird.
Geez. Just because you have unreliable or pushy parents or in-laws doesn’t mean that every grandparent is wacko it cannot be trusted.
And lots of babies do just fine with grandparents and the parents aren’t around.
That may not be true in your case for your kids and that’s fine and that’s a valid but don’t generalize that it’s weird they grandparents want to establish independent relationship with their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - YOU deal with them by saying, "this is what I and my family would like to do ... " and you state YOUR schedule. You don't make this about your wife.

And if you need to, you spilt up your time, and YOU go alone on some activities.

Stop thinking you have to "explain your wife"

Yes. All of this. Stop letting your parents and siblings dictate your schedule. Do what is best for your nuclear family on this FAMILY vacation. Sounds like that means activities with your 10 month old. This is fine. Stop making it about your wife and making her feel worse that she's not able to easily leave the baby and have fun elsewhere while she thinks the baby is struggling.