Managing parents expectations about alone time with granddaughter

[Anonymous]

Later this summer, we are renting a house with my parents, my brothers + spouses, and our (my wife and I, and my brother + SIL) two 10 month old daughters. This is the first time we've all been together in person since Thanksgiving 2019, as we don't all live in the same city.

Due to being a "COVID baby," our daughter struggles around people and places that she's unfamiliar with. As a result, my wife has anxiety about leaving her alone for extended periods of time. For example, we've been taking her to my wife parents (who live 15 mins away from us) mutiple times a week for an hour here and there. Sometimes our daughter is okay, other times she is not, but the crux of the matter is that my wife is anxious about leaving her alone. We've gotten a little better on working on her anxiety about this situation (last weekend went out to eat just the two of us for the first time since our daughter was born!), but there's still a ways for her to go.

Anyways, in talking about planning this trip with my family, the schedule has been centered around the "kids (me, wife, brothers + spouses) going to do some activity in the afternoon, while my parents watch the babies. Given her anxiety, my wife isn't comfortable with leaving our daughter alone with them in an unfamiliar setting, which i 100% support. Regardless of if her anxiety is justified (which is a whole separate topic) the fact of the matter is that she's not going to suddenly become more comfortable with leaving her alone in the next few weeks.

However, the issue is how to deal with my family. Since this is really the first time my parents have gotten to spend 1:1 with both granddaughters at the same time, they keep saying how excited they are to spend some 1:1 time. It also doesn't help that my brother + SIL are totally on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of leaving their baby alone, so they're trying to plan all these activities during the day that aren't baby friendly at all. I also know that my family can be judgemental about this type of thing (I can just hear my mom saying "oh leave her with us! It'll be fine!). I could also see my parents getting offended that we don't want to leave our daughter with them alone (which is shitty of them, so that'll be a treat to deal with). I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do I communicate with my family that we aren't comfortable leaving our daughter alone without throwing my wife under the bus about her anxiety, but also ensuring that no one is offended?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't set expectations in advance, it just seems like there is no point in fighting about the theoretical. I would just take your baby with you, or stay home each afternoon.

The IDEA of caring for two cute grandbabies is appealing. But if your daughter is crying and the grandparents are tired, they may not actually care that much in the moment if you don't leave another baby in their hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't set expectations in advance, it just seems like there is no point in fighting about the theoretical. I would just take your baby with you, or stay home each afternoon.

The IDEA of caring for two cute grandbabies is appealing. But if your daughter is crying and the grandparents are tired, they may not actually care that much in the moment if you don't leave another baby in their hands.

Adding on, the only important thing is that you back up your wife in the moment. It's YOUR decision, jointly, about what to do each day.

[Anonymous]

There is no compound decision, you don’t worry about offending your parents. Your baby, your rules.

[Anonymous]

You have a lot of really sucky issues going on here. Trip from hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no compound decision, you don’t worry about offending your parents. Your baby, your rules.

Overly Anxious wife, weird life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't set expectations in advance, it just seems like there is no point in fighting about the theoretical. I would just take your baby with you, or stay home each afternoon.

The IDEA of caring for two cute grandbabies is appealing. But if your daughter is crying and the grandparents are tired, they may not actually care that much in the moment if you don't leave another baby in their hands.

Disagree. Sounds like plans are being made right now so since it’s your parents I would nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

[Anonymous]

Is your wife getting help for her anxiety? I would work on this first. This trip might be to much for her. You might on to talk about not going as it might be a lot for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

PP to add - you also need to be honest about this with your brothers. It sounds like they are planning some adult sibling time. You cannot just bring your daughter along - as it stands now, she's basically not invited. So you need to talk to them. Sometimes maybe that means the other brothers and wives do something without your immediate family, and you and your wife and baby either stay home with the grandparents or go do something yourselves. Sometimes, that might mean that you go with your brothers while your wife stays with the baby. But if they're excited about some kid-free time, you can't just crash it with your 10 month old. That's not fair.

[Anonymous]

Maybe once you're there, wife can stay back on some pretense. Not so much to hover, but to keep an eye out. Maybe things will go amazingly well, and she'd be comfortable leaving the baby for a little bit the next time. She always has the option of coming back from your ventures a little sooner than the rest of the folks.

[Anonymous]

I can see why your parents would feel offended if you can't leave your child with them if they are perfectly good caretakers and you don't explain that it's not them, it's your wife and your daughter's issues. I wouldn't call that shitty of them.

Do you need to take this trip right now? Seems like your wife needs to work on her anxiety (assuming your parents are good caretakers). Your daughter likely will outgrow it, but only if you and your wife give her the opportunity to outgrow it by leaving her with others so she learns you'll come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

Ugh. Please don't phrase it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife getting help for her anxiety? I would work on this first. This trip might be to much for her. You might on to talk about not going as it might be a lot for her.

I disagree with this, to an extent. OP - is your wife's concern about this proportional to your daughter's reaction? It sounds like it is.

First kid, Covid, plus 10 months is prime separation anxiety time. And it sounds like they aren't keeping the baby totally sheltered - they've been getting her used to spending time apart by leaving her with her other grandparents an hour at a time, and it's not always going well. It's totally reasonable to not want to leave a baby going through a separation anxiety phase with people she doesn't know, in an unfamiliar place, for hours at a time. That's not fun for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

Ugh. Please don't phrase it that way.

PP here. What's wrong with that phrasing?