I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is silly, but years ago after a breakup, I got a book by Sylvia Browne and followed the meditation/hypnotism exercises in the book. I tried to focus on them whenever i started ruminating (which was often).

It's hard, but time does help.

OP here. Well googling Sylvia Browne did make me feel a bit cynical, admittedly. But I'll try anything at last once. Can you tell me which book it was? Or even what one of the helpful exercises was? I'll give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best girlfriend hurt me suddenly and painfully. I never received an apology from her, and looking back I never saw her apologize to anyone for anything so it's not surprising. I held on to the pain for much, much longer than I should have. I kept thinking if I understood why she did what she did, then the pain would go away. Unfortunately I held on to these thoughts for well over a decade.

Finally I realized that I will never know why she did what she did and that is okay. Once I realized this, a literal weight lifted off of me. I cannot control her, but I can control my reactions. I finally took hold of my own reactions.

My advice would be to not hold on to these feelings for too long because then it just hinders you rather than helping you. It's easy to fall into the "I'm the victim" mentality, and hold on to the pain/anger, and that is just not healthy long term for you. Yes it's hard. But the moving on is about you, and not the other person. Good luck.

OP here. Thank you so much for this. I recognize a lot of myself in your experience. I also spent several thinking if I could understand why this person did this, I would feel better. In therapy, I realized that this obsession was about absolving myself. I think I felt for a while that I had somehow invited this to happen, by doing something wrong. I thought if I could just figure out what I had done to "deserve" what happened, then I could control it, and guarantee it wouldn't happen again. I thought I could fix it.

I haven't thought that for a long time, but I still struggle with the anger. The weight didn't lift for me. When I realized that I'll never know or understand why it happened, I was just left with its consequences, which I still deal with. My therapist talks about grief stages though says people don't necessarily go through them in the same order, or necessarily through all of them. I did denial first, then depression, then bargaining, and now I'm in anger. I can't get out of anger. I want acceptance, but I'm stuck.

I don't want to be in a victim mentality. I don't feel like a victim. I think my anger actually helps with that. Feeling anger makes me feel strong, which is the opposite of how I felt when this happened and in those other initial stages. I think I'm almost afraid to let go of my anger because it will make me feel vulnerable again. Even though being angry sucks, it's better than depression. That was the worst one.

Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud here. I really appreciated your comment and it's nice to feel a little less alone. I guess I just have to keep at it.

Semi-related, there should be a business where you can go safely burn something down until it is just ashes. I think there's a real market for something like that, and it could easily be made Covid friendly. Just throwing that out in the universe!

I'm sure you can find someone's yard where you can burn something. Last month my teen son was wronged by someone close to him. I gave him our pumpkins and a bat and told him to go smash them up. He said it helped. Sometimes just having a physical outlet is what you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t forgive.
I forget. It takes years.

OP here. I sense we have similar dispositions. Ballpark, how many years? Like whatever the worst thing someone has ever done to you was, how long before you really forgot it? Just trying to set my expectations appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

This is good insight. OP, to move on, you need to stop valuing or giving any credibility this person's actions, behaviors, or yes, even potential apologies. There are people in my life who "owe" me an apology, but moving on meant I no longer respect anything, literally anything, about them. They could show up at my door with flowers, cash, a rescued stray dog and a thorough apology, and it'd be like watching Donald Trump claim he won the election. Nothing they have to say, and nothing they do, carries the slightest weight with me.

OP here. I agree, this is really true. If this person tried to apologize, I know I'd never accept it. In part because I know there is a time when I probably would have accepted one, and rather than offer one, they chose to do something possibly even worse than the original offense. I often think I'm more angry about that than the original thing.

But yes, I agree with this sentiment. Feeling it... is another matter. I'm working on it.

Op are you married with kids or single? I am just wondering because when you are busy and your mind is on other things it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

This is good insight. OP, to move on, you need to stop valuing or giving any credibility this person's actions, behaviors, or yes, even potential apologies. There are people in my life who "owe" me an apology, but moving on meant I no longer respect anything, literally anything, about them. They could show up at my door with flowers, cash, a rescued stray dog and a thorough apology, and it'd be like watching Donald Trump claim he won the election. Nothing they have to say, and nothing they do, carries the slightest weight with me.

OP here. I agree, this is really true. If this person tried to apologize, I know I'd never accept it. In part because I know there is a time when I probably would have accepted one, and rather than offer one, they chose to do something possibly even worse than the original offense. I often think I'm more angry about that than the original thing.

But yes, I agree with this sentiment. Feeling it... is another matter. I'm working on it.

Op are you married with kids or single? I am just wondering because when you are busy and your mind is on other things it helps.

OP here. I'm married, have a kid, and a job, and two serious hobbies. I agree being busy helps and I'll do anything to keep my mind occupied and away from this. And yet, it finds a way. I think Covid has made it worse because of the monotony, and because we haven't been able to travel or socialize as much, or mix up our schedule in the summer in the same way we normally would. I definitely think more about it now than I did back in January. One more reason to be excited about a vaccine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best girlfriend hurt me suddenly and painfully. I never received an apology from her, and looking back I never saw her apologize to anyone for anything so it's not surprising. I held on to the pain for much, much longer than I should have. I kept thinking if I understood why she did what she did, then the pain would go away. Unfortunately I held on to these thoughts for well over a decade.

Finally I realized that I will never know why she did what she did and that is okay. Once I realized this, a literal weight lifted off of me. I cannot control her, but I can control my reactions. I finally took hold of my own reactions.

My advice would be to not hold on to these feelings for too long because then it just hinders you rather than helping you. It's easy to fall into the "I'm the victim" mentality, and hold on to the pain/anger, and that is just not healthy long term for you. Yes it's hard. But the moving on is about you, and not the other person. Good luck.

OP here. Thank you so much for this. I recognize a lot of myself in your experience. I also spent several thinking if I could understand why this person did this, I would feel better. In therapy, I realized that this obsession was about absolving myself. I think I felt for a while that I had somehow invited this to happen, by doing something wrong. I thought if I could just figure out what I had done to "deserve" what happened, then I could control it, and guarantee it wouldn't happen again. I thought I could fix it.

I haven't thought that for a long time, but I still struggle with the anger. The weight didn't lift for me. When I realized that I'll never know or understand why it happened, I was just left with its consequences, which I still deal with. My therapist talks about grief stages though says people don't necessarily go through them in the same order, or necessarily through all of them. I did denial first, then depression, then bargaining, and now I'm in anger. I can't get out of anger. I want acceptance, but I'm stuck.

I don't want to be in a victim mentality. I don't feel like a victim. I think my anger actually helps with that. Feeling anger makes me feel strong, which is the opposite of how I felt when this happened and in those other initial stages. I think I'm almost afraid to let go of my anger because it will make me feel vulnerable again. Even though being angry sucks, it's better than depression. That was the worst one.

Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud here. I really appreciated your comment and it's nice to feel a little less alone. I guess I just have to keep at it.

Semi-related, there should be a business where you can go safely burn something down until it is just ashes. I think there's a real market for something like that, and it could easily be made Covid friendly. Just throwing that out in the universe!

I'm sure you can find someone's yard where you can burn something. Last month my teen son was wronged by someone close to him. I gave him our pumpkins and a bat and told him to go smash them up. He said it helped. Sometimes just having a physical outlet is what you need.

OP look what you just wrote: you like the Anger. It makes you feel stronger. As long as you think that way you are going to be pissed off- and you may not feel like a victim but you are in Victim Mode because of how much you focus on this person and what they did to you.

So I gotta tell you...you want to get to "Meh." And by that I mean Indifference. Because you have to let it go- that's what forgiveness is.

I look at it this way- some people are just bad and selfish people so they act by following their bad and selfish instincts. You don't get mad at a snake if it bites you b.c it's just a dumb snake.

Bad people are living their own punishment. They are stuck being themselves. You get to be you and get to be a good person and have a great life without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t forgive.
I forget. It takes years.

OP here. I sense we have similar dispositions. Ballpark, how many years? Like whatever the worst thing someone has ever done to you was, how long before you really forgot it? Just trying to set my expectations appropriately.

I’m a NP, but in my case the betrayal was from my mother. It’s been 7 years. I haven’t forgotten, it still hurts greatly if I think or talk about it, but I noticed a shift around the 5 year mark. I’d say I was 80% better by then and it’s been steady ever since. I’ve gone from thinking about it almost every minute to now maybe a few times a month (less sometimes, more at other times, but rarely more than a handful of times in a single week now).

Time helped a lot. Therapy helped somewhat in that I came to understand how unwell my mother is and how delusional (she has narcisstic personality disorder).

[Anonymous]

This article is long but beautifully written and seems on point for your situation:

https://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-76-the-woman-hanging-on-the-end-of-a-line/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this holiday is about feeling grateful. And I am. But I’m also mad. A person hurt me in a really terrible, grotesque way. They know they did it, and they know it was wrong. But they have not apologized, and I feel confident they never will.

How do I move on? They aren’t in my life anymore, but they are at its fringes (live and work not far away). I have so much love and joy in my life, but I still think about what they did nearly every day.

How do I move on? I don’t want to forgive them (I’m not a martyr and I don’t want to forgive someone who has never and will never hold themselves accountable). Will I ever get to a point where I don’t think about this? Will I ever feel peace? And if so, how?

What I’ve done so far: therapy (still at it), meditation, taking occasional solo drives so I can scream at the top of my lungs.

What am I missing?

https://www.drwaynedyer.com/blog/tag/letting-go/

Try this and follow up with his books/audio books. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Google "rage room."

I agree with PPs that you need to move past the anger, but if you want to exorcise it physically, there is indeed a business that will let you smash stuff to your heart's content.

Personally, I find writing a letter to the person (or in one case, an OpEd in the New York Times) helps as well. Don't even think about sending it, but writing it can be therapeutic.

[Anonymous]

Gosh I just want to thank all of you who have posted such thoughtful replies. I’m stuck in anger as well, most of the time, from the cruelest and craziest most scorched earth divorce I’m aware of personally.

Thank you all. I’m meh sometimes. But I’m rage a lot and it comes out so sideways that I sometimes don’t even know myself. I realized while reading I don’t even want an apology as much as I want a “why? Just why? Is it mental illness or drugs or TBI/CTE from 50 concussions or another woman or was it just narcissistic rage and you never loved me at all?!?!?

But I won’t get those answers from him. I’ll likely get them over time, but I’ll never get an apology or a why and I have to stop obsessing over they why - it’s that same tendency to want to understand to do better or be more perfect that got me into the relationship with a narc.
Currently I’m trying to reframe my need to know “why” as a weakness that would make me more vulnerable to my next partner. When I think like this it’s easier to let go of the obsessive thought process. I can’t understand or rationalize crazy, but I can absolutely let myself go crazy trying to. I don’t want to do that because that would mean my ex was actually controlling my NEXT relationship if I’m trying to be “more perfect”. I’m just me. Imperfect and perfect and real. He’s always going to be him, a rage filled douch!bag with grand delusions of wealth and success. Wasting time on hm sets me back.

I’m so not close to “there” yet but I can talk myself down faster and have a better sense of time- like- that my need to push and rush and know “why” is selfish and ultimately based in being a victim. I don’t know why but maybe someday I will. That’s my mew mindset and I can defer to curiosity about his future without rumination on our past.

Good luck and I’m sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

OP listen to this poster. I swear you are a woman and probably all of the posters are, including me, as well. But this is kind of a male response, and it’s totally on target. Guys would not feel guilty for their feelings along these lines, and would totally accept and make peace with their feelings along these lines. You can be honest about what this person did to you, and cut them off, and be done with it. f**k ‘em.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is silly, but years ago after a breakup, I got a book by Sylvia Browne and followed the meditation/hypnotism exercises in the book. I tried to focus on them whenever i started ruminating (which was often).

It's hard, but time does help.

OP here. Well googling Sylvia Browne did make me feel a bit cynical, admittedly. But I'll try anything at last once. Can you tell me which book it was? Or even what one of the helpful exercises was? I'll give it a try.

It was so long ago I don't remember. I agree she's a little hokey, but I got her book at the library and I remember it brought me so much peach. It might have been this https://www.amazon.com/dp/1401900879/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_vAZVFb8F7E9XN

I think it involved colors and maybe an island.

It helped me a lot, but more because I consciously tried to shift my thinking to focus on the meditation, rather than ruminating. She has some free meditations online, but something else might work just as well.

I rarely do it anymore, but I used to frequently ruminate. It's horrible at the time, and with space and distance, something that seems of great importance matters not at all. It's so difficult breaking the pattern though.

Mindfulness meditation as also very helpful for my stress: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1593851286/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_1VZVFbB0SDJ0E

[Anonymous]

I prayed to forgive them over and over. I prayed so much I eventually did and it's the only thing that worked. I eventually did stop letting it consume my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Your success is your victory. Live your life with the idea that this person did not holdback you back in any way - maybe even inspired you to be a better person. Be a better person than she/he could ever dream of being.