Managing parents expectations about alone time with granddaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two 10 month old left alone with grandparents who seemed to not have had experience with babies in a generation and that the babies are not familiar with. I wouldn't be okay with that and my kids weren't the nervous kind.
The fact that the grandparents think this is a good idea and would be likely to shame OP makes me even more not okay with this setup.

I left my 11 mo old with my parents so my DH and I could go to a movie, and my mom took the opportunity to attempt to "fix" what she deemed to be an unacceptable cowlick in my child's hair. When we arrived home, my DD was screaming, red faced, on the floor. Her hair was wet where my mom had wet it and presumably attempted to comb down the cowlick, and there were several little bows on the ground with hunks of my DD's hair in them where she had torn them out of her head.

Listen, no one died, but I stopped leaving my baby with my mom after that. And it's stuff like this that gives new parents, and moms in particular, anxiety about leaving their kids. Even people who are technically capable of keeping a baby safe are not necessarily suitable caregivers. And grandparents can be among the worst, because as my mom showed, sometimes they are just so fixated on their own needs and expectations that they do not use basic common sense in caring for a baby. My mom was so obsessed with getting a cowlick-free photo of my DD with a bow in her hair that she could show her friends, that she just ignored the fact that the baby was screaming and miserable. Sorry, but that is not what I look for in a caregiver for my child.

Just take the baby with you, and tell the grandparents there will be lots of opportunities later in life for one on one time with their granddaughter. Grandparents get obsessed with babies but most of them figure out that they do better with, and have more fun with, slightly older kids who have a little more agency and don't need quite such intensive care and attention.

Gurl plz, not everyone is as batsh*** crazy as your mom.

Many, many grandparents are precisely this level of crazy -- fixating on a specific way of interacting with your kids without making room for anyone to have other preferences or for things to just happen unexpectedly (which is what happens with kids all the time). Kind of like how OP's parents are being very pushy about wanting to spend time alone with OP's DD, and are not really considering that it might not be what OP, his wife, or his DD want. Rigidity and lack of boundaries are very common issues with grandparents, as you might have gathered by reading this forum for any length of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

Ugh. Please don't phrase it that way.

Separation anxiety at 10 months is a normal developmental phase. It is not pathological. It’s actually a sign of appropriate attachment to caregivers. “She just hit the normal separation anxiety phase” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

PP here. What's wrong with that phrasing?

I mean, no reasonable grandparent wants to hear that their grandchild is having anxiety issues, will be uncomfortable with them, and that it is an unfamiliar place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think as soon as they offered to babysit, you should have just said "oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a bit of a separation anxiety phase right now - she doesn't do well in unfamiliar places, and she may not be comfortable without us. Let's see how the week goes, but I think for this trip, that might not be workable."

That's if you want to leave the door open (as, since it is a week long vacation, your daughter could very well be comfortable enough for this to happen right? There's still a possibility?)

If you are definitely not going to have the parents babysit, change it to, "Oh, that's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, she's in a separation anxiety phase right now, and does not do well if we're not nearby, so that's not going to work for this trip."

Because it sounds like your parents said "we'll do this for you!" thinking it was a favor (which, let's be clear, it generally is!), the other family is psyched, and you haven't said anything, so everyone is assuming this is what's happen and are planning accordingly. Sounds like you need to tell people now that this won't work.

Ugh. Please don't phrase it that way.

PP here. What's wrong with that phrasing?

I mean, no reasonable grandparent wants to hear that their grandchild is having anxiety issues, will be uncomfortable with them, and that it is an unfamiliar place.

Separation anxiety at 10 months is a normal developmental phase. It is not pathological. It’s actually a sign of appropriate attachment to caregivers. “She just hit the normal separation anxiety phase” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just back your wife up. If she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the baby with them, just say "Oh, we're just going to take the baby with us today! We want her to get out a bit." If your parents complain, tell them you are just doing what is right for your family.

You already said your wife's anxiety about this isn't going to magically resolve in the next few weeks. Well even if it did, this ia not a great way to test it! Just back your wife up, tell her whatever she is comfortable with is fine with you, and run some interference with your parents if necessary. But you can't go wrong just siding with your wife. You don't have to broker a deal with your parents here. You have a baby under the age of 1 and a first time mom who is dealing with some very normal first time mom issues, exacerbated by a damn pandemic. Just support her. Her needs come first.

No one ever wants to hear this because people crap on moms all the time and everyone thinks you're doing it wrong, but honestly, if you just love and support the mother of your child and listen to her, it helps address like 70% of the mental health issues of those early years of mothering. I truly believe a lot fewer women would even report symptoms of PPD or PPA if they just got the support they needed instead of constantly being expected to accommodate everyone else's needs, plus care for their baby.

I agree with this all heartily. I look back at my first two babies and wonder WHY THE HELL I agreed to all that I did. We went to Busch Gardens when I was 3 weeks postpartum and I remember just bleeding nonstop (it was too much activity for me) and baby was crying from being so hot and sweaty. We went to appease inlaws. I remember staying at inlaws houses without rocking chairs and my babies just screaming and I had little to no way to comfort them.

I'm pregnant now and dh keeps talking about all the trips we'll take on maternity leave. I nipped it in the bud. He keeps saying how portable newborns are. I said yes, but when I'm up all night breastfeeding, I feel like shit, am tired, and I don't want to take any trips. I want to relax and snuggle the last baby I'm ever going to have. Our guest room is open to people who want to see the baby. I'm just not traveling postpartum. I definitely feel like I set myself on fire to keep everyone warm before and it exacerbated my PPD.

Good for you, PP! Maternity leave is not for your DH’s travel bucket list! That’s madness! Chill and snuggle and recover. Glad you can enjoy this one and take it easy.

[Anonymous]

You can try to spin this that it's your joint decision or the baby's fault for being unnerved by new surroundings (not the big deal you're making it btw) but ultimately it's going to be very clear that it's your wife with issues. And when it's pointed out that your DC stays with her other grandparents and the daycare it will be obvious that your wife is playing this her own way. I respect that she has anxiety, but it seems selective. Is she obsessive and rigid about other aspects of your DD's schedule and lifestyle? You might have a much bigger issue than you think going on here if your DW can't detach.

I hope your baby adores your parents and stays with them willingly just to see how your wife reacts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can try to spin this that it's your joint decision or the baby's fault for being unnerved by new surroundings (not the big deal you're making it btw) but ultimately it's going to be very clear that it's your wife with issues. And when it's pointed out that your DC stays with her other grandparents and the daycare it will be obvious that your wife is playing this her own way. I respect that she has anxiety, but it seems selective. Is she obsessive and rigid about other aspects of your DD's schedule and lifestyle? You might have a much bigger issue than you think going on here if your DW can't detach.

I hope your baby adores your parents and stays with them willingly just to see how your wife reacts

She trusts her parents and daycare and knows that the baby is OK with them. Situation is totally different with the other grandparents and a vacation rental and the weird insistence that both babies be left together with the grandparents. She is the parent - nobody gets to pressure/insist/guilt her into accessing her baby. Even suggesting that is a big boundary violation that would likely make me refuse, anxiety or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. Your wife needs to set the tone for the baby that of course everything is fine. The baby is picking up on her anxiety. Let the baby get used to the grandparents the first day, then leave her with them. If she cries hysterically then you'll know and adjust accordingly. But go in assuming the best.

OP, ignore this. You don't "need" to do anything. Your baby, your family, your choice.

[Anonymous]

1. A 10 month old being cautious or nervous in a new or unfamiliar setting or unfamiliar people is not a COVID thing it's developmentally normal
2. This post is clearly written by the wife/ mom whose

3. I think it's best for your anxiety and your baby to not decide now but leave it open ended see how things go. Your daughter may. warn up to your in-laws quickly..

4. While ops are right that mons should be supported post oartem depression is not caused or stopped just by support or lack of

5. I wish you the best io and keep reaching out for professional support

[Anonymous]

I strongly disagree with posts saying your wife needs to just “get over” her ppd and do whatever everyone else wants her to do. She is in therapy for her anxiety, she is doing the work she needs to be doing.

One very important lesson both my husband and I learned after we had our first child was how crucial it was to set clear boundaries and stand firm and united on them. We both have lovely parents but both sides of our family pushed us on things we were not comfortable doing over the years. It is not up to them and that’s something they need to respect.

[Anonymous]

You can't ensure they aren't offended since you can't control others perceptions, but you can control your messaging. If you don't want to throw wife under the bus, then don't! Present decisions as your own/joint. Ask them to be patient with you as new parents as you work through the adjustment.

The other thing you have to do is own the consequences. If you are secure in your decisions, then no big deal. If you are leaving your child with your in-laws but not your own parents then you need to be able to explain to yourself why that's okay or "fair" without guilt (as in one family discards safety or is incapacitated) If you can't, then perhaps it's not the correct decision (as in you are playing favorites)

I have a sibling who is a neurotic parent. Extended family has many opinions on all the things we perceive they are doing wrong based on our own experiences. Humans are judged - fact. But they're content and don't want to entertain suggestions so I keep my thoughts to myself and don't guilt them when their choices affect the family as a whole (ie missed opportunities.) I can still think they're wrong but I will respect their commitment. That said, I will probably adopt their attitude of MYOB and not make myself available for help later if their decisions come back to bite them in the a$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is obviously written by the wife pretending to be the husband so people don’t tell her to let her husband figure it out, right?

I thought the same when I read the word “anyways”.

The wife is a nut. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like your wife and you have the anxiety and not your 10-month-old dd.
It is like you two projected all your anxiety and gave it to your DD.
The kid will likely be perfectly fine, maybe the first day not too great, but the rest will be fine.
How is your kid to get used to being with someone else if she has never been actually left with someone else? So you leave her for an hour, so barely enough time for her to get settled with her other grandparents, and it sounds like your wife, and maybe you too, fuss so much, that your baby is picking it all up and knows how to fuss to get all the attention.
The first step is to learn how to leave! Without any fuss, that is advice for you and your wife. Just leave her with her grandparents without any fuss. That is step one in erasing your own kid's "anxiety" when you two leave.
Honestly, it sounds like you caused your kid to feel "unsettled" with your behaviors!
Now, some new parents do this; it is nothing out of the ordinary! It is a reflection of your personality and your way of parenting. But, for your own sake and your kids' sake, please learn how to keep your anxiety under control.

Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't have anxiety but I was not okay with leaving my babies with other people. I had babies so I could enjoy them during their awake time! I sent them to daycare because I had to, but on vacation I wanted to be with my kids. I would have found it really strange that my mom or MIL wanted to stay back and watch babies. Why couldn't babies go? We did adult things after the 7pm baby bedtime and got babysitters.

So, you weren’t ok with leaving your babies with grandparents, but hired babysitters on vacation? Okay.