Reply to When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

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Reply to "When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Pretty done with Mean Girl OP.

"Honesty" does not mean saying everything you think out loud.

There's dishonest: "Oh I adore you, Amy! We're best friends!"

There's best-behavior cordial: "Hi Amy! I like your dress [keep moving and sit at the opposite end of the table]."

[b]There's honest: [if someone actually asks you if you like her] "We don't have much in common, but then again we do share a lot of friends."
[/b]
And then there's Mean Girl: "Uggghhh, I don't know why Eliza insisted on inviting Amy. I don't like her. Just being HONEST."[/quote]

The bolded is not actually honest if you do in fact dislike someone. I mean maybe you DO have a lot in common, but even if you don’t, it’s beside the point. If someone says “Do you like Amy?” and you don’t, saying “We don’t have a lot in common but we do share a lot of friends” is actually a SUPER passive aggressive way of communicating that you don’t like her.

I would argue this response is much more “mean girl” than just saying “No, I do not.” Because the passive-aggressive response implies that you don’t like her without saying it. So if the person you say this to later tells people that you don’t like Amy, you can say “No I don’t! I just said we don’t have a lot in common!” This kind of plausible deniability, vaguely negative but couched in neutral terms, language is a big part of “relational aggression” which is how women subtly bully each other starting in adolescence.

At least the person who owns up to what she actually thinks has chosen to own her feelings. And if needed, Amy could actually ask “Hey, why don’t you like me?” And they could have an actual mature conversation about their actual feelings and maybe resolve the conflict. It’s impossible to resolve a conflict people deny exists. It just festers.

This whole thread is about women thinking the “polite” thing to do is hide your feelings and lie. Disturbing.[/quote]

I disagree if it's within the context of a friend group, because there's a shared interest in keeping the peace. If someone asked if I like my neighbors three doors down, I'd say no. Because I don't actively choose to socialize with him! I don't proactively elect to go places where he will be, and break bread at the same table. Me = don't like my neighbor = avid him = problem solved.

In the context of a friend group, saying you don't like someone can create ripples and rifts and consequences for the whole group. If you want to be on the group, you keep the peace. No one is holding a gun to OP's heads telling her she has to socialize with this woman. She chooses to. Choices have consequences and down sides, sometimes. [/quote]

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