Managing parents expectations about alone time with granddaughter

[Anonymous]

I wonder if OP will post in 10 years about how sad it is that his parents prefer his sibling's child? You have to stand by your wife, but if I was your mother I would absolutely be offended, but I would also happily take the time to bond with my other grandchild

[Anonymous]

OP is obviously written by the wife pretending to be the husband so people don’t tell her to let her husband figure it out, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

PP to add - you also need to be honest about this with your brothers. It sounds like they are planning some adult sibling time. You cannot just bring your daughter along - as it stands now, she's basically not invited. So you need to talk to them. Sometimes maybe that means the other brothers and wives do something without your immediate family, and you and your wife and baby either stay home with the grandparents or go do something yourselves. Sometimes, that might mean that you go with your brothers while your wife stays with the baby. But if they're excited about some kid-free time, you can't just crash it with your 10 month old. That's not fair.

Agree- please don’t bring your baby along for the sibling time. They may feel obligated to say it’s okay but you’ll be putting a damper on everyone else’s experience.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounds like your wife and you have the anxiety and not your 10-month-old dd.
It is like you two projected all your anxiety and gave it to your DD.
The kid will likely be perfectly fine, maybe the first day not too great, but the rest will be fine.
How is your kid to get used to being with someone else if she has never been actually left with someone else? So you leave her for an hour, so barely enough time for her to get settled with her other grandparents, and it sounds like your wife, and maybe you too, fuss so much, that your baby is picking it all up and knows how to fuss to get all the attention.
The first step is to learn how to leave! Without any fuss, that is advice for you and your wife. Just leave her with her grandparents without any fuss. That is step one in erasing your own kid's "anxiety" when you two leave.
Honestly, it sounds like you caused your kid to feel "unsettled" with your behaviors!
Now, some new parents do this; it is nothing out of the ordinary! It is a reflection of your personality and your way of parenting. But, for your own sake and your kids' sake, please learn how to keep your anxiety under control.

[Anonymous]

I think you should just tell your parents that your wife has major anxiety problems now and won't leave the baby. And then your wife can stay home or you both can stay home. It's a bummer. I was very anxious about leaving my first born with grandparents, and wow that was such a mistake. It's important to get out as an adult and it's nice to have grandparents available. Your wife will leave the baby with her own parents, but not yours. Your parents will notice that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't set expectations in advance, it just seems like there is no point in fighting about the theoretical. I would just take your baby with you, or stay home each afternoon.

The IDEA of caring for two cute grandbabies is appealing. But if your daughter is crying and the grandparents are tired, they may not actually care that much in the moment if you don't leave another baby in their hands.

Agreed. Just deal with it on a case by case basis without making a policy announcement. Adults are going mini golfing? Whichever of you who doesn't like the activity as much says, "I feel like hanging back at the house afternoon. I'm looking forward to my beach read."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should just tell your parents that your wife has major anxiety problems now and won't leave the baby. And then your wife can stay home or you both can stay home. It's a bummer. I was very anxious about leaving my first born with grandparents, and wow that was such a mistake. It's important to get out as an adult and it's nice to have grandparents available. Your wife will leave the baby with her own parents, but not yours. Your parents will notice that.

Former postpartum depression and anxiety sufferer here.

Not to pile on, but I hope your DW is under treatment and or at least is being supported and encouraged to seek treatment, whatever that looks like.

Is DW healthy enough for this “vacation?” Is she panicked and or ruminating about every detail? Does she have anticipatory anxiety?

I would consider canceling this trip, honestly, if she is overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

I would just back your wife up. If she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the baby with them, just say "Oh, we're just going to take the baby with us today! We want her to get out a bit." If your parents complain, tell them you are just doing what is right for your family.

You already said your wife's anxiety about this isn't going to magically resolve in the next few weeks. Well even if it did, this ia not a great way to test it! Just back your wife up, tell her whatever she is comfortable with is fine with you, and run some interference with your parents if necessary. But you can't go wrong just siding with your wife. You don't have to broker a deal with your parents here. You have a baby under the age of 1 and a first time mom who is dealing with some very normal first time mom issues, exacerbated by a damn pandemic. Just support her. Her needs come first.

No one ever wants to hear this because people crap on moms all the time and everyone thinks you're doing it wrong, but honestly, if you just love and support the mother of your child and listen to her, it helps address like 70% of the mental health issues of those early years of mothering. I truly believe a lot fewer women would even report symptoms of PPD or PPA if they just got the support they needed instead of constantly being expected to accommodate everyone else's needs, plus care for their baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should just tell your parents that your wife has major anxiety problems now and won't leave the baby. And then your wife can stay home or you both can stay home. It's a bummer. I was very anxious about leaving my first born with grandparents, and wow that was such a mistake. It's important to get out as an adult and it's nice to have grandparents available. Your wife will leave the baby with her own parents, but not yours. Your parents will notice that.

Former postpartum depression and anxiety sufferer here.

Not to pile on, but I hope your DW is under treatment and or at least is being supported and encouraged to seek treatment, whatever that looks like.

Is DW healthy enough for this “vacation?” Is she panicked and or ruminating about every detail? Does she have anticipatory anxiety?

I would consider canceling this trip, honestly, if she is overwhelmed.

And back to say that I wish I’d had the courage and foresight to have canceled similar family vacations in the midst of my then undiagnosed anxiety. Sheer hell and I made up all sorts of excuses for why I’d need to stay behind or force myself to do other things when I was miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is obviously written by the wife pretending to be the husband so people don’t tell her to let her husband figure it out, right?

possibly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

Ugh. Please don't phrase it that way.

PP here. What's wrong with that phrasing?

I mean, no reasonable grandparent wants to hear that their grandchild is having anxiety issues, will be uncomfortable with them, and that it is an unfamiliar place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife getting help for her anxiety? I would work on this first. This trip might be to much for her. You might on to talk about not going as it might be a lot for her.

I disagree with this, to an extent. OP - is your wife's concern about this proportional to your daughter's reaction? It sounds like it is.

First kid, Covid, plus 10 months is prime separation anxiety time. And it sounds like they aren't keeping the baby totally sheltered - they've been getting her used to spending time apart by leaving her with her other grandparents an hour at a time, and it's not always going well. It's totally reasonable to not want to leave a baby going through a separation anxiety phase with people she doesn't know, in an unfamiliar place, for hours at a time. That's not fun for anyone.

There's nothing wrong with this. Is it your first child? I remember when i had my first, i was always anxious to leave her even with her dad, but slowly it went away. She is 5 now and it's fine, she is a well adjusted kid. I am much better about my #2, though i still wouldn't leave my 1 yr old with anyone but my husband or my mother (she cares for him on a day to day basis /primary caregiver during the work day).

[Anonymous]

Can your mom watch the babies? I couldn't leave mine since I was breastfeeding. Babies are so portable too! I enjoyed doing things with them while they were somewhat immobile.

[Anonymous]

Two 10 month old left alone with grandparents who seemed to not have had experience with babies in a generation and that the babies are not familiar with. I wouldn't be okay with that and my kids weren't the nervous kind.
The fact that the grandparents think this is a good idea and would be likely to shame OP makes me even more not okay with this setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should just tell your parents that your wife has major anxiety problems now and won't leave the baby. And then your wife can stay home or you both can stay home. It's a bummer. I was very anxious about leaving my first born with grandparents, and wow that was such a mistake. It's important to get out as an adult and it's nice to have grandparents available. Your wife will leave the baby with her own parents, but not yours. Your parents will notice that.

Former postpartum depression and anxiety sufferer here.

Not to pile on, but I hope your DW is under treatment and or at least is being supported and encouraged to seek treatment, whatever that looks like.

Is DW healthy enough for this “vacation?” Is she panicked and or ruminating about every detail? Does she have anticipatory anxiety?

I would consider canceling this trip, honestly, if she is overwhelmed.

And back to say that I wish I’d had the courage and foresight to have canceled similar family vacations in the midst of my then undiagnosed anxiety. Sheer hell and I made up all sorts of excuses for why I’d need to stay behind or force myself to do other things when I was miserable.

+1 The way the OP describes the situation makes it sound like the anxiety is stronger on the part of the mom than the baby (who will more likely than not, adjust within the hour, as babies tend to do). OP should warn his parents about this ahead of time, so they're not blindsided when she doesn't want to leave the baby.