Managing parents expectations about alone time with granddaughter

[Anonymous]

OP, your wife and your baby are fine. Just tell your parents that the baby is not used to be away from the mom, thank them for the offer to babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just back your wife up. If she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the baby with them, just say "Oh, we're just going to take the baby with us today! We want her to get out a bit." If your parents complain, tell them you are just doing what is right for your family.

You already said your wife's anxiety about this isn't going to magically resolve in the next few weeks. Well even if it did, this ia not a great way to test it! Just back your wife up, tell her whatever she is comfortable with is fine with you, and run some interference with your parents if necessary. But you can't go wrong just siding with your wife. You don't have to broker a deal with your parents here. You have a baby under the age of 1 and a first time mom who is dealing with some very normal first time mom issues, exacerbated by a damn pandemic. Just support her. Her needs come first.

No one ever wants to hear this because people crap on moms all the time and everyone thinks you're doing it wrong, but honestly, if you just love and support the mother of your child and listen to her, it helps address like 70% of the mental health issues of those early years of mothering. I truly believe a lot fewer women would even report symptoms of PPD or PPA if they just got the support they needed instead of constantly being expected to accommodate everyone else's needs, plus care for their baby.

I agree with this all heartily. I look back at my first two babies and wonder WHY THE HELL I agreed to all that I did. We went to Busch Gardens when I was 3 weeks postpartum and I remember just bleeding nonstop (it was too much activity for me) and baby was crying from being so hot and sweaty. We went to appease inlaws. I remember staying at inlaws houses without rocking chairs and my babies just screaming and I had little to no way to comfort them.

I'm pregnant now and dh keeps talking about all the trips we'll take on maternity leave. I nipped it in the bud. He keeps saying how portable newborns are. I said yes, but when I'm up all night breastfeeding, I feel like shit, am tired, and I don't want to take any trips. I want to relax and snuggle the last baby I'm ever going to have. Our guest room is open to people who want to see the baby. I'm just not traveling postpartum. I definitely feel like I set myself on fire to keep everyone warm before and it exacerbated my PPD.

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to PPs who trained their babies like dogs: "Leave them for an hour with someone, then make it longer. It is ok if the baby is crying and is upset. S/he will get used to this"

Babies come in different "shapes": some are ok with staying with strangers/in unfamiliar setting, some are not.
You baby is not a dog, don't train her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife getting help for her anxiety? I would work on this first. This trip might be to much for her. You might on to talk about not going as it might be a lot for her.

+1

If I am your wife, I offer to stay back at the vacation house with grandparents, and be the extra helping hand, or just relaxing, so that that full caring burden (diapers, feeding, etc.) does not fall on grandparents. And did they sign up to be everyday sitters on this vacation? Sounds like BIL and SIL see vacation = free babysitting for them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Later this summer, we are renting a house with my parents, my brothers + spouses, and our (my wife and I, and my brother + SIL) two 10 month old daughters. This is the first time we've all been together in person since Thanksgiving 2019, as we don't all live in the same city.

Due to being a "COVID baby," our daughter struggles around people and places that she's unfamiliar with. As a result, my wife has anxiety about leaving her alone for extended periods of time. For example, we've been taking her to my wife parents (who live 15 mins away from us) mutiple times a week for an hour here and there. Sometimes our daughter is okay, other times she is not, but the crux of the matter is that my wife is anxious about leaving her alone. We've gotten a little better on working on her anxiety about this situation (last weekend went out to eat just the two of us for the first time since our daughter was born!), but there's still a ways for her to go.

Anyways, in talking about planning this trip with my family, the schedule has been centered around the "kids (me, wife, brothers + spouses) going to do some activity in the afternoon, while my parents watch the babies. Given her anxiety, my wife isn't comfortable with leaving our daughter alone with them in an unfamiliar setting, which i 100% support. Regardless of if her anxiety is justified (which is a whole separate topic) the fact of the matter is that she's not going to suddenly become more comfortable with leaving her alone in the next few weeks.

However, the issue is how to deal with my family. Since this is really the first time my parents have gotten to spend 1:1 with both granddaughters at the same time, they keep saying how excited they are to spend some 1:1 time. It also doesn't help that my brother + SIL are totally on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of leaving their baby alone, so they're trying to plan all these activities during the day that aren't baby friendly at all. I also know that my family can be judgemental about this type of thing (I can just hear my mom saying "oh leave her with us! It'll be fine!). I could also see my parents getting offended that we don't want to leave our daughter with them alone (which is shitty of them, so that'll be a treat to deal with). I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do I communicate with my family that we aren't comfortable leaving our daughter alone without throwing my wife under the bus about her anxiety, but also ensuring that no one is offended?

There is a difference between putting on a united front for your parents/family, which I 100 percent agree with, and not recognizing that your baby could be picking up on your wife's anxiety and not properly adjusting to short separations. Many many babies suffer separation anxiety but it's part of the parents' job to take steps to help the baby adjust (not having tearful goodbyes, continually leaving the baby for durations increasing in time to help them get used to it).

You have two roles here, one in support of your wife as her husband, yes - but another as a father, and that second role requires you to at least acknowledge that you need to try to teach your baby that she will be ok with other adults if you have to leave.

Maybe the answer here is to just have your parents watch the baby in the short durations she is used to already with your in laws (30 min to an hour) and see how it goes. The problem would be if the baby does very well (!), which would put you and your wife on the spot when declining further and longer-duration babysitting offers...and that could very well happen.

[Anonymous]

OP Here with a few follow ups:


- DW has been seeing a therapist for her post-partum depression. It's definitely improved over the past few weeks. Having our daughter successfully transition to a new daycare has helped as well.

- Regarding specifics about our daughters anxiety, the issue is when she's without us in an unfamiliar place. Both my wifes parents and my parents have watched her in our house without us present, and that's been fine. Since for this weekend, our daughter will be in a place that she's literally never been to in her life, that's what's causing the anxiety.

- To the poster who commented that we're projecting our anxiety onto our daughter; that's probably true to an extent. There have been times where I've said to my wife "we just have to let her try a new situation," which is how we were able to successfully have her be watched in our house.

- Regarding how to talk with my parents about this, they're the kind of people who will be pushy to get us to watch our daughter, as opposed to being understanding. For example, I could see that if I said "our daughter is having some seperation anxiety, so we'll maybe do something all together," they'd counter with "oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. She doesn't seem fussy now!" instead of just being supportive of our decision. In talking to my wife, I can tell that this isn't something that she's going to budge/be flexible on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two 10 month old left alone with grandparents who seemed to not have had experience with babies in a generation and that the babies are not familiar with. I wouldn't be okay with that and my kids weren't the nervous kind.
The fact that the grandparents think this is a good idea and would be likely to shame OP makes me even more not okay with this setup.

I left my 11 mo old with my parents so my DH and I could go to a movie, and my mom took the opportunity to attempt to "fix" what she deemed to be an unacceptable cowlick in my child's hair. When we arrived home, my DD was screaming, red faced, on the floor. Her hair was wet where my mom had wet it and presumably attempted to comb down the cowlick, and there were several little bows on the ground with hunks of my DD's hair in them where she had torn them out of her head.

Listen, no one died, but I stopped leaving my baby with my mom after that. And it's stuff like this that gives new parents, and moms in particular, anxiety about leaving their kids. Even people who are technically capable of keeping a baby safe are not necessarily suitable caregivers. And grandparents can be among the worst, because as my mom showed, sometimes they are just so fixated on their own needs and expectations that they do not use basic common sense in caring for a baby. My mom was so obsessed with getting a cowlick-free photo of my DD with a bow in her hair that she could show her friends, that she just ignored the fact that the baby was screaming and miserable. Sorry, but that is not what I look for in a caregiver for my child.

Just take the baby with you, and tell the grandparents there will be lots of opportunities later in life for one on one time with their granddaughter. Grandparents get obsessed with babies but most of them figure out that they do better with, and have more fun with, slightly older kids who have a little more agency and don't need quite such intensive care and attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't listen to PPs who trained their babies like dogs: "Leave them for an hour with someone, then make it longer. It is ok if the baby is crying and is upset. S/he will get used to this"

Babies come in different "shapes": some are ok with staying with strangers/in unfamiliar setting, some are not.
You baby is not a dog, don't train her.

-1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just back your wife up. If she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the baby with them, just say "Oh, we're just going to take the baby with us today! We want her to get out a bit." If your parents complain, tell them you are just doing what is right for your family.

You already said your wife's anxiety about this isn't going to magically resolve in the next few weeks. Well even if it did, this ia not a great way to test it! Just back your wife up, tell her whatever she is comfortable with is fine with you, and run some interference with your parents if necessary. But you can't go wrong just siding with your wife. You don't have to broker a deal with your parents here. You have a baby under the age of 1 and a first time mom who is dealing with some very normal first time mom issues, exacerbated by a damn pandemic. Just support her. Her needs come first.

No one ever wants to hear this because people crap on moms all the time and everyone thinks you're doing it wrong, but honestly, if you just love and support the mother of your child and listen to her, it helps address like 70% of the mental health issues of those early years of mothering. I truly believe a lot fewer women would even report symptoms of PPD or PPA if they just got the support they needed instead of constantly being expected to accommodate everyone else's needs, plus care for their baby.

I agree with this all heartily. I look back at my first two babies and wonder WHY THE HELL I agreed to all that I did. We went to Busch Gardens when I was 3 weeks postpartum and I remember just bleeding nonstop (it was too much activity for me) and baby was crying from being so hot and sweaty. We went to appease inlaws. I remember staying at inlaws houses without rocking chairs and my babies just screaming and I had little to no way to comfort them.

I'm pregnant now and dh keeps talking about all the trips we'll take on maternity leave. I nipped it in the bud. He keeps saying how portable newborns are. I said yes, but when I'm up all night breastfeeding, I feel like shit, am tired, and I don't want to take any trips. I want to relax and snuggle the last baby I'm ever going to have. Our guest room is open to people who want to see the baby. I'm just not traveling postpartum. I definitely feel like I set myself on fire to keep everyone warm before and it exacerbated my PPD.

+1 more.
I learnt my lesson with the first one and made myself and my #2 baby a priority. No stupid social trips over the weekends to show the baby like an award to all of husband's friends and relatives. All i wanted to do on the weekends after my #1 was sleep in and relax a little after stressful work and stress with pumping at work during work hours between meetings and calls with 1 tiny closet size pumping room for 6 women in line who need to pump around the same schedule.
And surprisingly as soon as i made myself a priority at home, my spouse understood and backed off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here with a few follow ups:


- DW has been seeing a therapist for her post-partum depression. It's definitely improved over the past few weeks. Having our daughter successfully transition to a new daycare has helped as well.

- Regarding specifics about our daughters anxiety, the issue is when she's without us in an unfamiliar place. Both my wifes parents and my parents have watched her in our house without us present, and that's been fine. Since for this weekend, our daughter will be in a place that she's literally never been to in her life, that's what's causing the anxiety.

- To the poster who commented that we're projecting our anxiety onto our daughter; that's probably true to an extent. There have been times where I've said to my wife "we just have to let her try a new situation," which is how we were able to successfully have her be watched in our house.

- Regarding how to talk with my parents about this, they're the kind of people who will be pushy to get us to watch our daughter, as opposed to being understanding. For example, I could see that if I said "our daughter is having some seperation anxiety, so we'll maybe do something all together," they'd counter with "oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. She doesn't seem fussy now!" instead of just being supportive of our decision. In talking to my wife, I can tell that this isn't something that she's going to budge/be flexible on.

Thank you for your update OP. You both seem to have good heads on your shoulders! I am concerned that this trip is too much, too soon given the bolded and your parents' personalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here with a few follow ups:


- DW has been seeing a therapist for her post-partum depression. It's definitely improved over the past few weeks. Having our daughter successfully transition to a new daycare has helped as well.

- Regarding specifics about our daughters anxiety, the issue is when she's without us in an unfamiliar place. Both my wifes parents and my parents have watched her in our house without us present, and that's been fine. Since for this weekend, our daughter will be in a place that she's literally never been to in her life, that's what's causing the anxiety.

- To the poster who commented that we're projecting our anxiety onto our daughter; that's probably true to an extent. There have been times where I've said to my wife "we just have to let her try a new situation," which is how we were able to successfully have her be watched in our house.

- Regarding how to talk with my parents about this, they're the kind of people who will be pushy to get us to watch our daughter, as opposed to being understanding. For example, I could see that if I said "our daughter is having some seperation anxiety, so we'll maybe do something all together," they'd counter with "oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. She doesn't seem fussy now!" instead of just being supportive of our decision. In talking to my wife, I can tell that this isn't something that she's going to budge/be flexible on.

OP, your post isn't so clear. Are you've saying that you've left your 10 month old in unfamiliar places and she had what could be considered higher than normal anxiety or that your wife is anxious that your daughter will be anxious in a new place? In either case, if your parents say, I'm sure she'll be fine, DW just says, oh, I'm tired and going to hang around at home with you all anyway, and she can hover over them in a way that makes her feel comfortable. Her baby, her choice.

[Anonymous]

What do you think is the reason they want to be alone with the baby as opposed to just holding and playing with the baby while you both are around? Do you think they worry they will not get enough cuddle time, or that the baby will cry with mom around and won't let them hold her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife getting help for her anxiety? I would work on this first. This trip might be to much for her. You might on to talk about not going as it might be a lot for her.

+1

If I am your wife, I offer to stay back at the vacation house with grandparents, and be the extra helping hand, or just relaxing, so that that full caring burden (diapers, feeding, etc.) does not fall on grandparents. And did they sign up to be everyday sitters on this vacation? Sounds like BIL and SIL see vacation = free babysitting for them!

I agree with this. If your wife is going to be anxious the entire time that the adults are supposed to be out having fun, no one will have fun. She doesn't have to hover over the baby but she can take time to read on the balcony or beach while the babies are with the grandparents. If the baby is fine, great--that should ease her anxiety. But if the baby can't handle it, at least the mom will be there to swoop in.

I do think it's nice for the grandparents to have some individual time with the baby and your baby is going to need to get used to being in different places so this could be a nice easy way to do that.

[Anonymous]

What even is the grandparent obsession with "one on one" time? It's honestly weird. Why do they need to be alone with an infant? I get as the child gets older and the grandparents want to have a direct relationship with them, not always mitigated by a parent. That makes sense to me. But what's the difference between spending time with a baby in the presence of the baby's parents, versus if the parents are elsewhere? IME, most babies will be more enjoyable if their parents are around because it helps set them at ease. It's normal and natural for babies to have intense bonds with their parents, especially their mothers. If mom is nearby, the baby will know that the grandparent is a trusted adult and will probably be less anxious.

My mom and MIL were both pushy about wanting 1:1 time with my DD, and I honestly think it was mostly because they wanted to do things they knew I wouldn't approve of. Like my MIL was really pushy about wanting to give my baby solids before we were ready (or before any pediatrician would ever recommend in this day and age) and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to go away so she could give my baby some rice cereal, which for some reason was really important to her. Grandparents can have a really hard time with boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I've have twins. 10 month old are surprisingly mobile, unlike 4 month olds. I was teased into the logistics of caring for 2 babies, because I had a chance to get used to it as they grew. I was the most exhausted from 10 months to the toddler years when I would have to care for my twins without DH.
I wouldn't be a pro at caring for two 10 months olds now because I no longer remember all the things you had to consider with babies that age. My experience has humbled me to the point where I feel I could safely care for 2 older babies. I wouldn't think two grandparents with limited experience would be ready for that. Maybe, OP or his wife (I vote for OP) can remain with his baby and the other granddaughter and help out his parents on the initial excursion and see how the baby adapts and how the grands are. Go there with this expectation laid on the table. Be sure to baby proof when you get there.