Girlfriend Wants To Get Engaged Before Moving In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an alternative suggestion. Why not try spending one week on and one week off at your respective houses for a month or two (i.e. one week your place, one week her place). Then you can see if your living styles are generally compatible and neither of you has to give up your place.

OP here. We already pretty much live together. She spend 90% of her time at my place. Most weeks she is here 1-2 times a week and all weekend. It’s still different than living together 24/7 I heard. All of my friends moved in first before getting engaged and I didn’t really think there was anything wrong with it.

There isn't anything "wrong" with it, but your girlfriend doesn't want to! And it seems like your friends are fine, but you never truly know what's going on in a couple. People who move in together are at risk of marrying due to inertia or because breaking up is logistically difficult-- bad reasons to marry, but the consequences may take a while to show up. Checking for compatibility is more about making sure the man will pull his weight managing a household and not be a lazy sexist slob, so if you are truly concerned about your compatibility there then sure, insist on living together and see if she walks. But you need to understand that moving in with you means giving up her apartment and if the relationship fails or you drag your feet, she'll be in a bad situation needing to find a new place. All the risk is on her.

If you want her to feel truly cherished and respected and are certain you want to be with her, why not just propose now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

Best of luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

This is wonderful -- good luck! Don't let her slip away!

[Anonymous]

OP, you talk about what your parents say, what your friends did, what's "normal"-- do you have any opinions of your own? You don't have to do what's "normal" and if you think your parents are the boss of this you are not mature enough to get married. Try to figure out what is right for the two of you, unique individuals. Not what's right for other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

Wow, I think this is the most willing I’ve ever seen an OP to see the other side of an issue and consider changing their mind after doing so. I admit, I’m one of the pp’s who was skeptical that you were ready for commitment, but I stand corrected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you talk about what your parents say, what your friends did, what's "normal"-- do you have any opinions of your own? You don't have to do what's "normal" and if you think your parents are the boss of this you are not mature enough to get married. Try to figure out what is right for the two of you, unique individuals. Not what's right for other people.

OP here. I don’t think my parents are the boss. I look up to them because they have been happily married for over 20 years. I want the mind fo marriage they have. Almost all of aunts and and uncles have been married for 20+ years. Some have been together for over 40 years. They all lived together. Most of my friends have very happy marriages and all lived together first. One of my friends had his fiancé break up with him after they moved on together but she said she realized she couldn’t live with him. I have my own opinions, but I also look to those who can give good advice on marriage.

Her family all got married before moving in and that is what she is used to.

[Anonymous]

Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

[Anonymous]

Your GF is smart and practical. You should see these as attributes you want in a marriage. I was in the same boat as your GF with my now DH years ago. After living together once and breaking up I was left with a mess. I refused to live with anyone again until we were married or had some legal agreement. We reconciled later, and was almost immediately he was transferred to a role overseas and asked me to go with. I said I couldn’t leave my career and home unless we were married. We planned a wedding very quickly after and have been together over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

Wow, I think this is the most willing I’ve ever seen an OP to see the other side of an issue and consider changing their mind after doing so. I admit, I’m one of the pp’s who was skeptical that you were ready for commitment, but I stand corrected.

OP here. I knew I was going or propose in the fall after living together, so a couple of months sooner isn’t that much of a change.

I have never lived with a girlfriend. I told my girlfriend months into the relationship I would only ever live with a woman if I knew I was going or marry her. She shouldn’t doubt it. I’ve never given her any indication I wouldn’t marry her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

+1. There are usually multiple issues and most women move in knowing that they likely will never get engaged.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know 1 person that lived together that didn’t get married.

She sounds high maintenance. Hard pass. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I was like your GF. Glad you're coming around OP, agree with the many thoughtful PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

Wow, I think this is the most willing I’ve ever seen an OP to see the other side of an issue and consider changing their mind after doing so. I admit, I’m one of the pp’s who was skeptical that you were ready for commitment, but I stand corrected.

OP here. I knew I was going or propose in the fall after living together, so a couple of months sooner isn’t that much of a change.

I have never lived with a girlfriend. I told my girlfriend months into the relationship I would only ever live with a woman if I knew I was going or marry her. She shouldn’t doubt it. I’ve never given her any indication I wouldn’t marry her.

That you know of. But you may have inadvertently, and you're swimming against a cultural tide of flaky dudes who just want to prolong dating and avoid making a real decision. You are asking her to uproot her home, give up her lease, and be vulnerable to having to move out fast if you break up. She absolutely should look after her own interests and she does not owe you the benefit of the doubt. Glad things worked out for your friends (so far), but she probably has plenty of friends who moved in and came to regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

Wow, I think this is the most willing I’ve ever seen an OP to see the other side of an issue and consider changing their mind after doing so. I admit, I’m one of the pp’s who was skeptical that you were ready for commitment, but I stand corrected.

OP here. I knew I was going or propose in the fall after living together, so a couple of months sooner isn’t that much of a change.

I have never lived with a girlfriend. I told my girlfriend months into the relationship I would only ever live with a woman if I knew I was going or marry her. She shouldn’t doubt it. I’ve never given her any indication I wouldn’t marry her.

Talk is cheap. The biggest indicator that you can give her is a ring. Take her ring shopping this weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know 1 person that lived together that didn’t get married.

She sounds high maintenance. Hard pass. Move on.

Oh my goodness, I know so many people who either had long drawn out breakups after living together, or got engaged after 5 years of living together and then got divorced.