Girlfriend Wants To Get Engaged Before Moving In

[Anonymous]

My now DH, then-boyfriend, wanted me to move into his place before we were engaged (and before I was sure I wanted to marry him). I was opposed, but eventually agreed. We are now married, and just started marriage therapy to deal with the issues that started then and still haunt us now.

Does your GF want to be engaged right now? Do you want to marry her now, but just want to make sure you can live together first? If so, get engaged, then move in together and see how it goes.

Is your GF not ready to get engaged right now? Are you not sure you want to marry this girl for reasons other than living together? If so, just wait. There is no need to rush things. When you two BOTH want to marry each other, get engaged, and then move in together before you get married. If it's a disaster, then call off the engagement.

You two are both making this way too complicated. What your families did is immaterial. "Moving forward" for the sake of moving forward is crap.

[Anonymous]

This is an argument about what your mom says to do vs what your woman wants.


Decisions, decisions, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, like someone else said, your ability to consider these viewpoints speaks well of you, and your potential as a husband. I wish you all the best with your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. It shows great maturity that you are willing to see the other side of things. Something that your girlfriend soon to be fiance may not have. Just something to keep in minf. I strongly recommend premarital counseling for the 2 of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

[Anonymous]

I was your GF, and his mother was opposed to us getting engaged without living together first. We were young, only 23, and it was enormously stressful for him to individuate and do what made me feel most comfortable. I think it's absolutely normal to weigh your parents' opinion heavily when making a big life decision, and I have empathy, but if this is the woman you're planning to marry, prioritize her desires and needs here over your parents. I'm posting this as I sit next to my now husband, btw, who made that choice 27 years and 4 kids ago. No regrets for either of us! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would not get engaged to someone before living with them. I lived with my girlfried for a year before we got engaged. We have now been married for 20 years...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

And only one person handled it somewhat maturely. I agree with the pp who suggested OP should insist on premarital counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not get engaged to someone before living with them. I lived with my girlfried for a year before we got engaged. We have now been married for 20 years...

Same only I was the girlfriend. Also in my thinking, much less embarrassing to move out after a few months if it doesn't work out than to get engaged and then have to tell everyone the engagement is off. We lived together for about 6 months before getting engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

And only one person handled it somewhat maturely. I agree with the pp who suggested OP should insist on premarital counseling.

-1 What exactly did OP's girlfriend do that was immature?

I have no regrets about insisting on a ring before moving in. I knew what I wanted, and wasn't willing to play house without a commitment. Knowing what you want and speaking up for yourself, even when your view isn't fashionable, is the definition of maturity.

Married 17 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an argument about what your mom says to do vs what your woman wants.


Decisions, decisions, OP.

Actually it's an argument about differences, opinions, and values and coming together on what works for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, there's that old saying... why should a man buy the cow when the milk is free?

I think your girlfriend is right. Either you're going to make a lifelong commitment to her, or you're not. She has absolutely nothing to gain by shacking up with you until you make up your mind.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Show her you’re committed to her and to the future. Get her a ring and ask her to marry you. This is a good lesson that marriage or any good relationship is one big one continuous set of compromises where you need to meet each other half way. Since you’re planning on asking her anyways, why not just do it now? If you really are having doubts, then don’t cohabitate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

And only one person handled it somewhat maturely. I agree with the pp who suggested OP should insist on premarital counseling.

-1 What exactly did OP's girlfriend do that was immature?

I have no regrets about insisting on a ring before moving in. I knew what I wanted, and wasn't willing to play house without a commitment. Knowing what you want and speaking up for yourself, even when your view isn't fashionable, is the definition of maturity.

Married 17 years.

The immaturity comes in insisting things must be entirely your way in a relationship.