Girlfriend Wants To Get Engaged Before Moving In

[Anonymous]

And OP let me guess you’re in your 20s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP I’m the ultimatum poster. You’re not seeing it as a threat or ultimatum but that’s what it is. Goodluck in the future but when the going gets tough as it always does in a relationship I want you to think of my post and how I was right and she’ll keep giving you ultimatums my way or no way. I know these women, save this page come back in a few years.

But it's not an ultimatum to say I'm not comfortable moving in together without a real commitment. PP seems to think "compromise" = doing what the boyfriend wants.

The answer should have been I am not comfortable moving in yet - the part about the “real commitment” is the ultimatum. He asked her to move in which is a logical step in progressing a relationship she should say not ready yet. But no she played her ultimatum card of not unless you propose, that’s a take it or leave it answer and it’s bul”sh. But again I’m sorry for all these middle aged women who got strung along by shitty men and I’m also sorry for OP who’s about to learn it’s her way or the highway from now on. A successful relationship shouldn’t have to rely on these tactics it should be a natural conversation about yhr future and a mutual decision, this is the OP suddenly moving up his proposal timeline because his “self worth” gf won’t move forward aka share an apt for a bit unless she’s got a ring on her hand. Shudder.

OP doesn't have to propose, GF seemed to be fine continuing as-is until they are both ready. If living together before engagement was so important to OP they might also have discussed him giving up his place to move in with her so that he's the one making the sacrifice to do what he's comfortable with as the next step. And if he absolutely wouldn't get engaged without living together and she won't live together without engagement then they are fundamentally incompatible and this is likely the tip of the iceberg and best that they both accept that and move on rather than waste each other's time.

[Anonymous]

She is right, what does she gain from moving in with you? Loses her place and her independence and is stuck without anything.
Though the same is true even if you do get engaged and she moves in and it ends.
Not to moving in when you are this uncertain.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a thoughtful and caring individual. A lot like my DH 20+ years ago. He also asked me to move in together and I said “ sure, when we are engaged.” End of discussion.

He proposed few weeks later and we were married 8 mos after that. We were 30 and had dated one year. Had careers, met families, did trips, spent many many nights together. No ultimatum just different viewpoints on what our “ official” life would look like as it launched. We both knew we’d be together.

[Anonymous]

She told me a little story
About free milk and a cow,
Said no huggy no kissy till I get
A wedding vow.

I said now honey, now baby
Don’t put my love up on no shelf

She said, don’t hand me no lines
And keep your hands to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Get engaged, you can always break it off

[Anonymous]

I did not enjoying living with my bf at that time at all. Paying for half the bills where he eats 80% of the food, and doing all the cleaning was tiresome.

Once we were married, these were more bearable. as I have claims to his savings as a result from me picking up his slack.

I wish we didn't live together so I had more time for my own hobbies or career advancement. It felt like all those years buried in tedious work were wasted, and seeing my friends who focused on themselves learned dance/ice skating/fitness, gotten CPA certification, or traveled carefree. Now they are coasting at comfortable director jobs and I am struggling to network and making the climb while running a household full of little people.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so decided if you are up for that or not.

Good for her. She is clearly communicating her wants and needs and you can dig in or dip out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not enjoying living with my bf at that time at all. Paying for half the bills where he eats 80% of the food, and doing all the cleaning was tiresome.

Once we were married, these were more bearable. as I have claims to his savings as a result from me picking up his slack.

I wish we didn't live together so I had more time for my own hobbies or career advancement. It felt like all those years buried in tedious work were wasted, and seeing my friends who focused on themselves learned dance/ice skating/fitness, gotten CPA certification, or traveled carefree. Now they are coasting at comfortable director jobs and I am struggling to network and making the climb while running a household full of little people.

This. All of this. It's best not to start domestic labor until you are married, or at least engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not enjoying living with my bf at that time at all. Paying for half the bills where he eats 80% of the food, and doing all the cleaning was tiresome.

Once we were married, these were more bearable. as I have claims to his savings as a result from me picking up his slack.

I wish we didn't live together so I had more time for my own hobbies or career advancement. It felt like all those years buried in tedious work were wasted, and seeing my friends who focused on themselves learned dance/ice skating/fitness, gotten CPA certification, or traveled carefree. Now they are coasting at comfortable director jobs and I am struggling to network and making the climb while running a household full of little people.

This. All of this. It's best not to start domestic labor until you are married, or at least engaged.

+1 Wives cook meals; girlfriends get taken out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP I’m the ultimatum poster. You’re not seeing it as a threat or ultimatum but that’s what it is. Goodluck in the future but when the going gets tough as it always does in a relationship I want you to think of my post and how I was right and she’ll keep giving you ultimatums my way or no way. I know these women, save this page come back in a few years.

OP should insist on premarital counseling to gain some insight into how GF operates. He won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

The answer to feeling certain this is the real deal is making it the real deal, and you seem to have come to that conclusion. Nice job listening to people who don’t see it your way and understanding that perspective, it will be a vital asset in a successful marriage. I wish you every happiness!

OP, think logically here. Do you not see the fallacy in this advice?

How would moving in together for 3-6 months help you "see if you're really compatible?" You don't think that both parties would be viewing that time as a probationary period, and both be on their best behavior? I can promise you that if you're looking for a reason to bail during this 3-6 months, you will find one and conversely, if you are looking to convince yourself that it's the right thing to do, you can do that as well.

Good marriages are not made based on this elusive "compatibility." They are based on commitment. You make a real commitment - get engaged and get married - and THEN you live together and work out the details. Assuming you are not marrying a total psycho - which should reveal itself in the dating period, if you're paying attention -- "compatibility" is not a factor. You like to sleep in, she's an early bird. You like Asian take-out, she likes Mexican. So what? Is this the kind of "compatibility issues" that you think living together is going to solve?

I wish you all the best. It sounds like you've found a great gal.

[Anonymous]

One year should be enough time to make up your mind as to whether to marry her, and vice versa.

No, really. Otherwise, you are just wasting each other's time if marriage is what one of you wants. She may be looking at her time frame for starting a family if she in her 30s. She wants to seal the deal.

Stop listening to your Boomer parents. Your girlfriend is being smart with her time. If you do not want to marry her now, then you do not want to marry her ever. A year is enough time to know where you stand. If you don't want to get engaged TODAY, then let her go find a marriage-minded man willing to seal the deal. Time is ticking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If he’s not “committed” why would she get engaged to him?

It's an official agreement that the relationship is taken to next level. And as we can see from the above, HE doesn't mind getting engaged for the exactly same reason: he's committed

Official? No it’s not. You know what’s official… signing a rental agreement.

A ring is not an “official” agreement.., it could just be a present to shut her up.

If you don’t trust him to be committed to you don’t accept an engagement ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP I’m the ultimatum poster. You’re not seeing it as a threat or ultimatum but that’s what it is. Goodluck in the future but when the going gets tough as it always does in a relationship I want you to think of my post and how I was right and she’ll keep giving you ultimatums my way or no way. I know these women, save this page come back in a few years.

But it's not an ultimatum to say I'm not comfortable moving in together without a real commitment. PP seems to think "compromise" = doing what the boyfriend wants.

The answer should have been I am not comfortable moving in yet - the part about the “real commitment” is the ultimatum. He asked her to move in which is a logical step in progressing a relationship she should say not ready yet. But no she played her ultimatum card of not unless you propose, that’s a take it or leave it answer and it’s bul”sh. But again I’m sorry for all these middle aged women who got strung along by shitty men and I’m also sorry for OP who’s about to learn it’s her way or the highway from now on. A successful relationship shouldn’t have to rely on these tactics it should be a natural conversation about yhr future and a mutual decision, this is the OP suddenly moving up his proposal timeline because his “self worth” gf won’t move forward aka share an apt for a bit unless she’s got a ring on her hand. Shudder.

^^^ this this and this