Girlfriend Wants To Get Engaged Before Moving In

[Anonymous]

OP, you don’t want to marry her, you just want her around as an option. If you did want to marry her, the easy answer would be to get engaged, with the knowledge that if you turned out to fundamentally incompatible after moving in together, you could break off the engagement.

But really, if you know each other enough to be ready for marriage, you don’t need to live together to know if you’re fundamentally incompatible. What do you really think you’re going to learn about her after moving in together that there wouldn't already at least be hints of?

[Anonymous]

I had the opposite situation with my now husband. I wanted to live together first. I think you should ask yourself if you really want more time before getting married or if you are just basing your opinions on something your parents said.

Don’t propose before you are sure you want to but also don’t make her compromise her own values.

[Anonymous]

Your GF is smart. I know too many women who endlessly lived with man children who wanted to “live together first for awhile” which stretched into years. If you don’t want to get married why do you want to live together?

[Anonymous]

Unless you’re younger than 25 or so, a year of dating is long enough to know whether you want to marry someone. Guys will string along a woman for years because it’s convenient, and when she finally gets fed up and leaves, get engaged to the next woman in less than a year. She’s being smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I said this to my now husband 17 years ago.

She’s being smart.

Break off the engagement if it doesn’t work out.

+1. I said this to my husband 10 years ago. I just had no desire to make myself vulnerable in that way (hanging my place to live on a romantic relationship) without commitment. Honestly, i would have liked to get married first, engagement was a compromise based on lease ending dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your GF is smart. I know too many women who endlessly lived with man children who wanted to “live together first for awhile” which stretched into years. If you don’t want to get married why do you want to live together?

I think this can work if both people are young (early 20s) and don’t mind taking their time. OP, your parents may have based their beliefs around this type of situation. If your girlfriend (or you) is pressed to get married i can see why living together first could be a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your GF is smart. I know too many women who endlessly lived with man children who wanted to “live together first for awhile” which stretched into years. If you don’t want to get married why do you want to live together?

+1
Team girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your GF sounds very traditional which is personally refreshing to hear.

I say you propose, then move in together.
If you two are not compatible at all - then just break off the engagement.

It really is quite simple. 💍

+1. Old fashioned works. I was watching a YT video with Steve Harvey and a guest. The guy said “ you need a ring and a deed on her wedding day or you don’t get my daughter”. They talked to women who moved in and never got a ring. They said old fashion works and do never move in unless you have a commitment.

[Anonymous]

She is smart.

I made the same decision with my boyfriend, who asked me to move in after a year. No move. We got engaged 6 months later and have been married for a decade now, very good marriage.

I learned this lesson the hard way, living with a boyfriend in my 20s for 5 years. so much inertia. We probably stayed together years longer than we should have because we lived together. Also, I think when you are living together as a "test" you are much more judgmental of the other person. When you live together when you know you are committed (through engagement or otherwise), both of you are gentler and more problem solving oriented. the test theory is actually flawed because being committed changes the dynamics of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

I have an alternative suggestion. Why not try spending one week on and one week off at your respective houses for a month or two (i.e. one week your place, one week her place). Then you can see if your living styles are generally compatible and neither of you has to give up your place.

[Anonymous]

Team boyfriend. Why is your girlfriend so desperate to be married? I wouldn’t have wanted my husband to feel pushed into marrying me.

[Anonymous]

Team girlfriend. I’m also annoyed that you’d even mention dating advice from your parents... make up your own mind

[Anonymous]

OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an alternative suggestion. Why not try spending one week on and one week off at your respective houses for a month or two (i.e. one week your place, one week her place). Then you can see if your living styles are generally compatible and neither of you has to give up your place.

OP here. We already pretty much live together. She spend 90% of her time at my place. Most weeks she is here 1-2 times a week and all weekend. It’s still different than living together 24/7 I heard. All of my friends moved in first before getting engaged and I didn’t really think there was anything wrong with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is smart. Also, her preferences matter more than your parents when it comes to engagement and marriage decisions. Frankly, she should move on rather than try to convince you.

This. She should give up and move on.